Marriage Sabbatical anyone?

[Wonderpet]

I'm wondering what any of you think about the idea of leaving your hubby and kids for three months to do a creative project. Is it selfish if you set it up carefully? And doesn't time out mean you come back to the family feeling fulfilled and with more to give?

So you'd leave your 4 children with someone you think is incapable of looking after them?

Sounds like you'd be better off sticking around and re-training their father, then you might actually get some time to yourself in your normal life, rather than going for a somewhat drastic option of clearing off for months.

wonderingwondering makes a good point. Don't think you said yet how old your children are? If they are not old enough to be able to leave you alone quietly for a few hours a day to do your writing how are they going to get on for 3 months without you and with your husband out at work? You sound resentful of the demands that your family make on you, this will sound rude but I don't mean to, I'm wondering why you had 4 children?

Why not compromise and arrange some regular childcare so that you have guaranteed time to work on it? I don't see why it has to be 3 months away from your family to do this, but if it is important to you then surely you could make arrangements which would work?

Because I work freelance it seems both indulgent not to mention prohibitively expensive to get someone to pick my kid up from school so I just work late to get my regular job done.The creative stuff gets put to one side because, as you know, there is so much day to day stuff with kids. They are three teenz and one of four - two marriages. If I went away I would get a full time carer and rope in family which I could do on the basis that it would be finite and also, that the end result might amount to a viable project. Still, maybe I just need to wait another year, two years, five years? I feel if I don't do it now I will never do it and all this work will be wasted.

I'd love to take a weekend away on my own somewhere, and possibly will after having my next baby. Well, I say 'alone' - what I mean is that I'll take the baby with me!

I think having a break of some sort is a good idea, but when your children are still children (i.e. under 18 and largely dependent on you) I think it's inappropriate. If you're having mental or emotional problems that's one thing, otherwise I take the view that our role as parents is to put our children's needs above ours as much as is practically possible. We have this idea in the West that we should be 'entitled' to lots of things which we don't realise are actually huge luxuries. Having time away from the children for ourselves is a luxury, not a 'right'.

Going away for such a long period of time will put a huge amount of pressure on the children AND your partner, which is just not fair. So why not take shorter trips away for weekends instead? That way you can both more easily arrange for people to be around who can help your domestically incompetent challenged DH, whilst at the same time you can focus far more attention on your writing. This arrangement might turn out to be cheaper than your suggestion. Also you might find that you benefit more personally from regular trips away rather than one intensive 3-month session.

Sounds like your life is out of kilter. You work late as you feel it's indulgent to get childcare, with the end result you feel as you do now.

It sounds as if you can make a few relatively minor adjustments and so feel a lot more satisfied. If you go off for 3 months, you might get your project done, but the real issues around time for yourself, support from your partner and your daily routine will still be there waiting for you and you'll probably feel even worse than you do now.

OK, so if you do go off for 3 months but you can't currently afford after-school care, how would you afford it?

It sounds like something needs to change for you - maybe you can start to think this through here. I would still say that 3 solid months away from your family, especially with one who is barely of school age, is a lot for any parent. Sorry.

Why not one solid day a week away for the next 3 years?

i think you should re-arrange childcare to get a decent amount of time in your regular week to devote to writing.

i don't think that 3 months away is necessarily sensible or going to solve anything when you get back.

can a little bit of regular childcare every week really be more expensive than solid childcare every day for three months?

Ok will take all that on board. A lot to digest. Thanks for your help. Maybe I need to get full time child care one day a week and find somewhere outside the house to work and then I force myself to prioritise my own work on that day.

I think that sounds like a good idea. And do get out of the house on that day, otherwise it won't work.

I would also be sitting down with your husband and telling him how you feel about the division of labour and the fact that your work is being sidelined, and see if you can't improve that balance.

You talk about going away so that they appreciate you more, the fact that your husband 'can't boil an egg', etc. You sound frustrated and angry and unappreciated. You need to address that with him before it becomes any more of a problem. Whether that's better chore division or just making time for each other, I don't know.