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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How would your H react if you...

39 replies

luckyblackcat · 16/03/2010 10:17

got some dirt on his caror wore his coat?

(Please be patient)

As H was due to be away for mothering sunday he the family for lunch, to a place of my choice, the sunday before. It was a really great lunch, DC had fun and ate well, behaved fab etc (t'was only Wagamama's) but the last few months have been really stressful - DS had a serious head injury in Dec which has had long term effect on his behaviour/mobility/speech also we are currently taking the LEA to tribunal - next week eeeek - to provide DS with an adequet education (this was from before the head injury).
DH works away much of the time and often misses birthdays, wedding annis etc when in the country he leaves before the dc get up and often doesn't get back to kis them good night they are 10(dd) and 5(ds).

On the way back it was really sunny and the Dc really wanted the roof down on H's car, so I wrapped my scarf around my head a la Grace Kelly as I have long hair and it was loose. He laughed and said, "I'm not putting it down now, someone mught see you looking like that." I replied that it was my best GC and he retoreted, "I'd hate to see your worst." I lol but was a bit irritated.

Anyway he put roof down and the sun was shining on the dash and I couldn't see the digital music display due to dust so when I went to change songs I ran my leather gloved finger along the plastic over the digital display. Unfortunately, I hadn't noticed that when my gloves had been in the side pocet of my handbag the lid had come off my foundation so I smeared a line of beige vitalumiere across the screnn.

He went right off the deep end, shouting "look what you've done, you've got it all dirty, how could you be so careless etc." until I said very loudly back, "Oh get a grip." and wiped it off with a tissue.

He than had the hump for the rest of the afternoon.

After the dc in bed, I was making some supper for us and talking about packing his suits for him to leave for 2 weeks in the usa the next day.

He asked me what my favourite part of the weekend was and I laughted and said, "the tantrum you threw in the car was pretty impressive."

Anyway this led to more aggro with my eventually saying, "What is the real problem?" and he said he was cross with me because I had worn his coat and left something in the pocket.

It is true I wore 2 of his coats. due to having my thyroid removed and developing a heart problem the medication I have been on has made me put on a huge amount of weight in a very short space of time, none of my coats really fit me anymore so if he has left his raincoat behind and it is raining I wear it. Ditto a very warm gilet he has. I left a toy car and a new packet of tissues in one coat and some nappy sacks in another (a coat he often leaves ns in as he wears it to walk the dog)

He claims that this means I show him no respect, that I feel I own him and all his possessions - he went right into one, I left him to make hi own dinner and pack whilst I went to bed and read.

Anyway This week on the phone, he is acting all sweet like nothing happened, but I am still pretty pissed off. I told him that I felt his reactions showed that he valued his posessions more than my happiness or that of the DC (they were witness to the first outburst).

I actually think my DH has some serious aspergers issues and ignore much crap due to this, but he is 50 and really ought to be in control.

So was I bu wearing his jackets or was he to object?

OP posts:
BrahmsThirdRacket · 16/03/2010 10:30

You know you weren't bu to do either of those things. I don't know what his issue is, maybe to do with the stress about your DS. But he was wrong

luckyblackcat · 16/03/2010 10:34

Thanks Brahms, he's always had a thing about his clothes but I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone in rl if they wear their h's gear.

I was wondering if parhaps it is unusual, or I am particularly poor at seeing normal boundaries.

OP posts:
poshwellies · 16/03/2010 10:36

'I ran my leather gloved finger along the plastic over the digital display. Unfortunately, I hadn't noticed that when my gloves had been in the side pocet of my handbag the lid had come off my foundation so I smeared a line of beige vitalumiere across the screnn.'

Is this for real?

Were you wearing chanel no 5 too?

If real,your dh is a spoilt knob.

ShinyAndNew · 16/03/2010 10:38

I wear DH's clothes all the time. Infact I have stolen two jumpers off him. They now get put away in my drawers insetad of his. I look better in them anyway

DH has not uttered a word. Though was quite happy to find an unopened fudge bar in his work coat one day.

LeQueen · 16/03/2010 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieFairyCake · 16/03/2010 10:42

DH would not notice or care in any way.

DorotheaPlenticlew · 16/03/2010 10:43

I can't see what is wrong with what you did. I wear DP's jackets/hoodies sometimes; he doesn't mind at all, in fact he'll encourage me to wear them and keep warm if I am struggling to find something of my own (I've also had fluctuating weight/shape over the past year or two owing to BF and pregnancy and whatnot, so my own jackets don't always fit or feel right).

If I left something in a pocket I can't imagine DP having any particular reaction at all. At the very most if it was something like a little toy or a dummy, he might make a jokey remark about it; but tbh it is so minor, it isn't any reason at all to take a huff.

I think there must be something else going on with your H, no idea what though.

luckyblackcat · 16/03/2010 10:43

Err, yes it is for real and no I do not wear Chanel no 5.

It was an accurate description, should I have written I wiped my dirty fingers over it?

I always wear leather gloves in the winter as I spend much time outside and get very chapped hands.

OP posts:
poshwellies · 16/03/2010 10:45

Whats 'my best GC' OP?

luckyblackcat · 16/03/2010 10:46

I do not own any posh shoes, I spend most of my time in wellies.

Christ what is the problem?

I wear a 5 yr old pair of M&S gloves and buy a foundation that is highly recommended on here.

I was trying to point out that it was a mistake (I couldn't feel it through my thick gloves) and it was not gloss paint or something that would forever damage his car.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 16/03/2010 10:48

I think what they are getting at luckyblackcat is that certain details merely added to embellish your story and were not necessary, thus giving your story a slight 'exaggerated' feel.

However, having worked with people with Aspergers I have these questions to ask you:

How does he related to people socially?
Does he get a hint or do you always have to tell him straight?
Is he unable to read body language?
Is he excessively neat and tidy?
Does he have a good mind for recalling facts and figures?

luckyblackcat · 16/03/2010 10:49

Sorry typo 'GK' = Grace Kelly, so do you an issue with that?

Some of you lot are fucking priceless, I post that my life has been stressful one reason being that my Ds suffered a severe head injury and probably will never recover and you give a shit about what perfume I wear?

OP posts:
mumblechum · 16/03/2010 10:51

DH would probably have said something about the foundation as he is pretty precious about his car, but he wouldn't have lost his temper.

I never wear his clothes, he's twice my size.

He occasionally slips into one of my babydoll negligees, though.

Rhubarb · 16/03/2010 10:51

Here

LUCKYBLACKCAT IS NOT A TROLL SHE IS A REGULAR SO LAY OFF

How's that?

luckyblackcat · 16/03/2010 10:55

Thanks Rhub

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 16/03/2010 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

JackSpratt · 16/03/2010 10:57

OP just a thought (and being kind)

Hes probably stressed as well.. what with your ds and being away from you and the kids.

I've often blown up about complete nonsence when I'm wound up.

It may have been a lovely day but his mind might have been on the flight blah blah blah not you titting about with Grace Kelly hair wraps and dusty dashes.

Without knowing your dh its hard to tell.

He could just be a knob though.

Hope your LEA tribunal goes ok.

BessieBoots · 16/03/2010 10:57

He was being v unreasonable, and seeing that he's all sweetness and light now, he probably knows it.

I wear DHs jumpers- He complains because I "make them baggy at the tits"

Hope your DS is ok.

Rhubarb · 16/03/2010 10:57

You didn't answer my questions though.

Which I would also put to you.

JackSpratt · 16/03/2010 11:01

I borrow dh's football fleece to do the garden as its the most comfortable thing ever and it does wind him up as I've got dozens of jackets but would never dream of buying a fleece.

I should really just bite the bullet and get one.

Do Boden do fleeces?

luckyblackcat · 16/03/2010 11:10

Sorry, I didn't want to answer and give any more ammunition...

How does he related to people socially?

He is in a job where he has to socialise and be very 'in the spotlight' often, fine at work not at home/social environment. Only has a few friends and he has known them since primary school age. Anyone more recently befriended is a 'football friend' (see last Q)

Does he get a hint or do you always have to tell him straight?
No not good at hints.

Is he unable to read body language?
Difficult to answer

Is he excessively neat and tidy?
No, but has some pretty obsessive behaviours regarding getting dressed, the order that things happen in etc

Does he have a good mind for recalling facts and figures?
Yes, esp re his 'hobby' of following a football team.

You said you put the same Q to me...

I have a large circle of friends, not one closest best friend although I have 5 friends that I have been friends with for between 15-25 yrs and consider them to be my closets freinds although we live over a very scattered area.

I am good at hints and body language.

No I am not very neat and tidy, worse since DS had his accident as he has only just returned to school and I am having to give him lots of therapies etc.

No, brain live the proverbial sieve.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 16/03/2010 11:18

Ok, well most men have some autistic traits and it is possible that your dh does have a very mild form of aspergers.

I would also say that you have both been under a huge amount of stress. He may also been excluded because he's been away, so you have taken on the full-time role of carer for your children. No doubt it is you they turn to when hurt, you they call for in the night etc. He probably feels as though he doesn't exist and may be frustration that there is nothing he can do about that. He also feel frustated that he cannot help his son.

Hence his blowing up at little things. He may be living two different lives now. One at work and one at home and finds it difficult to merge the two. So when those two worlds do collide he is getting very stressed about it.

I asked you because it was unusual that you gave so much detail in your OP, more than was necessary. But that's probably just your personality quirk.

There - your whole family analysed. I shall send the bill in the post

luckyblackcat · 16/03/2010 11:22

Oh yes, I talk way too much - probably not enough adult conversation whilst looking after sick DS - but also didn't want to do a stealth reveal.

What a comfy couch you have, you'll have to wait in line for bill payment like everyone else!

Thanks for your time spent and the recognition, 5 yrs on mn, never been implied in a troll scenario before - my life is just too boring!

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 16/03/2010 11:25

I could see why shouted troll but a simple search reveals all.

Perhaps you need to sit down with your dh and have a chat when neither of you are feeling under pressure. Does he know everything that is happening with your ds, could he be feeling out of the loop?

Perhaps when he is home he could take over some of the chores such as bathing the kids, or helping with homework. Whilst he is away the children could also write to him, call him up etc. Keeping in contact is probably vital here.

He may just be feeling helpless whilst you are getting on with things and coping superbly (in his mind) so perhaps when home, you can give some responsibilities to him?

ChippingIn · 16/03/2010 11:35

LBC - he wouldn't notice the foundation or if he did, he'd simply wipe it off later if I hadn't noticed (if I noticed I'd wipe it off), it wouldn't even register on either of our radars...

Clothes - he loves it when I wear his clothes - he thinks I look 'cute'. If I left something in his pocket (like the car), he'd leave it there & think of me, if it was a tampon/lipgloss he'd take it out and say 'it's probably not a lot of use to me, I'll put it in your bag '.

In my opinion, humble as it is, your DH's behaviour is not normal, whether this is just him being a twat or whether it's something with a dx I don't know, but if I were you I'd be finding out, because if it's just general twattery - he'd be wearing the frying pan around his head pretty soon!!