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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How would your H react if you...

39 replies

luckyblackcat · 16/03/2010 10:17

got some dirt on his caror wore his coat?

(Please be patient)

As H was due to be away for mothering sunday he the family for lunch, to a place of my choice, the sunday before. It was a really great lunch, DC had fun and ate well, behaved fab etc (t'was only Wagamama's) but the last few months have been really stressful - DS had a serious head injury in Dec which has had long term effect on his behaviour/mobility/speech also we are currently taking the LEA to tribunal - next week eeeek - to provide DS with an adequet education (this was from before the head injury).
DH works away much of the time and often misses birthdays, wedding annis etc when in the country he leaves before the dc get up and often doesn't get back to kis them good night they are 10(dd) and 5(ds).

On the way back it was really sunny and the Dc really wanted the roof down on H's car, so I wrapped my scarf around my head a la Grace Kelly as I have long hair and it was loose. He laughed and said, "I'm not putting it down now, someone mught see you looking like that." I replied that it was my best GC and he retoreted, "I'd hate to see your worst." I lol but was a bit irritated.

Anyway he put roof down and the sun was shining on the dash and I couldn't see the digital music display due to dust so when I went to change songs I ran my leather gloved finger along the plastic over the digital display. Unfortunately, I hadn't noticed that when my gloves had been in the side pocet of my handbag the lid had come off my foundation so I smeared a line of beige vitalumiere across the screnn.

He went right off the deep end, shouting "look what you've done, you've got it all dirty, how could you be so careless etc." until I said very loudly back, "Oh get a grip." and wiped it off with a tissue.

He than had the hump for the rest of the afternoon.

After the dc in bed, I was making some supper for us and talking about packing his suits for him to leave for 2 weeks in the usa the next day.

He asked me what my favourite part of the weekend was and I laughted and said, "the tantrum you threw in the car was pretty impressive."

Anyway this led to more aggro with my eventually saying, "What is the real problem?" and he said he was cross with me because I had worn his coat and left something in the pocket.

It is true I wore 2 of his coats. due to having my thyroid removed and developing a heart problem the medication I have been on has made me put on a huge amount of weight in a very short space of time, none of my coats really fit me anymore so if he has left his raincoat behind and it is raining I wear it. Ditto a very warm gilet he has. I left a toy car and a new packet of tissues in one coat and some nappy sacks in another (a coat he often leaves ns in as he wears it to walk the dog)

He claims that this means I show him no respect, that I feel I own him and all his possessions - he went right into one, I left him to make hi own dinner and pack whilst I went to bed and read.

Anyway This week on the phone, he is acting all sweet like nothing happened, but I am still pretty pissed off. I told him that I felt his reactions showed that he valued his posessions more than my happiness or that of the DC (they were witness to the first outburst).

I actually think my DH has some serious aspergers issues and ignore much crap due to this, but he is 50 and really ought to be in control.

So was I bu wearing his jackets or was he to object?

OP posts:
TheMysticMasseuse · 16/03/2010 11:55

your DH was being a twat Lucky. Whether its the stress, or the fact that being away for long stretches of time he forgets what's it like to live with "nromal" people (ie people who get things messy, who forget things in pockets, etc)... you need to talk about it.

I am so sorry about your DS. I hope things improve on that front.

And quite shocked at how quickly people shout troll on here

GypsyMoth · 16/03/2010 12:03

is that true Rhubarb? about most men having autistic traits??

sounds interesting...wonder why ?

Rhubarb · 16/03/2010 12:14

Yes most men display one or more autistic traits. That is not to say they have autism.

Clarissimo · 16/03/2010 12:19

Threeblonde nobody knows, although Baron-Cohen suggest that asd is a result of exposure to excess testosterone in the uterus; also asd is soemtimes described as extreme maleness and 3/4 people with asd dx'd are male (although there is increasing evidence that females with asd are as common just the female brain / peer system makes it ahrder to spot)

Will go read OP now sorry, just ASD is my subject LOL

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/03/2010 12:20

I wouldn't have been impressed with not putting the car roof down "someone might see you" thing either. Sounds like he was hostile and looking for a fight well before you accidentally got makeup on his precious car.

Either he's reacting to stress - works away, Tribunal, son with head injury/SN, wife with thyroid issues who has put on a huge amount of weight - and isn't dealing gracefully. Or he's having an affair and picking on you to justify himself.

Either way, you did nothing wrong.

Clarissimo · 16/03/2010 12:30

OK so do I know you OP? (I am Peachy)- you sound familiar but I amy be wrong.

If you ahve kids with sn who are on the spectrum or have one of the many conditions allied to ASD (dyslexia, dyspraxia, depression, OCD etc...) then there is a chance your H has AS. Absolutely. There is an even greater chance he sits in the inevitable area at the part of the spectrum between asymptomatic and diagnosable.

'Traits of...' is the usual term.

The link you need to work it out is here

And the AQ test he can do to see if he is high risk is here- it's not diagnostic but well regarded; even the team that developed it (ARC) will admit that whilst the tests run have good indications they haven't yet run nearly enough. It's quite respected though in terms of flagging up adults who could do with an assessment.

And fwiw even if he ahs it- I score really highly on that test, probably diagnosable, yet have a good marriage, heppy kids and did have a good career before becoming a carer. A lot of what I have learned about myself from studying AS though ahs answered many things and given me tools to help wiyth my weak points however (mainly organisation and struggling with approaching people).

I score 39 on that btw

luckyblackcat · 16/03/2010 12:41

Yes peachy, you do know me.

He went through a stage of accepting there may be an issue, but know will not acknowledge it.

I accept that if this is the case he would struggle to see how his behaviour would affect feelings of those around, but genuinely feel that an intelligent man of 50 (he has recently turned 50 and this has been a really big deal for him as very vain and hates anyone knowing how old he is) should, by now, be able to tell what is acceptable and what is not - he runs an international biz and part of his job is to keep clients happy, so he must display some social awareness in professional situations.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 16/03/2010 12:47

LBC, I am sorry that many people on this thread have called him a twat. I guess unless you know better, that behaviour can come across as twattish.

Hope you manage to talk to him. Don't take it personally, I guess it's the only way he can express his helplessness and frustration.

I hope your ds continues to improve, you and Peachy both have my admiration for dealing with such issues with dignity and strength.

luckyblackcat · 16/03/2010 13:04

Thanks Rhubarb.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 16/03/2010 13:07
Smile
ScreaminEagle · 16/03/2010 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Bramshott · 16/03/2010 13:38

TBH my DH is not that keen on me wearing his stuff.

bronze · 16/03/2010 13:45

Agree with Rhubarb he does sound like he has a few traits

I wear dhs clothes a bit. He whinges a bit but its not a big thing.

I suspect the stress has got to him too

diddl · 16/03/2010 14:00

Well I think my husband might be annoyed & comment, but if I wiped the makeup off immediately then it´s done & forgotten.

He has never insulted the way I look.

I don´t tend to wear his clothes as he is a lot taller/bigger than me,but he wouldn´t care.

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