Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Question about sex, probably TMI

35 replies

cumbria81 · 15/03/2010 17:54

This post has not been easy for me to write, so please don't flame me. I am trying to get a sense of what is "normal" because quite frankly, I am not.

In short, I suffer(ed) from vaginismus, which means that whenever penetration is attempted, my vaginal muscles clamp up making sex painful (even for the man) and generally impossible.

For a while I saw a therapist on the NHS who gave me some dilators. I worked with these, gradually increasing in size, until penetration became easier and sex possible. It was always slightly painful, but I managed to enjoy it.

The years have passed and my sex life has now become non existent. I have no idea what would happen if I tried to have sex now. I have dug out my dilators and begun practicing with them again. I have made more progress than I did when I first started working with them all those years ago but it is still a struggle and is painful.

I suppose I am asking how sex is for you. Quite clearly I know I am not "normal" (which has always been hugely upsetting for me) but I wonder by how much.

Perhaps this is asking for TMI, but if you were at home on your own and had to just randomly insert something in you, how easy would you find it? Would it hurt? Or would you be able to insert something down there as easily as into your mouth, for example?

Does sex hurt for you if you are not "warmed up" or is it always easy? Do you get out of practice if you're "normal" or is it just freakish old me?

I don't know why I am asking this, I guess I just want to know how I measure up, if that's the right phrase.

I can't talk to anyone about this in real life.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 15/03/2010 18:40

I didn't want this to go unanswered but I don't think this is really going to help you. I feel for you though, but it sounds like you are working on the problem. Are you in a relationship?

cluckyduck · 15/03/2010 19:03

You really need to speak to a pyschotherapist or counsellor about the underlying root causes OP I think, I don't know what else to say really.

In answer to your question, No, penetration at home without being warmed up wouldn't be comfortable, the human body needs lubrication, be it real or artificial.

cluckyduck · 15/03/2010 19:06

And OP please don't call yourself freakish! You're just complex, with your own set of issues, like everyone of us!

Original poster
cumbria81 · 15/03/2010 19:07

Thanks for the replies. You're right, I know I need to keep working on it. And I am trying to stay positive. But sometimes it's hard.

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 15/03/2010 19:10

If I just tried inserting something into me without being warmed up then yes it would bloody hurt, I need to be turned on and lubricated for it to be nice.

Do you have a prtner at the moment or not? Can you turn yourself on before you start using the dilators or attempting sex?

Think you might be best trying to identify the root cause of this with the help of a therapist of some sort. Sorry I can't be of more help.

Nemofish · 15/03/2010 19:34

cumbria81, are you me?!

I 'clamp up' when I attempt intercourse (which, frankly, has only been once in the past 6 months or so) and I do not think I would be able to use the kind of dilators you mentioned.

If I can really, really, relax and bathe in the lurve of my other half and ignore the un-sexy intrusive thoughts, then I can just about manage to do it, fairly painlessly. Have to keep thinking RELAX. Otherwise no chance, hurt dp almost as much as me I think.

Just call me Nemofish, her of the vice-like vagina...

Coldhands · 15/03/2010 21:58

I have a similar problem I definately need to be warmed up quite a bit and even then it always hurts at first until I relax a bit. I don't wear tampons as it doesn't hurt to put them in but it is a bit uncomfortable.

I know my DH sometimes has difficulties and has to take his time. It has been a long time since we have had sex tbh, mainly because of this problem. So you are not a freak and you are not alone. I am glad to hear that others have the same issues I have. Even though I feel like I am not normal as well.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/03/2010 23:22

As others have said, are you using lots of lube and getting in the right frame of mind? If you have a partner, is he a good and desirable partner in other ways, do you love hin and find him attractive? And is he sympathetic to your condition or impatient with you; if it's the latter, no wonder you're not finding it much fun.

Original poster
cumbria81 · 16/03/2010 09:26

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. It's "nice" to know other people have the same problem, if that's the right word. I know it's not completely rare but in a world full of images of sex and people seemingly at it all the time, I feel as though I am not really a woman.

When I work with my dilators I try and get in the right frame of mind and use lube. I can be really turned on, but as soon as I feel something going in I tense up and that is that.

OP posts:
Coldhands · 16/03/2010 09:57

Your last sentence describes me exactly! I am on the waiting list to have physcho sexual counselling. Aparently it is suppose to be very good but you need a referral from your Doctor.

Gay40 · 21/03/2010 14:59

I've never met a woman who had a problem with penetration - provided she was turned on enough. Plenty of foreplay until you are more than ready.

BitOfFun · 21/03/2010 15:02

Thanks for that useful input, Gay40- it's always nice to have something mansplained...

Gay40 · 21/03/2010 15:03

I'm a woman lol

Gay40 · 21/03/2010 15:06

Probably should tell you I'm a lesbian too...just in case you thought gay means happy

BitOfFun · 21/03/2010 15:08

Ah. Damn- I've never managed to shoehorn that word into a thread before, I was feeling quite pleased with myself

I still think that it's a bit off to say because you've never shagged someone with vaginismus that the OP just needs to be more turned on. I imagine she's kinda tried that, you know?

blinks · 21/03/2010 15:09

you'd better watch or the daily mail will be doing an article on your vagina.

Gay40 · 21/03/2010 15:14

I've met ("met") woman who have penetration issues - usually to do with incompetent partners.
I'm not saying vaginismus isn't a condition, it clearly is. But probably less physical than psychological.
No one can get something in there with little or no preparation. A baby can get out....believe me, something smaller can get in if you are gagging for it.

Gay40 · 21/03/2010 15:15

The Daily Hate Mail would happily have me shot with shit.

LadyBee · 21/03/2010 15:18

It must be difficult to really get in the right frame of mind and nice and relaxed if at the back of your mind there's a constant thought that the whole point of this is do something that might make you feel tense and uncomfortable.
Have you ever had pleasure resulting from penetration?
Have you ever had an orgasm?
Sorry these are very personal questions but I just wonder whether rather than concentrating so much on the vagninal penetration issue (although that's obviously something you want to deal with eventually), maybe if you felt totally comfortable with bringing yourself, being brought to and bringing someone else to orgasm that might be help you to feel more sexually successful?
You may find that if you can consistently bring yourself to orgasm then possibly slipping narrow into your vagina afterwards and then during or just before might help you to associate penetration with more pleasurable feelings.

Just a suggestion. For me, I'm quite good at relaxing my vaginal walls, so having something inserted generally isn't a big deal for me - like when you have a smear test, or a transvaginal scan for example, I can relax for that quite easily. But it in no way feels nice . For sex with my husband I don't think about relaxing at all, I just get to a certain point when it feels right for him to enter (that's emotionally and physically).

That's how it is for me, but I really haven't a clue whether it is for other women .

LadyBee · 21/03/2010 15:21

Sorry, meant to say "possibly slipping something narrow"

BitOfFun · 21/03/2010 15:29

I have a feeling this thread is being closely monitored Also, what blinks said.

ItsGraceAgain · 21/03/2010 16:59

In partial answer to your OP - Yes, it does hurt if I'm not ready for some reason. As someone else said, I learned to relax the muscles at will ... presumably you are doing this anyway?

Vaginismus isn't terribly well understood, as you know. Whilst you can do stuff to improve your muscle control and flexibility, there must be a psychological element to it because it's triggered during sex. Psycho-sexual counselling has to be the way to go. I do wish you luck.

ItsGraceAgain · 21/03/2010 17:01

By the way, do you ever look at your genitals in a mirror?

Original poster
cumbria81 · 21/03/2010 17:10

Thanks again for the replies.

My first "homework" from seeing the counsellor was to look at my genitals in a mirror. To be frank, I found it disgusting. I know this isn't the right way to feel

Vaginismus is purely psychological. There is nothing physically wrong. I almost wish there was as it would be easier to fix.

I do have a partner but our sex life has dwindled into nothingness. He was very patient at the start, amazingly so, but has been depressed for a long period of time which has affected his sex drive and I suppose we have just fallen out of the habit.

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 21/03/2010 17:13

You need to find it at least interesting

Can't say I prefer looking at my vagina to looking at my fingernails, but I know a lot of women do love their lady parts! Counselling for you, madam

Swipe left for the next trending thread