NEED HELP AS TO WHETHER STAY WITH HUSBAND FOR SAKE OF CHILDREN

[cd4945]

Despite always coming to Mumsnet for advice over the last year I never actually thought I would "write in". After reading all the wonderful help a similar thread received, however, I am hoping for the same. Gosh where do I start?
Am 40 this year and have been married for almost 14 years and have 2 girls (aged 7 & 2). If it were not for them I would have called it a day before now but can't seem to get away from the idea that it is better to stay married for their sake. ADVICE PLEASE!!!
The problem is multi-fold (is there such a word?: My husband has always enjoyed a drink but in recent years this has escalated so much that for the 2nd time in 6 months he has not come back in until 8 in the morning - completely drunk (the first time without his jumper and shoes). This last time (4 days ago) is what has caused me to write in. He stumbled through the door. Could not walk. Could not talk and fell over when he picked up our 2 year old who had rushed to see him. Luckily our 7 year old was transfixed to the TV and did not see that not only was he drunk but that with him was a confirmed alcoholic whose marriage broke down last year.My H. soon passed out and remained in his bedroom (we have slept separately for over 2 years now)for 24 hours. He claims he cannot remember anything. I am not sure whether to believe him as he has lied so much about everything. I said the problem was multi fold - there have been lies about gambling, debts, and secret credit cards ( We re-mortgaged the house 12 years ago to pay off his previous credit card debts and he had vowed never to get another card - I found 2 just before this Christmas with £5,000 owing). I have found opened sexual enhancer pill packets in his pockets and wine/rum have been secretly drunk after I have gone to bed. He has called me terrible names and yelled at me (though not often) in front of the girls. The eldest has picked up on the vibes and tells us to stop fighting. I would love to be able to write that he is a wonderful, doting father but so often he just seems happy to have them out of the way and 99% of the time it is me who puts them to bed - even when they ask for Daddy. Our sex life is just that -SEX - I won't go into details but there is little love there.
But he is not all bad and will often bring me breakfast in bed. I am reminded of the Jekyll and Hyde character/the girl with the curl...
I just feel that I have now reached an important crossroads and don't know which way to turn. If I look back in 10 years time what will I wish I had done?
As with the last 8am episode my H is carrying on pretty much as normal although a bit quieter. He has said that he "will stop everything he has done for 25 years because you want that..." He has not said he wants it or how he will do it. He has not even said sorry. If it was me I would be doing all I could not just in words but actions as well. But nothing.I have suggested counselling in the past but he was not keen and now a part of me just doesn't seem to have the energy to try.
HELP PLEASE...

Well the kids appear to be getting fuck all out of it, except a drunken role model, so I vote no.

"he is not all bad and will often bring me breakfast in bed"

Er, if that's the best you can say ... if this is a genuine account of your situation then I can't see any argument in favour of staying at all. Why on earth do you think that it is better for your children if you stay married to this person? Surely it's obvious that is not the case.

Do you want to reach 65 and still be living like this? I can't imagine so. If you leave, he will still be your DCs' father, and might actually be a better one than he is now. You're not depriving them of a father - you're removing them from an unhappy home life.

Oh dear, where to start? He's verbally abusive, sometimes in front of the children, he gets so drunk he puts a child's safety in danger, you presumably suspect him of infidelity after finding the sex pills, he's habitually secretive, gets you into debt, has an addictive personality and can take or leave fatherhood.

It sounds like you have been trying too hard, for too long. I bet you're tired....

An environment like this is never best for children. It's bloody horrendous. I'd reverse this and say I was leaving for the sake of the children.

Get out of it. Nobody stays for the children, we stay for fear of change.

You know that growing in that environment and such role models, is not in the best interest of the children.

I am in tears here. I cannot believe the number of replies so quickly. I really feel that I am not alone. I am just so very very grateful for the help.
Thank You.

Hi
sorry to hear you are going through this.
i have been seperated from my H for 9months now, 1 dc. it certainly isnt easy. but you have to think what is best for your children and that behaviour just isnt and i am sure you know that. what your children want to see is a happy mummy, it is better that 2 parents are apart and happy then together and unhappy for the sake of the children. the children will eventually leave home, then what? both yourself and your husband arent happy only i think men deal with it differently. why not go to relate on your own? does he have anyone he can stay with , if only for week? just for break? i am also at the crossroads and have not yet come to decision after 9 months of seperation, alsono sex for 2 yrs, its not a happy situation and you and your children deserve better.

I'm no use on the drunk behaviour; but my h left me 8 ish weeks ago, an I can tell you the children are happy. They will grow up happy with a mum who isn't put down and cheated on, without a negative relationship model being shown to them.

Yes there are bad days, of course, but I'd rather this than my dds seeing that mums hae to put up and shut up; and my boys seeing you can behave that way (lie, cheat, be aggressive).

do you work full time/part time?, whatever you do, do not leave the marital home!

Is there anything at all that you can say that is good and nice about him?

Aside from the occasional breakfast in bed, everything in your OP is negative.

He is abusive, drunk, spends money and hides it from you, has little interest in his children. Possibly cheating on you?

Try to imagine your life in 5 years time - is he in it? Do you want him to be?

never stay because of the children
They will not thank you. I think my mum put up with a lot and stayed with my father (whom i adore btw).
Now she is ill and he is her carer.

So she is cared for by someone she doesnt really love and my father cares for a woman he has little respect for.

I think they were both too weak to do something when they could.

I pity them both now. Dont let that be you.
It will be hard and you will have doubts but it sounds as if there need to be major changes for there to be any chance.

Good luck

I would worry that your kids will be angry with you later if you don't leave. He can still see them and actually have to spend time with them.

How nice to hearsomeone on here not trying to pretend that their H is a "great dad". He is leaving you to parent alone at the moment, and bringing danger and instability into their lives, along with verbal abuse of their mum. Have you tried kicking him out?

Hello and thank you again for advice. I think I will try Relate on my own. I did approach a counsellor a while back so will get back in touch with her.

I do work - part time for my father's business. Needless to say, have told him nothing about last week's incident as concerned enough.

I do not want to leave home and disrupt the children and have suggested he move in with his parents who are only 8 doors up. First of all he said they refused to let him but when I said I could not believe they would do that as they are being so supportive to me and shocked at his latest behaviour he admitted he had not and did not want to ask them and would have to have the car and move into a hotel.I could not bring myself to make him do that and so he is still here but as I said practically carrying on as before. Perhaps I am expecting too much. Some big demonstration of love... I am already worrying about what is going to happen tonight.I really really do not believe he will be violent or even drink tonight it is more a fear of him doing and saying nothing again. Of trying to brush it under the carpet which we have done so many times before.

My life in 5 years? Now that is a good question.But to make sure my girls are happy - with or without their Dad at home - is a must.

It is so reassuring to hear of other Mums doing so well/taking that big brave step. Good luck to New Mummy and Scorps and thank you so much to everyone. You have made me see that it is not just Marriage v Divorce but that there is an area inbetween for space/counselling/mediation and change.

OP, I am you in ten years time.

I cannot tell you how much I regret staying.

I'm now heading for 50 with two children who won't be at home much longer, then what will I have? I don't think they will thank me for having stayed and the poor example they've had of relationships.

Please act soon for all your sakes.

Yes there is a grey zone in the middle between divorce and staying. I wouldn't contemplate taking a decision on leaving or staying without exploring that grey zone. It would be irresponsible not to. But remember, if that doesn't work, and the problems keep coming back periodically, don't get stuck in it.

I think with your situation, you've really got to try and picture your girls future here.

Myself and my sister were the products of an abusive drunkard that my mother decided to stay with only to protect our nuclear household. When she finally left him, it was too late - I had left home and my sis was already one year off of adulthood. I'll give you three guesses what type of men my sister and I ended up with....!

Little girls look up to their mummies and quite often follow in their footsteps. In 20 odd years time, do you really want to a) still be putting up with an alcoholic loser for a husband and b) watch on helplessly as your daughters possibly get involved with men just like their dad?!?!?!

I guess you have to ask yourself if you would WANT your girls to end up with a bloke like their old man? If the answer is no, then make the break.....

It might be hard going for the first year or so, but by staying with this man you are almost certainly signing away any hope of a happy futute.

Good luck breaking the cycle. :-)

The brushing it under the carpet is a man thing!! If you dont say anything he wont and then he will act all surprised and say he thought it had all been sorted.

The grey area could be you or both getting some counselling to work out what you both want.

It sounds as if he does not want to 'give up' but you do need change and if he sees that he might be willing to do something before it really is too late.

I'm not an expert, but I imagine that children pick up on unhappy home lives. Never stay for their sake - are you saying that the current situation is better than any life you could make for them on your own? It will be hard but I'm sure they will adapt to changes in their lives, especially if mummy is happier. And if the drunkeness gets worse....at what point are you putting them at risk?
Secondly, if you read your post, or heard a friend telling you this story, what would you say? It's no different just because it's your own life. Try and take off the blinkers and look at the situation objectively, and that may help you to see more clearly.

Grief, i just got nervous reading this thread. cd.I spent the last 5 years like you, wondering whether to stay or go, making excuses for ex's behaviour, nightlife, irresponsability and insults. Scared that i wouldn't be able to cope alone, abroad with 3 Dc then 6 monthes ago, I told him to go, that I wouldn't take anymore.My Ds(9)was starting to imitate him and I knew it would never get better by staying. Since then its sometimes been very hard, emot.draining, financial nightmare and at first DS was horrendous but as I have got stronger again I have seen my marriage for the shambles it was, that my life is now authentic and there is HOPE again.Home is now easy-going, peaceful and DS has changed immensly-I'm so proud that I finally did it-don'T be scared, its much worse to never live truthfully!

I wish my parents had split up when I was young. I have horrible memories of the screaming fights, of being terrified of it in my bed. I swore I wasn't going to repeat their mistakes, but I have done some of them and my own marriage is now falling apart.

I was dreadfully unhappy when I realised how bad things had got, and it was really affecting my 2yo DS - he didn't know why mummy was so sad.

H has been gone less than a week, and we're both happier already. Everyone is more relaxed, the tensions are gone from around him and I think we've got a better environment for him.

So no, I would say never to stay together for the sake of the children. If you still feel something for your H and want him to change, then figure out what needs to change, ask him to move out and work on that stuff - then you can see whether he's changing from a distance. The distance will give you a chance to see that your children will be fine, and that you will be happier, which is great for them.

Good luck!

I truly sympathise with you and understand your predicament completely. I'm now divorced - xDH and I split nearly 2 years ago. He was a heavy drinker and we spent the latter part of our marriage arguing about it. He would stay out and come back wasted too - wandering into the kids rooms in a drunken stupor. He once got so drunk he pissed in the bath. I could go on with more horrible stories...

Ending the marriage has been the right decision for me - I used to say to my friends "Well, I'll just stay til the kids are older" etc. You will reach a point of no return where the very sight of him will make you sick. I know I did.

If I were to advise you to do one thing, it would be to tell your parents (if they're supportive). Getting it out in the open and talking about his behaviour might help you to see the ugly reality of it. You might be suprised to find that they knew all along.

Being a lone parent isn't easy but it is 'do-able'. If you're doing 99% of the work anyway, you may find the kids hardly notice he's even gone!

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hello, having posted myself today for the first time, I read your post and see elements of my situation right now & totally sympathise... The Jekyll & Hyde sydrome - my OH came in two weeks ago so trashed he wet himself despite saying he'd be in for dinner, he lies about money, etc etc. I've realised very sadly that it's up to me to provide the positive role model to my 2 DD's. Just last week when he was away for work they said how much much calmer the house was without him - some men seem to grow older but not 'up'. I wish you strength as I need to harness mine..

Hi, another one here who is in a similar situation to the OP. those of you who have moved on are giving me real strength at the moment but there is one thing in particular troubling me. Like some others, alcohol is at the root of my marriage problems and what's worrying me is if we split up, what if H just gets worse? How on earth could I leave our DD (12) with him? He's not someone who gets totally drunk but he is a heavy drinker all the same and drinks every day. What have others done on this issue?

By the way, I think having read some of these posts, I've realised that my DD is probably being made unhappy by the tension in the house when H is here. He's worked away quite a bit in the last year and things have been so much nicer when it has been just the two of us.

cd what would you advise your daughters to do if they were in your shoes 30 years down the line?
i think the love and support you would give them, together with the strength and courage you would desperately wish for them is the kindness you need to show yourself, for you and your daughters.

There are people that keep doing something (habit? addiction?) that costs them money, puts their families at risk, makes them liars, and it doesn't even seem to make them happy. They pretend things are OK or that they will change for the sake of someone else, but it is incredibly difficult for them to actually do anything about it.

Sound familiar?

It's you.

And it was me too.

He is your drug. He is costing you a fortune and making your life miserable. You have to find the strength to kick your habit (right out of the damn house).