Since my Dad died I am starting to hate my Mother....

[DrNortherner]

In a nut shell, Dad was an eternal optomist, always happy, never moaned and took such an interest in my life. The void he has left has totally shook my world. I am still dealing with my own grief and know losing him has changed me forever.

My Mother has always been a moaner. She is a glass half empty person and critices everyone and everything. Since my dad died this has become much more apparant and I now dread calling her, visiting her and sometimes I actually want to slap her. (Then I hate myself for feeling like this)

She is a volunteer in a charity shop - she moans they let her do all the work and nobody esle does anything.

She moans that her Mother (my Gran) and her sisters do not support her. (not true)

She moans she never hears from my dad's friends - truth is she slated them all to other people and they heard about it.

She tells me that her friends think I am not supporting her enough and that she is so upset to hear this from them....

When I point out what she is moaning about is not quite true she cries and says I never support her.

She visits my dad's grave every week and crys to stragners who are also visiting a grave...

She slags off my Gran all the time, despite her being 85 and having 5 other daughters to deal with.

She always plasy the victim and uses words such as 'I can't take anymore', 'They've kicked me in the teeth' etc etc

I get a blow by blow account of her grief every day - I cried all day yesterday/I nearly collapsed in the kitchen/I broke down in the supermarket/I was walking the floors at 3am/I am not sleeping/eating ......she acts like I am so over dad dying and has never once asked how I am or how I am coping.

She never asks how I am, she knows nothing about my life she just talks about herself and how hard it all is.

I am an only child so no one else to share the burden, I was so close to my Dad and miss him terribly.

dad walked on eggshells around Mum and did anything to keep the peace, as did I when I was younger. She is they type of person who will not take criticism and she will end up in tears, crying louder than anyone else saying how much I have hurt her.

My Mum only has me and I want to improve things but need some advice.

Sorry this is so long.

I lost my dad very unexpectedly in February and my mum displays all these traits - my sister says mum has a narcissistic personality and isn't interested in her - mum is destroying me and I don't know what to do - she is so manipulative and everyone feels sorry for her but they don't see the difficult side to her.

People started to lose sympathy with my mum and have all told her to start moving on as she has 3 children who are doing all they can for her. My mum has been better since on anti depressions and it did take some convincing to get her to take these but her moods are better and she is not being as nasty as she was. It’s still hard as if I don’t call her because of being busy I get you don’t care about me etc and you just want to screem. Has your mum been to the doctor at all?

We live abroad - I don't know how easy access to help regarding depression might be but it is my next step.

I can’t believe I found this thread everything that everyone has talking about is the same with my mom. I just lost my dad 9 months ago and I can’t even stand being around my mom any longer. It’s like she’s not happy unless everybody is unhappy with her. She told me she’s upset that no one calls to ask how she’s doing any longer and that everyone stopped talking about my dad. Which they haven’t but they don’t talk about it 24 hrs a day or every time they see my mom. And now every time I talk to her she makes digs at me. We went to put my dads ashes in the mausoleum the other day and I told her I would just like it to be ya and not the whole extended family and friends that she wanted to be there, and she yelled at me and said I was a cold hearted bitch! But since my dad went into the hospital and we had to take him off life support it’s been constant with all my aunts and uncles and friends, there had never been a time where it’s just been us alone with him and she just can’t understand that. It’s like she needs all this sympathy alllllll the time. I feel myself pulling further and further away which sucks because we used to be friends. I think maybe my dad was a buffer, I just never saw this is how she always was/is. I hate it. Sorry for rambling but I just had to get that out

It’s almost coming up to a year since my dad passed and my mom is still the same. I can’t stand being around her. She hasn’t even tried to get help. She is never happy unless everybody is unhappy like her. She is drinking all the time but Denys it when I confront her and my extended family enables her. We got In a huge fight this Christmas because of it, and I looked like the bad daughter like I should just let her be a drunk because that’s how she’s “coping “ I really just want to walk away and just not talk to her anymore. I hate it. We used to be so close and now I can’t even be around her

Hi everyone
I am in a difficult, similar position to yourselves. Is anyone still checking this thread so that I could have a chat with you about it? Many thanks

I'm here listening. Lost my dad 6 weeks ago and it's tough.

Oh my lord , I read this and could word for word emphasize with you , except for me it's my dad . He wasnt the life and soul of any party , but since mum died (7 years ago )he resents everything and everyone. Even went as far as to say we( devastated) children couldn't grieve as much as he ,as she was " his wife before she was our mother"
I have no advice other than what I tell myself before every visit " mum would want me to carry on , she wouldn't want him lonely "

Oh my this thread has really helped me. My lovely dad passed away in February but I think it’s only hitting me now because I’ve been so wrapped up in worrying about my mum. He was one of the few people I could really talk to and we had the same sense of humour. I really lost it last week and knew I couldn’t speak to my mum about it because all I ever hear is how she’s lost her husband and how much harder it is for her.

I’ve spent the last 8 months supporting my mum in various ways, including getting her involved more with the community which she has never done before and is enjoying it. my DH helps too when in fact my siblings should be helping. On top of this my narcissistic older sister rarely visits my mum which upsets her and it’s all I hear f@£?ing about and how much my mum dislikes my BIL. So many family politics on top of missing my dad and I’m close to stopping all contact because it’s beginning to affect my mental health.

Glad I have found this post ... we lost my dad last year and I’m am gradually not wanting to be around my mum more and more. She didn’t treat my dad very well through the last couple of years of his life as she was bitter she had been left to look after him - he told me she wasn’t being very nice to him when he was in hospital temporarily but she denied it all. She is a very bitter woman and told me years before when her mum passed away that she wished it was her dad and she was so horrible to him when my Nan died. I have never had the best relationship with her and when I had trauma in my life all she could go on about is how it affected her. All these things have chipped away at me over the years and now I just feel I have to be in contact over duty as I dread every time I have to see her. At the beginning I tried to take her out shopping and lunches etc but she is so rude and talks down to people or kicks off I can’t do it anymore. I don’t know if she is in the early stages of dementia or just has always had a narcissist side to her but as I have got older I have realised she has always been like this. There is a lot of jealousy to do with her sister who she doesn’t speak to anymore as she has an amazing life abroad. She has never been a happy woman and has a lot of deep set issues - I don’t know how I can carry on with her for the next X amount of years it’s just going to get worse.

Like @GetOrfMoiLand, my mother is also a professional victim. She was always very negative, but when my father left her when she was 48 she ramped it up a thousand percent.

Same as your mother, everything is always about her - she can't stand not being the centre of attention, preferably with people feeling sorry for her. She's lost most of her friends (one that had been a friend for nearly 65 years) because of her negativity. No matter what you've had, she's had it worse and she was more affected...she even tried to 'compete' with me when I had cancer, saying the pain of childbirth was worse than chemo...

My mother also now bitches about my older brother because he is happily married and gets on well with his inlaws. I find it disgusting that a nearly 80 year old woman is actually jealous of the happiness of her son...

I'm very LC with her, and it's easy as I'm on the other side of the world from her. In your position, I'd be keeping my contact with her as low as humanly possible. You aren't responsible for her or her feelings.

I am going thru this exact experience with my mother right now only shes delusional on top of it all!!...since your post was awhile back how did you get thru it? Or are you still getting thru it?

Your lovely self doesn't need to cut off your mother.
She is obviously a drama queen - possibly mental health issues?
You need to create a distance between you so you don't take all she says to heart. Step away but not physically.
Can you take her to a grief support group where she can off load regularly? or a counseller?
Is there a church group that does local volunteering which you could join together but your mother could attend much more regularly?
I read that helping others is a sure fire way of putting one'sown problems into perspective.

It seems that your mother will moan on. You have to place your needs first and keep yourself healthy and happy.

How many times can one old thread be resurrected?

It's old, start your own thread.