Since my Dad died I am starting to hate my Mother....

[DrNortherner]

In a nut shell, Dad was an eternal optomist, always happy, never moaned and took such an interest in my life. The void he has left has totally shook my world. I am still dealing with my own grief and know losing him has changed me forever.

My Mother has always been a moaner. She is a glass half empty person and critices everyone and everything. Since my dad died this has become much more apparant and I now dread calling her, visiting her and sometimes I actually want to slap her. (Then I hate myself for feeling like this)

She is a volunteer in a charity shop - she moans they let her do all the work and nobody esle does anything.

She moans that her Mother (my Gran) and her sisters do not support her. (not true)

She moans she never hears from my dad's friends - truth is she slated them all to other people and they heard about it.

She tells me that her friends think I am not supporting her enough and that she is so upset to hear this from them....

When I point out what she is moaning about is not quite true she cries and says I never support her.

She visits my dad's grave every week and crys to stragners who are also visiting a grave...

She slags off my Gran all the time, despite her being 85 and having 5 other daughters to deal with.

She always plasy the victim and uses words such as 'I can't take anymore', 'They've kicked me in the teeth' etc etc

I get a blow by blow account of her grief every day - I cried all day yesterday/I nearly collapsed in the kitchen/I broke down in the supermarket/I was walking the floors at 3am/I am not sleeping/eating ......she acts like I am so over dad dying and has never once asked how I am or how I am coping.

She never asks how I am, she knows nothing about my life she just talks about herself and how hard it all is.

I am an only child so no one else to share the burden, I was so close to my Dad and miss him terribly.

dad walked on eggshells around Mum and did anything to keep the peace, as did I when I was younger. She is they type of person who will not take criticism and she will end up in tears, crying louder than anyone else saying how much I have hurt her.

My Mum only has me and I want to improve things but need some advice.

Sorry this is so long.

There is no winning in a situation like that. No wonder your Dad just sighed and agreed. Is is possible to do this too? Have you tried it? Although I realise that what you need help with is to stop feeling angry with her, you have realistically given up any hope of normal behavior from her

Perhaps it will get easier as you grow more used to the loss of your Dad - things become easier to bear even though they hurt just as much.

DrN - the grieving bit seems to become a bit of a competition with them too. I find it all quite bizarre (I'm talking about my Mum/my situation here). My Mum will also wait for people to phone her instead of picking up the phone to chat to them. Her thinking is that they should phone her and then complains that nobody phones her.

I used to call her every night until I met OH and forgot a couple of times. After he died and she behaved extremely badly, I stopped ringing altogether. I just had to metaphorically turn my back on her because she was causing so much emotional damage with her behaviour.

I read the NPD thread from time to time and wonder if your mum and my mum has traits? (Hope I don't offend you with that query).

What is NPD?

It's OK - worked it out!

Oh yes lemony - My Mum does the 'I'm not phoning her - she hasn't phoned me'
Then she moans that no one calls her.

I will check out the NPD thread.
Thanks

went to visit my parents today - Dad is retired which means my mum now can fill his days with her appointments and have him run around after her all the time.

I read about if you 'favour' one parent then it is understandable for the other to be jealous and bitter. Sorry but i think this is just becoming the victim again.

I know it is stereotyping but i do think little girls and dads do have a special bond. (i also think boys and mothers do). Any mother that becomes jealous of that does have a serious problem imo.
I always felt as if my mum was jealous of me and was just waiting for me to 'fail' - she would often say 'you will soon see just how hard life is......, you dont know just how easy you have it.....' and other such negative comments.

The thing is i dont think i have inherited her negative gene and dont seem to have found life that hard.

I do grieve the relationship i never had with her but i dont think it has made me bitter and i certainly think it has helped me to have a better one with my daughters.

I almost can't bear to respond, because it is all so familiar. I was so angry with my mother after dad died - but she went to pieces and was in tremendous debt (shopping addiction that dad was so worried about) and I had to take care of her - only child. Moved her to sheltered housing nearby.

I reached a kind of equilibrium. Something that worked for me was imagining that she wasn't actually my mum - just an old lady that I was trying to help out. Just trying to distance myself from the emotional drama. It worked some of the time and gave me some respite.

2 years later I nursed her at home with cancer and she died. I went quite nuts for a few months. Just so much baggage. I miss my dad more - but her death was harder to deal with because of all the 'stuff'.

I walked on egg shells around her all my life - as did dad. She was my adoptive mum - the guilt at our dysfunctional relationship is tremendous. It seems a terrible thing to admit - but now she is gone, I have a kind of peace. It's over. Whatever it was - it is set in stone and that's that.

I did the best I could - especially toward the end. It wasn't just for her - I didn't want any more guilt down the line.

God forbid dd should ever go through anything like this with me. It's too terrible to contemplate.

Have no advice, just wanted to say sorry for your loss, hope things with your mother improve x

Thanks again everyone.

Acinonyx - thanks for sharing your story. The similarities are scary between our situations arent they? I get what you mean about the peace you feel now.

I always dreaded my Dad dying before my Mum. I knew it would be horrendous, and it is. I know I will never treat my ds this way, ever.

Mum rang tonight, on the phone fpr 25 mins, she talked about the shop, her friend, the woman accross the road, her Mother and 2 of my aunts. I did not get a word in about me and my life. I told her I rang my cousin who is going through a dovorce and my Mum wanted a written manuscript of the phone conversatuon (what did you talk about/what did she say etc etc) when I said that some things she told me were in confidence I could tell my Mum was upset. She said 'That's the difference between you and I, I would always tell you' She was so hurt I would not share with her even though I was not betraying someone's confidence. For the rest of the conversation she was shotr and curt with me.

DrNorthener.. i came across your thread and it made me cry. How are things after 7 months?

DrN - just to say I'm sorry to hear about your dad. As others have said, it does get easier, but when it hurts, it hurts just as it ever did. Anyway that's my experience after 23 years.

After my df died my dm continued to slag him as she had done before, beginning every sentence with 'your df...'. We went to live with her, to help, but unfortunately, some people are beyond it. Because I wouldn't give in to her bullying, she disowned me. We moved and I had 4 years of anonymous letters etc. Fortunately the phone no was xd. That's 18 years ago.

Now 95 she's in a nursing home, she's never met dd - it would have been too dangerous as she's not the fluffy white-haired granny that a child needs.

So, if need be, to protect yourself, it's possible to sever contact. I can't deny it hurts, and it's not without it's problems, but in the end it does lead to a more peaceful life.

Take care, and as others have said, try the tactics mentioned to try and move the emotional hassle a step further away, which should help. Good luck.

I know this is a long shot but I am wondering if you could give me some advice. My dad died nearly 3 years ago and I really am starting to resent my mum. I have no family life since he died and she won't move on.

Hi Andellewi.
It would probably be best to start your own thread about this. Most people won't see your post at the end of this thread.
I think it's important you establish boundaries with your mum. How often do you see her?

Dr northerner, don't feel guilty about going low contact for a while in this delicate time for you.

I'm sorry your dad has passed away, and I think you need time to grieve, without being sucked alive by your vampiric mum.

I think we are sisters btw, and I go low contact with my "mum" who, incidentally, I also see an an old lady who I know- it does help.

The first few years after she "buried her husband" we're the worst of my life, she rang and cried about everything and anything every evening, and seemed unable to function,,,,, it's fair enough I suppose she should miss him, as he did everything for her..... BUT, I had lost my dad and friend, and she never once asked me how I was doing, it was all about her, and what I could do for her- she wanted me to take his role in her life.

When family members ask me how is my mum, I say "I don't know, you should ask her", seems to let them know I'm low contact without going into the emotions of it.

I can't bear to waste anymore of my life thinking about her or feeling guilty anymore.

I've given myself permission to let her live her own life without me, and for me to get along quite nicely thanks without her black hole presence.

So far it's working.

Keep smiling, and sorry again about your loss. Take care.

ZOMBIE.5 year old thread!

Yes but ^ andellewi is in the same boat. Three years of it. Any chance OP is still around? Could mention how things were for her after 3 years/what she did/what it is like now five years on? Or anyone else. Getorf was a blast from the past, is she still on here?

I would tackle her and get things out in the open air.She has no insight, so needs things spelt out for her.Prepare yourself for Oscar winning dramatics, and then let her have a period of reflection.(No contact for a few days) See if this helps. If not, I'm afraid she is not likely to change, and just needs managing". This does sound harsh, but your own mental health needs to be protected.

hi i know your post was posted quite a long time ago but i relate to this big time. my mam is the same as yours. she slags me off to my daughter but then slags my daughter off to me. luckily we both know what she is doing and dont get upset about it. i havnt had time to grieve for my lovely dad whom i adore so much. he died a year ago gone march and she thinks she is the only one grieving cos, in her words, he was her husband. doesnt matter if he was my dad. cant take much more of this, sometimes i wish it had been her that went first and not my dad. then i feel guilty for thinking that. hope u r feeling a whole lot better. thanks for listening jan

i am relating to this so much even though your post was in 2010. i lost my dad a year ago gone march. i was dads lass. i miss him so much but i havnt had time to properly grieve for him as I am sorting everything for mam. she is a very controlling person and we never used to get on. my dad was always trying to keep peace with her and also between me and her. he used to say to me, just say sorry, and i said well i havnt done anything so why should i say sorry. and he said well she is your mam so just say sorry anyway.

i am struggling to cope with her now, i have my own house but have lived with mam since my dad was taken ill in january 2015. i am still here cos i cant leave her.
my daughter has stopped going to see her because all she does is bad mouth me and then when i get home all i get is my mam bad mouthing my daughter. its got to the point that going to work is wonderful. anyone any ideas.
oh and she doesnt like going to the doctors or hospitals. then she moans that they dont care and dont come to see her with her many ailments. if i point it out to her she says she is not bothered and will just put up with it until she dies.
please tell me it will get better cos at the minute i feel dragged down by her attitude

I know this post is quite old now but I wanted to say thank you for sharing. I was starting to think I was a horrible person for the thoughts in my head, then I stumbled across your post. I cried when I read it - so familiar to me.... my Dad died in 2012. I'm an only child, I gave up my job to nurse my Dad through 5 horrific months of a brain tumor while she had a melt down and actually managed to make life at home even harder. I was always close to my Dad, my Mum is always negative, she bitches about her neighbours, she moans about everything but never does the smallest thing about it. She thinks she's the only person who ever lost anybody (she has no empathy at all, so assumes that nobody could understand what it's like for her). She's weathly (money she inherited from my Dad - she never had a job) and unbelievably selfish, she tries to use money as a tool to make me do what she wants, but I'm not a materialistic person so when she threatens to take something away, I just say "ok".
Sorry, I seem to have verbal diarrhea here, I'm just so relieved to hear that other people go through the same s**t. I'm so close to cutting off contact but she is also an only child so I'm her only family. Even though I hate her, I would feel bad for doing that.
Anyway thanks again for your honesty, it gave me strength and I really hope things have improved for you too since you last posted. Xxx

Hi since my dad died I'm now my mums carer Mon to Fri days only . I'm finding it very difficult to feel comfortable with her at times . Since dad died 2 months ago she has never once asked how I am etc , she is the one grieving and needing support . She was so dependant on my dad and spent 53 yes married to him . My dad was so lovely and understanding , but my mmm is so consumed with herself and her needs I'm finding it increasingly hard to be with her . I'm feeling like a surrogate husband , as she really only needs me for company whilst she copes with life after my dad . I'm find to be there and help with housework , go shopping , drive her places etc but more and more she seems to need me just to be there in her house . I've never had a close relationship with my mum , she is so critical , negative and dependant whatever anyone does . My dad was the polar opposite to her , and he would hate to see me feeling like this whilst I'm trying to support her . Im 52 but my mum makes me feel like a child at times , im not doing anything right , don't know how to do things etc ...she knows all and best at all times . I do try to change my behaviour towards her as i know for sure she will never change ! but it's not easy !!!!

So sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing as I feel your pain. Never wrote in before until now. My mum is breaking my heart and turning against me as she is falling back in with my sister who disappeared for several years after creating much havoc for the entire family. She took my parents for lots of money more than enough to buy a house but has nothing to show for it. My sister actually married my ex son-in-law.. what a nightmare. He spent two months in jail for domestic violence against her and got right back together. She has a history of this with previous six husbands. I told my mum to be careful with her after hearing of them staying out all night at a casino. I mean please don’t keep mum out until 5 a.m. gambling. Mum was on a losing streak and the sister was winning as usual. If she’s such a winner why doesn’t she pay them back. Trying to move on and I wish you the best of luck. It helps knowing that I’m not alone in such a predicament of life. What a chapter to make it through. 🕊

Hi I know your post is old but this sounds like I have written it.My father passed in May and my mother is behaving exactly like yours. I ring her all the time, have her stay over, take her to bingo, invite her friends round and all she says is I do nothing for her and my other brother (who is an alcoholic and rings her rarely) is the only one that has been there for her. She cries constantly for attention and she is never grateful for anything I do, she just slabs me off to my brother and her friends. My dads family are telling me to leave her and I need to be cruel to be kind as I have a busy job husband and kids of my own to look after. My mum has never been loving or caring but it’s now gone way beyond that. I wondered if you got any support when you was going through it and if it helped?

Hey, I'm really sorry. I am going through similar.

This stood out:

'get a blow by blow account of her grief every day - I cried all day yesterday/I nearly collapsed in the kitchen/I broke down in the supermarket/I was walking the floors at 3am/I am not sleeping/eating ......she acts like I am so over dad dying and has never once asked how I am or how I am coping.'

I have had this every day for 3 fucking years.

There is no nice way to deal with it because they don't change. The only option is for you to change. You need thicker skin unless you're prepared to go no contact. Sometimes I zone out. Sometimes I just let her talk and say 'I'm sorry, that's a shame'. I feel like a saturated sponge at the minute because I have nothing left to give. I am battle weary. I don't enable my mother anymore. I just do what works for me while trying to help when I want. She will kick off but I have just shut down this part of myself. It keeps me sane and safe.

@whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2
That’s what people are saying to me, that I have to change the way I react to what she says as she is never going to be the loving mother but I can’t as she is my mum. I just couldn’t imagine treating my children the way she treats me. I can hear my dad say now “just ignore her I have had 49 years of this she is like a child” but it’s so hard to ignore because I think the one day I don’t help her or ignore her will be the day something happens. I have put my life on hold since my dad died to make her happy and as comfortable as she can be and not one thank you all I get is you don’t miss him as much as I do when I definitely do it’s just I have so many people I am trying to please I don’t have time to grieve.