Meeting a good friend who's just said that her boyfriend of 6 months has said that he never wants children. How do I advise her?

[ooosabeauta]

I'm meeting a good school friend for lunch, so thinking quickly about what to say. She's absolutely wonderful and what I would call excellent mother material, kind and sensitive, and I've always pictured her having children.

My instant reaction to her asking what to do about her bloke's revelation is that she shouldn't decide never to have a family just to keep him. I want to say that you'll love your children more than any partner, so downtrade if necessary the boyfriend and have children because they'll be even better. I can't say this because it sounds tactless and judgemental, and too self-centred just because that's how I feel about my life.

What would you say to her?

Just popping off to have shower, but really would love to come back to some good advice

Six months is quite early in a relationship anyhow. In my experience people really show their true colours after the first six months, so it is quite possible she won't be as keen on the real 'him'. Dare I say he sounds a bit selfish and she may not like this when she gets to know him a bit more?

One of my friends is going through this at the mo - she married the guy and accidentally (?) got pregnant and he is still being a selfish twunt as he never wanted kids so can carry on acting as though he hasn't got one.

I would say kick him to the kerb and find someone who wants what you want in life - that is what a relationship is about isn;t it?

Still wishing I could post her a print out of these anecdotes! It's not what you want to hear though in her situation, so not welcome I expect...

I suspect it wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference if she read these anecdotes - they wouldn't apply to her, no doubt.

She's going to have to decide which she wants more: children or this particular man. The fact that he is upfront about not wanting children doesn't make him a bad person, it's PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT not to want to be a parent. And it doesn't sound as though your friend is all that bothered about having DC herself, more that she's been exposed to the usual bullshit that the only route to fulfilment for women is motherhood (when in fact plenty of childfree women are doing just fine and quite a few mothers wish they hadn't had children at all).

Having kids does change your lifestyle hugely. If the guy doesn't want kids that is his decision and not unreasonable for him at 44 to feel he isn't interested in them. Lots of parents particularly men end up feeling stifled by domesticity and child centred "free" time. At least he's being up front and honest. If your friend wants kids then I agree she needs a different boyfriend.

She's 30, no rush .........

I'm 39, have just been diagnosed with prem menoapuse. Pretty much a "complete" menopause, too, have probably been sub-fertile for 4 years, infertile for 1. It doesn't mater to us, we have 3 kids born when I was 29, 31, 32.

I'm not scaremongering. But it can happen sooner than you think ....

Well, when I was younger nnot having children would have been a deal breaker for me as I knew I really wanted them.

Fast forward 10 years, I have 2 lovely girls and am quite happy.

When I met my fiancé he said he didn't want further children as he already had 2 teenage boys from his first marriage, but he was happy to be stepdad to mine.

That was fine with me as I wasn't bothered about having more kids anyway.

Now that we are getting married we are boh thinking about maybe we DO want a child of our own after all.

So, yes, people can change their minds, but she has to be prepared that he might not.

If my fiancé had stuck to his original statement that he didn't want more kids that would have been perfectly fine with me so it didn't matter either way! But if I had desperately wanted a baby it would have been a totally different thing to marry a man who didn't, hoping he might change his mind.

My advice would be to either believe him, and resign herself to a life without DCs, or leave him.

He is 41 and I am 37 BTW so age doesn't necessarily signify whether someone will change their mind. As to whether we CAN still conceive at our age - that remains to be seen.

At 30 I married and had said I DEFINATELY wanted children (in fact said that I wanted to get married to have them). He didn't say that was a problem. At 32 we had our little boy. After I conceived he told me he didn't want children (note: we'd been actively trying but he said afterwards he'd been hoping it wouldn't happen!!). He asked me to have an abortion - then adoption. When I refused he refused to have anything to do with me, "Because of that THING inside you" and then nothing to do with the babe when he was born.

My friends all said he'd change his mind when he was born - he didn't.

2 1/2 years later I left him after being effectively a single parent. I'm now married to a guy who is the only person in the world that I love as much as my son and if I had to save only one of them, I honestly don't know who it would be. We've another on the way now and he's the best step-dad and daddy I could ask for as well as being the most amazing husband and just an all-round decent bloke.

My mistake? Not getting the truth out of my ex about his feelings before it was too late. He's said he was worried I'd have left him if he'd said he'd never wanted kids. At least this guy is being honest.

At 30 I was only just getting the baby hormones kicking in and when they did I went from "not wanting one of those manky things" to being absolutely bowled over with baby need within the space of about a year. It's never gone away - I can't imagine not having this baby and maybe one more too.

She's too young to make this decision. He's been decent and honest - but chances are, he won't change his mind. She can't rely on it and it's too early to decide on no kids - ever.

I agree - car crash

I have a friend in a very similar situation. She loves her DP but was desperate for children. He has three from his first marriage and has had the snip.

She is now 40 and following PCOS and Cervical cancer, has chosen to have a happy life with her DP and they're getting married this year. But she knows now that she will never have any DC, even though her Consultant has said that now is the time for her to have one as her health is currently good. He refuses to have a reversal of his op.

Actually feel sad for her, but mainly because I don't know whether I could live without my DD now I have her. And if ever I HAD to choose, it would be DD over my DH every time. My personal view (and just based on my own experiences) is that a love between a DH and a DW is conditional whereas a love between a Mother and a DC is not.

But, I wouldn't have known this if I hadn't had a child, so I hope that my friend will be really really happy even though she's had to make a tough decision, because I don't think you really know what you're missing until you have a DC.

I'm so sorry to hear your harrowing experience, Givecarrotsachance. I'm glad it's worked out well now. Yes, she ccan't expect him to change his mind, and yes I'm glad he's been honest so that he's not stringing her on under false pretences if she did want dcs with him.

Interesting to hear your experience in contrast, DawnAS, in particular referring to feelings for children vs. feelings for husband. It just goes to show how we're all incredibly different. I happen to share your take on dh vs. dc love. My dh is the only man I could ever marry, I'm incredibly grateful to him for being an amazing dh, and he's the best thing that ever happened to me (esp. by giving me my ds), but having my ds took love to another level that I didn't know existed before I had him. Not everyone feels like that, but it makes me sad to think that my friend might not experience this purely because she cow-tows to the wishes of a boyfriend. Different if it were always her choice, but as givecarrots has said, it's too early to know that her baby hormones won't kick in later. We'll see.