Husband has told me about a temptation...

[Seagullsrule]

My husband told me that there is a woman at work who has created an "awkward" situation for him. It boils down to her appearing to follow him around, blush, and "shut down" when he is around (in a way that he thinks is because she likes him). Not exactly major crimes and neither really consituting sexual harrassment or anything!
I said to him that if he's noticed it then others will have too (he's not that perceptive about these things). He commented that once he looked up and watched her walk across the room and the colleague he was talking to followed his gaze.
He said he feels awkward and it sort of emerged that he finds her attractive too. In fact he had a particular look on his face when he described her that very much reminded me of what he was like when we first got together :-( When I asked him to describe her, his comments included that she doesnt wear perfume, has a rubinsesque figure (which before we had the conversation I had flukely seen he had searched for on google when the predictive search came up), described the way she wears her hair, what its like etc - quite detailed I thought. I've since searched for on Facebook and she is gorgeous.
We had a longish chat where I said it's perfectly normal to fancy other people and was basically completely understanding about it - but also pointed out the pitfalls of affairs, the hurt it could cause, the fact that this woman is probably a minx as she knows he's married and could also cause problems for him at work so he needs to cover himself in case she gets funny or anything.
However - I feel quite rubbish about the whole thing really, mostly just feelings of sadness. I'm not sure whether I'm overreacting or perhaps should have been a bit more 'angry' at him??
Any comments or advice appreciated.

Hi. I don't think you would achieve anything by being more angry with him other than make him not tell you things in future. I would say that him telling you is a very good thing. From what you've said, it seems like he really wanted to tell you too. It's not like you had suspicions and had to drag it out of him.

I completely understand why this would make you feel a bit low and "rubbish" but he told you. He wanted to share his concerns with you. He didn't sneak off and have an affair or hide his attraction from you.

I think this shows that you have a very healthy relationship, to be honest.

I think you have handled this situation very well. Of course you feel rubbish - listening to him describe her in the way he did.

What you have on your side here is that he has told you, he is aware of what's going on and would appear to have been honest with you. That is a massive positive. You are now armed with knowledge. Keep communicating with him as you have done so far.

Thankyou.

I'm trying to think of some nice things we can do together as a family as I think it hasnt helped that we're totally stuck in a very boring and confined rut.

Off for a picnic today when he has finished work. (Although I may turn up a couple of mins early to see if she follows him out!!!!)

Lol! Have a lovely day.

Seagulls - Believe me, this is a great gift your H has given you! It's what I have been banging on about for months on here. Couples should discuss temptation - and the way you've reacted is completely spot on.

He loves you enough to share a tricky situation with you - and at some instinctive level, he must realise that by airing this problem, he is removing the secrecy element. It is secrecy that is so pernicious to relationships - and adds fuel to extra-marital friendships.

It's natural and understandable to feel a bit unsettled by his revelation, but keep talking about it in a calm, understanding way - even seeing the humour in the situation together.

You've also done absolutely the right thing in treating this as a wake-up call for the rut you may have got into as a couple. Your H is truly wise - he may have also sensed that rut and yet he has resisted the lure of something new, interesting and also what sounds like a cast-iron opportunity and told you about it, so that you can both make changes.

If you do pop into his workplace, don't view this woman with suspicion. Be charming and friendly to her - and yet show her that you and your H are a team that cannot be broken.

It would also help you at the moment to perhaps feel a bit sorry for her - having a crush on someone can actually be quite painful and she might be worrying herself that it is a bit obvious - there is another thread on here about just such a thing actually. It's wise to be wary of her, but don't necessarily view her as a "minx" - feel gladdened that your H's qualities are appreciated by others and given how honest he's been, don't treat her as a threat.

Seagullsrule, you've handled it so coolly. However I think personally I would be a bit angry - although whether that's the 'right' response or not really depends upon the particular dynamic of one's relationship I think. It's just that with my DH I know for a fact he fancies he other people.I have as well over the course of our relationship. But I like to think that because we don't want to hurt each others feelings we don't make our crushes the other's 'problem' to respond to, if you see what I mean. We've talked about it and agreed that we handle any such things ourselves. By bringing crushes to the other's attention they're give them a significance they don't necessarily deserve at all. I would have thought that most people feel attracted to others who are not their partners at some point but what counts is how one chooses to negotiate those feelings. Your DH sounds decent but if you feel a bit hurt or sad I wouldn't try and hide it from him, and a bit of anger isn't always a bad thing either for a relationship, I reckon.

Just wanted to say a BIG THANKS for all your replies. DH is a lovely man and we've even had a bit of a joke about it yesterday - so feeling much better. I said that I wouldnt question him every day about it (didnt want to seem like a naggy wife) - but obviosly I want to know if there have been any further things happen I am getting excited about thinking of ways out of our rut (quite hard though - any suggestions..?!?!?).

When will I feel normal - thanks for your detailed response too - if it comes up again I will definitely mention to him that its nice she is seeing his good qualities as I think it would be a nice boost for him to realise that (as well as see that I appreciate him too).

Love Mumsnet.

seagull...is your husband also trying equally hard to bump you both out of this "rut" ??

this is not all down to you

Thanks AnyF - I think for him he doesnt feel/realise what a rut we are in. Plus he works 6 days a week (and the rest) as well as being an all round pretty great Dad so I'm pretty happy to take the lead in carving out from the rut. I see your point but dont want to add to his load any more. Thanks for your input though.

I just feel a little uncomfortable with this, tbh

Very sensibly, your DH has admitted to a "temptation"

Right, OK

But now you seem to think it is solely your responsibility to make changes in your marriage and you don't want to "bother" him by expecting a little something in return?

Even though it was him that could potentially (and may still...let's not forget this) cause some damage to your relationship ???

There is something awry here...and I think you might need to have a little think about the balance of power between the two of you

just a thought...you soud lovely, he sounds like he is being honest...but an honest man would also admit to a rut situation and want to make an equal contribution to pulling you out of the marital doldrums

unless he enjoys keeping you your toes ?

I would just say... don't be too nice about it. It's good that everything's working at the moment but I would be a bit concerned that he may be 'testing' you by mentioning this crush/whatever. Then if you react in a 'nice' way he may subconsciously think 'oh maybe she doesn't mind too much' and may feel like he has 'permission' to go further. I may be way off the mark here, obviously bawling him out is a bad idea bc then he won't tell you things in future. I dunno.

on your toes

Hmmmm... first he says that this woman 'created an awkward situation'... then he lays on you the fact that actually he fancies her and now you are running around being all supportive and stuff.

I admire your self control, but please don't be too nice!!

Try introducing her name into your love making,it might help lighten his load.

Is it just me, or would anyone else feel tempted to input a few search terms into the google bar for him to find? I would suggest 'chubby', 'rotund', 'slightly overweight', and perhaps even 'knobrot' and 'how to be a weekend father from a bedsit'.

I think it's brilliant that he came and spoke to you about this. If only my H had been as honest we may not be in the mess we are now.

I agree with AF that it isn't entirely your responsibility to pull you out of the rut, though. Have you discussed it with him?

You need to tread carefully now, as Brahms said above (LOVE the name, btw, Brahms - Hancock reference?) so he doesn't think that your being understanding equals some sort of approval for him to flirt/pursue things with this other woman.

Good luck and keep posting - MN may not save every marriage but it saves a lot of people's sanity!!

Any F - its interesting you speak about the balance of power as before this emerged I was beginning to realise (and actually speak up) about it in our relationship. He is older than me and our relationship started in unusual circustances where the balance of power was most obviously in his favour. I also tend to mitigate everything I say with things like "well it's just my opinion but.." "I'm fairly sure.." whereas he is the total opposite - he certain of "facts" (even when found to be later wrong!! - hehe!). I think that because I'm younger and have stupidly not stood up for myself and asserted my ideas more convincing I am responsible for letting this happen (at least a joint responsibility).
ANyway - having a bit of a low day about it today - not sure why though. (Perhaps obsessively goggling potential OW at work not a good idea..?!?!?!?)

googling or however its spelt!!

Seagulls - I hope you didn't interpret my earlier post to mean that now this is out in the open, it should be a closed subject. Not at all - you should keep talking about it and if you are feeling low about it today, you should tell your H.

There are lots of questions to ask: How will he be dealing with his feelings towards her? How will he represent your relationship to her when he talks to her? How will be convince her that he is not interested in an affair? What measures will he take to ensure he isn't in any vulnerable situations with her, such as work functions, or intense projects?

It's good that you have been looking at the power dynamic in your relationship, but like others have said, you have equal responsibility for this relationship. He has as much invested as you in ensuring you revitalise your marriage and affair-proof it for the future. He should therefore be making equal effort. I also think that having had a very mature reaction to his disclosure, he should be going out of his way to reassure you that it is you he wants.

Oh and please don't worry about her looking gorgeous on Facebook - I'll bet she doesn't look like that in RL.

Can we also have it said that he has handled this situation well too? After all, fancying other people is only human, and to come out with it and want to discuss it with you, and not to want to keep anything from you, shows that he respects you. Time after time we hear "it's not the affair so much as the deceit" - so a man who is being up-front about this from the start is surely to be praised?...

does anyone look in RL like they do on FB ?

I dunno, I don't do FB

seagull, I really hope none of the comments on this thread (mainly mine...) have made you feel worse

please know they were given with good intentions...

UnquietDad - err , I'm not saying OP's DP is not fundamentally decent and ok but is his behaviour here really that great? I think if I'd come clean to my DH the last time I fancied the pants off a work colleague he'd think I was being a bit mean - yes we all fancy others so why burden our other halves? Surely it's our 'problem' to deal with - I know my DH is great and I'm lucky to have him so why trouble him with my occasionally wayward hormonal cravings? I'm not going to act on them so why make it his problem? Surely you're seeking attention by doing so and if OP's husband is seeking attention, the question is why and what's fueling his behaviour?

you've totally done the right thing, well done. He has told you because he loves you and needed you to be his conscience. now is the time to replace his wandering thoughts with what he really wants - you!. if in any way possible, i suggest a) planning some fun family time (where you make a huge effort to take care of the dcs so he can just enjoy them) and b) plan a short trip, even a day trip, for the two of you alone. do something advernturous like go horseback riding or clay pigeon shooting. have a nice lunch with lots of wine etc...

UQD - I completely agree. The H here deserves enormous credit, which is why I said in my first post that he had given the OP a gift. Kitty, I can see why you think sharing crushes like this could be hurtful - and perhaps a bit self-indulgent, but so many affairs start as "crushes" or friendships that cross the line - and as soon as these become secret, they become dangerous.

In fact, if as a couple you get into the habit of being open with one another about these often harmless crushes, it is easier to identify the ones that are dangerous i.e. if all of a sudden, there is one you'd rather not share....

I just think we've got to be realistic that most people in long relationships are going to find others attractive from time to time. I can't see what good it does pretending to eachother that this doesn't happen.

Talking about it also helps our partners deal with the situation - and if they can admit that they are flattered by the attention and that they might have even encouraged it a little, it can be really helpful to have someone of the same sex as the infatuated one saying - be careful, your actions might be misinterpreted.

I also think that sometimes people are spectacularly obtuse about others' motives and often fail to see the warning signs. A more objective partner can see others' agendas much more clearly and point out that the attention given could be more than just collegiate. This raises an early warning system that otherwise might not have kicked in.

Gosh I feel completely honoured and so lucky to have had you guys commenting and helping me - thankyou.

UQD - yes he is to be praised for telling me - I am pleased (mostly!) he did. He's lost about half a stone in the last fortnight through the worry of it - so dealing with that on his own must have been hard (plus he doesnt have a Mumsnet to support him!!).

Stayinbed - yes am wracking brains trying to think of nice things to do together - as luck would have it we've both got a couple of days off together (w/o children) at the end of the month - so that should help.

AnyF - havent been offended or hurt by any comments! Actually it's fascinating to see how other people see a situation (hence why i posted in the first place!) I think in most relationship situations things are not black and white so to hear different intepretations from different posters is actually very useful in making me think I'm normal when I swing between my different reactions!!!

WhenwillI.. thankyou for your helpful indepth responses - I'm truly touched.

Big thanks to everyone who has contributed (sorry if this sounds like an oscar speech or something?!?!?!) but having this thread has made a huge difference to my life over the last few days.