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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

having a affair

72 replies

Heartbox · 13/03/2010 01:07

I am one that is
I am in a unhappy marriage a very long story
BUT then it always is!!!
Its not easy

You are caught between doing the right thing as a person, as a mum, as a wife
BUT what about being a woman??
I have been on here for years and have namechanged
BUT its not fair
You can come on here and get called a troll or slaugherted

I am doing something that I never thought I would
But here I am doing it
No regeretts
But you have that void
maybe its "fairytale" but ............
wtf am I suppose to do
Affairs are`nt right
but then ..........
so come on bring it on
Bring me down!
There is never a winner
I am the one sat here at this timne all alone waiting.........
He is not married but I am

OP posts:

zimum · 15/03/2010 14:10

If you're almost sure he already knows, and he knows you are still in contact then perhaps it is only one more step to telling him everything. Then he can make a decision about whether or not he wants to keep trying and you might be able to find some peace. What you're doing now isn't working (it's not over but you're not together either), so why not try being completely straight with him?

FabIsDoingPrettyWell · 15/03/2010 14:47

What is the point in him changing if you have already decided you don't want to be with him?

You need to put him out of his misery and tell him he has no chance.

renata66 · 15/03/2010 17:54

I have been having an affair for a year now and have felt awful never thought it would be me. Have never actually slept with om but near enough . I have lost a stone in weight, drank too much and been in a right mess. Twice we finished it because i nearly had a breakdown and both times it started up again.
Om has now left his long time partner he always said he would for me. His relationship was already on the rocks but i always thought mine was ok.
Meeting him though has made me realise how bored i was. I have been with my dh 25 years married for 18 of them, and although he absolutely loves me I am no longer sure i feel the same about him.
But,I cannot go on in this mess. Me and om have this weekend deicided to have a 3 month break, no contact and He wants me to give my marriage every chance because he only wants me if we both know I am 100 per cent committed to my marriage ending, and for being with him, and although it is so difficult I have got to give my all to my marriage for the next 3 months and if om wants me he will still be there. It is shit but i have got to start to regain control of my life because having an affair has made me ill, so i am going to do what i think will be right for me.

FabIsDoingPrettyWell · 15/03/2010 18:49

Which is what?

ike1 · 15/03/2010 19:05

Heartbox you have obviously never experienced the excrutiating pain of being deceived by your partner. I can assure you it is absolutely horrific, it destroys all self esteem. You are a cruel and weak person.

jasper · 15/03/2010 19:09

good luck renata66

renata66 · 15/03/2010 19:15

Thanks Jasper at least i feel like i am taking control at last.
Fab, I honestly dont know which it is am so confused. Am going to try to put om to one side and look at my marriage objectively. If i was so happy why did i have an affair in first place. Thats what i have got to work out.

FabIsDoingPrettyWell · 15/03/2010 19:25

I was happy until I got an email from an ex..

It doesn't always mean there is something wrong with your marriage if you have an affair but I expect to be in a minority of one with that comment

Think about it - someone comes on to you do you think, is there something wrong with my marriage? or do you just go along with it/or not.

HappyWoman · 15/03/2010 20:48

I dont think having an affair means you have a bad marriage.
There is something missing but it does not have to mean the end.

It is like many things that make us look more closely at ourselves.

I had a friend die last year and it really changes your perspective.

I think affairs can do the same thing - i do believe that many (more so woman) see extra marital sex means there is a 'problem' whereas some see it as just that 'extra' (these are more often men).

Having your head turned by someone else i think shows you more about yourself than your marriage.
Some people will and some wont.

maryjane71 · 15/03/2010 21:24

not affairs but my H of 20 years has betrayed me emotionally over and over again. Always proclaims I am the only one who has never let him down, but doesn't respect me at all. D is 20 and at uni so don't want to pretend I'm always fine anymore

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/03/2010 21:57

Fab - you're not in a minority of one at all. I agree with you 100%. Affairs happen in happy marriages, but I do think women tend to believe there must have been something desperately wrong for them to stray - and I think lots of people rewrite history and pretend all was not well - after they've been unfaithful.

It doesn't really matter - deceiving another person is wrong. There might be all the reasons in the world for a marriage to be unhappy, but there are a myriad of other choices other than an affair.

I also agree with HW - infidelity often says more about the person engaging in it than the relationship they are in.

sparkle10 · 15/03/2010 22:08

If your marriage is unhappy and there is no chance you are going to change that then leave. throw everything you can at it first.

Finish things with the OM while you do it, have no contact and get your head straight.
If your OM really wants to be with you, he'll wait.

I did exactly this, my OM was there when it was all over, and now we're in a proper above board relationship and I couldn't be happier.

renata66 · 15/03/2010 22:39

sparkle10 dp you have children? and how long did om wait? also would you have left your dh if om wasn't there?
My dcs are growing up now 15 and 17 and if it wasn't for them and the thought of breaking up their family home am sure i would take the risk and be off with om tomorrow. Am so trying to do the right thing but am so unhappy.

sparkle10 · 15/03/2010 22:47

I have one the same age as your younger one and one a bit younger than that.

I think I had an exit affair pure and simple...I wasn't looking for anyone else but it brought things to a head for me in showing me what was missing in my life.
I think I would have left him eventually, yes...I was desperately unhappy and so far in a rut. My marriage probably would have trundled on for a bit longer if I hadn't met my OM (seems weird calling him that now!) but I'm sure I would have wanted out eventually.

Once you've had that spark with someone it's so hard to go without it and go back being in a rut.

We were apart for 4 months, we did have a bit of contact, sort of just saying hello every now and again, but nothing full on and the affair was definately over for that time.

sparkle10 · 15/03/2010 22:50

I went to counselling etc to try and work on things with my husband but for me it was definately over.
You have to do it with a clear head though, having the OM in your life when you are trying to decide what to do will cloud your judgement.

renata66 · 15/03/2010 23:09

i have had counselling six lots in fact. I so know what i want to do but om also has a job that in a couple of years would mean moving abroad so thats another complication. So far he has kept a job that involves him coming back here as much as possible, and as my dh works away as well we have spent a lot of time together.
I certainly dont see om as perfect, can see his faults and all that. I just think i got with my dh too young and i have outgrown him. It is so hard staying away from om when dh is away and om is living alone atm. I think it has just shown me the faults in my marriage and i am sure i have fallen out of love with dh.
Om is here for another 2 weeks then has took a job abroad for 2 months. The only contact we are going to have is if i def decide i will stay with dh i will tell him and he won't come back, or if he decides that my commitents are too much for him he will tell me. He says he has already made up his mind but we have had contact every day for a year.
It is such a scary decision. I know if my dcs were a few years older what i wd do. Om says he doesnt want to wreck my life wants me to be one hundred per cent sure my marriage is over before i come to him. It is so hard and i already miss him so much.

jasper · 16/03/2010 00:09

renata I think you are doing the right thing and making positive steps to sort out a very difficult situation.
I presume you once loved your dh, have kids and shared history blah blah so it is only right that you give it your best shot and 3 months seems a reasonable time frame.

Please do really give it a go with your husband for the trial period. It is good that OM is out of the country.Try not to keep him in a secret corner of your mind. Find happiness with the one you married , or if you just can't do it, you have your answer.

I may have missed the details, but does your dh know about OM?

stayinbed · 16/03/2010 00:21

the poet in you sounds happy. i hope that lasts for you. if you say no regrets i guess that means you've tried everything, including letting your guard down and listenting to your H, and he's failed you.

renata66 · 16/03/2010 07:32

No jasper dh doesn't know about om. I think he has had an idea that I have been having an affair though he doesnn't know. Part of me thinks how can i stay with him if i have these feelings for someone else, but i know i have to give it my best shot.
Also om is all so complicated, if his job involves living abroad what about me dcs, its bad enough if their parents split, let alone if i lived abroad. Wd they come with me? If not how could i leave them even if they are that bit older.
But if i stay with dh for them, in abt 4 years time when they are 19 , 20 wd i wish i had done it.
I truly have got to try with my marriage but the guilt is weighing me down.

kittyonthebeam · 16/03/2010 09:04

May I ask why many presume that the OP is in 'a lot of pain' deserving a pat on the shoulder and support while she is cheating on her partner?

If she's not happy she can leave. It's unfair to sneak around behind a partner's back, giving him God knows what and looking like you destroyed their homelife in your children's eyes when they are older. Sorry for being harsh but I think you need to wake up OP. You are toying with the feelings of your family for...NOTHING. As others said, this will not end well and you will live to regret it.

If this was a man coming on here to tell of his pathetic excuses for having an affair he would be mauled.

Talk to the women on here whose marriages have been torn apart by an affair and you'll get a glimpse of the pain you are inflicting. Don't be a coward, leave rather than deceive. Go try councelling, admit and shake your husband awake.

kittyonthebeam · 16/03/2010 09:07

PS: Listen to HappyWoman, she is very wise and she knows this field all too well from the other POV.

HW: I agree with men seeing cheating as an extra, sort of all you can get whereas women view it as a 'solution'.

NewLeaseofLife · 16/03/2010 09:22

If you are unhappy LEAVE! There are always so many exscuses as to why people cant, its too far, I dont work, the kids will be devastated. Instead what people choose to do is put the partner through the daily hell of trying to prove they are still the one for you, through never knowing if you are with the OM/W or not, you basically allow them to torture themselves daily! The kids will be very upset but not as miserable as if they watched both or their parents slowly rip each other apart. You can say that I am harsh, that I dont understand but I do. You know that deep down your marriage is probably over, you are just frightened of being alone and taking the leap. You are essentially selfish. Get over your self and get on with your life.

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