having a affair

[Heartbox]

I am one that is
I am in a unhappy marriage a very long story
BUT then it always is!!!
Its not easy

You are caught between doing the right thing as a person, as a mum, as a wife
BUT what about being a woman??
I have been on here for years and have namechanged
BUT its not fair
You can come on here and get called a troll or slaugherted

I am doing something that I never thought I would
But here I am doing it
No regeretts
But you have that void
maybe its "fairytale" but ............
wtf am I suppose to do
Affairs are`nt right
but then ..........
so come on bring it on
Bring me down!
There is never a winner
I am the one sat here at this timne all alone waiting.........
He is not married but I am

whenwillI
I have re-read your post over and over again
I know deep down you are right
And yes i know I say "but ........" and tgher is no BUTS

My H didnt catch me out I told him we are going to relate and I wanted him to find out from here at home instead of in front of the councillor I felt he needed to know how bad it had got I had been trying to "sort" this out for years <span class="line-through">-</span>---he withdrew on everything even intimacy In fact when it rock bottom last year I even said I was on the verge of playing so that my H would stand up and try to save what we had but no he sat there ,,,,,,,,,,thinking she wont
Well i did then I came home and said it was over
We have seprate rooms and I said I wanted seprate lifes
H then woke up realised what he was about to lose and "changed" and has been trying ever since
Tooo little to late
After all this time I got my H back but by then I had fallen for the O.M (who I only see every 6 weeks (he lifes in another country))
I have asked for seprate lifes ,we are going to "relate" ,I told him what I have done ,I don`t wear my wedding ring yet H is buying gifts all the time and thinks he can get me back
He looks like I have stuck a knife in him and makes me feel the bitch
Yet he negletced me for years and when I decided enough was enough he changed his mind

Lump it
Leave it
Change it

Those are the three answers to relationship issues.

Lump it - you decide you can live with it and put up with the problem as is.

Leave it - you decide you can't live with it, and you can't change it, so you walk away.

Change it - you both work together to sort the problem out.

Pick one. But don't have an affair. Either sort it out, or leave him.

Sorry but I feel sorry for your H.
He's buying you presents and making an effort but he doesn't know its too late and you are already shagging someone else!!
"He looks like I have stuck a knife in him and makes me feel the bitch"
Maybe that's because you are acting like one and you know it deep down.
Put the poor guy out of his misery and end things so he can move on too.

I just think there is no excuse for having an affair - if you want to leave a relationship that's your business but to involve someone else is just completely sordid and inexcusable.

I too have been in a terrible relationship, there are times when i could have done with comfort and companionship when i was really suffering but to have an affair would have made me a worse person so i have never gone there.

Have the courage of your convictions, if you disrespect your husband to the degree where fucking someone else is ok in your mind then do yourself and him a favour and have the guts to walk away - i can only guess you do not want to lose your safety net.

And your self pity is annoying frankly. Get a grip of yourself - you made this happen so sort it out.

"BUT what about being a woman??"

What does that mean? Can you only be a woman by having an affair. Or by being involved with a man?

Dont use self pity as an excuse
If there are children involved then there is no excuse
For a physical affair
Full stop

People fall in love (they can't help it)
But taking it beyond an emotional affair
Is what makes it unforgiveable
And proves that you are harder
And less caring than you want us to believe

BTW. As haiku go,
the OP fell very short.

I know how you both feel. Going through exactly the same thing and actually joined Mumsnet with the sole intention of getting other mums experiences.

My story is have been with H for 16+ years, first boyfriend etc. Good guy but no drive, motivation and up to recently quite controlling. Never knew who i was and as the major breadwinner in the house felt more like a man than a woman. Never ever dreamt i'd have an affair but i did even though i wasn't looking for it i met someone who tuned into completely want i was looking for.

My H found out but has offered to forgive and forget and we went to relate. He is trying hard but i am now in a position where i no longer have the strength to pick myself up and try again. Even though i've stayed here for the sake of the kids i find that i am getting increasingly depressed and figure the kids would be unsettled by a split but would be more unsettled by a stressed out and unhappy home.

I went to Estate Agents today to look for alternative accomodations as he doesn't want to move out and I now have to find a way to ensure the kids have as little impact as possible.

Anyone any ideas or experiences?

Re Affair - Still seeing this person but on the basis that he makes me happy, no commitment and no expectations. However kids are now the priority and he understands this.

And you are all right having an affair is wrong and not the answer. Up to a year ago even though i was desparately unhappy i always took the morale high ground on affairs but until you hit that low low point you cannot really judge. And there is a lot to be said to be able to look at yourself in a mirror and know you have been faithful regardless of the situation. Sometimes however its these experiences that bring clarity to a situation.

I agree with the whole advice around "accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept." I am just so worried about the kids as we both idolise them. He cant bear to be without them and neither can i. We need to find a good balance with little impact to the kids.

Has anyone got any ideas? How can i make sure my kids dont suffer. We both love them so much.

The good thing is our split is amicable....any advise?

twoboys yep sounds very familar
H was controlling would`nt speak and ignore me nointimacy
I tried for years, got so down that I decided it had to stop

Told H I was on the verge of playing away hoping he would "wake" and see the damage but he didnt so I went and did I <strong>know</strong> He didnt make me go
When I came back I told him and still do thats its over....separte rooms etc etc
He says he can forgive
He has "changed" and wants another chance
He knows I am here because of the kids

Good for you getting to the estate agents and looking into moving forward
You are right its best for the kids to be a happy home

Two Boys - might be best to start your own thread.

Do wonder why being a breadwinner makes you feel more like a man? [sceptical] What does it matter in terms of who earns the money?

Going to Relate while still continuing an affair is pointless, unless it is with an agenda of parting well. This applies to the OP in this thread too, actually.

In these situations, if you're committed to leaving (and that is more ethical by far than carrying on with both relationships secretly) then part of living with those choices is to develop a good co-parenting arrangement so that the person not living with the children isn't further penalised by losing their children as well as their spouse. And that the DCs don't lose the relationship with their Father.

If the kids can see that you and your H are o.k with it all they will probarly accept it alot easier
I know its difficult
The kids come first and you dont want to cause upset Dont let your H use the affair as the excuse for it to the kids
Sounds like alot had happened before you got to that

Heartbox - what is it you want people to say?

You sound very childish and princessy. Your husband didn't step up so you shagged someone else. Think about it.

I think you should be on your own and leave your husband to be free to meet someone who will love him and treat him with respect.

You sound so sad and desperate.

You say you lead separate lives and he is in the spare room (is that right?), so are you already separated? In which case "affair" maybe not quite the right term. Is there a reason you can't live separately?

Is there a reason you won't leave your husband? It doesn't sound like you want to be with him. It sounds like it's over. Don't you think you all deserve better?

Your op says "no regrets" but I don't think that's true. You wouldn't be posting if you had no regrets. Is there anything left between you and your dh? If there is then you need to stop the affair and work on your marriage, if there isn't then it's time to end it for good.

Either way you need to decide if you're staying or going. It's much easier to make things clearcut.

H won`t accept it
So I am still sneaking about

Both of going to relate to try and make sense

Yeah, I have no sympathy for you. You're making excuses and blaming your H for your shitty behaviour. You have painted yourself as the victim in this fairy tale, to be rescued by the handsome prince. As a pp said, grow up. Take responsibility for your own life and actions.

"whenwillifeelnormal" you are right it doesn't matter at all who is the major breadwinner. Thats the problem with writing things you can never explain things properly. The reason why i said i felt like a man was because i was working in a very demanding job, paying bills, sorting childcare out, doing housework, organising our social calendar, getting people in to do gardening, Diy AND driving things in the bedroom(when we were having sex)- he didn't want to even make a decision on dinner that evening!!!! It really affected my self estime. I know this is the reality for a lot of us women living in our modern society but i felt like everything was left on my shoulders. By the time the weekend came i was to stressed, tired, angry to enjoy the kids/life.

Like heartbox i've been living in a separate bedroom for about 5 months now but it's been really difficult where he just walks into my room without knocking and up to recently has even climbed into my bed in the early morning hours.

He's being moping around and crying and it has been so unsettling. He wants to know where i am every minute of the day (which is of course due to my infidelity) which means its very difficult living there.

I'd rather stay here to keep the house a home for the kids with both parents but whilst i'm here I think he'll never move on and will always hold hope that we'll get back together.

I hope i don't sound like i'm moaning. I'm just a woman who wants the best for me and mine.

H is doing that twoboys
he has suddenly remebered our phone number wants to hold my hand etc etc

Well, at least you have found a kindred spirit on the thread.

"I now have to find a way to ensure the kids have as little impact as possible." Oh, that is NOW a priority but ultimately, it came second to falling into bed with another bloke.

If you were that unhappy, the decent thing to do would have been to have kept your legs closed, then separated. I know which parent I would idolise in your situation & it's definitely not you.

Electrogagz, yes you are right i should have kept my legs closed than separated and i do feel awful about myself but my failings in that area does not make me a bad mum and is not a reason for my kids to love me any less.

I love my kids immensely and hence why i have stayed in a loveless marriage for so long. I have not come on here to be verbally abused and judged. I'm disappointed that (not all) but some people who post here like to use it as a means to make themselves feel better about themselves rather than give objective advise/views.

Heartbox, stop me if I'm wrong, but you knew you would get flamed if you posted this on here and you did it anyway. I don't think this is about getting help, I think this is about punishing yourself. Why do you need all these people to tell you you are doing the wrong thing?

You're in an unhappy marriage. You're in separate rooms. You are separated and no longer wear your wedding ring. You have turned away from your h, but for some reason (financial?) haven't left him.

You want my advice? Stop seeing the OM for now (at least). Leave your H. Be alone for a while.

Coming on to MN for a verbal kicking (which you knew you were going to get) isn't going to solve anything. It's just going to confirm to yourself that you're a terrible person - I think that is what you want to hear. I think you want to be hurt. I think you think you deserve it (and I'm sure plenty of posters on here are happy to give it to you). But everyone's situation is different and there's no point in judging you.

Step away from MN. Look at what you can do to separate. Stop seeing/talking to OM. Sort your head out. This is not going to be good for anyone in the long run.

twoboys keep strong
what you and I are doing DOES NOT make us bad mums
I am only here cos of the kids
( I live abroad) and to move would be moving the kids away from everything they know

zimum yeah you are right
I have been on MN for years and I should have known better
But after 2 bottles of wine on friday night !!!

I know I need to step away from H and the OM and get myself together
Before I lose all sense of reality

So you're living abroad with H? You don't want to leave him because that will mean taking the DCs away from him?

Doesn't sound quite as selfish as your OP makes you out to be.

Yes you should step away from H, OM and possibly MN (at least after a couple of bottles of wine ). You're not doing yourself any favours.

You are going about this the wrong way (which I think you know), but it's not too late to change that. Either way this is going to hurt, you're going to lose something, but it's time to make that decision. You can't go on like this, and the longer it goes on the more pain it's going to cause everyone.

One way to force a decision would be to tell H everything. You've told him you cheated but does he know it's still going on?

Perhaps it's time to come clean with him about everything. Take responsibility and move forwards (either together or apart). Tell him the truth.

He has heard me on the phone ( I think)
He has asked was I still In contact .....I said yes

He sits there saying well I am going to show you that I have changed

If we were still in our home town in the U.K we would`nt have lasted this long

But I am over here no job etc etc

The kids think of here as home

H won`t move out even for a few weeks !!!

As for the OM he lives in the U.K so don`t see him that much but speak daily