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Original poster

Would it / does it bother you to be with someone for long hours?

26 replies

electra · 11/03/2010 17:06

The person I'm with works at least 50 hours a week, sometimes more. The only time I can see him is on his day off, and if I have something I can't get out of on his day off we can't see each other and because of his work he's often quite tired.

I wonder, should I be bothered by this and how much of a problem is it in a relationship - it is a relationship in the monogamous sense and not a casual thing. I can't see us ever being able to go away together or even for the day........any opinions?

OP posts:
Original poster
electra · 11/03/2010 17:06

sorry the title should read 'who works long hours'

OP posts:
MathsMadMummy · 11/03/2010 17:10

TBH it would really bother me (but I say that as a SAHM of 2). Maybe I'm needy!

Original poster
electra · 11/03/2010 17:11

I'm not needy at all but tbh wondering how we are going to get to know each other properly or really have any quality time together.

OP posts:
ninah · 11/03/2010 17:19

I wouldn't like to be with someone always either working or tired from working tbh

neenz · 11/03/2010 17:21

If he works 50 hrs a week over six days with only one day off how many hours a day does he do? Can you meet him after work, or what about meeting up at lunch?

My DH works long hours, leaves the house at 7.30, gets home 6.30pm, sometimes later, sometimes I do all the kids stuff (we have 22mo twins) from morn till night on my own. So it can be very hard-going. But then when he is there to help with the kids it is a lovely break, and obviously he earns quite a lot so we are very comfortable, and that helps iyswim. We still get at least a couple of hours together in the evenings (most days) and sometimes he works weekends but often that will be from home so he is 'around'.

Because we live together, his long hours are not really a problem relationship-wise because we still see a lot of each other, it's only a small problem because he is not really around much to help with the kids or do any housework (he does none!)

To be fair he does leave work early Wed and Thurs to pick the kids up from the CM and take them home and bath them and put them to bed, but only so I can go out to work.

50hrs a week is not that much - could he be keeping you at arm's length by only allowing you one day to see him?

IndigoSky · 11/03/2010 17:25

I agree with neenz - is he trying to keep you at arms length? 50 hours isn't enough to make him so "unavailable" to you imho. My dh works about 60 hours a week and that's fairly standard amongst our friends but we still have a life together.

Morloth · 11/03/2010 17:39

DH works very long hours. He always has and before having DS I also did. He is out the door at around 7:00am and rarely home before 8:00pm (just in time to kiss DS good night Mon-Thurs, on Fridays DS is allowed to stay up as late as he likes and they hang out). He also travels for work and can be away for a couple of weeks at a time.

This doesn't bother me at all because when he is around he is a very involved husband/father and we really value our time together.

It is worth saying though that we are both very independent types who, while we have joint friends/interests also have some friends and interests that are separate from the relationship.

Original poster
electra · 11/03/2010 17:47

I don't think he's trying to do that (although I couldn't say for sure) - he finishes work very late - often near midnight. So most evenings I can't see him because that's too late for me to wait for him. I can occasionally see him for an hour when he's between shifts during the day for lunch or something......50 hours is the minimum - he often works more than that. He phones most days or texts but it seems like it could be difficult and we don't live together.

OP posts:
neenz · 11/03/2010 18:09

Well then it depends how much you like him and how much you enjoy the time you do spend together.

Surely he gets holidays from work sometimes?

Original poster
electra · 11/03/2010 18:30

Yes he does neenz, at Christmas etc and he does get the occasional week off...I haven't been with him very long and it feels hard to get to know him properly.

OP posts:
neenz · 11/03/2010 19:22

Can you maybe continue to see him but also see other people? Then you are not cutting off your other options for just a few hours a week with this man.

Let him know you are going to see other people and that might make him rethink what his priorities are.

I agree one day a week or less is not much to get to know one another, but if you get on brilliantly then it may be worth pursuing.

Original poster
electra · 11/03/2010 19:43

He wants us to be exclusive.....

wrt rethinking his priorities, I couldn't expect him to change his job, surely?

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RumourOfAHurricane · 11/03/2010 19:48

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cat64 · 11/03/2010 19:54

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rookiemater · 11/03/2010 19:57

I would think it depends on what you think your future is with him. For example, do you have kids or do you plan to have more if so how would you feel about having to do all childcare yourself.

Maybe its too early to be thinking about things like this but if its in his nature to work long hours you won't change him and it's not worth it so you either have to accept that is the way he is or move on.

Original poster
electra · 11/03/2010 20:08

I see him on his day off so once a week for about 6 hours.

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Original poster
electra · 11/03/2010 20:10

cat64 - yeah, he's a head chef so he works day shifts and night shifts.

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cat64 · 11/03/2010 20:31

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yellowcircle · 11/03/2010 20:38

50 hours per week is not long hours and he should have enough time for you. My DH doesn't have any time for me, but he works 100+ hours every single week.

He comes in when me and DCs are asleep and leaves again when we are still asleep. Our relationship is suffering really badly. If he worked 50 hours per week, I would be very happy! There must be some other problem with your guy.

Original poster
electra · 11/03/2010 21:33

Thanks for replies - yellowcircle, did you see what I said though about him working close to midnight every night?

OP posts:
Original poster
electra · 11/03/2010 21:33

ps 100 hours, omg - poor you is all I can say

OP posts:
Original poster
electra · 12/03/2010 09:33

.

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RubyPink · 12/03/2010 12:35

My DH leaves the house most days around 7am and never gets home before 9pm, usually 10 or 11. Also he will often work at home Sunday evenings and is almost constantly checking his Blackberry at weekends etc for work emails. OK, he has a high pressure, stressful job but personally I think the hours he works are way over the top and the family is suffering because of it. Our kids are teens but they still need their Dad and I think that particularly our youngest is missing out. Of course our relationship is suffering too. DH could delegate I'm sure, but he makes work his priority over everythiing else and I am not happy with that.

Original poster
electra · 12/03/2010 14:24

Well I'm thinking RP that this will be the shape of things to come if I stay with him. Most people who work 9-5 at least have their evenings free.

OP posts:
neenz · 12/03/2010 16:53

Electra, sorry no I didn't mean to change his job necessarily but how can he expect you to see him exclusively when he is only offering you 6hrs a week?

6hrs is not such a long time, why not longer? Doesn't he get 24hrs off? Can you stay at his home on his night/day off? What hours do you work? You say you don't think he is keeping you at arm's length but it does seem a bit strange don't you think? No one works that much surely!

What about weekends? Even if he works till midnight can't you meet up after that? Obviously if you already have kids that's probably not possible, you haven't said if you do have children already.

If he wants a future with you and a family some day then yes he is going to have to change his priorities, because in order to find this wife he is going to have his family with he is going to have to devote more time to it!

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