Marriage - whats actually the point then?!

[applecharlotte]

My parents divorced when I was six.

Most of my friends parents and a couple of friends themselves are also separated/divorced (we're in our late twenties).

I'm in a lovely long term relationship with a fantastic man and marriage is talked about every now and then, though usually after a bottle or two of wine.

We have no doubts (at the moment!) that we want to be together forever but reading the heartache on these boards, seeing so many people unhappily married or going through divorces in RL, I'm starting to wonder why get married at all? The odds are certainly against you!

What do people think? Just interested in peoples views really..

?why are the odds against you if you're married? Actually the reverse is true, you are more likely to split if you're not married. Then of course there's the legal stuff, next of kin, inheritance etc.

ah.. ok I didn't realise that. The media just always bandy about the whole one in 3 marriages will end in divorce.

But two out of three don't.

That's because it's easy to gather divorce statistics, not so easy to work out who's no longer living with who and why.

When you are ready to get married you'll see why, took me ten years, one day having one of those conversations we realised that now was the time, that and i don't want to be an ancient bride!

Well, I like being married- it gives me a legal stability wrt my OH- eg I could give consent to turn off his life support machine (evil chuckle). seriously, though, there are legal implications in marriage that sometimes people don't realise until there is a problem.

And I am an old-fashioned romantic at heart, and like the idea of us having made an official commitment

And who counts the proportion of long term unmarried relationships that break down? I am not sure that anyone does simply because there are no records of when those begin and end!

There are also many people on here who are in happy, lon-standing marriages. I think the very nature of this site demands that there will be a high percentage of users who do have relationship breakdowns, because they know they can get good support here.

I do actually want to get married, I love the idea of being with DP forever and making a commitment to each other.

I've never had that with any other long term relationships and even though I've been with other men longer it never crossed my mind.

I think the reason I posted this question is that my rational side is questioning WHY I want to and find out other peoples experience/thoughts (nosy cow that I am!).

I got married in my early twenties purely for romantic reasons. It made us happy to make that commitment to each other and I wonder if it made us stick together through the skint and stressful years that followed - whereas if we had just been living together one of us might have been tempted away.

TBH I feel like the biggest commitment DH and I ever made was to the mortgage!

Sorry - that should read tempted to walk away.

Sayit - yes I've been a lurker on here for a while and some of the posts are heartbreaking, so maybe its squewed (sp?) my view a little.

The support they get from regular posters is truly amazing.

I suppose its all down to the individuals in the marriage; their moral code, if they have the same level of commitment to the relationship, life events etc.

I feel a bit silly posting this now! Its nice to hear other peoples experience though.

I think the relationship boards are not entirely reliable on marriage as an institution because people only usually post for help when something is going wrong or there are difficulties of some sort.

Not many people post to say I'm still happily married and love my DH today although for many people (me included) that is the case.

Message withdrawn

Hurray, an excuse to put on my Pedantic hat

Studies have been done in America and Sweden, that seem to show unmarried couples are more likely to split than married ones. It's all a bit arbitrary, though, because the researchers have to decide how long a couple need to be toghether before they count the unmarried relationship as comparable to marriage. The study wouldn't be all that useful unless they had exactly matching time-spans (one 5-year unmarried couple for every 5-year marriage & so on). They didn't have them.

The one-in-three statistic is also skewed. Subsequent marriages are more likely to break down than first marriages, but the 1/3 is an average. If you only look at first marriages, it's more like one in five. Mind you, I reckon that's because people who've already slogged away at one lousy marriage learn their lesson & get out faster next time!

You can't really tell anything from the stats

One of my friends, who's had a few unsuccessful marriages, has now been with her DP for 20 years. She thinks it's because they're not married - I'm sure that's incorrect, but what the heck? If a ring and a certificate make you nervous, don't get married. Simple

Bloss - you're right. I suppose i'm thinking 'whats the point' because of my personal experience of people I know who have been married and it not working out. Its lovely that yours is the opposite

ItsGrace - wow you know your stuff!

Your friends' experience resonates with me as my mum never remarried but has been in a great relationship for 24 years since divorcing my dad and says the same. Maybe thats why I'm questioning so much.

I probably should talk to a counsellor about this rather then asking people on here!

I come from Sweden where it is very common to co-habit rather than marry even if you do have a family. From my experience, it makes little difference: the people who were incompatible are going to split up whether they were married or co-habiting and the people who were going to stay together stay together. Dh and I married so I could get an entry visa to the UK and we have a very stable marriage, but then leaving my own country (where I was happy) and family behind and moving to a totally new place probably argues a fairly high level of commitment, so I don't suppose it's the wedding certificate that makes all the difference to us.

Don't they say that if a marriage doesn't end in divorce it ends in death...lol

from my experience it just feels like death until the divorce

Can't you tell I am having a good day????

seriously, marriage can be the confirmation of how much you both mean to each other.....or the death knell of a great relationship. I don't think you should dwell too much on what statistics say. Do what your heart/head tells you

My parents met in their early teens, their parents met in their teens etc. My husband married me when we were in our teens and now been married 6 years. Every day gets better and I fully 100% believe in marriage.

Its the best thing I have ever done. Both my husband and I believe in marriage for life and we are still as loved up as the day we met(even more so). He treats me like a princess, is a fantastic father and the a fantastic husband. There is no one I would rather spend time with.

Apple, do you want to get married?

The point of getting married is simple: it is a public and legal declaration to the outside world that you wish to be viewed as a couple.
So that if one of you dies, the other can legitimately stand up and say that he/she was next in line to inherit.

Failure to marry can lead to misunderstandings about such things as it is not for the rest of society to make assumptions about people's intimate relationships JUST because they are living under the same roof.

That's it, really.
I pass no moral or value judgements or any of that "marriage is better than cohabitation" nonsense cos I don't think that it necessarily is.

Morning.

Some really heart warming stories since I last looked - thanks.

Barefoot - since being with my current partner yes I do. It'd never crossed my mind with other realtionships and has taken me rather by surprise.

My heart is saying how lovely it would be to make a commitment to continue making each other as happy as we currently do, build a life together, declare how we feel to our nearest and dearest etc - my head is saying ARE YOU MAD? LOOK AT THE EXAMPLES AROUND YOU!

I maybe overthink feelings like these; what they mean, where they come from, why I feel like this - its in my nature to be careful and try and be prepared for possible outcomes.

I think I should enjoy what I have whilst I have it and relax a little bit!

Where I live, the law applies to married couples almost identically to those simply living together. I can only think of one difference: evidentially it's easier to establish the existence of a marriage than a 'non-status' relationship.

It seems to me that a lot of people marry just because it seems appropriate, even though the justifications (religious, societal) aren't seen as particularly compelling any more.

(also, one is bound to read of relationship problems on this board: no news is generally good news)

Thanks, Apple. And you are saying you guys aren't getting married because so many around you have failed? Excuse the questions.