Dh and I bickering rather destructively. Think it's gender differences...

[handlemecarefully]

Are there any good books which will help me understand men a little better, and how they tick?

I am sure that most of dh's and my frequent and sometimes acrimonious battles are rooted in gender differences, and me not always getting where he is coming from and vice versa - hence misunderstandings....

Perhaps If I had more insight into 'blokeish' thinking I could be more tolerant and forgiving, and not get quite so worked up.

Any recommended reading?

Personally, I realised that men don't listen to women enough. We hear you but generally don't listen. Since I've made more effort to listen, I'm not in the doghouse anywhere near as much.

Personally, I realised that men don't listen to women enough. We hear you but generally don't listen. Since I've made more effort to listen, I'm not in the doghouse anywhere near as much.

Thanks for the recent posts (since I signed off last night). Custardo - your first paragraph is exactly how it plays out. I will just have to issue him clear 'instructions' (in a pally unconfrontational way) rather than just froth at the mouth because he doesn't use his initiative, and he needs spoon feeding.

I liked the hunter and cavewoman illustrations Moomin. It does add up.

Last night dh was in a mood of rapprochement (as was I!) and we had very constructive talk. Get this - he actually said he would read some of these books too

Scummymummy - yes he did smack my bum in anger rather than playfully / sexually. I had just thrown an oven tray of food onto the front lawn in a rage (not good behaviour on my part), and he was incandescent with rage. I think he really wanted to throttle me, but settled for whacking my bottom instead because he would never "hit a woman" apparently (and bum slapping doesn't count!?!) I don't seriously think I am a candidate for domestic abuse, but I was still pretty horrified

Happydaddy,

Very honest of you. That is something that I have noticed (that men don't in general listen to their missus)

Hmm interesting,
DW and I have had many discussions about these things, neither of us has read the books.
f'instance.
She thinks the washing basket is filling up I must put a load on. I think the washing basket is full I must put a load on. Guess who put the most washing on .
She will say we must put some suncream on Munchie(dd) as she hasnt got any on, in the car as we arrive at the park, then as we lock the car, then again as we walk over to the shade for the picnic, then again as we unpack.
I say FGS! put the Bl**dy cream on the child then and stop going on about it.
We know where we go wrong but are unable to avoid the "trigger behaviours" all the time.I have to hold my hand up and take my share of the blame.
I need telling what to do in this instance as "we", to me, means "I" ,as in "We must put some cream on Munchie" said by me means I am going to do this.
When DW says "we" it seems to mean "one of us should do this, do you think we should do it now and would you like to do it" ?
It really annoys her that in order to get things done I need a list
ie
Morning. DH
please can you

1. Put washing on line and put a load of darks in
2. get some food out for Munchies tea to defrost.
3. etc.

(I am alway up earlier)

This list get actioned happily by me, I know what's happening and I really am happy working this way.

I can understand why DW is Pi**ed off though having to marshal two kids .

But I see it this way without the list

1. I didnt put the washing on as there is room in the laudry basket and we have loads of clean clothes I can do the washing tomorrow.
2. I Dont need to worry about munchies tea as I'll get it out of the freezer and defrost it just before I feed her.
3. etc.

one thing that has helped us is to B.O.C.A our way through the hotspots

1.Your Behaviour upsets me (never doing the washing)
2. It has this Outcome ( the washing basket gets full)
3. It has this Consequence (it is smelly and my nice dress is at the bottom)
4. I would like you to take this Action ( put the washing on now!)

Very simplistic I know, but there is no "he said she said" rambling argument about what I said on our second date about the waitress or any other such nonsense to muddle the issue.

We really do think differently about things (it is the other way round when it comes to tidying up the kitchen and wiping surfaces) and it does cause friction but at least we try to identify the true cause of our annoyance and head off problems before the happen.

It's a work in progress and we might not get it right before one of us shuffles off but we are agreed it's worth the effort

OMG Carlk

the list! Dh is always asking for a list! My response is "For goodness sake, you are not a child! - you can see what needs doing", but perhaps I should write the darn list and accept that this is what is required (rather than be pig headed about it)

You sound like you and your wife have really worked hard at this and that it is paying off. I like your BOCA approach

dh would deliberately ignore a list.

it wouldnt work. I would love to 'list' him.

His problem is prioritising - eg I have to get 2 kids ready to leave for school by 8.10 and would rather he helped me find the 3 year olds shoes than start putting up a curtain rail.

His argument is 'well do you not want the curtain rail up?' in slack jawed amazement that I could be so crazy as to keep my mind focussed on getting the kids ready...

yes my dp ignores a list, too

I shouldn't laugh Enid but you paint a comic picture - albeit tragi-comedy

I'm probably quite lucky then that my dh wants and has asked for a list?

(although he does smack my bottom in anger)