I 'have it all' so why do I want rid of it?

[homelesshedgehog]

I've never posted on this kind of topic before, and it feels a little odd to be rambling into the ether, but here goes........

I should feel fortunate and happy. I've been married for a few years, and we've supported each other through the good times and the bad times. We have a wonderful child, who lights up my life. We have a perfectly decent house in a place with a lovely community feel. I have a job that I worked hard for, and which was well worth the effort. I should come home at the end of the day and be glad to be here. But I'm not.

When I went back to work after maternity leave,we agreed that it would be nice for me not to work fulltime, but spend some time with LO instead. There was a consequence for our bank balance, but we're managing. Or I'm managing. DH seems to have become bossy, irritable, lazy, complaining, patronising all at the same time. I don't know why. Has he changed? Or have I changed? It sounds feeble when I write it like this, but perhaps I need to spell it out so that I can see what an idiot I am.

DH complains, because I work P/T that I get to spend time being a mummy and he misses out on being a daddy. Fair enough, but when he IS at home he won't do anything. He comes in at the end of the day and switches on the telly, or helps himself to something to eat or drink, while I bath LO, and do the bedtime routine.

He sits around while I put LO to bed and then grumbles at how late the evening meal is if bedtime turns into a battle of the wills. I make a proper homecooked meal each night, and sometimes it takes time to make, time for which I do not apologise.

He tells me off for doing things that are not appropriate with a toddler, like baking or playing with water in the kitchen without covering the floor. But I want to have fun on my days off, and we tidy up at the end of the day. The house isn't pristine, but it is hygienic.

He does nothing around the house. I doubt that he knows where the vacuum is at the moment. He complains if his shirts aren't ironed, or that we make no progress with our DIY projects etc. But he rejects every suggestion that I make, or complains about how I've done things.

I treasure our weekends as a family. But DH just gets angry if we don't have things planned out with military precision. We'll decide to do something, and then he'll announce that I've taken so long to get me and LO ready that he's off out to the pub / gym / mates house. This has been going on for months and I've tried to reason with him, but this weekend I just let it happen. He went off out to the gym while I was packing up a change bag for LO, who started to cry when daddy said it was too late. So we went out. We had a lovely time, and came home for lunch, armed with lots of photographs of LO beaming away for the camera. I wish now that we had stayed out for the whole day. But it made me think about how this could be our life. Except I made these promises about 'for better for worse'. And DH is a daddy too. Its not just me. And is this anything to complain about really. Maybe its just called marriage.

Sorry ladies. A long moan, but writing it down has maybe been useful. Am I being intolerant? Maybe he's sitting somewhere now writing about me as the wife who only works half the week but still doesn't have dinner ready, who sits in her dressing gown on a Saturday morning, and who resents being the primary carer for her child. Its possible.

He sounds like a selfish prat of a man to be perfectly honest.
Why can't he bath his DD and get her into bed while you cook? or cook while you see to DD? That's what caring and decent husbands / fathers do.

My DH is out for 12 hours a day x 5, yet if he's home before me he will have my meal ready when I get home from my job, which is only 15 hours a week.

You defintely don't "have it all", not with a selfish husband like that.

Maybe do the sympathetic wife bit and see what you could get out of him? He's clearly cross about something. What does he want? It seems that what's making you unhappy is him, or rather, his behaviour. You sound like you are standing up for yourself ok, which is brilliant, but you don't want to be unhappy with him. Maybe if he talks to you you could find out why he's so miserable?

I think you said it yourself, about maybe he is sitting around saying various stuff about you. Trouble is, at the moment you are guessing what he is thinking and you need to actually find out.

From what you've said, I think he sounds really horrible. He also sounds really resentful. There have been other threads about men who agree to go out at the weekend and then huff and puff and storm off. I'm afraid I can't remember what that was a sign of. sorry!

Relate comes whacking me on the forehead for this one. I do hope you can manage to talk to him soon and sort things out together. I don't blame you for imagining a better life without him though.

Did DH used to be nice? Does he ever do anything with your dd? Does he ever have sole charge and so know how hard you work with her?

Good luck hedgehog.

This is emotional abuse. He sounds horrid. You deserve better. Get out.

It doesn't sound like you have it all at all.

It does rather sound like he is resentful of you being at home though. It also doesn't sound like he has much idea of how to parent a toddler. You need to talk about this stuff. Also he probably needs to spend some time looking after DD on his own to get an idea of how things really work.

He's decided that he wants a 'wife' to service him. And that because he works a few more hours than you, that he's the important one in the house and therefore his needs should take priority and he shouldn't have to do any housework or childcare. You need to point out to him that this isn't the case, that both of you work (you work outside and inside the home) and both of you are entitled to free time.
You could point out to him that men who do their fair share of domestic work have more and better sex than selfish lazyarses if you think that might help.

Men spending time alone with children under the age of 21 just doesn't work. This is my opinion and a huge generalisation, obviously . But they don't get it

Your option is to talk to him. Have you this left in your relationship? It sounds an odd question, I know, but resentment can build up to the point where you can no longer talk. This is quite a common occurence, so don't be alarmed if the thought brings you out in a rash. If you can talk to him, then that is great, but I get the feeling that is not the case?

Yes, talk to him and offer to reverse roles so you go out to work and do nothing else while he single handedly parents your child, does all household chores and works part time while being disrespected and taken for granted. See what he says to that.

I don't actually think that would help KatieScarlett. Not put like that. It might be our first thoughts, but would just serve to inflame. If you attack someone, they often attack back. It never really helps.

It worked for me when DH started to develop a god complex when I worked part time. He realised he was being a twat and modified his behaviour.

He sounds like a bit of a prick, TBH, but you sound as if you want to give your marriage a go, so ask him if he would consider counselling. If he doesn't, you can still go to Relate for counselling on your tod (not sure how that works, but perhaps it gives you some time and space to vent and reflect on things). However whether or not you go in for formal counselling, you definitely need to sit down and hammer out what exactly you expect from each other in terms of support (both emotional & logistical). If you don't work things out now, they will not change by themselves, but are more likely to be come entrenched behaviours in your marriage, with all the bad feeling that that will engender.

Relationships do change once you have children, most fathers realise that they have been shunted down a position in the pecking order, and it sounds like your DH may be struggling to come to terms with that. Also, it sounds like he is making the assumption that because you are not earning as much (as before / as him) that you have to work extra shifts at home.

I find the whole argument that you have been doing "not appropriate" messy play with your toddler a bit bizarre - if anything it sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing with a little child. Sod the housework.

If talking doesn't work, perhaps you need to work-to-rule for a bit, so he appreciates how much you actually do. Scrap the home-cooked meals and go for egg & oven chips or microwave dinners. Or eat with your LO in the day, and let your OH fend for himself for a few evenings. Let the ironing pile up. Tell him you're off out for a few hours one evening, leave him the pile of ironing. It is not 1950 anymore.

FWIW, I'm a SAHM, but still my OH comes in after a 10hr day and baths the DC and reads the bedtime stories/clears up the toys/cleans the kitchen. He has always said that he could never do what I have done (i.e. put my career on hold and embrace cut-and-paste and rhyme-time), and spends the weekends with the family. It's not an unreasonable expectation and I am sure many other MNers would agree.

I agree that you definitely don't have it all.

Lots of insight and good advice being given.

He wants to be at home like you are. He is tired and fed up and taking it out on you. Worried about money. He might even be depressed.

He may of course just be a selfish git but it seems unlikely since he wasn't before.

He sounds like a complete arse

My first thought is why isn't he doing the bathtime/bedtime story while you cook dinner ?
And why are you allowing him to behave like this ? don't side step around him & ask, not beg, him to talk to you.

I would say you've been thinking about his comments about things not being fair & say from x night, he'll do the bath etc, you do dinner & during the week you'll BOTH plan the weekends activities. See what he says to that.
Good luck.
The toddler activities sound great btw.

MotherTed, you are wrongity wrong wrong wrong. And pretty damn insulting, to boot.

Hedgehog, I agree with the others, your husband is being a selfish twat. Why the hell isn't he helping to cook? Why the hell is he leaving you to do everything even on the weekends when he's home? Why do you have to get yourself and your LO ready every time you want to go out, can he not pack a nappy bag or hoist a buggy into the boot?

Fucking hell, and you work PT as well. This has to change, it's just not on. Have you ever gone out on the weekend for a few hours with friends and left them to play together?

Jesus Christ. I work fulltime, I support my family, and I do half the housework and half the cooking and half the childcare when I'm home. And oddly enough, none of my limbs have fallen off from the trauma.

We smell an H who had a poor example from his own childhood. May take quite some doing to identify and then unravel the conditioning. There's probably a good man in there somewhere, under the baggage, quite possibly having a stressy time at work and imagining you having an easy one at home. Ha ha ha. All this "can't wait" fecking off to the gym is an excuse. He doesn't want to spend a day doing toddlerish things. It's too demanding and would upset his preconceptions.

Agree with others btw, you're doing great things with your LO. I too can't think of anything more appropriate to do with a toddler than exactly what you're doing - the very best play centres provide exactly that. If his dear father can't stand there being a smear of flour on the floor when he gets home, well he didn't ought to have had a child did he? Children and show homes don't go together. Families who manage it either have an army of household staff, or chain the toddler in the basement. Now there's an idea...

To me it sounds like he is jealous of the time you have to spend with LO and is sort of punishing you for that.
My DP flips out sometimes if we are going somewhere and it takes longer than he expects to get ready. But he apologizes soon afterwards and helps me out to get ready if needed.

It seems like your DH has forgotten that you both agreed you will stop working full-time.
He treats you as if you are less worthy because you bring less money home (bossy, lazy and patronizing) which is rubbish because in fact you work p/t, and look after LO f/t. Of course he bastard doesn't see it.

I see jealousy when you say he tells you off for playing with LO in the kitchen etc. It looks like he thinks it's not fair that you get to stay at home and enjoy the play while 'poor him' works hard full-time.

If I was you, I would find a reason to leave the house for a day during the weekend so he can look after LO - he would have the opportunity to see it's not all just play, he'd see how long it takes to get ready to go somewhere. Don't make it sound as if you are punishing him ('I've had enough, today YOU look after LO, I'm off') but instead tell him you really need to go somewhere and would he mind having some fun with LO in the meantime. Make sure you stay out as long as you can . He needs to get an idea how much work you are actually doing.

I did this with my DP (I genuinely had to go and work on something all day on weekends) and it helped.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell... good argument, well made

I'm not wrong. Or even wrong, wrong wrongity wrong. I will assume from your insightful post that you have a bloke who is good with young kids. I have several friends with blokes that are wonderful with young kids. I also have several that have blokes that are rubbish with young kids, mine included. My post used the phrases "my opinion" and "huge generalisation". I was hoping my use of the age 21 would make it obvious my tongue was ever so slightly in my cheek.

Never mind.

I'm assuming the OPs husband doesn't "get" young kids, by the way, after reading the OP.

MotherTed, could I ask you to consider reading Elizabeth Bennet's response to Mr Darcy, when he said he was no good at conversation? I can't write out the whole dialogue from memory, but the gist was that she wished she could play the piano better, but wasn't prepared to do the practice, so therefore couldn't, and the same was true of Mr Darcy and conversation - the more he practised, the easier he would find it.

Being good with young children is a skill that can be learned, just like anything else IMO. TBH learning to enjoy it is another trick, but putting the hours in also helps. Since the OP's husband works full time, this is a bit of a challenge; it is very hard to slow yourself down to toddler pace when you have been working at full tilt all week.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but would agree that sitting down and talking would be the first step.

Good analogy Choosy. But it does take desire to practice.

Wow! A lot of replies for what I thought would bring a virtual slap across the face and instructions to get real. A LOT of useful suggestions too.

I do fight the urge to call him some of the things that you ladies have, and occasionally the inner child erupts and I start making gestures behind his back. Not the best way of dealing with marriage, I know, so we need to talk this through.

I don't know what kind of model his mother was, but I think that in the early years of marriage I enjoyed having a husband to 'look after' and a home to run. My own mum was a SAHM, so there may be family background on my side . I loved having our own place, long lazy lunches at the weekend, home made food, all the rest of it. A rod for my own back perhaps, because having a child has changed something here, for both of us.

I don't think I had really thought that he might resent the time that I spend with LO. I get the impression that he thinks I'm skiving, but maybe he just wishes he could do the same. Money is tight but not so tight that he needs to be stressed about it, but if he sees what i do during the week and wishes it was him, I can see why that would make him act like he does.

We don't talk about this, and we should, so maybe now is the time. Perhaps I can do something that takes in all of what you say. I should just ask him to cook while I do the bath and bed routine, or suggest that he takes LO upstairs while I start on dinner. I've also been on the web and tried to find some nice local child friendly activities for the weekend, and maybe we can come to some arrangement where he goes out and does some one-to-one for half a day. I do think the jealousy explanation might be plausible. DH used to moan about having to go to work while I was on maternity leave and having fun, and to him it must look as if I do have it all now, with the job and the chance to stay at home as well. I don't think he is a selfish git born and bred. I may have allowed him to become one, or failed to see why he might think the way he does, but we should make a good shot at fixing it while we can. Two resentful adults in the house, plus a toddler (not yet chained in the basement but thank you for the suggestion) is not a good combination!

I've read a few similar threads on here as well, which is comforting, not because I'd want any of you to be unhappy, but because these are obviously situations that arise in a lot of normal households.

Thank you for the comments

Yes it does, without a doubt. So I hope that if the OP says that she feels things have changed, that she's not happy and that she wishes her dh spent more time with the child, or with her and the child, that this will help to motivate him.

Where I do agree with you is that I think it's unfortunately possible for a man to be a clueless parent for a while, and then to flip over and be a brilliant dad a bit later on, and that his early cluelessness does not obviate his later brilliance, annyoing though it is. Many women are the same but still, now, may not have the choice to leave it so long before getting the hang of it. I think it took me about 2 months to really click in, whereas I personally would say it took my dh 2 years (when ds was talking).

According to Relate, the three alternatives when dealing with relationship issues are:

1. Lump it
2. Change it
3. Leave it

So you can either put up with things the way they are (lump it) - leave him (leave it) ir, usually the most prefered option - change it.

In order to change this situation, you both need to accept that it exists.

I must agree with the person who said he sounded like he might be depressed - that was my first thought too, especially if he had previously been a loving husband.

As you have gone back to work PT (and yes I know you both agreed to) he might be feeling the responsibility of being the main wage earner. Previously you were both equally resposible for yourselves as a couple. Now suddenly he is responsible for a wife and child. I know you work PT also but that miught not figure so much in his psyche. It's the old cave man syndrome.

To change his behaviour you first have to understand it, and where it has come from.

He probably does feel left out a bit as you get to do all the 'fun stuff' but, as you say, when he is there he doesn't want to know. Maybe he is worried that he won't know how to play with your LO. I also post on a forum for divorced dads and many of them fight tooth and nail to get access to their small children - then don't know what to do with them once they've got them.

Invite him into your world. Show him how to play with his child (son/daughter?).

Try to do things together an forstall the "going off in a huff" thing if you aren't ready "on time" by being ready on time. Have the change bag pre-packed so all you have to do is literally throw on shoes and coats and you're off. I have a toddler also so I'm not talking out of my bum on that one. I always carry around a few nappies and a travel pack of wipes in my handbag so all I need to do is grab her juice cup and pick up my handbag and off we go.

If he had always been an arse then I would not be so forgiving, but if he was previously a good husband then there is much more promise.

Ask him specifically to do things and see what he does. Ask him to bathe LO once in a while - if you have always done it, he will always let you do it.