partner left and so alone

[boobless]

hi everyone,
please can you help me through my journey into the unknown.

i found out on xmas eve that my partner of 10 years was having and emotional affair and after a major arguement i told him to get out, he went to stay at his brothers, i contacted this other woman via her number on his phone and told her to back off, she said you are not married so its up to us, we love each other -she then stopped contact with him, he called me new year and asked to come back and start again which i accepted, we were fine for a week then he became distant again and said he wanted to find his own place and be the old him he used to be, of course i discovered that the OW was a co worker and once they made contact again that was it, he gave me the cares massivvely speech but we had drifted to far apart and he no longer loved me, that night she confimed they were together and very much in love and he tells her all the time, he later confimed that, i threw him out there and then - he moved back to his brothers, he sees this woman every night but returns to his brothers but stays at her house all weekend, he said he does not want to move in with her he just wants his own place - in the first 2 weeks he had gone we met to go and close down our joint bank account and set up his payments to me for half the mortgage.
he always asks his brother and family if they have seen or spoken to me, and he calls me every couple of days, just to check i am ok and has been round to our house to fix a few things
now 5 weeks since he has gone he has been searching for the new flat and seems to have found one and i am devasted that he has done this i was hoping to hear him say he wants to come home - i had a barrage of calls from hime on friday and we ended up in the local pub but he was so drun and gave me all the i do love you and i will come home etc etc, and yesterday rang and said he was so sorry he didnt love me and was not coming back and said please can we stay friends, i said no and put the phone down, he rang back half hour later and was crying saying we are best friends please dont cut him off, he cant bear not to speak to me everyday, he checks my facebook everyday just to see my picture and thinks of me everyday when he wakes etc etc ? and he couldnt bear it if i wasnt part of his life ??? there has never been any reference to anything sexual since he has been gone, so i dont think its just booty calls - says i am his mucker, best friend

anyone tell me what is going on here

Put simply, he sounds like a dick

You wouldn't keep a best friend who treated you like shit and betrayed you, he's not your friend

he's keeping you hanging on isnt he?? thats because he feels he may get dumped/or discover the grass isnt greener/get bored and want to come back.

up to you if you accept this,personally i'd finish things entirely

cant you fix your own stuff? block him from fb.....move on....maybe meet new people?

Honestly? New woman won't let him move in (or he'd be there like a shot) and he's not sure she's going to let him so you are now his life boat.

Get rid.

thanks bumpety

i do understand your reasoning, what i am trying to get the answer to is why is he still wanting to stay connected. i have never since the day i threw him out instigated any contact.
now he has this new flat, he wants me to look it over for him, has described it exactly, given me the address, told me he is scared, cries all the time down the phone - i have said you have a new woman in your life get her to do these things ? i am sure she will be spending time there.

is he trying to keep me as a safety net etc, just in case it all goes tits up with her

you sound like a mother figure to him

He was with you for 10 years and he really really likes you and he feels responsible and guilty and lost and scared. And he doesn't want to be the bad guy.

BUT

he doesn't love you 'like that' any more and it is over.

He can't have it both ways - he is not your best friend, he is your ex partner. He is going to have to suck it up and take responsibility for making you unhappy. If he was your friend he wouldn't be doing all this emotional blackmail. Don't reward him with your attention - he doesn't deserve it right now.

You did a great job being clear and firm with him. Keep it up, turn to your real friends for support, and do some good healthy grieving for the relationship.

omg threebb

he has has bad mother issues since his mum died, he cut contact with her well before i came on the scene and has never been able to deal with his guilt over it......

sorry i cant keep up with replies, what wondeerful people you are geting back to me so quickly and i am taking on board every reply
thank you

My opinion is that these men keep you as a back up until something is firmly established with the ow. Dont be surprised if he wants to come scurrying back should ow give him the boot.

He will want to stay connected as a safety net, and also to ease his own guilt, ie, he didnt just leave you, also he gets to have you ease him into his new life so hes not loneley.

He sounds like a shit to be honest, and i know its hard, ive had a similar experience , but i really would advise no contact. By speaking to him , spending time with you are prolonging the agony. Google no contact and excercise it, youll feel better very quickly if you dont see him.

Hes no freind of yours whatsoever, any contact he has with you is pureley for his own benefit.Bollocks to love you, if he loved you hed be there wouldnt he.

Block your facebook, dont take his calls, dont play his game. This could potentially go on for a long time if you let it. He wants ow, let her have him, he cant have it both ways.

Presumably ow doesnt know he calls you all the time, i think hes treating you both like crap.

Get glammed up, start going out, get in touch with freinds and leave this tosser to his tart.Oh, and get some legal advice too re your mortgage.

hi dignified

i have no idea if ow knows he is still in contact with me, i know she did at the start because when he came to get his clothes and stuff, she waited in the next road for him and when we went to the bank she waited in the pub opposite.
i asked him friday if he was in love with her and he said yes in his funny way ????
she is a social worker and when he 1st left all he would say is she listens to me etc etc

his brother has said to him that he looks dead on his feet because of the long train journey to her house every night and all he said was he goes because he dont like to say no to her because she gets upset, she does have a busy social life of her own but as far as i can tell he has never been added into the circle ?

the advice above is excellent.

You have to do what she did - cut him off. She's not going to let herself be messed around so she gave him an ultimatum. It worked. She is also not going to let him move in until she is convinced that he is over you and you are off the scene for good.

You need to go off radar. Don't answer your phone, get glanmed up, go out. Tell him you need to move on with your life and if he cares for you he will let you. There is a risk that this will bring him running back to you - he won't like the thought of you meeting someone else. He won't be prepared for that.

if he does come running back you need to be firm and say he has made his choice and must stick with it.Otherwise he will keep bouncing between you and the OW and you will become the OW in a way.

Of course, if I were you I would do this and play games and make sure to fuck them up good and proper but then I am evil and I believe in revenge care and nothing for the high moral ground, but I'm sure you're not like that.

I know it doesn't seem like it now but you will get over it in time but al this to-ing and fro-ing and being there for him and being his best mate etc won't help you. you have to look after yourself now - he is too busy fretting about himslef to think of your feelings in all this.

that part about your revenge is so funny, i wouldnt have a clue where to start lol

i think you are right though is is busy fretting about himself.

I would not get into discussions about him with his family, and it might be wise to ask your family to keep some distance / not comment too.

He has moved on , but is stopping you from doing the same.People do not stay freinds in these situations, he sounds a bit controlling to be honest.

Sadly you are dealing with a proven liar and a cheat. No doubt he is lying to the ow too as she would bin him if she knew he was ringing you up all the time.

He doesnt go to her house because he doesnt want to say No cos she,ll get upset ? He goes because he wants a shag. Note hes implying she,ll get upset at missing out on his fantastic company !
She wont even let him stay the night ffs !

Its possible that this is nothing more than a fling, and he might well know it, hence his insistance at keeping contact with you.

Does ow drive? Its telling that hes doing all the travelling , that he hasnt met her freinds ect, hes probably just a bit of a shag.

Honestly, he sounds like a total twat. Tell him to fuck off and chase his ow, who incidently doesnt sound exactly smitten with him.

Have a look on baggagereclaim, a good website for these sort of situations with a good insight of whats going on with these idiots.

Dont let him ring you whinging hes scared ect, just dont answer, full stop.

Seriously op, start going out, buy some new clothes, get your hair done, start doing all the things you wanted to do but never did.
Make a list of all the shit things hes said or done and keep reading it.
Hes got a nerve whinging to you .

If you really cant block contact just yet, at least play him a little. Id be saying that actually its for the best, weve been unhappy for years havent we, and i can understand your affair ect, ive been tempted myself on occasion, but hey ho.

Watch him backtrack.
Seriously though, just cut contact, your not his mammy and hell have to sit in his own shit. Bit of a nerve that he still expects you to emotionally cater to him, ie hes scared. While hes looking to you to reassure him and meet his emotional needs, what reassurance is he offering you ?
Has he always been like this ?

he does stay at her house at the weekends friday night till sunday evening, but he has said to his brother that she is not a very clean person, does not cook, do housework (he does it when he there)only does washing when needs something and dont iron stuff. he insisted over and over that he wants his own front door to be on his own when he wants to be, so he regain his old self and find out who he is again...

Thats a rather critical way of talking about someone he claims hes in love with !
What business is it of his how she runs her house or if she does ironing or not , hes a guest there !
I assume he doesnt criticize her housekeeping skills openly, instead slags her off to his brother.

Dont be surprised if hes slagging you off in a similar way op.

Your well rid.

i said the same thing dignified, ex was almost obsessive about the house being clean/tidy and everything in its place.

his family and friends i have spoken to have all said that he has never said a bad word about me in their company, in fact he even told his brother that he slipped up at her house and told her that i always used a certain cleaner for wooden floors and that i used a certain cleaner and polish on leather, he said she was not impressed that he had said my name and how i kept house. lol

perhaps once he saw that, his new grass was not as green as he wanted and his new flat can be how he wants.

well, he sounds a right charmer and no mistake! But it would be fab to be a fly on the wall when he tells his new woman that her housekeeping standards are not up to yours...

I suggest you leave him and his pristine flat to it and hope that they spend many happy years together.

Sounds like you're well rid of him, he doesn't want a partner he wants a Mrs Mop!

I think you should really have some fun and let him sort out his own emotional needs.

hi all

i have had the most devasting week of my life

my ex partner started texting me and ringing me constantly, then came round two days running, still saying about being best friends etc forever and whatever happens please dont cut him off - well after major discussions he said that the relationship was nearly over with ow, he said all she wants to do is sleep and he is so bored being left until she wants to get up, and that she had said she needed some space from him and didnt need to live in each others ppockets etc - he had almost agreed to come hhome but said he was meeting her for coffee to part - then he rang me last night and ssaid he agreed with her to have some space dduring the week and that they are staying ttogether and put the phone down - well this morning i got the are you ok text and didnt answer he then phoned about 10 mins later crying that we had promised each other always to be there etc etc, he couldnt bare it not being able to talk to me, then sent a couple of texts and phoned again asking me to meet him for coffee, which like a mug i did, he is still in a bad mentally confused state, its not put on anyone can physically see it, he said he is going to move into his flat tomorrow and try to get his head sorted out, i suggested a doctor etc but he said for his own sanity he just wants space but will i visit him and can we pop out for a drink etc, again there has never been any sexual references - he rang a while ago and told me he has bought some cleaning and household stuff etc ??? then jus 15 mins ago rang to tell me he was on the train going to ow house so it will be hard to contact me but he will as soon as he can - i again told him our relationship is over now but it just not sink in and says please dont say that.

please help me out

Cut him off. It's the only thing that's going to keep your sanity.

Why do you want him?

purely because i love him

i was hoping that her saying she wanted space etc etc meant it was starting to fade but he says she loves him and he does her, but he also says he loves me

Cut. Him. Off.

How dare he? How dare he insist on contacting you every day, play with your feelings, hint he's coming back then say he's not, tell you how unhappy he is with her, discuss her full stop, tell you he wants to be 'friends', make you feel bad for cutting him off?

How dare he?

He is not your responsibility. He made his bed and he must lie in it. He's making you feel like shit when he left you and has been playing with your feelings ever since.

Cut him off. Block him on FB, change your phone number and email address. Do you have DCs? If so only contact by email (make a new one for him if necessary) to arrange contact.

You do not need a 'friend' like this - he is not your friend, he is your ex partner who cheated on you and is treating you like shit, and who doesn't want you. Cut him off.

i truly do undrstand what you are all saying but i am so worried that he will stop his share of the mortgage payments and i will be forced to sell up and the equity will leave very little

we have no children of our own but i have a daughter of 17 who lives with us. he has always been quite an emotional man and always full of love but since this has all started he seems to be getting deeper into depression etc.

does anyone believe in midlife crisis, in some articles i have read, it seems him to a t, but have also seen things that say it does not exist - i have seen a few of his work friends and they have all asked me if he has lost the plot because of the way he is behaving at work etc

update...

well after his last call to say he was on his way to ow house, he called me back a couple of hours later to tell me that he had finished it with her and was now back at his flat, he didnt say any more just that.
the next day he rang as usual and explained everything, he has had no contact with her since last week until last night at their workplace.

he has been in constant contact all the time and i have been to his flat and he has been here for dinner or just a meet up for coffee somewhere.
he says are we ok still be just friends and am i ok with that, we are getting along better now than the last 6 months of our relationship
he occasionally says he loves me and misses me, i have once asked him to come home and he sais how can he just walk back in after what he has done and what will people/family think, he has asked me to sound out what family reaction would be ???
he said they were at work last night and they agreed to be civil to each other in the workplace and that there was no ill feeling between them...what about my feelings????

he talks of future things, like holidays, days out etc etc as though we are still a couple and he was filling out some work forms and still put me as next of kin/contact, he had some trouble with his new bank account and was quite open with it, showing me paperwork etc etc,

what does this all mean, should ijust go along the road and hope.....please

Oh Boobless I'm am so sorry but honestly, your relationship is over.

If you let him back he will just pull this stunt all over again. You will be walking on eggshells waiting for him to leave, AND HE WILL.

It is over. He has kept you on the backburner because he is too utterly pathetic to be alone if the other woman dumped him (and I guarantee SHE dumped HIM, not the other way round.

Get angry. He has treated you like utter shit. Tell him it is over and you do not want him back. Cut contact completely.

I am so, so sorry and I know how much it hurts. But if you start moving on now you will start to move on. If you take him back the whole thing will start again and you are right back at square one.

Sorry, that made no sense. If you start moving on then you will make progress towards feeling better and making a new life for yourself I should have said.