The first in an occasional series of 'Am I mad or is he an arse?'

[Isityouorisitme]

I'm talking about my H (am namechanger). I won't go into any specifics of our situation etc at the moment, mainly because I have neither the time or energy to blather on about my feelings right now.

I would just be interested in some genuine opinions on some of the behaviour of my H, because I genuinely am not sure if I love or even like him any more...

The thing is, I don't know if other stuff that's going on in my head is clouding my view of him. I've reached a point where I would love to see our relationship/him as others may see it, as I don't know if I'm imagining him not being a very nice person.

Okay, here comes example number 1:

I'm going to wash 5yr old dd's special bear. She kicks off - overly dramatic crying etc, upset. I am carrying a pile of washing and trying to quickly shove it in the wash, and she follows me howling trying to get the bear. I call dh to come and remove her from the room and calm her down while I do it. (reminding him she's upset/tired etc)

He finally comes down. Can't calm her, tells her to shut up sternly which ends in him muttering "piss off" then walking away. I am left to cuddle poor dd and calm her down.

So...I am obviously about this and tell him so. He accuses me of just taking my frustration out on him as I wasn't able to deal with her myself.

Over to you.

em - "piss off" to the five year old? or to you in front of the five year old? or to you? i think there's no non-tosser option there, actually.

Sounds like one of those frustrating situations but telling a 5 yo to piss off really isn't on. You don't need us to tell you that..

he said piss off to a 5 year old

what a prize cock

Well I'm on the fence I'm afraid. The 'piss off' whoever it was directed at was uncalled for but from your DH's perspective this is a minor trauma which doesn't merit major intervention. Did special bear have something unmentionable on it? If not why not pop it in the wash when DD isn't about? Presume he was annoyed at being summoned for something avoidable. However I do feel your pain as my DH is a right grumpy old git sometimes.

He sounds like a bit of a knob... but, it depends whether it was a one off, or whether he does that sort of thing on a daily or weekly basis.
From the sound of it, he was:

Unhelpful/unsupportive of you, slow to get off his arse and help.
Unkind and and generally not that bothered about calming down your DD.
Minimizing/playing down the incident afterwards, twisting it so that you look like an idiot for even mentioning it. Not cool.

If I had been in that situation (and I have, or equivalent, many MANY times) I would have:

Calmly sat him down/gone up to him once DD was otherwise occupied and said 'the way you deal with that whole thing back there totally was not okay. (sad, unimpressed face with head shaking) I really needed you to blah, and instead you blah blah.'
Him: 'Oh, you're just mad because you couldn't cope with it! That's all...'
You: (levelly and calmly) No, that's actually not the issue. I'm not okay with you speaking to DD like that, it's never alright to say that/do that. It would have been really helpful if you could have distracted her/taken her in the other room/bribed her with a biscuit/given her a cuddle/taken over what I was doing so I could go to her etc etc. Why didn't you do that?'

I fully understand your concerns about your perceptions being wrong. However, unless you have a track record of being a bit unhinged and off the mark about practically everyone, I'd say you don't have a problem and are not mad or imagining things. It's not really normal to constantly doubt yourself or wonder if your partner is a bit of a twat. If you constantly have these niggles, well chances are you're not creating them out of thin air. He may well be a twat. After all, why would you WANT to believe he was? There's really no incentive that I can think of for a women wanting to think her partners a total arse.

I hope you manage to stop doubting your perceptions. Does he often tell you what is going on in your head, or why you are saying/doing something? i.e, tell you how you are feeling? Bit of a red flag in my opinion, but I'm perfectly willing to accept I'm being hasty. I am rather bitter now about blokes like this, having just wasted spent the last two and a half years living with one.

Yes, was directed at dd.

I would say he very very rarely just accepts when his behaviour is agressive, moody etc without making an excuse e.g. You know when I'm hungry I get like that.

Or - say he handles something badly/agressively I apparently purposely 'leave him to it' so I can be smug when he fucks up. .

ok then I have been at a school event that he didn't want to go to so he has had to baby sit our two dds and a friend (who he likes) dd too.

Get home and they of course didn't go to bed when he wanted which is apparently my fault, has no interest in the event I went too and is now monosyllabic about everything and I am selfish for even going out.

Please note i cooked dinner for him before I went out etc.

come on... give the guys a break!
why would he be interested in a school event anyway?

and if you had been to a quiz I'd like to know how you got on!

He sounds like an arse. That excuse (I know it is just an example) is ridiculous - it doesn't matter if he's hungry, there is no need to behave like a twat. If he can't control his blood sugar levels to that extent then he needs to see his GP for a diabetes test - but I suspect as you say that it's an excuse rather than a reason for his behaviour.

I don't like the sound of him making it out to be your fault that he behaves unreasonably either - sounds controlling.

Thanks for these replies.

Ok, recent example number two:

I fell out with my oldest, closest friend a few years ago. It cam about because she visited for a few days, thought that he had been unwelcoming/rude to her etc, and the fallout meant that we stopped speaking (in a nutshell).

Anyway, over recent months we have started communicating again. H knew all about this and has made it known that he never wants anything to do with her again etc. 'Fine' says I. I understand that, and respect your feelings, but please please do now continue to bad-mouth her to me. I know how strongly you feel about her, but don't think it's healthy for anyone if you go on about it.

So last weekend friend and I decided to meet for chat and lunch. After I returned (we were at my parent's) my sister asked me how it went etc. I said it was nice and good to catch up again. Dh then cuts in with nasty comments about her and 'Why can't you just move one, you've found new friends blah blah'.

This created a very nasty atmosphere in my parent's house. We were supposed to be going out that night and dh then refused to help getting the dc ready and just snapped that he would go without me if we weren't ready. I felt that that this was punishment.

What do you get out of this relationship?.

What keeps you there now?.

I would also say he is trying to be controlling again here.

He sounds controlling to me Isityou.

The situation you have described with your friend is a big red flag. Was he 'better behaved' after you fell out with your friend?

And telling a 5 year old to piss off is just nasty and very inappropriate. She may not know exactly what it means but she will pick up on the venom behind the words.

That is ringing huge alarm bells at me. What are your relationships like with your other friends and family, friends you had before you met him?

You should be able to have your friends to stay without him being rude or unwelcoming, however much he doesn't like someone XP was like this too and after about three times of something like this happening I just accepted that we couldn't have my friends/family over to stay, or go on holiday with them etc. Of course it was fine for him to invite his mates over, or on holiday, and he would be very careful never to say that it wasn't OK for me to have people there, but he would make it impossible for them to relax and as a result, nobody wanted to come. I felt like I had to socialise with my friends when he was not around, which felt awkward. My friendships all suffered - some never recovered

So far the consensus is "arse". Any more anecdotes about this jolly fellow?

A. Arse
R. aRse
S. arSe
E. arsE

You did ask. Unfortunately you need to stick up for yourself more, he won't like it but just get on with your life.
His support would be great but if you don't ge it ignore the comments, walk out the room and leave him to it.

Sounds conroling to me too

I'll second, third or ninety-seventh the ARSE... He IS controlling.

DH is a little like this, swears he's not controlling, but he doesn't fool me any more. It's insecurity.

Funny thing is, once you know what he's trying to do, it gives YOU the control. Don't rise to it, ignore the bad, reward the good.

If he doesn't buck his ideas up, make it clear you will suit yourself, and he'll end up seeing and knowing less of you.

Sorry, not been able to get on much over the weekend.

Yes, I do feel that he can be controlling..yet he has always appeared to be super laid back etc; but I know underneath the exterior lies major insecurity.

I am obviously talking about the very worst of him to you here, but he does have good points! He is loyal (and when not angry/swearing) an extremely attentive, hands-in father and spends loads of time doing stuff with the dc, doesn't mind me going away for the weekend with friends etc.

The thing is that I think he is just an angry and sightly bitter person who has to try really hard to supress hit temper a lot of the time.

He has usually made friends feel welcome, but it's like - you know when most of us are a bit pissed off? Well you just put a face on it so as not to upset people. Dh cannot seem to do this, so if people are here the mask ends up slipping and there can end up being an uncomfortable atmosphere.

Sorry for the rambling.

What terrible typos!

Isit, he is an arse!! - my DH is very similar!

We are constantly rolling out the red carpet for his folks to visit (full on 5 day to 1 week visits with lots of driving them around to see new sights and fancy meals out) - but his attitude has put my family off from visiting.

His latest thing is to complain that I don't arrange a more active social life - he's so critical of my friends and familiy that I find it very stressful if I do arrange anything as I never know how he is going to behave. Example some friends from my ante natal class arranged a picnic on a nice summer weekend. I was going to bring quite a few nibbles and drinks - he insisted that we took a few crappy sandwiches and individual cartons of ribena - "nobody eats it - it all gets wasted". Everyone else turned up with wine boxes and deli food! The other DP's were chatting about sports - running, 5-a-side football, cricket etc - just to be sociable - and my DP just ignored them and on the way home slagged everyone off.

Hi Portia. To be honest my H can be exactly the same with his own family!

Part of me feels terrible saying these things, because we do have some good times together...

It's just that lately, I feel that friends/family are starting to notice it more. Like my mum and sister will just whisper to me 'Is H okay?' My mum texted me to ask after ds the other evening and said she hadn't wanted to ring as it was late. I actually think she was apprehensive in case H answered the phone as he can be a bit short.

I'm getting the cold shoulder now. He asked me if I collected dd's presciption and I said 'no', he then asked me what exactly I've been doing all day and I responded with 'I'm not even going to answer that'.

Probably Arse, but there is definitley worse out there.

It bothers me that other people are noticing. This usually means things are worse than what you're posting - or you've become so inured to endless minor slights that you've stopped remarking on them.

You don't need any relationship advice, IMO. But your DH needs a checkup. One very obvious signpost is the low-blood-sugar temper. I know it's fairly common (I have it, too) but, if things have been getting worse, he could very well have a medical disaster waiting in the wings.

Or depression. But we never say that to men, do we

It sounds like he is being a grumpy grumpy grumpy bastard. I'm sure he has lovely qualities but he obviously can't keep his temper in check. I would be aghast at anyone telling a five year old to piss off, he will (hopefully) be very embarrassed when she remembers it forever/uses it at school.

In what way does he appear to be "super laid back"?

What's he like around the house? Does he spend time with you or just keep to himself or sit in a moody huddle?