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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it me or is DH behaving like a nobhead?

36 replies

Nobhead · 04/03/2010 15:25

I have name changed and this could be long as I want to get in as much background info as possible. My DH and I work together and have been married for 2 years we also have an 18 month old DS. Recently he has started to get quite friendly with a 19 yo girl at work who is pretty and actually a nice girl and I get on with her. He says he likes her company and gets on well with her, she laughs at his jokes and it gives his ego a boost etc etc. No problem with that.
However he has now started making inappropriate comments about her to me, which I have told him is totally out of order. He is caining the gym now to get "ripped" cos he wants to look good because he likes the attention and that I don't give him the attention he needs so he has to get his kicks elsewhere. That is utter bollocks I always tell him he how good he looks. He says I don't laugh at him like I used to and that I am a Mum now and don't seem as much fun. He says he wouldn't do anything with her but then says "she wouldn't be interested in me anyway" but I feel like he is doing his utmost to get her to fall for him. I asked him what he thought she thinks of him and he said "I reckon she thinks I'm great, I have a laugh with her I am nice to her etc". I also asked him what he would do if she made a move on him and he said I would tell her no but I would come away thinking I was the dogs bollocks that I can still pull a fit 19 yo.
We have argued constantly about this situation for the last few weeks now because of his what I deem inappropriate behavoir. I have told him I feel weird about it and it's disrespectful and how would he feel if i was doing the same thing and he said "we are different you get your kicks in different ways" WTF.
He just seems to have turned into an arrogant twat since this girl has been paying him attention. He tells me all the time that he thinks he is good looking and that he wishes he was 21 again so that he could go back knowing what he knows now and he would "clean up" with the ladies.
I just don't recognise him anymore he isn't the nice guy I married he is an arsehole at the moment and I am gradually losing respect and love for him. he won't go to marriage counselling and I have told him that if he ever does anything physically or emotionally that would breach our wedding vows that me and DS would be off like a shot. Deep down it would break his heart if I left him but i can't carry on like this. I have told him it hurts me that he feels this way and that I will try to give him more attention but he says "look it's just the situation we are in now and this is my way of dealing with it, if it makes me happy for a few hours a day whats the harm". Help me get some perspective am I overreacting or not?

OP posts:
mo3g · 04/03/2010 15:33

NOT what an idoit he sounds he needs to get a life and look at what he's got instead of trying to be someone else. How insensitive and degrading to you his wife and his ds he needs to pull his head in and realise what he has before he loses it all and for what????

applecharlotte · 04/03/2010 15:39

The only person your H should be trying to impress/attract in this way is you HIS WIFE. This is awful, hurtful behaviour. YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING.. tho i'm not sure how you can change the situation. Hopefully more people will be along soon to offer support and help.

Malificence · 04/03/2010 15:45

He's definitely a Nobhead of the highest order. Seriously.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/03/2010 15:49

This is highly unpleasant, juvenile behaviour on his part, to keep on and on about how sexy he is and how unsexy you are. The girl probably thinks he's a berk TBH.
Tell him that while he is entitled to his own thoughts and feelings and all that (you have already told him that if he breaches his vows that will be it, and fair enough) you don't want to keep hearing about it. And if he still carries on and on, can you go to a friend's or your mums or a B&B for a few days? Because, while monogamy is not my thing, it;s not the flirting that's the issue here, it's his constant putdowns of you and boosting his ego at your expense that you shouldn't have to put up with.

Original poster
Nobhead · 04/03/2010 15:58

The things is SGB I don't think she does think he's a berk, if i wasn't working there with them I reckon she would step it up a notch. I am quite attractive too, i make an effort to look good with my hair and clothes etc so it's not like i have let myself go. I could do what he is doing and get tons of attention and offers from blokes but I don't, because I love my husband, I respect him (although that is starting to slip now) and I care about his feelings.
I have thought about playing him at his own game but TBH I just think it's all a bit pathetic. It has reduced me to tears this morning.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 04/03/2010 16:09

he is pathetic.

have you told him "you are a father now"?

what does he mean by "the situation "? that he doesnt like having repsonsibilities now?

does he take care of your ds, share the care equally , make time for family time etc?

Original poster
Nobhead · 04/03/2010 16:28

No he doesn't cestlavie. He tries to make out like he does but i do ALL the housework, cooking, washing etc whilst working 30 hours a week too, 95% of the care for DS (including all the bath times and meals). I am a mug for letting him get away with it for so long TBH, seeing it written down now he is actually taking the piss out of me.
He goes to the gym for an hour after work 3 times a week and an hour on Sat and Sun mornings, he gets home from the gym at about 6pm and goes straight the shop for beers. He is entitled to go to the gym if he wants to, it's good that he does but lately i feel like he can't be arsed with his family life. He said it's getting monotonous because all he does is get up, go to work, go to the gym, come home have a beer, eat tea (which gets fucking cooked for him) and go to bed.
Erm what the fuck more does he want, this sounds like a fairly normal life to me.

OP posts:
alarkaspree · 04/03/2010 16:29

Oh he is being vile. And childish. And ewww.

It doesn't sound as if he has any respect for you. Maybe he thinks he is funny and it's all lighthearted and fine because he loves you really?

Maybe you could write down all the hurtful and inappropriate things he says to you for a week, then show him the list - maybe it will make him take a good look at his behaviour.

pollyblue · 04/03/2010 16:32

A relative was in a similar situation, in the end her rather well-built and slighty menacing looking brother had "a quiet word" with her DH, and it did do the trick. If he really isn't listening to you, is there anyone else he just might listen to?

And never mind how he feels, if my DH treated me this way he'd be sleeping in the shed. He's acting like a 14 year old.

junglist1 · 04/03/2010 16:38

He's playing mind games with you. Ignore him, even if you're screaming inside. If you act like you don't give a shit he might think he's pushed you too far and turn it in.

LisaD1 · 04/03/2010 16:42

I would kick his arse so hard he would land in next week! He is being an arsehole and I'm sorry to say you're letting him treat you like this. Personally, I would deliver a huge ultimatum, step up and act your age/like the father & husband you are or piss off and play games with young girls who may find it appealing.

Sorry but I would not have the time or patience for what your H is doing.

Hope he gets his head from up his own arse and starts behaving like a husband and father.

junglist1 · 04/03/2010 16:44

Or what LisaD1 said. It would depend on what kind of mood I was in

ChaosInCamelot · 04/03/2010 16:44

He is behaving like a complete nobhead. This behaviour is unacceptable, do not be in any doubt of that fact.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/03/2010 18:13

It often creeps up on you gradually that you have married a man who has decided you are a 'wife' not a person, ie you are there to cook, clean and raise the children but merit no respect. But once you've spotted it, you have to kick him into touch, or get ready to think about kicking him out, because he won't spontaneously decide to consider anyone else's feelings when he's so obsessed with his own.
WHat is often worth doing is a little research into what would happen if your marriage ended: how much he would have to pay in maintenance, the fact that he would probably have to leave the family home (as it is your DS' home and you are DS main carer and you have done nothing wrong). OK that might sound drastic and I am not saying go ahead and throw him out but information is power. WHen you KNOW what you are entitled to, it helps you feel stronger, paticularly if he starts threatening to leave and insinuating (as selfish men sometimes do) that he will leave you penniless or whatever.
It may well be that a good bollocking will make your H shape up. You know him best, after all. But think on this: how many times before your DS arrived have you had to point out to H that he was being selfish? Is he used to getting his own way and thinking of himself as the one around whom the household revolves? Have you had to point out his selfishness to him before, and if so, what happened?

dittany · 04/03/2010 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux · 04/03/2010 18:20

W = washing
I = ironing
F = fucking
E = etcetera

This was one of the most unfunny 'jokes' I've ever heard. Don't let him make it true.

Make a list of all the chores, divide them equally and present it to him. He cannot sit down with a beer until he's done his share.

Then take an hour every other day to go swimming or something. Turn and turn alike. He gets to go to the gym on Saturday for this long, you get to go on Sunday for the same length of time. And so on.

MrsSawdust · 04/03/2010 18:26

He is being a nobhead of the highest order.

Tell him if he finds family life so boring and monotonous, he's welcome to fuck off and leave you to it. From the sounds of it, it won't make any difference to your workload. Probably make it easier in fact.

I feel really on your behalf op. How dare he make you feel so unimportant?

I once read on here that all women deserve to be made to feel worshipped and adored by their dp's. (and vice versa of course). So true.

tortoisefairy · 04/03/2010 18:27

How about really embarrassing him with this girl if you are friends with her too?

Someone wittier than me will think of a few good stories to feed her...something like, 'oh i know he's really good looking, but once you're married the spark goes... you should see him biting his toenails/ his hairy back/ smell his eggy farts' etc.

She may start to subconsciously avoid him if you tell her something vile enough and then watch his ego deflate.

Besom · 04/03/2010 18:32

Tell her he plucks his ear and nostril hair.

BessieBoots · 04/03/2010 18:40

What a nob.
You deserve better. He is denting your self-esteem- Nobody worth being with would make you feel bad about yourself.
I know it's childish, but I would be tempted to play him at his own game... Or just go out with the girls and go on about how many fit men hit on you...

AnyFucker · 04/03/2010 19:53

I would let him to fuck off to her, tbh

honestly, set 'em up (that's if the 19yo would give him the time of day)

it's best all round

I would have zero respect for this man

CwtchyMama · 04/03/2010 19:57

Your husband is being a complete & utter twunt,i personally wouldnt play him at his own game,why should you lower yourself to his level?

I would sit down with him & tell him how you feel,tell him the household chores will now be split equally,he lives there as much as you so why should he get away with not doing chores?

Tell him you want some free time to yourself whilst he spends some quality time with his ds.

If he doesnt like it then tell him to pack a bag & fuck the fuck off.

I am livid for you op, in fact print off this thread & let him read how much a prick other women think he is.

LEMisdiscombobulated · 04/03/2010 20:13

I'm with Anyfucker on this one - you deserve better, and i NEVER say that on here, i always try and see the other side.

Original poster
Nobhead · 04/03/2010 22:15

Thanks for your replies everyone. I have had a BIG word with him tonight and told him that needs to stop doing what he is doing as I am losing respect for him. I also told him that if he carries on acting this way he will find himself alone because I am not prepared to be made to feel like this it is disrespectful and hurts me and I don't deserve it. I said I find it quite sad that he feels like this is what he needs to do to feel good. i also said that now he has got a reaction from me over all this that is classed as attention and he can stop now because he has won and got he wants so he should be pleased with himself.
I think he is bricking it now because he doesn't want me to make an "uncomfortable atmosphere" at work by me being horrible to the girl. He is very much about keeping up appearances and doesn't want anyone to think bad of him.
I am so glad I had it out with him, he needed bringing back down to earth.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/03/2010 22:29

not sure about this bloke

he seems to be on a ridiculous midlife crisis mission to me

you might have averted a potential fuck-up on this occasion

but he needs to keep his own behaviour acceptable...not rely on you to "keep him in line"

what a dick

does he want to buy a motorbike by any chance ?

wear a bandana? a leather jacket? start smoking although he gave up years ago?

wear Calvin Kleins instead of his usual M+S briefs ?

that kinda crap ?

(I might be a bit outta date on midlife crisis definitions...apologies if anyone's eyes are offended )