can someone talk to me about erectile dysfunction

[LaDietrich]

met a lovely LOVELY new man, however we ended up in bed at the weekend and turns ot poor guys has major erection problems which have been going on for last 20 years. he is only early 40s he says he took a CI pill that night but it didn't seem to work well, (although in the end with lots of oral and some hand action he did get hard enough to and came) Problem is I like penetrative sex and so far (two times) we haven't managed to get him hard enough. He is REALLY generous in bed, lots of oral, touching, stroking, kissing etc, only problem is while it turns me on a LOT it doesn't get me there iykwim...my normal no probs position in on top, grinding down hard (sorry if TMI )- is it possible to replicate this somehow without actually doing it ? (if he only has a wibbler of an erection to start with I suspect this position would totally kill it)

any other good ideas - I really like him and am a leetle bit devastated by this but game to try and see what we can make from it- his last 3 year relship ended due to it I think so he is obviously a bit unsure...

he has a cock ring which he says helps, and used it that time, he has just ordered another type to see if that will help. I guess he mst have been a bit nervous what with new woman in his bed and all, he says usually the tablets do work...

aaargh! please tell me it'll be ok...he is SUCH a sweetie ...

I think theres a lot that can be done with medical help.

If you like him and he's keen to try and please you in other ways while you work to resolve this I'd be tempted to give it a go.

I have no direct experience with ED but I have read a lot of stuff about sexual dysfunction.
When you say he has a cock ring, do you mean a sex toy type ring or a proper clinical erection maintaining ring? The latter have to be properly sized.
I've read ( on netdoctor I think)that a vibrator can help with getting an initial erection. You're right about position being important , he needs optimum blood supply to his penis to keep him hard.

Is he fit and healthy? Given his age is over 40, ginseng and gingko biloba are excellent for male sexual health.

the ring he has is like a length of tube with a thingy on to tighten it to size, think he has ordered some one you put on before it gets hard now - but don't know whether either is "clinical"

apparantly he has been like this since his early twenties - can you imagine what that must have been like [shudders for him]

is sort of ironic as I have just left loooong term relationship with man with whom I could have an orgasm every single time but who wasn't a bit affectionate or tacile or indeed very interested in sex and now have found someone who apears to be all of those things but just can't get a proper erection

shame, I like a good hard c**k

anyway, yes I do really really like him - we get on great, and he is very eager to please in bed, takes his time, gives a lot, is extremely tactile and affectionate out of bed too, just perfect, apart from this. My old partner NEVER went down on me so I am just not used to it and while it seems very nice and all it just doesn't do the trick for me. Can anyone thinks of any position that could simulate the sort of me on top with some pelvic grinding and penetration but that doesn't need a hard c**k - ie maybe someone with better knowledge of toys or positions or whatever might have an idea of something we could try - I'd like to be able to orgasm with him or i think it is going to become a deal, I've already had to tell him I really like penetration, when all his efforts in the oral dept weren't reaping rewards (well, lots of moaning and groaning style rewards but nothing, y'know, screaming style) - or maybe there is soem thing we cold try involving oral - maybe it's cos I am just not used to it? he did try oral with fingers perentration too, but I was on my back and the grinding thing that I love wasn't happening - I think we are going to need to become tantric yoga masters with elastic bodies for anything to come of this ...

How about on your knees with him giving you some finger attention, it's rather nice, DH always does it when I'm giving him oral - if you kneel over him with your bum angled up towards him he can get at you, if he rubs your clit with his thumb and uses 2/3/(4 fingers inside you to really work your g-spot/urethral sponge, it's very intense and takes some getting used to but I now prefer it to clitoral orgasms.

You could also try grinding on his tongue / face, it's not something we've ever tried but it may be worth a go?

A proper erection support ring should give him a firm erection that would allow for full penetration, the one I've seen online is called a tenring, there are also penis pumps .

not sure I understand what you mean Malifience - what way am i facing? where is he? (and wtf is a urether sponge? [just about know about G-spot])

thanks - sounds like you have some good ideas though...at vleast he seems open to talking about it - I suppose 20 odd years of dealing with it and having to introduce it to new partners will either drive you barmy or make you able to cope sensibly with an issue like this...

I have experience of this.

When I met dp, he had been single for a year and previously had not slept with his wife for ages. He had joined an online dating agency and had not been able to get it up at all with the woman he met through that. He was absolutely convinced that he would Never have sex again.

This caused him incredible anxiety, more than I realised at the time. He was so worried about it that I decided that we couldn't try until he had stopped worrying about it, and we had to both be happy with what we called lesbian sex otherwise.

He had viagra from his GP, but he only used it a few times, because, after the first couple of times, it all turned out fine. Five years on and he is still a very randy brute, making up for lost time I think.

Rather gratifyingly, he gives me the whole credit for this. He often says 'Who cured me of my erectile dysfunction?', and I have to say, 'I did'.

He had also asked his herbalist for help, and the herbalist told him to come back when he had fallen in love, but he didn't need to.

He was convinced, Convinced, he was incurable. He didn't need any drugs or paraphanalia.

Apart from being very pleased for both of us, I find this very interesting indeed.

Good Luck

that's really interesting gingersling - brilliant for you both that it worked out - sounds like he was lucky to find someone as thoughtful as you

this bloke has been like this for 20 years he says. He does wonder whether it is psychological as he gets erections in his sleep and sometimes in the morning...so sounds like there isn't a purely physical reason...but TWENTY YEARS??? god, no idea how you could go about sorting that out

funny you mention lesbian sex - initially I was quite put out about this, but then I remembered that I'd been considering trying to find a woman rather than a man (about to swear off men forever after my ex) so in essence it ain't really all that different...!

my only worry is that really he is gay, or something like that. And that that's teh nderlying psychological reason. Talk about jumping to conclusions I know! or maybe he is really into some far out erotic stuff that he needs to get it up (and here I appreciate I am probably losing my mind - there have been no other indications of anything like this and he seems VERY appreciative of my body etc etc - though maybe a little TOO much iyswim...)

My dp was very worried that he might be gay, and that worried him even more. As I said, I didn't realise how devastating it is for men. He had no problem having 3 dc, then things got bad between him and his wife who refused to have sex with him for 12 years, then he had the disastrous time with the lady he met on the internet. So he was convinced that was it, and that no woman would ever want him. He had a chat with his Dad about it (Dad aged 84) and his Dad told him that (DP's parents) were still at it into their 70s.

I think that the prospect of never ever ever having sex again exacerbated the problem and the vicious circle continued.

He will not be back until v late tonight but I'll check what his advice would be, apart from keeping fit. But dp was always very fit so, although being fit is good, that was not the problem.

When we met, he was chasing after me and I wasn't convinced that it would last and I think that may have helped the sitation because I wasn't sure I wanted a relationship and didn't have the anxiety. (I am very in love with him now btw and forever).

I'm not sure if I was clear about the lesbian sex. I meant everything except penetration, between us.

I feel so much for your nice man. He is probably worried you will think he doesn't fancy you.

I would have thought this was a very common problem if the e-mail spam on the subject is anything to go by.

It is lovely to have dp's everlasting gratitude to me but in fact I wasn't bothered and therefore I was completely relaxed. I think that if I had had a huge emotional investment in the relationship at that stage we might have ended up looking for outside help, which would have made it into a problem in both our minds.

If he is able to get an erection in his sleep then surely that means it must be pyschological? Had he had a woman mock him or reject him for that reason and that might unconsciously be affecting him?

I can't remember the plot of Dumbo but I think he had something feathers which he thougt was the only thing that could make him fly and oneday he didn't have the feathers and panicked and then his wise animal friend told him that he had never needed them at all. It's all in the mind ifywim.

I have had a very good experience with hypnotherapy (childbirth)and I know 2 people who have given up smoking with it. Would it be worth giving that a try?

thanks gingersling - would tremendously value your DP's advice on this

I don't know the guy that well, we met on dating website 6 weeks ago or so and just made it to bed last weekend which was first I heard of the problem. As he said, it's something that is a little awkward to bring up in advance. Poor thing. He does seem very keen indeed and has from day one. Not in worrying predatory sort of way, just in a nice letting me know sort of way. And indeed I am quite taken with him too. He seems lovely. I wasn't much looking for major relationship either. Just wanted to see if there was anyone nice out there for a bit of distraction really as I go throgh separation from exH.

I don't know if there was any mocking situation or the like in his sexal history, tbh I don't really want to go fishing around too much as I feel will jst make it more of issue. I will ask if and when it seems right, assuming this thing lasts a while of course.

I knew exactly what you meant about lesbian sex, don't worry. My main prob is this bloody being used to getting in there and having an orgasm every time business. Not that I did it that often with exH in the end but I did come every single time. And so that's sort of my expectation. And I find it hard to do without hard penetrative sex, but how to get over that. ....hmmm....

and how to make sure he is not actually subconsciously or otherwise gay?!

he said he has had hypnotherapy for about a year with no improvement...what else to suggest...well, nothing right now I think is your point - and I think you are right - plenty of time for that if we do stick together - will just enjoy the affection and closeness for now and try not to get TOO frustrated...at least I have my trusty rabbit at home...

I've had this problem before but we worked out it was when he had had rubbish sleep. Apparently you need some good deep REM sleep to keep it up properly.

Also, I would suggest working on trying to come through oral for now...this will build his confidence and make you feel a bit better, but I know exactly what you mean by needing a hard c*! What worked for me was closing my eyes and getting a great fantasy going....it had never worked before with oral, but now it's guaranteed every time.

The only other thing I can think of would be one of those hard penis sleeves that he slips on, I've seen them on lovehoney and that would at least guarantee you some hard action, as it were, or a strap on dildo of some sort. Sounds like he's a decent chap and hopefully it wouldn't upset him.

I also wonder if a vibrating cock ring would help keep him up, one with a multi speeed bullet, the cheapo ones are rubbish, again lovehoney does one for about £15.

If he's getting automatic reflex erections then he definitely doesn't have any nerve damage or physical problems, it sounds like it is all in his head which unfortunately is the hardest to treat.

A few comments stand out for me.

"He is REALLY generous in bed"

"he is very eager to please in bed"

"he gets erections in his sleep and sometimes in the morning."

Well, if his erections are regular, there's clearly no physical problem. Has he told you what his previous sexual partners were like? Was he the one who did all the work, so to speak?

If so, I wonder if he needs to learn how to enjoy you pleasing him, rather than enjoying pleasing you. It may be that he never learned to do this, odd as it may seem.

Just a thought.

thanks all

yes, I'd like to be able to come through oral - I think I get too tense and worried thinking "oh god he is trying so hard and it'll never work oh god" sort of thing, whereas maybe if I just relaxed a bit and opened up to ethe experience both physically and in fantasy it might help

looked on lovehoney mal and saw what looked like the perfect thing - about £68 quid thogh and no reviews...also will need to know him a bit better and how he is likely to react before would suggest that...don't want to make the poor chap feel anymore inadequate than he has to iykwim

maybe once the nervousness of first few times wears off the pills will start to work again for him, or something...also need to see what effect the new cock-ring has...

I thinki need to ask more relevant questions though...like whether he is actually into something more kinky and vanilla doesn't do it for him...or whether he is really gay or has any suspicions that way - how to do this without potentially causing issues though...

ayway,interesting what you said toadinthehole - first night when I really couldn't figure how WHY he wasn't reacting "normally" to or lenghty kissing, fondling etc session I asked if there was anything i could do for him and he explained the problem and said all we cold do was try - I did give him head and hand action then and he got hard enough and came...I'm just not very good at that as my ex wasn't much into it - we had VERY vanilla sex, hence me being used to coming from penetrative sex and not being at all used to oral being performed on me

I really like giving oral, but on an erect penis rather than a limp one ...hmmm...maybe will get over this, it's more just a case of my being really unsure what to do I guess...

seeing him again for a sleepover tmorrow night, wonder if will be any different?

I think the "sex therapist's" classic advice would be to hold off any idea of penetrative sex for a while. Just touch and be close.

It is obviously a psychological issue not anything health-related.

I suppose you need to know more about his history- was he in a LT relationship/married and what happened then?

The other option as others have said is being gay but not being out.

I had a LT relationship with a man with psych-sexual problems mainly down to guilt and lack of experience. In the end we separted but what made it a whole lot worse when we were trying to sort itout, was my over-keeness- I should have backed off and le t him relax then take the lead when he wanted to.

I think you need to find out more about his own sexual history: not only might you discover the cause of his erectile dysfunction, but also what he prefers. It sounds as if you just need to get to know each other in bed, so to speak. Seeing a sex therapist also sounds like a good idea.

hmm, well we spent the night together again at the weekend - he managed an erection and orgasm but wasn't hard enough for full penetration...that was with viagra but he had hideous hangover style feeling next day...on saturday he tried cialis but that didn't work - I wasn't putting on any pressure btw, he did it without conslting. We talked about it afterwards. It emerges he can get an erection but this fades pretty much as soon as he is aware of it. Odd and obviosuly psychological. The pills apparantly work when he is alone (poor guy - imagine having to take a pill to masterbate ) Anyway, I came straight out and asked whether he might be gay - he said he would be hHUGELY surprised by that, that he's never fancied a man. He didn't sem at all shocked or horrified, jst fairly sure that wasn't the issue. He talked about going back to his dr. Says he doesn't want this to become a big issue. I reassured him that I loved all the other stuff and was happy to work on ways I can manage to come without full penile penetration but he just said that that would become boring in the long run...(which I hate to say I do tend to agree with )

Sorry to hear things didn't go well.

If he has to take a pill just to have a wank, his problems sound too complicated to be sorted out by anyone but a sex therapist.

I will venture a couple of comments though: first, I would have thought that if he was gay he'd be aware by his age, and I think that is borne out by his reaction, ie, shrug. Second, it would be hard for you to help him without advice from a therapist, as your relationship is still new, and you will know nothing about huge parts of his background, which will doubtlessly contain the cause of his current problems.

In the meantime, look on the bright side: he wants to get this sorted out, and working through this together obviously gives you both the chance to get very close.

Good luck!

hmm, yes...it just seems to be this is SUCH a big deal (20 years of it ???) and I wonder if I should really get involved.

I've come out of a long term relationship (17 years) where lack of affection and sex was a BIG issue...I didn't expect to be getting into another quagmire...I know that sounds VERY callous but it is sort of the truth

this guy is gorgeous, sweet, affectionate, loving etc....BUT it just feels like there is a huge BUT hanging over me....

apart from anything else I wonder what the hell the psychological issues might be

things seem to be moving on quite quickly on the emotional level - we've been seeing each other about 7 weeks now and are already talking about going on holiday together etc - that all feels very right, I really like him and fancy him - BUT...

oh I am just horrible aren't I?

If he hasn't managed to get it sorted in 20 years, it's a hell of a gamble to hang around and see if he can be "cured" imho.
Has he had any proper assessment or treatment?

My gut feeling is that you'll be setting yourself up for a relationship full of sexual disappoinment if penetrative sex is that important for you.

What you say doesn't strike me as callous, but realistic. If this is important to you, then you will do no-one a favour by pretending that it isn't.

That said, find out if he has seen a doctor / psychologist. If he hasn't, there is every chance that his problem will be solved or at least mitigated. A heck of a lot more is known about problems such as these than even five or six years ago: twenty years ago, people just suffered in silence.

In the meantime, the best thing you can do, I suppose, is to support him.

I know mal - that's my gut feeling too - althogh I do wonder if I can't reducate myself slightly - we'll see - am not going to call a halt just yet

see if he has gone to his dr this week, also talk a bit to him about the pscyhological route - which he did bring up himself last week

funny thing is, I really like him ,so much that it sort of feels (mostly) like worth working at, althogh then I find myself thinking - it's only been 6 or so weeks, I sholdn't have to be dealing with stuff like that at this early stage of things...but hey ho, life isn't straightforward and I guess every man you met (especially at this stage - 40s) has baggage of some sort or another...

also, I suspect this "problem" is a part of what has made him who he is...and I like who he is a lot...sweet, affectionate, confident, able to talk feelings etc etc etc

thanks Toadinthehole, you are right, of course so much more must be known - it's a huge matter of finding the right person to help though of course

just shudder a bit at thought of sending him off to some psychotherapist for years of treatment (being in middle of some myself at moment and fully recognising what a long slow process it can be)

GINGERSLING - are you about at all ? did you talk to DP and ask what he thought?

how are things going OP?

hi wwwdotcom

no real change (other than am falling for him more and more) - we've only had one more night together since I posted last - he did manage erection again but again not hard enough for putting condom on /penetration. He orgasmed as I gave hand job but I didn't. In the end I pretended to as he was being so generous and trying so hard I couldn't bear not to, but it just sort of left me cold. Think I need to be more relaxed and less hung up on the whole thing, worrying about it all, including how he feels if I do/if I don't etc etc etc. Also maybe need to work on some serious fantasy wielding!

I was thinking about it all though, having read a thread on here about a woman with vaginismus (ie can't have intercorse due to vaginal muscles seizing up - I think) and refelcted on teh fact that if a man were contemplating not pursuing a relationship with her because of that I wouldn't think much of him

so, am just going to "wait and see" I think. Haven't had chance to talk to him properly recently bt am going round Sunday and will stay over and hopefully we'll talk then...

it may be that I have to suggest I bring my vibrator into things, if he wouldn't mind too much, that way at least I'll orgasm with him and it'll suddenly seem like a much smaller deal am sure...

now, should I jst bring it sunday and whip it out...

please don't pretend to orgasm ever again...soul-destroying

even if it bothers him..he needs to know that you didn't

I would also introduce your electronic friend into the equation

why the hell not ? They are an integral parts of many couple's sexlives, ED problems or not

please be careful

if being on the receiving end of a good rogering is important to you....maybe you should reconsider how much to "fall for" this man

I am not being cruel...just realistic

his ED problems seem well-entrenched, what makes you think that being with you will make a blind bit of difference

think about it...before you get in too deep, because if you decide in 10 yrs time this is not working for you..it will be much harder to extricate yourself