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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not wanting sex - dh taking it personally

32 replies

Incognitoes · 01/03/2010 12:42

name change check

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 01/03/2010 12:46

why?

Original poster
Incognitoes · 01/03/2010 12:48

Good. It works.

Ok, dh and I not had sex for months now. We've never had great sex life, once a week was the norm but dh could go a few weeks without bothering too much. When we did have sex I rarely orgasmed. I did enjoy sex and tbh didn't mind not orgasming because I used to have a bit of a downer afterwards and not want to finish.

Anyway, things are difficult atm financially. I've been getting quite depressed by it all and although our relationship is still ok and we are able to have a laugh, I just don't want sex with him.

He says I've been distant in other ways and I probably have because I know that if I allow him to cuddle me, he'll want that to lead to sex. I just can't bring myself to feel sexy or to allow him to touch me in that way.

I'm assuming that it will pass, but the longer I go without sex the less I miss it and if he starts to put a bit of pressure on me then that puts me off even more. I'm now finding fault with his appearance, the way he clears his throat, his smell, everything and I think that's to do with my subconscious making excuses to not want to bother.

How do I get out of this rut? More for his sake I suppose than mine.

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 01/03/2010 12:56

What works?

Have you told him how you feel?

Original poster
Incognitoes · 01/03/2010 13:01

Sorry I meant the name change.

We talked about it last weekend. He knows I'm feeling down but I suppose he doesn't see the connection between that and lack of libido. This weekend he asked me if I still loved him, if I was going off him.

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 01/03/2010 13:17

ah ok

well i think it is only natural that he is asking those type of questions, and as human beings we do tend to take rejection personally

It sounds like you need to bond with him again, and that is not going to happen if you are feeling pressured, maybe you need another talk with him and explain this?

VinegarTits · 01/03/2010 13:20

I'm probably not the best person to advise though, bumping for you

AnyFucker · 01/03/2010 13:22

so he is taking it personally

so would I, sorry if that isn't what you were asking

by your own admission, you are avoiding intimacy and finding (silly) faults with him that were never an issue before...you are pushing him away and then justifying it to yourself

you sound very low, possibly depressed, my love

perhaps you should see your GP to go through this, because, although your DH sounds kind and patient, no-one should have to tolerate this in a committed relationship

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 01/03/2010 13:27

Of course he's going to take it personally - you're rejecting everything about his intimate self, aren't you?

And you should want to get out of this rut for you as much as him. You want a good sex life don't you?

Malificence · 01/03/2010 13:43

I think that when you have sex infrequently that the pressure builds up for it to be "great" and you can both end up disappointed.

I understand exactly what you mean by feeling on a downer after having an orgasm btw. When me and DH weren't having much sex I would be in a vile mood afterwards and neither of us could figure out why, after all, he always made sure I orgasmed so what was the problem? Looking back it seems like it was all to do with my state of mind in all honesty, it's very hard to explain actually - suffice to say we have lots of sex now and life is far nicer.
I think I was depressed, I couldn't stand myself let alone him, I couldn't understand how he fancied me when I felt so, ugly , is the only way I can describe it - he felt rejected and him telling me that he thought I no longer loved him was the catalyst for me making massive changes in my life, I was a virtual recluse for a good 6 months, never wanted to go anywhere or do anything.
You can get over this , you need to talk to him and explain how you feel - I'm assuming you still love him?

Lucyellensmumma · 01/03/2010 14:02

i echo Anyfucker (as i so often do!) I think you need to talk to your GP maybe get some counselling. We are in financial shit too and it really affects how you feel - i also find the longer i go without it the less i miss it, but the less close to DP i feel.

~I think he wonders some times, i wonder too iyswim because hes almost given up trying.

I often just let DP have his way, it doesn't take long and he is so much more relaxed and i guess, so am i - if i waited til i felt horny we would never do it

Original poster
Incognitoes · 01/03/2010 14:21

Thank you for the replies. Yes I do still love him and I'm sorry for trying to justify my behaviour. Of course he has every right to feel hurt, I just find it hard to explain why I don't want sex.

I do feel very low and ugly. I feel like a failure because of our situation. I am trying to get us out of it but at the moment I'm getting nowhere. He's under pressure at work too so that doesn't help. I feel as though I can't provide stability or security for my children. We have no friends here and often I'll go for days and dh will be the only adult I see or talk to.

I have thought about just letting him do it, but I would feel as though I am patronising him in a way. It's not really what he wants either. I just don't feel special any more and dh, bless him, has never been very good with that. I've always managed to feel good about myself through work and interaction with other people, with that gone dh is the only person left. He tries but he's not very good at emotional or romantic things. Our weekends are just renting a DVD and staying at home drinking wine. Then he expects us to have sex and I'm sorry but I just can't.

The GP would only prescribe meds. I don't want to take meds.

OP posts:
Aussieng · 01/03/2010 14:25

Do you masterbate or are you not interested in sex at all?

What did you mean by "downer afterwards and not want to finish"? Obviously I understand downer but are you saying that you would orgasm quite some time before your DH and just wanted him off you from that point on?

Just ignore if too personal.

AnyFucker · 01/03/2010 14:33

you do found very sad, toes

no wonder your libido has taken a nose-dive

why would meds be such a no-no ?

depression is a chemical imbalance, isn't it ?

all meds do is correctt he imbalance...they don't change you into a different person

FWIW, money worries are about some of the most soul-destroying problems there can be...

Original poster
Incognitoes · 01/03/2010 14:51

Aussie, no I don't, not really. I used to but just can't be bothered any more.

And in answer to your second question - yes. I felt it hard to continue afterwards. But I don't want you to think that I didn't enjoy sex, I did. We may not have had the liveliest sex lives, or been very adventurous, but it was ok. I previously had a higher libido than my dh and I was the one doing the pestering. It took 2 weeks for him to notice that we hadn't had any. Perhaps I've just given up trying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Incognitoes · 01/03/2010 14:55

AnyFucker, I just don't think meds would be the answer, they can't solve our problems for us. I have never taken meds and don't really want to start now. I'd like to find a solution if possible. If my lack of interest in sex is due to my circumstances then I'd like to be able to explain this to dh in terms that he'll understand and not think it's to do with him. Or to change my way of thinking or something.

I don't miss sex at all, but I'm aware that I'm hurting dh and I really don't want to do that.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/03/2010 14:58

ok

erm, I dunno then

are you sure you still love him ? really ?

you seem to be losing respect for him, for some reason...

Original poster
Incognitoes · 01/03/2010 15:03

You think so? Why do you say that? Yes I love him and the only person I'm losing respect for is myself and my inability to be able to see past this mess or to sort it out.

My dh is my best friend and I love him dearly. I just don't want sex - not even on a fantasy level.

I am aware that this isn't normal and that it is hurting dh which is why I'm asking for advice. I don't want to live a celibate life and I don't know why I feel this way or what I can do about it. I've never gone off sex like this before.

OP posts:
Malificence · 01/03/2010 15:06

I didn't see anyone or take any meds, I chose to work on myself, but that's not going to work for everyone.

I read self help stuff online and worked out where my problems were and formed a plan of action as to how to tackle things.

If you are properly, clinically depressed, meds might help, but they can also kill libido, but as you have none at the moment anyway, it may be worth a try?

I agree with AF about money worries, our problems really started when DH lost his job in awful circumstances and spent 2 months temping beofre getting a permanent job, it was terrifying and it was the one time in our marriage that we grew apart.

Aussieng · 01/03/2010 15:07

Incognitoes the fact that you have stopped materbating as well as going off your husband suggests to me a problem that perhaps medication could be of use with. It is all about chemicals at the end of the day. Nevertheless there are clearly things to be discussed with your DH and if you can make some improvements in those areas then this can only be a good thing and may reduce or eliminate the requirement for medication.

The most important lesson I learned after I split up from my first husband was to be good to myself. I took some time to pamper myself and treated myself to nice underwear etc (even with no-one else to wear it for). Your DH may need to work on complimenting your and making you feel good but feeling good is sexy in itself and makes you glow. This may make you less reliant on your DH for compliments and make him more likely to notice that you are looking and feeling good and comment - a virtuous circle.

You say you have some financial pressures at the moment which will no doubt make that more difficult but these things do not have to be expensive. Lastminute just did a load of £10 spa days, some of the supermarkets do lovely underwear for very few $$ and even just digging through your own wardrobe for your nicer clothes etc can all help. Nevertheles as AF says - financial stresses have massive impact on libido and relationships etc so do not underestimate the effect that such worries will be happening.

With respect to the response to my second question, I know you have many issues to resolve before you get to this stage but I invested (£5) in a magic bullet because I had exactly the same issue in my first marriage. The MB enables me to utterly control the timing of my orgasm so I now make sure that this occurs when DH is at the same point thus removing that awful waiting for him to finish stage. This has made a huge difference to my libido in this relationship compared to my first (the fact that DH is lovely and does the whole compliments things very well and my ex was a tosser also helps of course)!

AnyFucker · 01/03/2010 15:10

well, sorry if this seems off-beam, toes

but the way you have started to pick insignificant faults in him..."his appearance, the way he clears his throat, his smell..." etc, smacks of diminishing respect to me

but you don't seem to be picking up on that, nor is anyone else, so forgive me if I am getting it wrong...

Aussieng · 01/03/2010 15:14

I think it's a good point AF - it is how I felt about my exH BUT I didn't go off sex, just off him specifically which seems to be different in this case.

Malificence · 01/03/2010 15:19

AF, I had days when I hated DH for even breathing. Everything about him annoyed me, it was all about where my head was.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/03/2010 15:20

Incognitoes: do you use hormonal-based contraception and if so have you recently changed the type/brand you use? Quite a fedw of them can cause this kind of loss of libido and low-level depression.
It can also be linked to your own hormones anyway - are you over 35 or so?

AnyFucker · 01/03/2010 15:23

I don't mean loss of respect in an "this is the end of the line" way

I mean that feelings like you cannot stand the physical presence of your DH, should be taken seriously

I just think this lady's marriage is in quite a lot of trouble

EssenceOfJack · 01/03/2010 15:33

What AF says.