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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not wanting sex - dh taking it personally

32 replies

Incognitoes · 01/03/2010 12:42

name change check

OP posts:
MathsMadMummy · 01/03/2010 16:00

It does, as PPs have said, look like you need to work on your relationship and get this possible depression sorted.

I'm just going on what I've read elsewhere, but I've heard a lot that if you're in a major rut, sometimes you just need to do it. I know that sounds abhorrent to you right now but if these sexperts know their stuff it's worth a try.

NoahAndTheWhale · 01/03/2010 16:06

Incognitoes there is so much of what you have written that I identify with - the financial situation, the not feeling bothered to have sex any more, the not wanting to cuddle DH in case it turns into something else. I have also gone off masturbating.

I am a general long term depressive, although don't think I am depressed at the moment. I am sure that just getting on with it would help but I seem to lack the motivation to do that. DH and I have talked a bit but I know that it is my fault and that I am hurting him.

No suggestions from me but I'm sure there are other people in the world feeling like this too .

Lucyellensmumma · 01/03/2010 16:11

A visit to your GP doesn't necessarily = medication. But it is the best place to start to secure some counselling. Maybe relate?

I totally understand how finances can make you feel so low - im sure its the underlying factor behind my lack of labido. When you have all those worries, even when you aren't thinking about them they are there - its insidious.

So, what have you done to try and sort the finances? Are you just trying to battle on? I would strongly suggest you have a look at the national debtline website, and phone them - please phone them, they are helping us and quite frankly, without their help im not sure what would have happened. There are so many routes, mostly long termish, that you can take to sort your finances out - some mortgage companies will accept interest only payments for a short time. Things like getting credit card interest frozen. There are template letters on the website and a budget planner to help you assign money each month - you send this to any creditors, they like it or lump it, mostly they agree - we are paying some of our debts off at £3 a month atm. Having it all under control will give you back the power. When i sorted our stuff out, it made me feel good - ok i wasn't earning anything and contributing in that way, but it took the stress from DP.

I am a bit dubious about meds for you though, most SSRIs, which is most likely what you would be prescribed can decrease labido - however, if they make you feel better then chances are you would feel more sexy? You don't have a marena coil do you, the day i had mine fitted, my labido packed its bags!

We are like you, with sex comes intimacy so when we dont have sex that goes out the window to, and that can make me feel like im living with a flat mate - thats not good.

Do go to your GP - talk to someone, get some help wiht the money stuff, thats the first step. The sex will follow

Incognitoes · 01/03/2010 16:23

AF, I do love my husband. I think I am finding faults with him as an excuse not to get close to him. When I'm depressed I tend to put up walls and not let anyone in. If I didn't love him I wouldn't have started this thread. He is a dear man and I feel guilty that I am not allowing him close.

I'm not on any hormonal based contraception and I am just over 35 yes.

I don't to tell you too much of our financial situation, but we do get benefits to help, however we are overdrawn every month despite cutting back. We won't be having a family holiday this year as I just don't see how we can afford one. If I was able to work then our situation would be helped massively, but despite lots of applications I've not even had an interview. So yes, I am trying very hard.

Noah, thank you for your support and I'm sad to hear that you are in the same situation. Medication won't solve our financial problems and I just think that's at the heart of it really. Or possibly I've just given up on sex, I don't know. Once I accepted that once a week was about my lot I think I just stopped trying anyway.

Thanks for listening, I appreciate the advice you are all giving.

OP posts:
Lucyellensmumma · 01/03/2010 16:38

sorry. didn't mean to suggest you are not trying, didnt mean that at all, just putting forward some options for you to think about. Our situation has gone way beyond not being able to afford a holiday so perhaps NDL not your first port of call. Just offering an understanding, i know what its like shoulder.

morningpaper · 01/03/2010 16:46

Hmm sounds like you have a lot of areas that you are unhappy with TBH

I love the Life Wheel Exercise - I think it can be beneficial if you feel that you are in a rut. Basically I like diagrams. Could you put aside some time to looking at the different areas of life and thinking of practical ways that you could improve them? E.g. If your social life is shit - then invite X over for Sunday lunch, or go out in the evening with Y. It can help to put your life into managable chunks. The problem with your DH/sex could be looked at in a similar way. If you could do this sort of exercise with yourself then it might help to see what things you CAN control and how to improve them?

Incognitoes · 01/03/2010 16:48

Lucyellen, I know that and I do appreciate your support.

Thank you morningpaper, I'll give that a go.

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