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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is texting a reason for separating?

68 replies

Kayzr · 28/02/2010 20:37

Last November I found out that H was texting another woman. I thought I would be ok with it as he didn't do anything physical. But I just can't get it out of my head. It's killing me and we are having huge rows about it.

I just don't know what to do and my head is spinning. I don't know if I love him anymore.

What would you do?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 28/02/2010 20:44

what did they say?

how long was it going on for?

how did you find out about it

i would be devastated if my husband did this - it is a betrayal of sorts as time and emotion is being invested with another woman

Original poster
Kayzr · 28/02/2010 20:49

I don't really know what they said. I used his phone to text my brother while we were away as the battery had died on mine. His phone is one that shows the first line of the text message. I just looked at 1 from her and it said she couldn't be friends with him while he was married. He says that she wouldn't leave him alone. I want to believe him but I'm not sure if I can really.

It went on for about 3 weeks.

OP posts:
sadperson123 · 28/02/2010 20:52

A similar thing happened to me with my H, I never got over it.

It was the betrayal, and the secrecy that I couldn't cope with.

I think men tend to put their emotions and actions into little boxes, and my H would talk about it for a while, but then put the incident in a little box, and wanted me to get over it, and forget about it, which unfortunately I couldn't

You need to talk talk talk, and see if you can learn to forgive him and move on - not easy to do though.

Good luck

rubyslippers · 28/02/2010 20:57

sadperson's advice is spot on

you need to talk to your H

do you want to separate? if not, then you need to find a way to move forwards which is healthy and emotionally good

Original poster
Kayzr · 28/02/2010 21:02

I don't really want to know what I want. I just don't know if I can forgive him. He has just told me that if it was the other way round he would have left me.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 28/02/2010 21:09

he would have left you for doing the same, but had no compunction about doing it to you? nice double standard

IIRC, you are both quite young..

if you don't knowif you love him ,and he is doing stupid things, then it might be that you are growing apart.

some couples counselling might be of benefit, i would find it hard to rebuild the trust, but do you believe that it was nothing pyhsical?

if it was, that for me, would be a deal breaker

you need to both talk and really thrash this out

it is not going to go away, but the fact he would have left you for the same shows that on some level, he knows this is a serioulsy bad thing to do

Karmann · 28/02/2010 21:11

Your other post, only a few days ago, was 'struggling in my marriage'. Is there more that you could have said there? I'm confused now.

GypsyMoth · 28/02/2010 21:15

my thoughts too karmann!

this combined with your other thread makes me think this is never going to work...sorry

Original poster
Kayzr · 28/02/2010 21:17

I do believe it was nothing physical. I half wish that there was something physical then it would be so much easier.

OP posts:
lookingahead · 28/02/2010 21:18

I found texts from a girl to my H a few months ago and he denied they were anything more than just friends. Transpired they were just the tip of the iceberg and things had progressed way beyond that. Not wishing to sound negative but I would be thinking beyond what you already know. It could well be nothing more than he says and maybe it's just my recent nightmare that makes me feel this way but in my experience you are only told what you have proof of and nothing more.

Lulumaam · 28/02/2010 21:22

had a read of your other thread, kayzr, hope you don't mind

it sounds like H has some serious issues, depression or anger aside, he has chosen to mess around with another woman

it might be you have done it all too young, and throw 2 young chldren, unemployment and complicated childhood into the mix, you are looking at something that could well explode

if he has time to text other women, he has time to work on the marraige

but it almost sounds like he is hoping you'll make the decision and say it's over

he said he would leave you if the shoe was on the other foot...

and you dont think you love him anymore

there is no shame in ending a marriage that is making you both miserable

Karmann · 28/02/2010 21:23

Why would it be easier if it were physical? I am really confused now - TBB are you with me here?

Original poster
Kayzr · 28/02/2010 21:30

It would be easier if it was physical because then it would be like he really cheated IYSWIM. Then I could just end it.

The unemployment was a complete shock. He applied for a job, was told he had it. So he handed in his notice at his old job. Then he was told that he didn't have the job after all. I do think that it's not helping him as he feels like he has failed us.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 28/02/2010 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Karmann · 28/02/2010 21:34

Thought that may be the case. Going to have to think about this before I respond.

GypsyMoth · 28/02/2010 21:52

you say you're having huge rows about it....what does he say during the rows?

Original poster
Kayzr · 28/02/2010 21:56

We've been rowing the past couple of days. He doesn't say too much. He mainly cries and says he is sorry. Which makes me feel terrible but I can't help feeling like I've been betrayed.

I really wanted to just forget it has ever happened but I don't know if I can actually do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kayzr · 28/02/2010 21:57

He has also said that he thought we weren't getting on when he was texting her. He was also have a few erection problems and he felt he couldn't talk to me about it. Which hurts a lot.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 28/02/2010 22:09

could that be the medication?

Original poster
Kayzr · 28/02/2010 22:12

No it was long before he started this medication. He went to the GP who said it was stress and gave him Viagra. But then it just seemed to sort it's self out after about a month.

I'm going to ring relate tomorrow and see if we can afford it.

OP posts:
expo · 28/02/2010 22:18

Hello Kayzr - if you want to see them in person it is £50 an hour.....expensive. However, if you have an hour over the phone it goes down to £20 an hour. I found the phone really useful...

AnyFucker · 28/02/2010 22:19

I am so sorry

the situation is really bloody awful, tbh

you weren't getting on when he text another woman ? What will happen the next time you "are not getting on"?

he has an intimate sexual problem...but cannot discuss it with his wife ? Very immature to then displace his guilt about that by paying attention to another woman

he says he would not forgive you if you did the same...there is your cue

he will only admit what can be proved...I do not blame you for having difficulty getting past this and frankly, I reckon there is more

when someone tells you who they...listen

you are young...your dc are young, if you split they will not be affected in the long-term

there is no shame if you feel you cannot forgive him. Of course, he will want you to just "move on"

but you don't have to do that

you don't have to do anything you don't want to do

please think about whether you want to be in this situation in 5 years time, this is no way to live

think of yourself, he certainly isn't...the tears are because he has been busted

xx

Original poster
Kayzr · 28/02/2010 22:25

I didn't realise we weren't getting on though. I thought we were ok. This week I've gone from happily married and planning DC3 to not knowing what is happening with my life. I'm not even 24 yet and I might already have a failed marriage.

We can't afford relate at all. Even £20 for a phone call is really pushing it.

I am so scared of ruining my boys lifes. I love them so much and I feel like I will be taking their daddy away.

I have no idea what I want anymore.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/02/2010 22:27

no please, whatever you do, don't try for dc3

not until you know exactly where you are up to

tiny babies (lovely as they are) trap you, and narrow your choices

you don't want to narrow your choices just now

Eurostar · 28/02/2010 22:32

A text that says, "can't be friends while you are married" does not sound like it is one from someone who is chasing. It sounds like he was chasing her for friendship and she was telling him to back off.

There are many men who deal with stress by looking for extra-marital relationships. If you can't afford Relate maybe try getting one of their books of their website? It sounds like you both get very upset when you try to discuss things which sounds like it is leading him (and you?) to be scared to be open as it leads to hard to bear emotions. The advantage of counselling is it is a controlled environment where things can be discussed and the counsellor hopefully stops the conversations moving to a level that are too emotional to be useful - perhaps one of the books can help you to try and get to that place?

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