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Original poster

Deluded or was this a 'moment'?

29 replies

mrsconflicted · 28/02/2010 14:16

Marriage has hit a rocky patch and we're working through it. Love my husband very much but suppose have been pretty low and feeling unloved for some time. I was at a client function on Friday night and it was in the middle of nowhere, company put on cabs to get us back home and I was placed in a cab with someone I had never met. The journey was an hour and a half and ended up being such a strange intense event that I'm reeling and don't know what to make of it. Can't stop thinking about it and feel guilty although I didn't do anything. Basically got chatting to the guy I'd been put together with and had such a spark it was insane. Talked about our work and lives and past it was like I'd known this person forever...didn't even know his name. After an hour or so, he turned round to me and just said is it just me or is this a pretty strange scenario. He said that he felt he had this insane connection and I know it sounds like bullshit but there was a tangible spark in the air. I was shaking - this hasn't ever in my whole life happened to me. Before I got out he just said "look at me" and I was locked in this stare. I said I was married and had to go - he didn't touch me or try and kiss me or anything but it was such an intense moment. I can't stop thinking about it. Am I just being a complete weirdo or did it mean something? And I wouldn't act on it in any event, I've made my vows but has this ever happened to you? as though you may have just stumbled upon someone that in different circumstances could be really significant? I feel quite ill with nerves thinking about it.

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 28/02/2010 14:21

OMG... Yes, I have felt this and it's led to nothing but trouble when one (or both) of you is married. Think very, very carefully before you do any following up (if you are considering it). If he is married, then I don't think he should have been doing the "look at me" stuff and I would say he would be one to avoid if so. If he isn't then it's likely he will seek you out.

If you want your marriage to have amy chance of success/recovery I'd advise you to steer well clear...

I know it's all exciting and wonderful but unless you're certain you want your marriage to be put under even more strain or even end, I'd avoid.

Sorry - probably not what you wanted to hear.

Original poster
mrsconflicted · 28/02/2010 14:28

No...you're right.I don't want to act on it. I feel guilty that it even happened. Even though nothing actually happened if you know what I mean. I am not a flirtatious person or really beautiful so I suppose it caught me off guard and surprised me by the intensity of the whole thing.

OP posts:
GreenMonkies · 28/02/2010 14:36
  1. Do you love your husband?
  1. Why are you going through a rocky patch?
  1. Can this be worked through?
  1. How much had you had to drink?
  1. When was the last time you actually spent any time talking to your husband?

Answer those for your self, not to me.

Just think them through. If the answer to 1 is yes, definitely and 3 is yes, then do nothing and put it down to an odd experience.

If the answer to 1 & 3 is not really and I don't think so then feel free to pursue this man (as long as he's not married) once you have separated from your husband.

Sometimes events can conspire to put us in situations that are really intense. There is no way of knowing if you would feel the same the next time you saw this man, or that it wasn't just a one-off thing. Perhaps it just gave you a feeling of being special and focused on that is missing in your marriage or I don't know.

But whatever you do, don't act on the situation in the taxi unless you are sure that there is no future with your husband.

BelleDameSansMerci · 28/02/2010 15:16

Oooh, Greenmonkies that's a really good point. If you're feeling neglected in your relationship it can increase the intensity when someone is clearly interested. And, regardless of reality, this man clearly was interested or he wouldn't have said and done the things he did.

Sooo, mrsconflicted whatever it is, you obviously have it!

Original poster
mrsconflicted · 28/02/2010 15:21

I have to believe in a future with my husband as we have a child together. I will try to put it out of my mind. I guess that sometimes things catch you off guard? I am a hopeless romantic and the intensity of such an out of the ordinary moment and being made to feel special appealed to that side of me. The guy is a very successful man and maybe ten years older than me - he may just have a way with him and was trying it on. Who knows? I don't suppose it matters unless I have to face him in a work context at some point. Time to pull myself together.

OP posts:
jasper · 28/02/2010 15:24

are you likely to bump into him again?

Original poster
mrsconflicted · 28/02/2010 15:29

Possibly - depends if his practice is tendering for any of the deals I'm on.

OP posts:
MadameOvary · 28/02/2010 15:44

IME men who act like that are usually serial shaggers who are charismatic and very attractive to women in vulnerable situations (their appearance of being in control can be very heady). Brilliant if you wanted a passionate fling but hopeless for any sort of decent relatonship
The whole "look at me" thing made me cringe.

Just my very personal opinion, but I wouldn't go anywhere near a man like that whilst feeling in any way vulnerable, and that includes immediately after a break-up (if that's what ultimately happens)

Original poster
mrsconflicted · 28/02/2010 15:50

Deluded then.

OP posts:
Aussieng · 28/02/2010 15:58

mrsconflicted bear in mind that the kind of intense "getting to know you" conversation can only happen for so long (basically until you know each other). There comes a point when you have a relationship and your conversations etc have to be based upon the fact that you already know each other. Now that you are aware that you are vulnerable try to put your energies into finding a way to re-connect with your husband (for your own sake) and hopefully you wont be caught off guard again.

LostArtOfKeepingASecret · 28/02/2010 16:14

I think MadameOvary has hit the nail on the head. I think the 'look at me' comment sounded like a (well used) pick up line.

Its not that you are deluded, just a not very happy in your relationship. When was the last time you spent that long talk about yourself to you DH? As Ausssieng said, re-connect to yor DH and get that 'spark' in your marriage. Besides, you'd never trust 'mystery man' in a taxi with any other woman!

OrmRenewed · 28/02/2010 16:16

Yes it was a moment. It was a moment when he thought he had a chance of getting into your knickers.

So it's up to you to decide what to make of it. But was it the start of a life-long passionate all-consuming love-affair? Probably not.

chipmonkey · 28/02/2010 16:29

Agree with MadameOvary and Orm. Sounds like a serial pick-up artist and you responded because you are feeling vulnerable. Even if you did succumb ( sorry that sounds very Mills and Boon!) that intense phase wouldn't last forever anyway. Well done for resisting! Think of it as a test that you passed with flying colours.

Original poster
mrsconflicted · 28/02/2010 16:39

Oh dear, looks like I was played. Good job I didn't respond...just feel a bit sheepish now after reading these posts.

OP posts:
elastamum · 28/02/2010 17:03

Hi, I met someone through work and we had a real mutual spark from the moment we first met. My advice is dont act on it. I never did as he is married. A couple of years on I would have to say whilst we are still friends, that intense attraction does blow over if you dont give it your time and energy. Consider it an interesting moment but nothing more

ItsGraceAgain · 28/02/2010 17:58

It was a 'moment' and who knows why? I've only had 2 of those in my (very long) life - both complete strangers: nothing at all happened; didn't even speak to them, but it's dead weird when it does happen, isn't it?!

FWIW, I also found the 'look at me' thing creepy. But don't let that take away from your 'moment'

GreenMonkies questions are very good. We forget to treat our partners like the complex, flawed, amusing & fascinating human beings they are ... then feel surprised when a stranger responds to our attention!

MadameOvary · 28/02/2010 18:23

mrsconflicted, better to feel a bit sheepish than guilty and used which is how you would have felt if Mr-Look-At-Me had been allowed to take advantage.

Anyway, I speak from experience so I'm not in any position to judge! Decent guys don't act like that, it either wouldn't occur to them or they would feel daft.

We're all glad you had a lucky escape!

AnyFucker · 28/02/2010 18:26

yep, lucky escape

warthog · 28/02/2010 19:45

well done for not doing anything. i think he probably has quite a few of these encounters. sorry. but you did the right thing. nothing to feel guilty of, as long as you let it go.

Original poster
mrsconflicted · 28/02/2010 20:32

I think the advice is direct and probably bang on as one might expect from mumsnet. It is still really bugging me though - I am pretty savvy and generally have my personal defences up. It took a lot for me to lower the defences when I met my husband and I think that generally I am suspicious of men and never want to be made to look a fool. It's just that what we spoke about was so esoteric and I don't see how the converstaion could have been a slick patter of the well versed sleaze bag. It wasn't creepy and I wasn't uncomfortable - we talked in detail about architecture (my passion but not my job (his job)) and what I do for a living which is what he trained to do and moved on. His views (cynical and funny) aligned exactly with how I think and that never happens. I guess the whole "look at me" thing makes it sound creepy and I had to laugh out loud at the whole "Mr-Look-At-Me" post. I just feel really bothered by the whole thing but I do take on board that I should just forget it and look closer to home in terms of where my attention should be directed. I guess the question was whether other people have had an unsettling experience which just stopped you in your tracks. In seriousness, I couldn't stop shaking after I got home. I can't eat and have been unable to sleep it's just bugging me. It was like somthing out of a film

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/02/2010 20:56

come on, get a grip

< slaps MrsC gently on the cheeks >

sometimes you just fancy someone, and they fancy you

don't make more out of it than that

you didn't enter a nunnery when you got married

it is ok to have the odd "moment"

you didn't act on it, so move on

you are going to start sounding like a lovesick teenager at this rate

ninah · 28/02/2010 20:59

the really slick operators don't sound slick

SixtyFootDoll · 28/02/2010 21:14

TAke the compliment and move on, dont feel bad or sheepish.
You didnt do anything.

cloudedyellow · 28/02/2010 21:17

'It was like something out of a film'.

Brief Encounter?

I don't feel cynical about this meeting, mrsconflicted . These chance things happen between people all the time. A connection - an understanding.

But, and there's always a but, isn't there? In the long run, it may be better to enjoy it for what it was in that moment, rather than to take any action.

mumonthenet · 28/02/2010 21:47

It sounds to me like a true "moment", don't let any of our cynical comments take that away from you.

However, treat it as something precious that you can put away for safekeeping - and get on with your life. Concentrate on your dh and your beautiful child.

You'll always have the memory of that taxi-ride and I kinda think that's a positive thing in this humdrum world.

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