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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have I made the worst mistake of my life/can I fix it?

48 replies

Dened · 27/02/2010 11:19

Pls let me ist put in my apologies cos I know this will sound like a rambling monologue...
I recently got married to someone I'd dated for about 4yrs. DH has two kids from his 1st marriage and 2 from his last partner. His partner didn't seem interested during the 1st yr while we were together but in the past few yrs she has become a major presence in his life (phone calls etc) and when he goes to see the kids she goes with them to shows etc.
At one stage I got fed up and told her to get a life. She took the text to the police and I was warned by the police to desist. When this happened, DH took her side although I don't think he did to her face.
I am still with DH but feel as though I have ruined my life. On the scale of 1-10 I rate him 7 cos he is a good man generally but he is often sad cos of not living with both sets of kids and I think he is carrying a lot of emotional baggage.
Pls put yourself in my shoes - I have no kids yet but we are planning. Am I complicating my life further? Should I clear out now b4 d little ones are involved or should I stay and try to make it work? DH wants to make it work, not the least cos of what friends and family will think of him.
I am almost desperate.

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 27/02/2010 11:22

there isn't enough information in your post

i think that parents putting on a united front for their children is not an issue

why were you so bothered by it?

i think you should definitely put off having children and talk to your DH

if you are just married you should be feeling a lot more positive and encourage about the future than your post suggests

Original poster

Dened · 27/02/2010 11:32

I was bothered by it because I found out that twice when DH had said he was away on business he had actually spent the nights in a hotel, in the same room with his ex and the two kids!
When I confronted him, he asked me whether he could conceivably have sex with his ex with the children there and that the children had a show in the area, thus the hotel. But that's not the issue is it? Why did it have to be in the same room? There's one thing putting on a united front and another pretending to be married to your ex? Is my concern unfounded?

I have to confess that although we are recently married, I do not feel positive at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dened · 27/02/2010 11:34

Sorry, I forgot to add that I found out about the nights in a hotel 3 months after our marriage.

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 27/02/2010 11:34

why did you marry him?

doesn't sound like you trust him

is he pretending to be married?

he has not been honest with you

you sound ticked off with him

not a good start to a marriage

DuelingFanjo · 27/02/2010 11:39

Although I do feel sorry for the situation you have found yourself in, if the police thought the txt message was bad enough to warn you to desist then it sounds like you were most definitely in the wrong.

Was it just the one single text? If so it must have been pretty bad?

You need to get a handle on your jealousy because it will ruin your relationship. Though I can understand how his contact with exes might make you feel, it is surely a good sign that he is prepared to be amicable with his exes for the sake of the children?

Do really have any reason to be jealous. presumably his relationship with you started after a clear break with his ex and he doesn't have a history of cheating.

Original poster

Dened · 27/02/2010 11:43

I feel so lost. I married him because I love him. But soon after the wedding when I found out about his stay with ex in hotels, I have been utterly unhappy. He apologised and said he'll never put himself in such an uncompromising situation ever again but my constant pain tells me I haven't forgiven him.

I feel like I've made the worst mistake of my life. But my family/friends/community is a closely knit one and I don't think I can bear a divorce when I've only been married less than a year.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Doha · 27/02/2010 11:54

For me the fact that he lied on these "overnight trips" with his ex would be the main issue.

I can see why it is so hard to forgive or forget.

For me it would be a no brainer--cut loose and run.

kittyonthebeam · 27/02/2010 12:06

tbh, it does sound like he has lots of baggage, 2 sets of kids and whatever relationship with his ex. no, it's not normal to share a bedroom with an ex but maybe he's so skint he couldn't afford 2 bedrooms. good on him for making the effort to see his dc and if you want to be with him you have to support that.

what events does his ex accompany him to? Are these school events? Then of course she'd be there. But if these are private undertakings by your Dh to spend time with his kids I think she should butt out because her time to do that is over. Plus, I think it's good for the kids to do fun things with their dad without anyone else there.

But I digress... It sounds like you have a big issue with how he deals with it all. I would advise you to put your baby planning activities on ice. The last thing you need is a child with him when he's already got more than he can handle + your relationship is in limbo. I think a course at Relate would be best to find out how you can pull through this.

A last word of advice: no one can live your life for you! No matter what your family or others say: you have to live with your own decisions. Do not let others hamper your ability to make them. Who cares what they think? Are you afraid of losing face? If I were you, I'd rather cut my losses than waste more time on a situation that will never move in my favour.

PS: Don't send those texts and emails as it makes you look like you can't keep it together. I know you're angry, but try and keep a dignified silence towards his exes.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/02/2010 12:10

Thing is, his ex is always going to be a part of his life, because she is his co parent and they need to keep their relationship amicable for the sake of the DC.
Have you always been inclined to jealousy? If so, you need to do some work on it. It's a major character failing that needs to be controlled, not wallowed in.

Original poster

Dened · 27/02/2010 12:10

The 'overnight trips' are the main issue although I thought I'd got over it.

I like to think that people make mistakes and can redeem themselves but can't seem to let go of this one.

Does this mean that my marriage is doomed forever?

OP posts:

Original poster

Dened · 27/02/2010 12:21

Pls correct me if I'm wrong.. does feeling that it is improper for your DH to spend nights in the room with his ex a sign of unreasonable jealousy?

If not, then it only proves that my initial concern about his relationship with his ex has been right.

OP posts:

Doha · 27/02/2010 12:23

MrsSawdust · 27/02/2010 12:31

'DH wants to make it work, not the least cos of what friends and family will think of him'

'But my family/friends/community is a closely knit one and I don't think I can bear a divorce when I've only been married less than a year.'

You both seem very concerned about what other people will think if your marriage breaks down. Surely the important issue is how you feel about each other and whether you can trust him?

His ex is the mother of his children and will always be part of his life. The fact that the police warned you regarding your communication with her, and that your dh took her side, should tell you that you were seriously overstepping the mark with your comments to her. No, he shouldn't be lying to you about time spent with them, but given your history of vitriolic reaction, him covering things up to keep the peace is somewhat understandable.

Your marriage doesn't need to be doomed. Doomed is a word that suggests it has no chance. It does have a chance, but marriages need effort, compromise, mutual understanding and respect.

Both of you need to agree to turn over a new leaf and be totally honest about everything, and you should agree to behave in a more dignified manner towards the mother of his children, while putting more trust in him. I do think he has made mistakes here, but then so have you.

thehillsarealive · 27/02/2010 12:32

I think, without knowing too much of what has gone on that MY concern would be the lies. If he has lied to you about this what else has he lied about.

His track record isnt very good either - 4 children in total with 2 different partners in the space of how many years? Cant be that many really can it?

If it were me then I would be thinking long and hard about my life with this man - getting along with his ex's is fine, spening the night in the same room is not fine IMHO.

Oh and dont have any children at the moment. Not until you have sat down with your DH and sorted all of this mess out.

It really isnt a good start to a marriage.

Original poster

Dened · 27/02/2010 12:44

Not meaning to be defensive here but I think I should explain a bit more about the text. DC's ex had set me up by texting me that she will call my ex whenever it suited her and I replied in a not very nice manner that she should 'get a life and find someone else to f*.' This is the text she sent to the police, saying she did it to 'protect' her DCs.

I later found out that she'd done that to a couple of other persons in the past and had a history of setting up her employers and suing them at which they ultimately paid her out of court. Since that event, I have never made any attempts to contact her and will never. In any event, the police also warned her to desist from bothering us at 'all hours except in an emergency'.

Thanks all for your contributions. I've been sat here crying all morning and feeling helpless. But right now I know that the first step is - NO DCs yet!

OP posts:

Lulumaam · 27/02/2010 12:49

the issue of the text is secondary to the fact your DH has probably been sleeping with his ex and she will alwyas be part of your lives together as they hvae children together

you can't stay together or make a marriage work to keep other people happy
i'd thank your lucky stars you don't have children with this man , this man you clrealy don't trust - with good reason- and you sound really upset

i'd actually walk

you only rate him a 7 - surely the man you spend oyur life with, should rate a bit better than that

Lulumaam · 27/02/2010 12:50

she didn't set you up, you didn't have to respond the way you did, and for the police to get involved, it must have been a bit more than that.

anywa, you say you've ruined your life, that is a good indication this is not a healthy marraige, his possible infidelity aside

deleting · 27/02/2010 12:57

how did you find out about the hotel room? did he tell you or someone else?
Perhaps it wasn't that his partner wasn't interested in the first year you were together but that she didn't want to mess it up for him by being there from the beginning of your relationship. Or perhaps she wanted to know whether you were serious before she got the children involved, but you say that was only for the first year, so she must have been around for the further three before you got married, so what's changed? I can understand you being angry about the hotel room, I don't think it's unreasonable at all and would definitely spoil it all for me, especially if he didn't tell me himself and had lied about where he was going. It does show a weakness of character that he can't be straight with you even if it does mean you give him a hard time.

MrsSawdust · 27/02/2010 13:01

What was his excuse for staying in a hotel room with the ex? Could it be that he had booked a family room for him and his dc, then she tagged along (as you say she does) and the booking couldn't be changed? Or he couldn't afford 2 rooms? Either way, it's hard to see how anything could've gone on between them with the dc in the room.

MrsPixie · 27/02/2010 13:05

I would get out now and never look back.

I have a lot of experience in a similar situation. Just move on, and quickly it's not too late; you don't have children.

diddl · 27/02/2010 13:11

I´d be tempted to get out-2 serious relationships resulting in 4 children.

He´s going to have to have those two women in his lives for a while.

This was why I never got involved with men with children-I knew I couldn´t handle it.

cheerfulvicky · 27/02/2010 13:16

Honestly I would regard it as a positive, happy thing that you do not yet have children with him. What a lucky escape you will have! A divorce always ends up feeling like a failing of some sort, but it would e a bigger failing to stay with him knowing what you know, and considering how you feel about him. I'm sure your close knit community will understand that. But really all you have to worry about is you: forget everyone else if you possibly can.

thehillsarealive · 27/02/2010 13:19

dened - please dont cry, i think you need to get a bit of perspective on this.

You married him knowing that he had issues and baggage. Did you think it would be a fairy tale or did you have realistic expectations. And I dont want to hear the "butilovehim" line, love doesn't conquer all. That is a myth.

A lot of things can be worked out in a marriage, but in the early stages like yours i think i would walk. sorry if you dont want to hear it.

This isnt about pride, this is your well being and happiness, who cares what the neighbours and village people say. You havent done anything wrong.

geez, i am harsh today!

DuelingFanjo · 27/02/2010 13:21

"secondary to the fact your DH has probably been sleeping with his ex "

is there really any evidence that he has been sleeping with his ex?

Lulumaam · 27/02/2010 13:24

the OPshusband had lied to her about being away on business but had shared a hotel room with the ex and the children, although i don't beleive that at all. i don't think his DCs were ther, or why lie?

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