Have I made the worst mistake of my life/can I fix it?

[Dened]

Pls let me ist put in my apologies cos I know this will sound like a rambling monologue...
I recently got married to someone I'd dated for about 4yrs. DH has two kids from his 1st marriage and 2 from his last partner. His partner didn't seem interested during the 1st yr while we were together but in the past few yrs she has become a major presence in his life (phone calls etc) and when he goes to see the kids she goes with them to shows etc.
At one stage I got fed up and told her to get a life. She took the text to the police and I was warned by the police to desist. When this happened, DH took her side although I don't think he did to her face.
I am still with DH but feel as though I have ruined my life. On the scale of 1-10 I rate him 7 cos he is a good man generally but he is often sad cos of not living with both sets of kids and I think he is carrying a lot of emotional baggage.
Pls put yourself in my shoes - I have no kids yet but we are planning. Am I complicating my life further? Should I clear out now b4 d little ones are involved or should I stay and try to make it work? DH wants to make it work, not the least cos of what friends and family will think of him.
I am almost desperate.

Ok, the main issue here is that you are not happy with the situation between your DH and his ex and their continued contact(which, by the way, he is perfectly entitled to have.

So your only options are to wither:

accept that your DH wants to continue to see his ex, get on with her, spend time with his children with her, and not be jealous (personally I don;t think this option will suit you)

or

You leave him.

I bet that the only reason he didn't tell you about the overnight stay in hotel with her was because he knew how you would react and couldn't be bothered with the hassle....

You need to accept him, baggage and all, or leave him and find someone better suited to your needs.

Lulu maybe he lied because past experience meant he knew how the OP would react? It's not a justification for his lying, in an ideal world he wouldn't have been in a situation where he had to lie, but I can totally see why he would have felt it easier to lie.

It is an indication that neither of them is really that compatible with the other.

and OP, it may seem like the worst mistake of your life, but really it isn't. People marry the wrong people sometimes, but you're still young, just put it down to experience, get a divorce, and bve happy you don't have kids together to complicate matters!

maybe so, but i think that as you say, they may just not be compatible, to feel it is the worst mistake of your life, your life is ruined etc is not a great way to start a marraige

No, it is a terrible way to start a marriage.

And to only rate him a 7? You should think the sun shines out of your DH's arse when you are newly married!

Dened, I'm afraid it looks like your H has a history of marrying emotionally unstable women! With the hotel room thing, I'm assuming you're all on a tight budget and this was a family room at a Travelodge? I'm also assuming he lied because he know you'd freak out. If I'm wrong on either of the two points, please ignore the rest of my post.

He shouldn't have lied to you but I suspect he's the co-dependent type who, for reasons of his own, chooses 'abusive' women. That's right, I did say abusive. Healthy, stable, secure women don't marry people they feel less than 100% about; they don't marry men whose 'emotional baggage' is still kicking & screaming for attention. I'm not being holier-than-thou here, I made this very mistake and am trying to pass on some of what I learned.

The indications are that, like his ex, you go into meltdown whenever you feel even slightly threatened. It's not healthy. For a happier future (alone or together), you need to work on the emotional volatility you might both be addicted to. You could start with Relate. Or you could quit this marriage before too much damage has been done, and get some counselling on your own.

I found out about the hotels when he went off on another night'business meeting' a month after our wedding at which he had to turn off his phone. I thought it was suspicious and decided to snoop... I was right!!

I found a hotel receipt for a past night of so called business and called the hotel. Told them I wanted the same room we had before after giving the booking ref etc. The poor guy gave me all the details I needed down to the last couple of visits and the 'king size room 'we' shared with the kids!' Besides, DH didn't deny it when I confronted him - I had evidence. He claimed to be sorry for putting himself in a compromising situation.

If he's been doing this, is it ok just because he may not have slept with her?

No, of course it's not OK to lie to you. Plus, it's not OK to have booked a family room at a 'normal' hotel. My question above was based on the reality that - if people need to stay away overnight - a Travelodge family room is the only cheap option in most cases. You are not talking about a £29 room, so my assumption doesn't apply. You don't really need telling that the phone turned off is a major giveaway.

Isn't it time you just said thanks for the wedding and let him go back to his ex???

ItsGraceAgain, Sometimes it's good to hear what you already know confirmed by someone else.

I have known for some time now that I should say, 'thanks for the wedding' and let them all get on with their lives. I intend to do just that.

I shall also be trying Relate.

Thanks a million you all for pulling a girl back to her feet.

Godbless.

Brave girl Good luck, and here's to next time!!

I think that you are right to be angry that he shared a room with his ex, even if the kids were there. He could have stayed in the room next door. You sound confused because you feel that he is part of their family (which he is really) You have to accept that he has a family with another woman and that they are amicable. It dosn't sound like you can handle it.

If you have any doubts, don't have kids! The ensuing sleep deprivation and chaos will only amplify any relationship problems.

GOod luck, Dened. You do need to a) get out of this marriage and b) do a little work on yourself WRT the jealousy and temper tantrums. Relationships that feature plate-throwing hysterics and imagining infidelity round every corner are not 'romantic' and 'passionate', they are fucked up and stupid. Healthy couple relationships, whether monogamous or acknowledged-open, make the participants feel happy, secure within themselves and as though someone's always got their back.

wise words from sgb

cut loose, dened

who cares what people think ?

this is your life, not a soap opera

let them gossip...better that than you staying in a marriage that doesn't make you happy

I know you don't choose who you fall in love with, but I would have thought a man with 4 kids from 2 previous relationships was always going to be difficult (am not saying it could never work...)

but perhaps not for you, and personally, I would never go there

good luck x

maybe I am wrong here but I do not think there is any need for her to accompany him on trips with his kids, his relationship should be with them not her, I would not be happy if my partner spent time with his ex and their kids, without me being invited, especially sharing a hotel room, surely if its all about a united family everyone should be included. Did he do this even before you married, if you were unhappy about the relationship with him and his ex why did you marry him, there's no way you should add more kids to the mix till you sorted this out, as its going to complicate things, what if he wants your kids to go with him and his ex to shows etc

I agree leamac. If the OP was the-latest-girlfriend then I could understand him not wanting to take her on visits to the DC. But she is his wife, supposedly a permanent fixture in his life, their step-mother. He should be taking OP on these theatre/hotel trips not his ex.

He has one failed marriage, with kids, behind him. Also a long-term relationship, with kids. If he's not careful he will have another failed marriage behind him. If this was the case then what sane woman would give him the time of day? OP, you are in a much stronger position (only one failed marriage) and have the upper hand: you can afford to be assertive (not aggressive) and put your foot down. Discuss how you would like the relationship to go from here.

Dened - you don't sound hysterical to me, nor do I think you need to work on your "jealousy".

I do know women who need to work on their jealously. They are the ones who either stop their exs seeing their own children at all, or the new wives, who put intesne pressure to bear on their new husbands to stop them having a relationship with their kids from past relationships. The number of absent dads who lose contact within a year or two the split is huge - so the fact that he has contact, and that your only complaint is that he is sharing a bedroom with his ex (FFS - angry is normal about this!!) demonstrates you are well within the range of normal, balanced and decent.

I took your suggestion that you felt tricked into sending the text to mean that it isn't the sort of thing you would normally do. While I would reserve 99.9% of my annoyance for DH, I also feel this woman hasn't been very respectful of you. If an old bf of mine was just married, I wouldn't want to sleep in the same room as him. I certainly wouldn't follow it up with a rude text saying I would call him when ever I liked.

I wouldnt' read too much into the police involvement. Telling her not to contact him except in emergencies and you not to send abusive texts is the equivalent of knocking heads together - if they really felt you had donce much wrong, they could have cautioned you for breaching teh peace or threatening behaviour.

Your real problem is that your ex and his ex-wife don't have boundaries in place that most other exs would have. You can't expect her to do anything for your marriage (why should she) - so you need to urgently sit down with your DH and discuss your expectations. Even if he has other families, you still have a right to a private family life of your own. Think about what you need, and what is possible.

For example, she may contact him half a dozen times a day, but he doesnt' need to reply!

Having DCs is an irreversable step, so I think you are right to wait until things are on an even footing... however, if he has unstable exs, you may find that your pg will set them off again.

Only you can judge if he is worth it - good luck.

PS, you can't divorce him until you have been married for at least a year anyway, but if you do decide to, you might find the defintion of "Starter Marriage" makes you feel better.

I wouldn't go anywhere near a man who had two sets of kids from two failed relationships-however nice he was.
I'd be running screaming in the other direction as fast as i could.

dictionary.reference.com/browse/starter%20marriage

starter marriage - 1 dictionary result

Main Entry: starter marriage
Part of Speech: n
Definition
a first marriage that lasts under five years and produces no children, where divorce is expected to "trade up" to someone better

Just a quick note re: jealousy, etc. OP, I'm not suggesting you've contributed to your STBX's bad behaviour, because you haven't.

Bad behaviour from someone close to us does make us feel unstable and frightened/angry. There are different ways of handling those feelings. Like a lot of other people, it used to 'make' me yell, rant, cry, make barbed comments and even throw things sometimes. Once I started doing that I was being abusive. Yes, I'd genuinely been provoked but I was abusing my abuser. There are saner, more powerful and less damaging responses. I hope I've learned these now (I think I have).

Although I feel it's often understandable to react 'abusively' to abuse, it's not unavoidable and it's never OK to do it. It only adds to the problem. It's worth working on it, as SGB and others have said.

good post whizzy

A number of posters seem to be implying that the OP is in the wrong here. I don't get it!!

If I found out that my DH had shared a hotel room with his XW kids or no kids and had lied to me about it, he'd better not bother coming home.

Yes, the man has kids from previous relationships but surely he can see/support his kids without playing at happy families with his ex partners. The OP is his wife and he should have more respect for her.

I completely agree with Tryharder - this guy should not be sleeping in the same room as his ex partner. If nothing else it will confuse the hell out of the kids - the natural assumption would be for them to think mum and dad were back together???

I'd be fuming with him!