Should I stay friends or let it go?

[cake4ever]

In November I joined an internet dating site and quite quickly met someone who I chatted to via e-mail and then Messenger for a few months. We spoke most nights and got on really well but he didn't want to meet straight away because he wanted to get to know me a bit first and he was having issues of his own with regards to his ex-wife.

We did eventually meet and got on really well. I clicked with him straight away, even before we met and over the months I have fallen for him. I have never done this in my life so far but we ended up sleeping together even though he made it very clear to me that he wasn't ready for a relationship. It was my mistake really because he was very clear and never lied to me so I went into it knowingly. However, because I don't normally do that kind of thing casually, I have felt quite disgusted with myself, despite enjoying it at the time.

It has happened several times and we have had a few conversations where I've told him that I would like a relationship with him.

However, this week he has told me that he does not have the same feelings for me and views me only as a friend (we have been speaking to each other every night for hours since November). He has never pretended otherwise but I naively thought that his feelings would develop but they haven't and he said they never will but he doesn't want to lose me as a friend because he is very fond of me.

Over the last couple of nights I have been very very upset and can't understand why he doesn't feel like that about me as we get on brilliantly in every way and I have supported him through some bad stuff.

My dilemma is do I continue being a friend (no sex though) and just wait for that bombshell to drop when he meets someone else or do I stop all contact now.

Neither of the above sounds very good and it is all a bit painful. I am also very angry with myself for being so stupid and naive and falling for someone AGAIN who isn't interested in me. It's crap and here I am again upset and crying.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Sorry OP but he doesnt really sound like friend material let alone bf material.

I think you should walk away

Victoria thanks for posting. Can you explain what you mean about not being friend material.

To me he has got away with a shag and no commitment. He didn't "lie" about his feelings after all. If he only wanted to be friends, and really respected you this wouldn't have happened. Sad though it is, I would chalk this one up to experience and move on.

PS if you enjoyed it, then fair enough, don't feel guilty about it. You are allowed to have fun!

I thought this was the case. It's so hard because he has always told me the score so I should have not gone there really. However, even after I told him that I wasn't going to sleep with him anymore because he only wanted to be friends - he did still go on to send me some suggestive texts. What the hell is it with men? Bloody can't trust them at all. My experiences have been absolutely awful and nothing is ever as it seems. All I want to do is meet someone decent who will treat me well as I am lonely. Better off on my own I think.

Cake:-what Portofino said. A real friend would realise that you were vunerable and not overstep the line into sexual shenanigans.

Crap I think I need to let it go. I told him a couple of nights ago that I was considering breaking all contact and he seemed quite upset and said he really didn't want to lose my friendship as he treasured it very much. I'm a bit confused.

You do what is best for YOU.

Let it go, really, really, let it go. There is nothing more hurtful than trying to be 'friends' with someone you have feelings for and have had sex with. Sex is never off the cards and you will probably have sex again even if you don't intend to, further fucking up your head. Or you will have to watch as he magically finds his commitment bone with someone else and you get slowly (or quickly) dropped as the new gf doesn't like your friendship.

Believe me, I have tried it. It hurts like a bitch and never ends well. Much better to cut your losses early. Scraps from his table will not keep you satisfied and that's all you will get as this is not 'friendship' it's unrequited feelings.

Coldtits I don't know what's best for me. If I stay friends with him and he meets someone else I am going to feel crap. If I break all contact with him I will miss him. Don't know what to do.

Kat I know you're right. Did a similar thing happen to you?

Does he realise you are feeling hurt? Or does he only care about what benefit he gets from the friendship and not about your feelings?

Do what the others say . That sounds like the least painful way and you have to do what is best for you ultimately. Otherwise you won't meet anyone else and he can and will at the drop of a hat.

It may make him see you in a different light too ...

Rene he knows I'm very hurt because I told him the other night. He just keeps saying that he finds it very sad that people are unable to be just friends and that I mean a lot to him but only as friends. He congratulates himself on having always been straight with me and he doesn't understand how I could have fallen for him when my feelings were never reciprocated by him. I did tell him that that is his opinion and view on life - not necessarily everyone else's.

Kind of - I went out with a guy for 3 months or so until he broke up with me for perfectly good reasons, we still spent a lot of time together and occasionally had sex, I was content with that just to be around him (had fallen for him hard) and it went on like that until he met the love of his life At which point I got slowly phased out (fair play to her) and it wasn't until she got pregnant that I just got over him very quickly, had no choice then!

It was painful and distressing and I wish it hadn't happened that way. He also kept reiterating that we were 'just friends' and although I never actually told him I was in love with him he must have known.

Now he just sounds mean! He knows that you really like him, doesn't feel the same, but still wants to keep you hanging on in there. For sex when he wants it maybe?

Ditch him! As Victoria said right at the beginning, he doesn't sound like your friend. Spend your energies on meeting someone who wants to be with YOU.

Oh Kat that's awful. Sounds just the same as what's happening to me. Did you ever ask yourself why it was that he didn't fall for you and fell for someone else instead? I'm battling with this one and it's made worse by my lack of self confidence. I ask myself what's wrong with me which I know is stupid but it just creeps in. If only I was a bit thinner etc. I know it's rubbish but that little voice just keeps talking.

I think the best thing for your self-esteem is to step away. I guess it doesn't have to mean absolutely no contact. But I would definitely stop regular messaging or meeting and try and move on and spend some time with other people. Sorry, it sounds painful and miserable for you.

He just wants a 'friend with benefits'. If you want more than that you are only setting yourself up for heartbreak. I know how disappointing it feels but he's been honest so you need to be honest to yourself too. Try and redirect your energy into yourself and into friendships with others. I know its painful but you deserve someone who does want a relationship with you.

Yep - of course. Of course I did. Why not me? What's wrong with me? etc etc...I now realise there is nothing wrong with me, but that we weren't right together - I don't think he was looking for a serious relationship but obviously got bowled over by this woman. It's painful when you get rejected but that is why you must steer clear of him. He can't give you what you want and anything else is a poor second. You are a fab person and a beautiful woman and someone else will realise that and treasure you the way you deserve

Kat thank you for your lovely post. Sorry to hear you went through that aswell - it's feels bad doesn't it. You're right though, it's only going to lead to more heartache and I don't deserve it. I have had a lot of heartbreak and really can't face anymore so I need to look after myself. I think I'm going to leave it with him. I can't take responsibility for him being upset about it.

Cake, this is not you! The right person for you is out there somewhere, you just haven;t met them yet. Think of it the other way round - I bet you know people who are lovely, but you wouldn't want to "be" with them.

No no not at all - it is not your responsibility to take care of his feelings. Take care of yourself first and he can take care of himself.
Yes, it did feel very bad at the time, but I went on to get together with my lovely DH so it was for the best! You also will look back and think wtf was I mooning after him for?

Thanks everyone. I know I have a defeatist attitude at the moment so bear with me! I've been on a few dates through the web but I'm just not interested in them or they're a bit weird. I really feel like I'm not going to meet anyone and not even sure if I want to now anyway.

i think hes being a little bit manipulative here, he is really not being fair to you. step back and think about how you would feel if your sister or best friend told you this story about themselves? youd be indignant on their behalf. really, i would stop contact with him at least for a couple of weeks or a month, and then see how you feel about whether you want to see him again as a friend. but sounds like he will always be able to press your romantic buttons as and when, and you will in the end, waste time thinking about him when you could meet someone really lovely who DOES want to pursue a proper relationship with you.