Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Our son (warning very long)

45 replies

cantgothroughthisagain · 26/02/2010 11:17

is a grown man of 30, he has spent his life smoking weed, using people, stealing to fund said weed smoking and generally believing the world either owes him a living or is against him.

We asked him to leave home when he was 18 as we couldn't bear the stealing and lying we were subjected to on a daily basis.

He then moved in with his gran who idolised him and blamed us for not sticking with him (she didn't know the half of what he'd done to us)

Eventually gran moved into residential care with dementia and our son was evicted from her old folks flat. We tried to get him council accommodation but turns out he had, at one time, had a flat and ran up £100's in rent arrears, basically hadn't paid rent from day one.

He is now asking to come home. I cannot go through this again, he hasn't changed one iota, in fact he's now worse than ever.

I know if we allowed him to return we would literally never have a peaceful night again. When he lived at home I used to carry my purse from room to room because to leave it lying around spelt trouble. He would steal money, jewellery, in fact anything he could sell for drugs. He also became addicted to slot machines but I'm not sure if this is still the case.

Since his gran moved we have helped him with food and cash but we are beginning to feel like it's never ending.

Every friend he ever had has long since abandoned him and it feels like we are doing the same.

The guilt is overwhelming me and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 26/02/2010 11:19

oh how sad for you all

can you find him a bedsit of some sort?

really,he has to want to change,which sounds like he doesnt....if you let him back it will be a nightmare,which you now.

feel for you with this

TweedyneeCole · 26/02/2010 11:20

Just say NO.

I would be very clear, calm and rational with him and say very simply what you have said here. Sum up halthough you love him you cannot and will not abide his irresponsible, selfish, lazy behaviour.

He needs to quit the weed, get a job and get a bedsit/flatshare at the very least. He must grow up.

What else can you do for him at the age of 30 yrs? Nothing.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 26/02/2010 11:21

don't feel guilty

he is an adult not a child

we all make choices in life and you cannot be held responsible

stand firm

you can point him in the direction of professional help for his additictions if you feel inclined; I am wondering if the help you offer in terms of food and cash might be in some way enabling him to continue his lifestyle?

I am so sorry, I am sure that this is not how you imagined parenting to turn out

TweedyneeCole · 26/02/2010 11:21

orry that second para should say:

I would be very clear, calm and rational with him and say very simply what you have said here. Tell him that although you love him you cannot and will not abide his irresponsible, selfish, lazy behaviour.

LadyintheRadiator · 26/02/2010 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cantgothroughthisagain · 26/02/2010 11:29

I don't think I've ever cried as much in my whole life as I have these last few weeks.

We have tried countless landlords, house shares etc but have had no luck so far.

He came and asked if he could have a bath last night and we okayed this but asked where his clean clothes were. He apparently throws clothes away when they get "too bad" God knows where he finds replacements I don't want to know.

He has, visited his gran, the woman who idolised him, only once since she moved to residential care and that was because we insisted he went.

Dh think this is because she no longer has access to her pension and consequently wouldn't be his meal ticket again.

I have, incidentaly name-changed for this.
Thank you for your replies.

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 26/02/2010 11:31

good luck and stand your ground

TweedyneeCole · 26/02/2010 11:31

Do you think he has mental health problems?

I'm so sorry you are going through this, by the way.

cantgothroughthisagain · 26/02/2010 11:42

I don't think so Tweedy, he is quite articulate and incredibly clever at manipulating people.

I find it hard to equate this man with the little boy who used to bring home baby birds and frogs because he'd found them injured and needing help.

What went wrong? He was our pride and joy for almost all of his childhood until he began secondary school, as far as I can remember, thats when the truanting, lying and stealing began.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 26/02/2010 11:46

well dont blame yourself for a start!

my ex in laws used to blmae themselves for how their son turned out....they used to tell me to leave him!!

he's on his own now,lying and stealing his way through 'life'

you say he visited gran because you insisted? so he does have some sort of conscience.

where is he living now?

cantgothroughthisagain · 26/02/2010 11:49

I don't know, he turns up here every day and asks us to fill his flask with a hot drink and sometimes to charge his phone so I've a feeling he might be living rough or in a squat perhaps.

OP posts:
ADifferentMe · 26/02/2010 11:56

AlAnon are a great help in this type of situation. I met a father who was living through a similar one at a meeting I went to. They're not just dealing with alcohol, quite a few people were there because of drug problems with children.

Best of luck.

GypsyMoth · 26/02/2010 11:59

i would ask him

does he have brothers or sisters?

i would be making him feel ashamed and perhaps tell him that if you dont see an effort from him soon,then the flask filling will have to stop as well. you dont need this!

TweedyneeCole · 26/02/2010 12:04

Is he happy? I mean, how does he see himself and his life?

It sounds as though drugs/drink have had a terrible, detrimental effect on him. has he ever sought help for this?

This must be so awful for your and your DH .

dreamingofsun · 26/02/2010 12:08

there was quite a long piece in the daily mail a few weeks ago which sounded quite similar to your situation. boy living at home stealing to fund a drugs habit and blaming everything on everyone else and taking no responsibility. the paretns threw him out and evenutally the boy/man got to rock bottom and then decided to get help and cut the drugs habbit. after a while he got his act together and they eventually let him return home and he got a job. you might be able to find the piece in the daily mail archives.

kittyonthebeam · 26/02/2010 12:12

Please sweetheart, do not blame yourself for this!! He is a grown man, as others said, making his own choices. I am very sorry for you and it must be so hard but however he changed has nothing to do with you. Friends he made, lifestyle choices he made, drugs he took have formed him into who he is now.

Say no, be brave. Don't feel guilty for HIS choices!

victoriascrumptious · 26/02/2010 12:20

You have to stop helping him. Of course you know don't you that if you help him get somewhere to live/let him move in with you or help him out financially he'll fuck it up again.

I think perhaps you need to draw a line in the sand for your own sanity. Nobody would blame you.

My heart goes out to you OP.

cantgothroughthisagain · 26/02/2010 12:21

We are trying to be strong, thank god we have each other.

We have 2 dd's as well, they both work hard and pay their own way in life. I think thats what makes this so difficult to understand.

Why him?

OP posts:
TidyBush · 26/02/2010 12:26

As has been said above this is not your guilt to carry. This is his choice.

Please do not allow him back to live with you. Harsh I know, but my ILs have got BIL (DH's brother) living with them. He is an addict too and has lost his wife, kids, jobs and house and still does not accept that he has a problem.

My IL's life is a misery. They are nearly 70 years old and retired, but can't go out and leave him alone as he either goes out himself, leaving the house unlocked or he gets in to such a state that they find him collapsed, usually injured from the fall.

MIL can't see that she is enabling him to carry on like this. She cooks, cleans and washes for him, including dealing with soiled bedding and clothes. She and FIL support him 100% financially (he has no income at all as he refuses to see a doctor to become a registerd addict and access the support available).

They have lived like this for 7 years and it impacts on the whole family. Although they won't turn him out they do admit that they wished they'd never taken him in. There really is no end in sight.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2010 12:28

Guilt is a useless emotion anyway and particularly so in this case.

People have enabled this man and with dire consequences both for him and the people doing the enabling. Do not enable him any more. He has to fully face the consequences of his own actions; you are not responsible for him. Enabling only gives a false sense of control.

If you enable him you do not help him. No finding him a bedsit either.

noddyholder · 26/02/2010 12:32

I think he is asking for help but going about it the wrong way.Although cannabis is considered 'soft' and is apparently not physically addictive I have a brother who sounds like your ds and he has been seriously affected by cannabis and it is has been documented and he really wishes he had sought help sooner He is 41 now and does seem a lost cause.Would he consider rehab Would you support him

cantgothroughthisagain · 26/02/2010 15:42

I wouldn't know where to start noddy.

How could we support him?
What would it take to get him into rehab?

OP posts:
Snorbs · 26/02/2010 16:44

Rehab will only help if he really really wants it. It will also cost a lot of money (my ex was in rehab for a while for alcoholism and it cost about £1,000 a week, and we're not talking The Priory either). And the success rate is not particularly promising.

The NHS can provide a range of services either via a GP or the local Drug & Alcohol Team. The Salvation Army can also help. Narcotics Anonymous is the drugs version of Alcoholics Anonymous and there are meetings in pretty much every town and city.

Until or unless he decides he wants help to stop, then you'd be wasting your time finding rehab spaces or other services for him. He's got to want to stop for himself. Giving him money, food etc will just make it easier for him to continue with his addiction and to avoid the consequences of his choice.

He's a grown-up. He has the right to choose how he wants to live his life and, sadly, right now the choice he has made is pretty clear. As hard and painful as it is, emotionally detaching from his addiction will help you. As others have said, Al-Anon (or Nar-Anon if there is one near you) can help you come to terms with this.

teasle · 26/02/2010 16:50

Any support groups out there for the family members of addicts? You sound like you need all the support you can get- must be terrible for you, such an awful postion...but you are right that you cannot enable his addiction/lifestyle, or witness his manipulations and all the awful mess that goes along with being an addict.

It is not your fault...you know that don't you?

Ultimately he needs to take responsibility for his own actions...at 30 you can't expect your parents to find you a flat ffs...

teasle · 26/02/2010 16:52

Was going to suggest al-anon or nar-anon too....but snorbs already did!