Our son (warning very long)

[cantgothroughthisagain]

is a grown man of 30, he has spent his life smoking weed, using people, stealing to fund said weed smoking and generally believing the world either owes him a living or is against him.

We asked him to leave home when he was 18 as we couldn't bear the stealing and lying we were subjected to on a daily basis.

He then moved in with his gran who idolised him and blamed us for not sticking with him (she didn't know the half of what he'd done to us)

Eventually gran moved into residential care with dementia and our son was evicted from her old folks flat. We tried to get him council accommodation but turns out he had, at one time, had a flat and ran up £100's in rent arrears, basically hadn't paid rent from day one.

He is now asking to come home. I cannot go through this again, he hasn't changed one iota, in fact he's now worse than ever.

I know if we allowed him to return we would literally never have a peaceful night again. When he lived at home I used to carry my purse from room to room because to leave it lying around spelt trouble. He would steal money, jewellery, in fact anything he could sell for drugs. He also became addicted to slot machines but I'm not sure if this is still the case.

Since his gran moved we have helped him with food and cash but we are beginning to feel like it's never ending.

Every friend he ever had has long since abandoned him and it feels like we are doing the same.

The guilt is overwhelming me and I don't know what to do.

Thank you all.

We have had text after text from him this afternoon.

Asking for money mostly, he would have received his unemployment money on Tuesday so thats obviously all gone.

Dh wants us to cut him out of our lives altogether. As he says, I flinch every time the mobile tone sounds and breathe a sigh of relief if it's not him.

We can't go on like this anymore.

Dh is on pension credit so we don't have anything like the money needed for re-hab I'm afraid.

Dear Can't...

Everyone on here is right - this is not your fault. You need to stand your ground and be tough.

If you can get yourself to a Families Anonymous meeting, which is a support group for families of addicts, do try. People there know what you are going through and can help you.

If my mil hadn't stood tough 20 years ago, my dh would never have found treatment and would probably be on the streets now. She went through the same thing as you with him - stealing, lying, addiction. You wouldn't know it to see him now.

Good luck and keep posting.

Has he ever had a mental health assessment?

Not to my knowledge mathanxiety, he would have to admit he had a problem to have one I presume.

Change your mobile number. Give him a food handout if he comes knocking, but don't let him in. Tell him he will be welcome back into your family when he takes responsibility for his actions and becomes a son, not a burden. I know it sounds hard but you need him to start taking control of his own life, and he's not going to do that while you're supporting him. Perhaps he really does need to hit 'rock bottom' before he will start realising that he needs real help.

Poor you.

Sometimes an addiction is an attempt to self-medicate. How long has it been since he had even a physical exam? Any way a sympathetic gp could do a surreptitious assessment of his mental health during a physical exam, have a long, chatty visit? It's so true and frustrating too that he would have to suspect he had a problem in order to seek help.

You may find the book 'Co-dependent No More' by Melody Beattie helpful. The Friends and Family of Substance Abusers section of Sober Recovery could also be very helpful.

Essentially, you need to start prioritising your own health and happiness over worrying about his. I know that's not easy. It was hard enough with my ex, it must be so much harder when it's your own child. Seek as much help as you can for your own worries and concerns and leave him to find his own way.

Mathanxiety, I agree that sometimes addictions are attempts to self-medicate. The problem is, though, that it's pretty much impossible to realistically diagnose a mental health issue while an addiction is ongoing. The distorted thinking caused by the drugs will usually swamp any underlying issues.

In other words, the addiction would have to be dealt with first before there can be any real hope of even discovering, let alone treating, any remaining issues.

That's so true. And hard for the addict to see there's a problem, especially as there have been enablers in his life, without hitting rock bottom. Very hard for the parents to stand by and watch the slow motion train crash.

Mathanxiety, In most parts of the country the mental heath services are so overstretched even if he did get a diagnosis (unlikely) there would be no help for him.
They'd want nothing to do with him on the basis that he is a drug user.
They only really prioritise those who present a serious risk of harm to themselves or others.

So sad -- a pity you really need resources to go private if you fall somewhere short of desperate, but still maybe could do with help.

OP my xp is currently in rehab (the priory). He's there because his parents are paying after I made a huge fuss about the state he was in, and about his mother giving him a virtually monthly income.

None of us actually realised the state he WAS in, including me, because he got through life okay on the face of it...holding down a job, buying a house etc, being a dad. In fact, he had been extraordinarily deceptive and things were absolutely desperate.

Until eighteen months ago it seemed as though he just had a problem with smoking cannabis. Since then it's been a series of depressing discoveries - first that he was also taking massive quantities of codeine. He went to his GP who said she would put him on a withdrawal programme. In fact, she increased and increased his prescription till he was taking 900mg/day. Then he was topping this up by buying dozens of packets of nurofen plus from the chemist.

Then, during the period in early January when I decided to do some plain talking to his parents about adopting a coordinated approach to helping him (which would include not facilitating his habit by giving money) he confessed he had also started smoking heroin - incidentally, his mother knew this and told no-one.

Back to GP to demand better help as he had started breaking down and saying he was suicidal by this point - he was on lists for this that and the other drug service and had been for months. He was also receiving drug counselling for a couple of years which seemed to perpetuate a depressive 'looking back' at everything that had gone wrong in his life.

The NHS were useless and irresponsible - we were met with blank faces and absolutely no offer of help.

Through a contact of a contact we found out about a doctor at the priory who we paid for a consultation with. He's in there for a month now after his parents paid half the costs each - totalling £8700. There was a closer rehab that we should have been able to access through the nhs but he was not getting any further with his gp.

Last week we discovered he had also been taking valium before he was admitted.

I have no doubt that addiction is a psychiatric issue. He is very lucky he's in somewhere or he would not have survived much longer.

It's very hard but you must stop helping him so that he is allowed to reach a point where he realises he needs help.

For some people that realisation will only strike when they are quite literally close to death.

You cannot give him money - if you do, you are paying for his drugs, pure and simple. You can't find him somewhere to live, or, harsh as it sounds, do the little things that allow him to get from day to day. Unless he reaches a brick wall he will never stop and may end up killing himself.

however much I agree with all that said don't feel guilty, leaving him to be homeless and if something happened to him you would feel guilty wouldn't you? Perhaps you could give him 12 weeks to clean up and then home for a bit or home for four weeks or something.

The problem with that is that you can never trust an addict. How would they know if he was cleaning up his act in the 12 weeks? He would more than likely just become more adept at hiding what he's doing.

People with addictions can be so clever and deceptive about getting what they want, and manipulating those around them.

I would be more worried about what might happen to him if he's helped along the path he's on by people wanting to assuage the guilt they feel...how would they feel if he was found dead tomorrow and they discovered they only knew the tip of the iceberg about what he'd really been doing?

Giving him money or picking up on essentials when he's spent all his is facilitating his drug use. It means he never has to take responsibility for himself and knows he can spend everything he has on drugs because someone will always be there to make sure he doesn't starve.

It's so hard, but they have got to start being tough on him if they want to see him beat this and get his life back.

I would say no.

As a 30 year old ex drug adict, I know that it takes a lot of mental effort to maintain that lifestyle! He will be perfectly well equipped to live on his own, run a household etc.

I understand it must be awful watching your baby go through this, but he is now a grown man, and making these decisions himself. He dosen't "need" you to provide money, lodging etc. If you let him stay while he's still using, youmight find he starts stealing from you. (To my shame, my exBF once stole my little sister's birthday money.)

Tell him you will support him emotionally, but that's it.

Agree that you keep supporting him emotionally.

You're right, you probably wouldn't know....but you can buy drug testing kits.

I just think even the most awful children would make the most hardened parent feel guilty if they were left homeless and something terrible happened. But everyone is right that you should let him get on with it, but you can'r help your feelings.

Good morning everyone.

May I say posie that my worst nightmare is a knock on the door telling me he's dead.

While everyone including my head is saying don't enable him anymore, my heart is another matter altogether.

Dh and I had a row last night and I found myself saying "you don't understand, I gave birth to him"

Dh replied "I know, I was there remember"

This came after we discovered he has been living rough in a tent. For gods sake its winter.

It feels like I have a huge rock inside my chest.

What I write below is going to seem very harsh but I have seen my ILs go through very similar with their son and its basically destroyed them as well.

The guilt you have and feel is truly misplaced, you must stop the hand wringing. He has made his own poor life choices and he is now living with the consequences of these.

You need to harden your own heart here because he could well go onto destroy your lives as a couple too. You cannot allow that to happen.

Hi there - have been lurking and can relate to so much of what you say as I too am watching my son in a very difficult situation that I can do nothing about. Your worst nightmare is mine too and I'm crying as I write this.

Whilst it doesn't give you "the answer" as such, I wonder whether more external help and support would help you find the way through what you should do. Sorry if I've missed this up thread but I don't think I've seen a mention of you getting more professional support on what to do here.

IME, good external help is really really hard to find. It's there for the users that want to engage with it (and only if they want to) but little is there for people in your situation. IME, you need a good support network around you to help with that rock in your chest. So FWIW I:

*see my GP from time to time (not hugely helpful but after a lot of frogs I now have one that gives plenty of advice and time when needed)
*am in touch with a drugs support worker who is really really helpful (it has taken two years for me to find someone who gives good advice though and many phone calls)

• have had a few good conversations with (I think I remember the name right) Adfam
• share a fair amount with a few good friends (although to be honest I also have some that just don't get it) *occasionally talk with a counsellor who gives clear and good advice mostly

Cantgothroughthisagain, this hasn't given me the answers that I need, but equally I wouldn't be getting through it without this help. It may well be that through some conversations with these people you'll find the right way, which FWIW I think is probably:

*looking after yourself as much as possible
*making sure all family members that you live with are supported well (in my situation I had a lot of conflict at home and DP became XP)

• creating clear boundaries
• somehow finding a way to provide him with emotional support (he needs to know you love him) without you being an enabler and too much of a prop.

I can relate to what someone said about him potentially needing to reach rock bottom. I think my DS probably needs to get to there too. BUT I don't feel at the moment that I could throw him out and create a situation that leads to that.