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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what am I going to do?Do I have him back?

35 replies

shatteredmumsrus · 25/02/2010 20:42

I am going out of my mind - I was up watching the ladies ariels at the winter olympics all night a I couldnt sleep! I met dp and I got pregnant very quickly, moved in together and that was 7 years ago. I have a sonfrom a previous relationship who was 18months when we met and only know him as dad.He is a good dad and the dc love him very much. However as some of you may have seen previous threads he is a big drinker.It has got more and more of a problem over the years. All the men in his family are too so I should of known.Anyway the drink always gets in the way. He goes for a few and oesnt come home for a day and a night! Spends money we havent got and turns his phone off when he has gone on a bender.He has let me down time and time again and hurt my feelings. He has been to AA and aquarius but doesnt feel comfortable at any of them and Im not sure how long he will keep them up for.Anyway he moved out several weeks ago after another bender when he didnt come home and i flipped. He says he wants to come home and be a family again but im not so sure. I have no idea if i have any feelings for him, dont even think i love him anymore. He come round for tea just and was meant to stay but neither of us really wanted him to so he made and excuse and went. I was glad. The kids desperately want him home but I dont want him coming and going throughout their life. I want to know for sure. How do I make this decision MN please. This is hell, im a mess......

OP posts:

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 25/02/2010 23:41

Have you tried counselling to help you work through the best thing to do?

GypsyMoth · 25/02/2010 23:51

When I needed clarity with my marriage we went away for the weekend. I decided no, didn't want him back. I moved on and have never looked back

aleene · 26/02/2010 00:12

I am in the exact same position. My DH is out the house also because of drink. It has been a relief to be honest and although he wants to come back I have said I want time on my own.

I think that the fact that you are so unsure if you can continue means that you need more time too. I agree counselling may be a good idea or going to an Al-Anon meeting to talk about living with a drinker.

It is horrible - my trust has gone and I just don't know if it will come back.
hope you are okay, will check back tomorrow.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 26/02/2010 09:07

Thx all, No i havent tried counselling. I guess i have been in denial. You know - im not the one with the problem why do i need counselling?
Aleene - its an awful way to feel.I loved him so much and now everything he does irritates me.He came to take the boys to school today and ot on my nerves questioning my son about nothing! I know Im not ready for him to come home. I text him that last night and he replies that he understands and he wants me to want him to come back and in time hopefully we can be a family again.Its so sad as the boys keep asking him to stay and its hard seeing them like that. We have had lots of other problems, lack of work and therfore money, we met going out every weekend. Then when we had the youngest realised that we had no babysitters and so that part of the relationship dies and we got in a rut i suppose.Im thinking of going on a little holiday in spril with the boys. the though of dp coming doesnt appeal either. I have tried imagining him with another woman and im not sure if that bothers me either. time is just slipping away and i dont know what to do

OP posts:

traumaqueen · 26/02/2010 09:12

from what you say neither you nor he really want a relationship. If you didn't have children would you still be together?

ReneRusso · 26/02/2010 09:14

Has he stopped drinking? Doesn't sound to me like you want him back regardless of whether he stops or not. We can't tell you what to do... but you don't sound much like you want him back. It is sad for the children, but that is not a good enough reason to have him back.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 26/02/2010 09:21

trauma - no i dont think we would to be honest
rene - no he hasnt, he has calmed down to almost nothing. once in the week and once at the weekend.i look at the kids and it breaks my heart.im angry with him for pushing me so far away from him. o loved him more than ive ever loved anyone and i told him that i could only take so much and i think i have reached that point

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Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 26/02/2010 10:12

as i said he came round and took kid to school. as soon as the door was shut i came upstairs and went back to bed. have no energy or desire to get up. just lying here like a blob thinking what the hell is going to be my future and my boys future

OP posts:

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 26/02/2010 11:44

am i that boring people dont reply - i guess i am what else is left to say. I have managed to drag myself in the hower. THats an achievement lately

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GypsyMoth · 26/02/2010 11:50

well its no good letting yourself get all depressed is it?

you need to be fit and well...dc need you.

you need a decision one way or another....i think a break,change od scenery etc would do you good...and a chance for a glimpse of how life without him could be

you dont need him...i left my abusive ex 5 years ago,with our 4 dc....found someone new and had a dc with him....there is a new life out there,dont give up on yourself

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 26/02/2010 12:27

thx

OP posts:

ReneRusso · 26/02/2010 16:16

Shattered, you are not boring, it sounds to me like you are depressed. This whole situation is getting you down, quite understandably. I think your idea of planning a holiday for April is a good one, it will give you something to look forward to. Could you think of something nice to do this weekend that would be fun like a trip out somewhere with your boys? Or could you arrange to see a friend and get DP to look after the children for a bit? I hope things look brighter soon.

Blu · 26/02/2010 16:25

There is no point in him coming home unless he has successfully dealt with his destructive drinking - actually dealt with it, not just said he will - and you know for sure that you want him back.

I would tell him that if he stops drinking and can show that he has stopped, and has the monmey under control too, THEN and only then, will ou consider counseling - and as a result of that you may feel you can get back together.

But you would have no obligation - if you still didn't want him, well, that's your perogative.

Atm you can only judge given the way is now, you may or may not feel differentl if he showed his committment by putting serious effort and personal investment into saving his marriage and family.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 27/02/2010 18:35

i no. the problem is he keeps popping round and i just want to be on my own.we all went to the footy today and he tried to hold my hand and i just didnt want to. i think i dont love him anymore

OP posts:

Heated · 27/02/2010 18:42

Imo you should be with someone because you want to be, that you delight in each other, not because you are a bit lonely without another adult in the house.

And in that time he has left the house has he made any attempt to address his issues or convince you he is taking proactive steps? Otherwise you are just in for more of the same but knowing you have settled for it - no wonder that thought is depressing.

Imo - and that's all it is - I think you should be planning exciting adventures that don't include him and that make your life 100% better.

He's responsible for him.

Anniegetyourgun · 28/02/2010 08:23

Of course you don't feel like holding his hand as long as you know Lady Alcohol is holding his other hand. Right now he isn't your partner, he's hers. Blu's advice from Friday is really the bottom line: he deals with the drink or there is no "us".

And yes, that not wanting to get up, feeling you should have a medal for managing to have a shower, that's a classic sign of depression. Emotional exhaustion, I'd call it. If it persists you should consider having a word with the GP, but at the moment the best prescription is likely to be time out from DP.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 28/02/2010 10:43

thanks your all so right. Im fighting with that emotion of how nice dp can be and the amazing times we have had but reality is a different matter.friday was a bad day but i have picked myself up and feel slightly brighter and have a clearer mind. I have said to him before you either stop drinking or wer over, he doesnt do ultimatums. So I guess that it then i am single and we have no future. The kids love him so much and i only wish i could, he told me he loved me yesterday and i didnt respond

OP posts:

clam · 28/02/2010 11:01

What do you mean, "he doesn't do ultimatums?" Tough, for him. That's the bottom line for you.
Why should he come back? Nothing's changed since he left. He's still drinking, you still have ambivalent feelings towards him. It's more than possible that your boys will settle down a bit and stop asking for him to stay if you make the firm and final decision that it's over. Then you can all move on.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 28/02/2010 15:07

his words not mine. i said well you will have to live with that and know that you have chose drink ovre your family. i think he really elieves that he can control it. hes kidding himself. he will for a bit then it all goe 'tits up' and im not gonna risk that again

OP posts:

MIFLAW · 28/02/2010 23:10

Every time he drinks the same thing is going to happen.

How do you feel about that?

There's your answer.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 01/03/2010 13:15

I know - he doesnt go on these bender every time he goes out. Maybe once every 6 months he goes out and doesnt come back. Your right tho I cannot stand him when he has a drink, I cannot even look at him when he has, I guess its over hey.

OP posts:

MIFLAW · 01/03/2010 13:26

Well, it's over if you don't like that near-certainty.

You've never really explained why he doesn't feel "comfortable" in help groups and whether you can be bothered any more to make him try again?

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 01/03/2010 19:13

He has drained me over the years and i have nothing left to give.He will go to these groups for a couple of weeks and then nothing! He has been to these groups and said he doesnt like them, he feels he is too young and leaves there feeling depressed.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 01/03/2010 19:17

Nothings going to change here...... It's either leave or put up with it and make the best life you can

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 01/03/2010 19:38

i know, i keep thinking 'was it really that bad'?

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