what am I going to do?Do I have him back?

[shatteredmumsrus]

I am going out of my mind - I was up watching the ladies ariels at the winter olympics all night a I couldnt sleep! I met dp and I got pregnant very quickly, moved in together and that was 7 years ago. I have a sonfrom a previous relationship who was 18months when we met and only know him as dad.He is a good dad and the dc love him very much. However as some of you may have seen previous threads he is a big drinker.It has got more and more of a problem over the years. All the men in his family are too so I should of known.Anyway the drink always gets in the way. He goes for a few and oesnt come home for a day and a night! Spends money we havent got and turns his phone off when he has gone on a bender.He has let me down time and time again and hurt my feelings. He has been to AA and aquarius but doesnt feel comfortable at any of them and Im not sure how long he will keep them up for.Anyway he moved out several weeks ago after another bender when he didnt come home and i flipped. He says he wants to come home and be a family again but im not so sure. I have no idea if i have any feelings for him, dont even think i love him anymore. He come round for tea just and was meant to stay but neither of us really wanted him to so he made and excuse and went. I was glad. The kids desperately want him home but I dont want him coming and going throughout their life. I want to know for sure. How do I make this decision MN please. This is hell, im a mess......

Shattered

A lot of people think like that.

Reassure yourself with the thought that it is a pointless question.

However bad it was, it will get worse. And worse. And then worse.

Tell you what, Shattered: You won't feel half as shattered when you're on your own with the kids. You've had the life sucked out of you by all this.

Fine, if you don't feel you want him back - don't take him back. There's no law that says you have to.

There's also nothing to be scared of being on your own with the DC's. Life can be a lot more peaceful, if anything......

ah thankyou lemony, your right. Im still at that unsure stage. Met him for lunch today and he said we need to put our cards on the table and talk. Something I havent been able to do yet with him as ive been too anygey. He said the longer we leave this the further we will drift and he loves me and the kids dearly and wants to se us happy. I however and really confused and was awake from 3am til 6am this morning and called in sick to work today.He said neither of us are happy and the benefits outweigh the negatives. Oh god im even boring myself now - sorry

You could spend the next 3-5 years going back and forth with him and with still the same poor outcome (and with you and your children further emotionally harmed because of this drunk in their lives. They do not need alcoholism in their young lives and neither do you).

His primary relationship first and foremost is with drink. This will always come first to him. Your children and you are a dim and distant second to the alcohol.

All he wants to do is for you to keep enabling him as you have done to date. You are his enabler - that is the benefit to him but for you there is no benefit at all.

You need to get off this merry go around of alcoholism as much as he does; the whole family unit need help and treatment when it comes to alcoholism.

Put you and yoru children first for a ahcnage; take all your focus off him and concentrate on your own selves instead.

You probably still feel very responsible for him; you are NOT responsible for him and his actions. Only your own.

If you have not contacted Al-anon to date I would suggest you do so. You need their support.

He will likely be never ready to face up to his alcoholism. There are truly no guarantees here; he could lose everything and he could still drink.

the truth is no one knows that answer, im just scared of not trying again. Ifs and buts hey

You wrote originally:-

"He has been to AA and aquarius but doesnt feel comfortable at any of them and Im not sure how long he will keep them up for".

I think the answer's in the above tbh but you're having difficulty in facing this head on as well. He will likely never face up completely to his alcoholism. In the meantime too he is more than happy to drag you all down with him.

You and he are both imparting your children damaging lessons; lessons they will perhaps only act out in adulthood and when they form their own relationships. This is truly no legacy to leave them. They will not ultiamtely thank you for staying with him and they could even accuse you subsequently of putting him before them.

He will keep flitting in and out of the childrens' lives if you carry on like this. You have to call a definate halt to this; this could go on indefinately otherwise.
Someone has to act decisively here and it needs to be you.

Shattered Attila speaks an awful lot of sense - and I concur with what she says. I have been in a very similar situation to you and believe me, the peace I got once I'd taken charge and dealt with the situation was immense....

i know orry to be an idiot and a wuss

thats 'sorry'