Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would quite like to get it all off my chest. This is probably the only place I can do that today.

45 replies

itsmeitsmeolord · 25/02/2010 11:48

DP is selfish, always has been. He talks the talk about being a devoted father but in reality he is fucking lazy, I don't think he really cares for me much either. Its something we have argued about before and he strenuously denies there is a problem, in fact he calls me "mental", tells me I'm a nutter and I'm just like his ex etc etc.

I have no printed baby photos of my dd, her bio father broke in when she was about 2.5 and pissed all over my belongings including the photo albums, set fire to other bits, you get the picture I guess.
I had a usb stick with alot of the photos on, dp asked one night if he could put them onto an external hard drive so that he could use the stick for work.
When we went to get the photos off to print them about a year later we found it had corrupted and couldn't be read.
I was absolutely gutted, he promised he could recover the photos, it has been a year sonce then. I have asked so many times for him to look at it, he told me the more I asked the longer he would take....
I even asked for him to do it for christmas rather than buy me anything. He refused.
On Sunday he agreed to get the software out and sort it, when i asked him if it had worked he went into a rant asking me where the power leads were.
I was like this Didn't really know what he was on about, power leads??

I went upstairs, I knew it was a diversion tactic because he wanted to watch the football.
Monday came and went, he told me he was popping out to drop some bits to his brother (5 mins away).
He didn't come home till after midnight.
He also befriended a woman on his facebook that evening whilst he was out that I have never met or heard of before. I know all his friends and have no issue with female friends.
On Tuesday, he called me at work, he was being really rude, I said I would talk to him later as I felt he was looking for a row, he then accused me of having affairs, he called me a slag and a cunt, apparently his justification was that one of the people on my facebook page ( a married bloke I went to school with) had posted a new profile photo of himself without a tshirt on...

I decided it would be better to delete my profile, facebook is pretty pointless really unless your family are distant etc. When I went to delete it I found that he had deleted me from his list.

He is not speaking to me, he has told me to fuck off and get hold of someone else as I don't want to be with him blah blah.

Today I have found out that he went out on Monday, it wa a preplanned night out and this woman was there, she took a liking to him, I don't know any more than that.

This isn't the first time he has been at the very least indiscrete with someone else. He told me a while ago he was going to a football match with a couple of blokes, it was an evening match with a sit down meal, drinks etc. He was really excited, I later found out he went with a woman and it was just the two of them. She is a sales rep who visits his workplace.

I'm so fed up and tired of it all. I've got an assignment due in tomorrow, there isn't really anyone in real life to talk to today and this post is all jumbled up and crappy, there's loads more but I wouldn't know where to start.

Feel free to send virtual bacon sarnies and tea this way.

OP posts:
ConnorTraceptive · 25/02/2010 11:53

Seriously what's in it for you if you stay with this bloke?

Does he make you happy in anyway at all???

Alambil · 25/02/2010 11:54

why are you with him?

chickensaresafehere · 25/02/2010 11:56

Get rid!!!

Mummiehunnie · 25/02/2010 11:58

My ex would not give me my kids photos' he had years of them on memory sticks when he left, he does not care!

I think the thing is when you are low people like your ex's abuse you hun, you need to look at why you allow people to treat you like this, you deserve so much better, but you need to know that from inside x

mrsboogie · 25/02/2010 11:58

Oh you poor thing!

have some tea and virtual cake.

If I were you I would dump him and get in first. He is clearly looking for a woman to leave you for.

He is a useless lying piece of shit, I'm sorry. He is of no benefit to you at all.

Why don't you take the USB stick into a computer place and get them to sort it? - he probably can't anyway.

I think its time to pack his bags love, you and your DD are worth more than this.

And then you really really need to work on your self-esteem - you would not be putting up with this useless tosser and his appalling behaviour unless it was in dire need of serious repair.

itsmeitsmeolord · 25/02/2010 11:58

I don't think I am with him now, he told me we are over when he was ranting at me.

Really really fed up. We have been together 6 yrs, dd calls him dad, I am very involved with dsd.
It's going to be awful for both kids.
The house is just in his name so financially I am fucked even though I pay all the bills and half the mortgage. I even buy all the food.

Sigh. Really hacked off.

OP posts:
RockinSockBunnies · 25/02/2010 11:59

Why are you with someone who treats you so badly and with so little respect? He calls you a slag and a cunt, fails to do anything to recover photos that are precious to you, deletes you from facebook and lies about meeting other women. He sounds like a complete fuckwit.

Has he always been like this? How long have you been together?

mumblechum · 25/02/2010 11:59

Good god he sounds like a total tosser.

Do you have kids with him?

Is the house in your name?

Do you want HP sauce on your bacon butty?

itsmeitsmeolord · 25/02/2010 11:59

True, self esteem is rock bottom. My two closest friends seem to have decided that three is a crowd so I'm feeling pretty shit all round at the moment.

OP posts:
itsmeitsmeolord · 25/02/2010 12:00

Tomato sauce please.

OP posts:
MathsMadMummy · 25/02/2010 12:01

sends bacon sarnie, tea and hugs

Yikes, I'm not surprised you feel so rubbish.

What's making you stay with this guy? I only have this thread to go by but he sounds like a total fuckwit. If he's a rubbish dad AND a rubbish partner you need to be rid of him. After what you went through with DDs bio father you deserve someone to make you and DD happy.

In the meantime can you ask him to stay somewhere else? (I've heard too often of the woman leaving and coming back to find the locks changed ). Or even to be more practical can you get some time alone to do your assignment today? I find throwing myself into studying pretty helpful.

sends second round of bacon sarnie, tea and hugs

3m

ConnorTraceptive · 25/02/2010 12:02

Get a computer specialist round to retrieve the photos then leave. Honestly lifes to short and from you'ver posted this man doesn't care about you much if at all (sorry I know that's harsh but you deserve so much more)

Monty100 · 25/02/2010 12:02

Itsmeolord - get some fight in you woman!

He's appalling.

Hope that doesn't sound brusque.

SawneyBeane · 25/02/2010 12:03

What a bottom-feeding fucknugget he sounds.

Please dump his arse.

Rhubarb · 25/02/2010 12:04

Wow.

You and your dd deserve so much better than this, you know that don't you? This man is just as abusive as your ex and the reason he is being this abusive is because you are letting him get away with it.

What is your dd picking up from this about relationships? I'm sure your dp must have some good points, perhaps that is what you are focusing on. But atm his bad points far outweigh any good ones he might have.

He has not done the one thing you have asked him to do. Possibly because he can't do it and just doesn't want to admit that.

He has called you unforgiveable names with no justification.

He has cheated on you and to alleviate his guilt he has turned his anger onto you.

He has called you at work to bully and harrass you.

And what do you do? You delete your facebook profile just to cut out the aggro you are getting.

Why are you allowing him to walk all over you? I'm sorry but you need some tough love here. You've made some bad choices in life, but right now you have a responsibility to that little girl. You are her parent and it is your job to ensure she is safe and happy. Being in a relationship with an abusive partner (he doesn't have to hit you to be abusive, this man is battering you emotionally and psychologically) does not fulfil your duties to your daughter.

Make today the first day of the rest of your life. Lock your partner out, tell him to stay with his mistress. Change the bloody locks. Take the USB stick to an electronics company like Curries, see if they can recommend anyone to look at it for you. Rebuild your life. Perhaps once you start to love yourself you'll find someone who will love you rather than abuse you. I think counselling could help here.

Sazisi · 25/02/2010 12:05

Okay so it's going to be hard on the kids, but you haven't done this to them - he has

Do get legal advice because I think you should be entitled to something if you've been paying the mortgage..did you pay by direct debit?

Venslou · 25/02/2010 12:06

it sounds to me you are really having a hard time with this person. Its good that you felt able to have a rant on here.

Have you thought about taking the hard drive to someone else to retreive the photos? Its so sad that you can not get these photos. Nobody can ever take the pictures you have in your head of your daughter, they will be with you for ever.

I can not advice you on what to do about your partner but if it helps to 'talk' it through I will follow your thread. Sometimes when you write things down the answer becomes clearer.
Take care,
L

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 25/02/2010 12:06

Itsmeolord, read back your OP. See it in black and white. This man is an arsehole. You will be better off without him. You've already lost six years, do not waste any more. You don't have to settle.

itsmeitsmeolord · 25/02/2010 12:06

I've got to move out, the house is in his name so I have no legal right to be here. We are not married.

It can't be helped, it's just horrid to be here whilst I find somewhere else. He is incredibly bitchy and he has a couple of juvenile mates who quite like to join in.

I think I'll just keep my head down until I find something and try to find a way to make it not so bad for the girls.

We had a fantastic valentines day, he really made an effort and made lots of (unsolicited) promises about how things were going to change. I really thought this was going to be ok.
That';s why this is all so odd this week and utter bollocks.

I think he is trying to end this but hasn't got the guts to go about it properly hence all the bizarre accusations.

OP posts:
mumblechum · 25/02/2010 12:07

She can't lock him out Rhubarb, it's his house. If she changes the locks he's entitled to break back in.

AdviceNeededPls · 25/02/2010 12:07

for today, get your assignment done - do you have cake and coffee?
Tomorrow, take the HD to a computer place
Does anyone else have baby pics - your parents??
After that, dump him and start making plans for a happier future without this waste of space

itsmeitsmeolord · 25/02/2010 12:09

Thank you ladies, I'm at work, I've got a meeting now with horrid smarmy bloke.
Going to the loo for a quick sniffle before I face him.

Many thanks, I really appreciate your help. I'll come back to this a little later.
Rhubarb - you talk mucho sense. Noted.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 25/02/2010 12:11

Right, well if he's carrying on with someone else I would see that as relationship over. You don't deserve to be treated in this way, you've done nothing wrong.

I would get out. Can you not stay with a friend or relatives? Call the council and tell them that your partner is insisting you leave the house with your dd and you need to be re-housed. Call Housing Associations too. Insist that you are re-homed somewhere safe as you are on your own with your dd, that way you might not get dumped on a grotty estate.

Get independent and self-reliant and perhaps things will change for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/02/2010 12:16

Of course he wants to end it. This relationship died a long time ago and you did not see it coming. I don't really want to consider the alternative that you chose to ignore the red flags (you write that he has always been selfish).

You need to closely examine your own self here - how have you managed to choose two partners so badly?. Often it is linked to your own past in childhood.

At the very least you must seek legal advice re your admittedly precarious legal and financial position as you have paid half the mortgage. Do you have document evidence of this?.

You should consider counselling for your own self to rebuild your own sense of self worth and esteem as clearly it is through the floor currently.
One day where he is actually nice to you (i.e valentines day) is not going to cut it - what about all the other days when he has treated you like something you stepped in. Abusers operate in a circle - they can do nice and nasty no problem.

Both your ex and now this twunt have conditioned you to accept this abuse so that you end up going along with it. You did make some bad choices in men and now you are faced with the consequences of such poor decision making.

However, you now owe it to your own self as well as your DD not to perpetuate all the mistakes.

stealthsquiggle · 25/02/2010 12:17

How about these people? (data recovery people specialising in USB)

(sorry - focusing on the practical because the rest is too complicated - listen to Rhubs!)