Should I go back "home" just the children and me?

[bottombunk]

I am in such a dilemna and really NEED some advice. I am going mad thinking about this - literally.

In brief I moved abroad to my DH´s homeland when I was pg with DS1. I have since had DS2 9 months. Without exaggeration I have HATED living here since day one, I have tried to make the most of it, see the positives, make friends etc etc all this to no avail. I have now got to the point where my confidence has hit rock bottom, I rarely go out and I am probably depressed. All of this affects the way I treat DH and our children.

Anyway as a compromise we decided to buy a small flat back in the UK a sort of holiday home if you like, a place to go regularly and spend longer periods in the summer. The sale is progressing as I type and I am getting severe cold feet, I feel I am just kidding myself that having a place will make any difference when deep down I just want to go back permanently.

I am now thinking of pulling out (no easy task as we are almost at exchange of contracts) of going back on my own with the children and renting somewhere. I know this would create damage to my marriage and to the relationship between DH and our children but I just don´t know what else to do. Living here is affecting me so much, I just want to disappear.

Can anyone advise me I feel I am going to crack up.

Oh gawd, that's awful.

Obvious question but how does your DH feel? Have you discussed all this with him?

He must know how down you are about living abroad. Have you discussed moving back as a family?

I'm sure there's more to it, but wouldn't it actually be quite good for you to have a 'holiday' home here, that you could bolt to if you needed to?

What do your family and friends at home think? Sorry to bombard you with q's.

Would your marriage break up?
Are you prepared for that?
Would your husband actually let you take his children back?
Are the questions you need to ask yourself.

FWIW, I'm in Italy, dp's homeland, and I hate every second of every day. But, for now, it's the best place for my daughter to be growing up. I know if push came to shove, and I know one day it will...that he would come with me to the UK, just as I also know he probably wouldn't last 6 mths.

MZ - Thnaks for your reply. Yes DH knows exactly how I feel and he hasn´t ruled out going back but only if the right job came up. He isn´t prepared to give his job up without having one to go to and I can´t blame him for that. And at the moment he isn´t really prepared to look for a new job ans he´s still "learning" with the one he has now.

The funny thing is I don´t have a huge family back in the UK, just me Mum and her health isn´t great so that´s something else to consider. I can´t really talk to her about this as she would be very biased towards me going back. My friends back home all advisee against doing what I propose as they know DH and know that it would devastate him

Bucharest - thanks to you too. DH would let me take his children back Of course he wouldn´t be happy but I know he wouldn´t stop me, but could I really live with myself after that knowing I had split up the family, explaining to eldest DS why he doesn´t see his Daddy every day etc I don´t know what would be worse...

I dunno. If you are unhappy with your life and your DH knows this, then is it really you that is 'splitting up the family' if you do what you need to be happy?

What would he actually think/ do if he thought you might move away and take the kids with you?

You both have responsibility for keeping the family together, it's not just you who has to compromise to do this.

I have a few questions for you OP, since I lived abroad for a year and a half and when I returned to the UK I found it a huge anti-climax. I wish now that I hadn't made a such a 'final' decision by returning so completely (gave all my stuff away, had big leaving party, packed in my job, made arrangements to return to my old flat in London etc) and that I had left myself plenty of options for returning if I wanted to.

I was in Australia.

So my questions are (if you feel able to answer them): where are you? How long have you been there? Have you returned to the UK yet and thought carefully about it feels to be back 9ie back for a longish period not just an exhilarating couple of weeks say)

Are there problems in your marriage that are unresolved and you see returning 'home' as the answer?

It is a very drastic move - to return with your children and risk your marriage and their stability.

Living abroad can be very stressful. Many many people take years before they can settle. You need to think carefully and know that you are making the right decision.

bottombump, I am not sure of your specific situation, but one note of caution. If you take the children back to the UK without your husband's consent, I think technically he could oblige you to bring them back to his homeland.
All sorts of legal wrangles could ensue. So I think that the best thing would be if you and he could agree on the best course of action, rather than you 'run off' with the children.
Apologies if this isn't what you meant. And big hugs for the upset you're clearly going through.

Where are you OP?

I´m also abroad & tbh have not settled as well as I could.

But when I visit UK, as a previous poster said, an anti climax & I find myself feeling as if I don´t belong there either.

Certainly the town where my Dad Ils & friends are isn´t that great so here with husband & children is the lesser of the two evils.

Kids love school & have a lot of freedom.

There are things I love about here.

Unlikely - I have no probs answering your Qs. I am in Spain and have been here for over 3 and a half years so long enough to say I have given it a good enough go...I think...
I have been back to the UK on several occasions, especially when I had just DS1. I would love to be able to say that at the end of each trip back I was glad to be leaving but I never was and I dreaded coming back here. I haven´t been back since DS2 was born last Spring. I understand what you mean about it being an anti-climax but for me it never is. Although having said that I appreciate that bringing up 2 children is stressful anywhere in the world.

I don´t really see returning home as the answer to unresolved marital problems I just see it as the answer to how I am feeling right now, to my unbearable homesickness and loneliness. DH works very long hours so we don´t see him that much during the week anyway... sorry I have started to ramble...

MZ - I wonder if by me leaving with the children it may spur him into action with regards to looking for a job back in the UK. I have told him several times of my intentions but I don´t think he believes I would actually go through with it

pandw - yes what you say makes total sense however as much as I feel like just running away I wouldn´t actually do it like that. It would be with DH´s consent which I know he would give me as deep down he wants me to be happy and if this were the only way then so be it but like I said before I wonder if this would cause me a different amount of pain and sadness...no doubt it would...

diddl - yes the city where my family and friends are in the UK isn´t without its problems and some of the school are pretty bad so I try and console myself with that. It works for a while but not for long, not on a day to day basis anyway when I feel that I just cannot take anymore, anymore waking up here...it doesn´t even feel like home in my own home ifyswim I really don´t belong here and have nothing in common with the locals

I love the UK

never apologise for loving your homeland

you never hear of non-Uk'ers slagging off their homelands (other than those places characterised by oppression etc). Why is this peculiar to only us ?

Why dont you move back here but return to Spain during the school holidays. When you return to Spain it will perhaps feel like a holiday instead of a prison sentence.

Very good question AnyFucker but I don´t know the answer...
If I ever hear anyone slagging off the UK I think I would probably kill them

Do you speak Spanish? Do you feel integrated? Do you have friends where you live now? Do you work?

I moved from (my native) Norwayto London when I was 20, and moved back to Norway with my husband and 2 children just under 2 years ago. It has not been easy to return home, and my guess is that we will back in London in not too many years.

My husband is Polish, so he has not really settled here either, but at the moment we are grinning and bearing it for the sake of me. And the kids love it.

Thanks deste - that is also something we have considered and when you mention prison sentence that is exactly how it feels living here.

2010a - I speak the langauge well, that is not a problem although I admit that I don´t really talk to anybody on an average day apart from a shopkeeper and therefore I have lost a lot of confidence and find myelf getting worked up very easily. Its ridiculous really as I have a Spanish degree
I don´t work and I have only 3 or 4 friends here and none of them are Spanish. Trouble is they are work and so its diffult to meet up during the week.

Its difficult to know whether my children would be any happier living in Spain than the UK as they are too young. However I suppose they would be happy wherever they were as long as they were with M and D. I ask myslef everydya why I can´t be happy as as long as I am with my family then surely it shouldn´t matter where we are, should it...

would it be possible for your husband to commute to Spain? if you lived somewhere in the UK close to an airport he could fly over and back regularly and you could all spend the holidays over there?

AnyFucker, you do, but it's like criticising your family. It's only okay if you're talking to family. Anyone else criticises your family and they're dead.

So I can slag Australia off to other Aussies, but not in the hearing of people from other countries. Just not done!

You sound desperately unhappy - not just a bit fed up. The boys will pick up on this and it's not good for them.

So, the current situation isn't working for you. You need to look at how to change it.

If it were me, I would move back to the UK with the boys and ask DH to commute as much as he can - maybe work one Saturday (or longer hours in the week or whatever it takes) and take the follwing Monday off so he comes home every second weekend, for a long weekend. Then you could go over for a holiday when you wanted to and for as long as you wanted to (well, depending on if you are going to be in paid employment or not I guess). If he's unhappy with the situation then he needs to start looking for a job in the UK so he can come home permanently. Lots of people commute weekends in & out of Europe - it's not that unusual, difficult or expensive.

I can't see why this would 'split' the family up - lots of people live apart for various reasons. I'm not saying it's ideal - but it sounds better than the hell you are currently existing in.

Bottombunk, sweetheart, have SOOOO been there where you are... i did 3 years in a virtual prison of a life.

I swear to God, I've been back home since May, and only now are the panic attacks diminishing.

I was not in Europe (I don't think I was on Planet Earth tbh.. )

I think you can be utterly applauded for trying to fit in, you speak the lingo... I'm also a linguist, but I never learned the language of the country I was in. Pretty soon it was apparent that it would be easier if they couldn't communicate with me, as literally every contact with them was used as an opportunity to try and get something out of DH, money, or cause trouble between me and him... I swear those 'people' weren't human God knows I tried to accept their way of life, their ideas of how life ought to be lived, but it was never, ever going to happen.

There has not been a day that has gone past in the past 3.5yrs that I don't give thanks to god that men and women fought for equality for women, for our rights and independence. Something that there, where I was, is a bazillion years away from ever coming to fruition.

Our land may not be perfect in every way, but my oh my, there are places that are so much worse. I'm sure there are places that are worse than where I was living..... but you'd have to travel awfully far to find them.

You could very well be depressed. Although maybe not, I'm a former suicide survivor, and was seriously depressed for a few years back in the 90s.

I have not had any of the usual symptoms, I knew from before. The definitiion of depression is - as i understand it - the perception of aliention, of feeling utterly disconnected from all those around you. I literally WAS living among aliens, and couldn't have connected with them on any level without wiping my brain of literally every thought I'd ever had, every skill I'd ever acquired, and removing my brain.

That hell I lived in saddened me to beyond despair, lying on the floor face down and howling... not able to look out of the windows as it reminded me where I was.. and I was overlooking a fabulous corniche, with thousands of years of history... a place some would do anything to see, to live in... but everything about that place was so utterly f*ed up. I've said before that the only thing that stopped me walking into the sea was that I wouldn't want to die in that godforsaken place...

I can tell you though that although I may have returned withered (as my mum described me once) I am NOT broken, that place may have robbed me of pretty much all the previous friends I had, in that I had no way of contacting them for something like 8 months... 3 years I'll never get back etc etc, agoraphobic episodes months after getting home, but I think I'm OK now, I think they are behind me.

You have given it more than a fair crack of the whip, you have coped remarkably, you are still managing to get done what needs to be done but you have to admit that you are abjectly miserable.

I'm hoping that you are supported and understood by your DH, that would help greatly (I wasn't... he's only NOW beginning to see why I was so unhappy, and the trauma caused in my life)

I'm trying (really) hard not to blame him, though he was controlling, reverted to local, despite 20yrs of living in London, 10 of which with me... he humiliated me in front of so many people, shouting me down and being utterly, utterly hands off with DS...

If your DH is being supportive, and if he understands how truly unhappy you are, then I think, to avoid any lasting effects of your current life, you seriously have to come home.

DH will be sad, I'm sure, but you are in bits, you are potentially damaging yourself by sticking it out. If you just put up with it and put up with it, you could very well have a breakdown, and that has all sorts of ramifications.

You have responsibilities now, for your DC you have to make sure you are doing the best you can for yourself.

I know my family will argue otherwise, but I know that in that place, I was not as good a mother as I am here. I was so sad, uninspired, literally wishing each sad tragic day away. I'd cry some mornings as soon as I woke up, knowing that I had the same shite day ahead of me as I'd had the day before, and that I'd have the same again tomorrow.

THAT'S why I have the nickname I do btw. I think I deserve it.. I'll take it out and have it shot, let it back into the wild one of these days, but til I can think of a better name, he can stay...

bottombunk, I wouldn't wish culture shock on anyone, it's an invisible prison, and your only crime is to love someone from that land.

Be brave, sit DH down and tell him you have to leave, for your sanity, for your marriage and for your family. You being back home will drive him harder to LOOK for a position over here, if you wait till he finds something before relocating the family, you'll be there forever...

Post as and when you need it, I know how isolated you are feeling, don't ever think twice of asking for a chat, for help, for anything, we are here for you 24/day!

Sorry for the massive post , I just wish I could take away the goddawful feelings you are feeling right now.

HUGS and big ones at that!

I can only imagine how difficult it must be. I relocated to another part of the UK (450 miles south) almost 4 years ago and its only recently I have begun to feel settled, must be so much harder in a different country/culture/language, etc.

Maybe you should give the holiday home thing a try - if you have somewhere to go and know you can visit whenever you feel like it maybe you wont feel so trapped.

If that doesnt work, your DH could commute to Spain - we have a friend who flies from Stansted to Malaga every Thursday evening and returns early on Monday mornings. Cheap/frequent flights make it hugely do-able.

Just an aside, if you think you might be depressed have you seen your GP?

Thanks again to everybody that has replied and for all your sound advice

Special thanks to groundhogs for such an honest and heart-felt post. The situation you were in sounded utterly desperate and I am so glad to hear you are now out of it. I hope you continue to heal Thank You also for the hugs!

A few of you have mentioned DH commuting and yes we have talked about him doing that and a few months ago that seemed very likely. However I am afraid the idea of cheap and frequent flights is a bit of a myth well certainly where we are as we aren´t on the coast or in the South. We need to fly Madrid to Northern England and beleive it or not there is only one flight per day and the times aren´t very good either. It would be great if we could live near a London airport for example but it seems mad to go back to the UK and live in a city neither of us are familiar with, although I would do it if need be.

We have also thought about living in another oart of Spain but I really think that deep-down I would feel the same although I am sure it doesn´t help that we live in a very small town here that is somewhat isolated and is very, very quiet. Not the best environment when you are already feeling very isolated...anyway...

I think it is probably best we continue with buying a flat back in the UK and if need be I would go and live in it on a permamnent basis with the children and we would have to try and sort out some sort of commuting arrangement for DH...

I do suspect I have a touch of depression as its something I have had in the past and I am somebody who is very prone to highs and lows. However I will wait until I am back in the UK to see a GP there. Depression doesn´t really exist here, you are just expected to "get on with it"

Thanks to everyone again, you are all a big help

you too bb, wishing you all the very best. Come home, it'll all work itself out in the end.

TBH, I looked at it that my relationship was at risk whatever I did, stay there and suffer? no. I'd be jailed for murder.. Come home and get him to do the same, hoping that he'll re-learn how to live back in the UK again? No brainer... however, not as easy as one would like it to be.

Jury's still out on this, he got back at Xmas, and it's been awfully hard for him to re-adjust... I, at least, had sanity breaks, he was there 4 years solid. But he was a man, he was practically worshipped...

Come home, it's really NOT working for you or your family. I'd be surprised if you are actually depressed though. Depression is when you cry for no reason, a misery you can't explain nor shift. You are actually justified in your feelings, you are genuinely unhappy! So hang onto that, be strong, you'll get out of this and you will be fine. In the meantime, can you get any St Johns Wort or anything like that over there? That might help and it was what my Dr suggested to me when I got back here and had panic attacks outside..

come back home. HOME really IS where the heart is.

more hugs.. at this rate I'll be booted off to netmums...

I think that is the problem groundhogs - home is where the heart is and in this case each heart is in different country.
Bottombunk is your homeland more important than your family? I mean the one you created not the one you were born into. Not that, that isn't important. What are the chances of having your mum come out to Spain either more regularly or permenantly? The other option to think about is if there is any other compromise like moving to another country that is not a homeland for either of you. Both would be out of water and it may bring you together rather than splitting.
I have been in your situation twice now, I am from Australia am now in London via Hong Kong and have been away from my homeland for 10 years now. In my experience it actually takes about 5 years in a place before you start to feel part of the scenery rather than an onlooker or outsider. I have now been in the UK 5 years and am feeling very settled and happy and enjoying it once more, just as I did before we moved from HK. Sadly now we are having to move again and I know I have another 5 year programme to work through but the rewards and end gain is worth it. Try to keep that internal pep talk up scouring your situation for the positives. At least the UK is more accessible than my hometown and family is in Australia, thank god for email, cheap phonecalls (I regularly spend a couple of hours on the phone to my mother) and skype when I can get it going. Girls nights of venting helps for me, with other non-english, as I agree disrespecting someone elses country to their face is chirlish - and I don't hate it, just get frustrated with it. Each time I go home though now I realise it is an anti-climax and all my friends are just living the same life as me just in not so interesting surrounds, what amazing stories and memories I will have in my retirement, and what a world view I am getting. Life is not that bleak look around. Urgh sorry sounding very Doris Day there. Hope some of this waffle is helpful. Chin up.

my mum came and visited me for 10 days, life was better, i actually DID stuff! Then she went home, and despite my insistence that things would not return to previous monotony, they did anyway.

So that was it? 10 days, a small island of happy in an ocean of tears?

If bottombunk doesn't prioritise her own happiness, be brave and says to her dh that really, she can't go on living there, that she's given it her best shot, and it's not going to work, then who else will?

Dh will then know you're serious bottombunk, he'll have to look for a job over here.

We're in that phase now, it really isn't fun. Not at all, he's moaning like a drain, under my feet all the time, utterly disrupting the routine in the house.. No guarantees we'll make it out of this in one piece, but at least i'm in a country that can sustain normal life, and i'm not banged up for 3 solid weeks at a time.

Hoping you are having a good weekend bottombunk!

I know another couple where the wife was very unhappy in Spain and the husband not really too happy at the thought of the UK. They seem to be rubbing along better in a third country (well, who knows how things are with them really).

So what about looking at where IS easily commutable from Madrid (south of France? Paris via the trenhotel? Portugal??) and you move there?