Confused and in need of advice

[hunkyhippo]

Hello there. I'm a newbie to MN and having scanned the forums think that MNetters could maybe help me think through a situation. Apologies for the length of this post

I am a SM to 3DS and 1DD. I have been separated for 5 years. I was in severe domestic violence for 9 years with their father. I have had years of counselling and therapy and am ok now. My 4 DC are all ok now too. Well, as ok as we'll ever be.

This is my problem. I have not had a relationship of any kind since I left my H. I am scarred inside and out! I have regained my self confidence, but not where getting in the buff is concerned!

I think I have fallen for my eldest son's counsellor. He is so gentle and kind and handsome and makes me laugh so much. He is also 10 years younger than me, never married and no DC.

I have liked him for months but never once thought he felt the same. He is quite shy. Tonight he brought over a Tesco Double Chocolate Gateau and I gave him lasagna left over from our dinner. We talked and had such a laugh for ages and then he hugged me and then he kissed me. It left me feeling weak at the knees. I still have butterflies in my stomach and I can still smell him on me.

I am so confused. How can I tell if he is genuine?

Am I mad to think he would be interested in me, given my situation?

Am I wrong to this one time put my needs ahead of my children's? (they adore him BTW)

Am I just too easy? A Tesco Gateau!!!!!!

Am I just scared?

Any and all advice and views would be most welcome. Please help

He is interested. Men don't come over for dinner (with or without cake) unless they fancy you.

I don't see how it is putting your children second - as long as you wait until you are sure about the relationship before you tell your kids.

I think you are just a bit scared to be honest, but he is a counsellor! He will understand.

You are both single - go for it!

what sort of kiss?

Thank you. What you say is sooooo reassuring. I think you are right, maybe I am just scared. It was the last century when I last dated!

I don't even know the rules, if there are dating rules anymore.

And I think you are dead right about waiting to tell the children.

Thank you.

I made him laugh, he hugged me, put his hand through my hair and I turned my face towards him. Then he kissed my cheek, then moved to my lips. He was so gentle at first, no tongues, then it started to get a bit heated and there was tongues. It was fab and went on for ages and I didn't want it to stop. I broke it off because I wanted it to go further and I couldn't look at him I was so embarrassed so he just held me. Then I realised he was shaking. And I was bright red. I feel such a fool, like a teenager again.

There are no dating rules, except what you decide yourself.

But might there be a bit of "transference" going on here? When you see all the good things in a counsellor (I know he's not your counsellor) and are unable to see any down sides?

If you're sure he's not your Knight in Shining Armour, and just, y'know, like, a decent bloke... take it from there.

But don't automatically think, "He's a counsellor, he'll understand" (sorry, BrahmsThirdRacket) because there are manipulative fuckwit counsellors, just the same as mf GPs, lawyers, teachers etc etc etc.

Please don't focus on the worst likely outcome, btw, but do be aware of it.

Best of luck.

I don't think I only see the good things in him, he has faults and quirks (like the rest of us) but that is something that I will now think about very carefully.

I think he's just a decent bloke, but how do you know when you meet a decent bloke? Is there a checklist?

I feel he's the polar opposite of the bully I married.

The worst outcome for me would be to be in dv again and my children upset and confused. I don't think he will do that, as he said himself when we sat down "have we overstepped the mark here?"

He's coming on Thursday evening as it's football training. Maybe I should talk to him, or maybe just see how it goes?

How old is your DS? Why is he seeing a counsellor?

Not prying for the sake of it, it's relevant because it could be unfair to embark on a relationship with your 'eldest son's counsellor' and not particularly ethical of the counsellor either.

You also say your children adore him. Obviously a positive in a prospective partner but how did he come to be a (presumably) family friend, how did the shift from professional to personal come about?

I am so confused. How can I tell if he is genuine? You can't, time alone will tell.

Am I mad to think he would be interested in me, given my situation? Not at all.

Am I wrong to this one time put my needs ahead of my children's? (they adore him BTW) Yes, when it is with your DS's councellor - to me it seems a betrayal of your sons trust (not sure I can explain it much better than that).

Am I just too easy? A Tesco Gateau!!!!!! In other circumstances - NO

Am I just scared? Maybe. Also, maybe you know this probably isn't the best guy to be getting involved with.

Any and all advice and views would be most welcome. Please help Just remember - you did ask!! x

TBH (to be honest) I am suprised that your DS's counsellor has made this move on your while he is still seeing your DS. I don't think it is very professional. Would it have hurt to wait? How much longer do you anticipate your DS needing be in counselling?

I would be a bit wary of him myself (sorry to rain on your parade).

I think you risk causing your DS quite a bit of upset & confusion.

I think you risk getting very hurt when you realise this councellor is just an ordinary bloke under his professional clothes. That's not to say there aren't really nice blokes out there who are also councellors - just that when you meet one in his professional setting , you don't see them - you see their job. It is their job to be there for you, to help you etc When they are at home it's not 'their job' and they are 'allowed' to be normal people with normal needs/faults.

Eldest DS is 11. Sees the counsellor because he was emotionally and pyhsically abused by H.

Eldest DS has been through 2 sets of individual counselling and has progressed to this counsellor.

He is actually more of a youth worker kind of thing who takes DS out to try new activities, to a youth group, etc. I just couldn't think of the right description when I was writing the message and counsellor seemed ok to use. Sorry.

We have all progressed from individual counselling (and therapy for me because of what happened) to family therapy. This is with a totally different organisation.

He became a friend over time, about 6 months. It started when I asked him if he wanted me to save a dinner for him as I was saving a dinner for my eldest DS.

Oh hunkyhippo i'm getting all excited for you! I miss the days of the awkward kiss and the butterflies in the tummy. Give it a go, by the sounds of it you could do with getting back out there and having a bit of fun!

Do you have his moblie number? you could text him something along the lines of - really enjoyed last night, we should do it again soon. Kind of thing.

Thanks for clarifying hunky also hadn't wished to rain on your parade but was concerned by the potential context.

Ok, I think a youth worker in the context you describe is possibly far different to counsellor, that did cause me some confusion.

If he is your 11 year old's counsellor, then I'd feel you (and he!) ought to steer clear of a personal relationship.

If he's a general youth worker then I'd be less concerned for you wrt transferrance and your DS wrt privacy and trust.

If this is the case, there's no obvious reason to believe he isn't genuine as you know, no-one can give you any guarantees, cynicism has it's place but enjoy and see what happens!

Oh, that's so sweet! Sorry I've skimmed this a bit - I'm tired - but really wanted to jump up & down full of s on your behalf!

Baby steps If anybody understands emotional vulnerability, he should ... Go as slow as you like. Enjoy. xxx

Hi hunkyhippo,

I would like to say that I am so very happy for you! After many years of misery, and working hard to raise your DC on your own, now you are in love and it seems the situation looks on the good side!

I think you, more than anyone, know in how many ways a relationship can go wrong... but that does not mean all of them do go wrong! I say, enjoy these moments and the pleasure of the possibility with this new man. Be careful, but do enjoy every bit of it. That tingle in your belly, and the feeling of anticipation... it is one of the many things in life that make you happy, and you surely deserve to feel that. No one knows if this one will work, but sure as hell you can enjoy it while it lasts, can't you? Life is full of surprises, and who knows, you may as well have found a man for keeps

I wish all the luck in the world for you two, and for your lovely DCs. Please keep us updated!

erm, I meant 'caution has it's place'!

Excuse my cynical mind

Thank you ChippingIn. You are NOT raining on my parade. What you say about unprofessionalism I have thought about too.

I think he was as shocked as me at our kiss. He was shaking and he mentioned stepping over the mark. Then he left, nicely, respectfully, but quickly. I know he is shy and a little bit awkward really!

My DS will have finished his time with this man in a few months.Yes I can wait. My son has been through too much already and I never ever want to see that pain in his face ever again.

Oh wow, I am sitting here crying floods of tears at what you all have just said.

I think I am falling in love with this man.

And guess what, I am 43 and never felt like this before. I have loved someone, enough to marry them, but I think I have never been in love before.

I can't control it, I can't switch it off. I want this man to take me in his arms and kiss me all over. I want to wake up with him. I want to wash his dirty laundry. How mad is that?

OMG how do I explain the scars from the H. OMG he's going to see them!!!

I will take it baby steps and if I get the courage tomorrow, I will text him, or even phone him.

Thank you all for being there. Thank you for telling me what you think. Thank you, thank you, thank you. XXXXXX

ps. am off for a tissue, am all snotty!

one step at a time, if he knows about the abuse the your ds endured then he wont be totally shocked that you have some scars inside and out!

hunkyhippo, you sound like such a lovely sweet woman! Your candidness and authenticity have made my day. Let me send you a big

[[[[[HUG]]]]]]

...and by what you have said, I suspect you won't be the one to contact him first. I bet right now that man will be trying to get over his shyness to invite you to a date or do whatever he can to see you again.

Just add that you may see yourself as a damaged and weak woman... but that is not what comes through your posts. I see an immensely strong woman, proud of her children, who has managed to go through hell and get to the other side alive and kicking. I hope that man is good enough for you, because if he is, he is going to get a fantastic woman.

Thank you. I will keep you all posted.

I can't beleive how brilliant this site is. I wish I had talked here weeks ago about how I was feeling, maybe I wouldn't have drunk so much wine and lost so much sleep!!!

auryanne, you have set me off crying again.

We have been through hell and back.

And we have survived, even when H put his Rambo knife to my throat because I didn't want sex.

I am still HERE.

I am so proud of my beautiful, sweet, gorgeous, funny, clever children.

I am so scared of making a mistake and hurting them. But I also know that my stomach is in knots about this man.

And life is too short.

And yes, I do deserve some happiness.

Thank you for the hug, I really needed it.

XXX

I don't like raining on parades, I just want to be a wee bit cautious because if you tumble head-over-heels there may be some pain involved. Lovely though he sounds, your whole future happiness does not depend on one guy. BUT: if for any reason it doesn't work out with him, still think of it as a huge positive because it proves you have a lot of love inside you that horrible X couldn't stamp out. You are a real red-blooded woman and that's something to be proud of.

Really hope it does work out for you though.

AH - well, I'll take most of my rain and turn it into a little sun shower!! If he's not actually a councellor, more a Big Brother type thing, then I think you should proceed with caution

You sound really, really happy and I am very pleased for you - falling for someone is one of life's greatest pleasures and it certainly sounds like you deserve it.

He wont see scars - he'll see naked-female-body-I'm-allowed-to-touch ...

Have fun, enjoy every minute of it and remember - we're here to live vicariously share the details good news with and we're here for a shoulder to cry on, if you should need it x

Agree, it all sounds positive, best of luck again.