Confused and in need of advice

[hunkyhippo]

Hello there. I'm a newbie to MN and having scanned the forums think that MNetters could maybe help me think through a situation. Apologies for the length of this post

I am a SM to 3DS and 1DD. I have been separated for 5 years. I was in severe domestic violence for 9 years with their father. I have had years of counselling and therapy and am ok now. My 4 DC are all ok now too. Well, as ok as we'll ever be.

This is my problem. I have not had a relationship of any kind since I left my H. I am scarred inside and out! I have regained my self confidence, but not where getting in the buff is concerned!

I think I have fallen for my eldest son's counsellor. He is so gentle and kind and handsome and makes me laugh so much. He is also 10 years younger than me, never married and no DC.

I have liked him for months but never once thought he felt the same. He is quite shy. Tonight he brought over a Tesco Double Chocolate Gateau and I gave him lasagna left over from our dinner. We talked and had such a laugh for ages and then he hugged me and then he kissed me. It left me feeling weak at the knees. I still have butterflies in my stomach and I can still smell him on me.

I am so confused. How can I tell if he is genuine?

Am I mad to think he would be interested in me, given my situation?

Am I wrong to this one time put my needs ahead of my children's? (they adore him BTW)

Am I just too easy? A Tesco Gateau!!!!!!

Am I just scared?

Any and all advice and views would be most welcome. Please help

Ah, I have nothing to add, but just wanted to say congrats hunky; this thread is so lovely it's made my day

Hope it goes well, you thoroughly deserve it!

Ooh, this sounds lovely. How old is he then? [thinks firm-buttocked young man who plays football]

Life has a way of rewarding those who've suffered. So pleased for you!

Hello everyone. Just thought I would give you all an update.

Had a crazy day, 4 hrs sleep (unbelievable bags under the eyes!), then working this morning, school run, howework, mealtime, bedtime, yadda yadda.

Am now sitting down with very large glass of wine!

Anyway, received a call from him today (you were right aurynne!). Very awkward at first. Then spoke candidly and at length. The gist of the conversation was as follows.

He apologised for what he did, never meant to tell me how he felt, but has felt like that about me for a long time. Would not do anything about it because of his professional position. Shocked at himself.

But even more shocked that a woman like me would have reciprocated. He has not done anything about his feelings because he felt sure that a bloke like him would never stand the remotest chance with a "...stunning woman..." like me. (WHAT???)

Completely understands if I want to change to another worker for my son. Sorry for babbling but he didn't get much sleep last night, he was thinking about what happened and what to say to me.

I then replied that actually I felt the same. It was a shock to me too. Didn't want to change workers for my son as I think he's the best role model my boy could have.

He then wondered what happens now and suggested in a roundabout way that we remain friends until he has finished with eldest DS. Hinted very strongly that he would like to take things further after that, like would I fancy going for a meal or something, just to say thank you for all the home cooked food he has enjoyed at my house. (They were only leftovers!!!)

I shocked myself by being frank and telling him that yes it would be sensible to wait and see what happens, but it would be so hard to see him regularly and not want to hug him and then, what would happen?.

I then stunned myself by telling him the truth, in that I think he is so funny and clever and gentle and just lovely and that he is the first man in many, many years whom I have got to know and now am at the stage where I want to rip his clothes off as soon as I see him.

There was a really long silence.

Then he said "Well, funny you should say that..." and laughed.

We then just both started laughing for ages. It was then our normal banter and he finished the conversation by saying "...see you tomorrow, and erm, please be gentle with me."

LOL! So, tomorrow night, we'll see what happens. I will of course keep you updated.

And Anniegetyourgun, you are right, I most certainly am a red-blooded woman. I never knew I had it in me.

And ChippingIn, I have thought long and hard about what you said. You are so right. If it progresses to the physical stage, he is not going to be seeing my flaws and imperfections, he is going to be thinking "naked female body I can touch, Yipppppeeeee!!!"

Talk to you all soon, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hi - I'm sorry to come in with a less positive voice but what he is doing would be against ethics and professional conduct of most charities or council run youth programmes.

I think you certainly need to wait until he has finished working with your son before you get into any sort of romantic involvement with him, next step would then to be to try to get to know him in the company of his friends and family so you see the "whole person". This way you protect yourself and you protect him too from doing something that may jeopardise his job.

Agree with Eurostar. He is being totally unprofessional, seek a new counsellor for your child.

I hope you can both hold back until he's finished working with your DS, and after that have fun!

On the positive side, IF he is happy to wait until he finishes working with your DS, then that is one extremely good sign about the kind of guy he is.

You sound lovely, and so does he. Good luck!

To OldLadyKnowsNothing Lol

To Eurostar and elonline - I have thought about that, and I think so too has he. Hence his reaction last night in leaving quickly and his opening words tonight.

I hear your warning and the advice of getting to know him in the company of his friends and family. Think I could meet his friends but not family. Feel too bad about my past mistakes and cowardice in not leaving sooner to meet say, his mum.(have however spoken to his sisters, they are really nice.)

And the last thing I would ever want to do to anyone is jeapordise their job. Not in this economic climate.

Nor confuse my boy. He really admires this man.

But, and this is a big but, am feeling sooooo conflicted. And scared. And daft. With him I see a chance to feel like a woman again. I left my marriage feeling like the worst woman/mother in the world. I have dealt with all of the issues I needed to in personal counselling and therapy, but the one thing that no amount of counselling or therapy can ever help me with is the feeling of being so damned ugly when I am naked.

I know this is just something my H made me feel to keep me there and with him. But it has left it's mark. It's deep and hurtful. I feel like a freak. And that's not right. I can't be, why, just because I have had children and my body has changed; just because he did things to me that have scarred me 'there' forever.

I want to feel normal again. Is that so wrong. I just don't know.That's why I found the courage to post this here yesterday. I don't know. I just don't know.

And please don't apologise for feeling a less positive voice. I read the forums for ages before posting. I asked for anyone's opinion because I think MNetters are a thoughtful, intelligent, wise bunch who could help me think this through, because it has been swirling roung my head for weeeks and came to a crunch last night.

To BaconWheatCrunchies I will try my hardest, I promise, because deep deep down inside of me I know that is the right thing to do. And after that, if he is still around, I promise to rock the planet. You will feel the shockwaves from here.

To abbierhodes Yes, you are right. If he is willing to wait, then that speaks volumes about him, I am however worried about my self control. I have finished the entire bottle of wine (again!!!) and if he were here I shudder to think what I would do.

I think a lot hinges on the professional status of this man, vis a vis your son. For example, my DS1 (23) does part-time sports coaching with all manner of kids in several different sports and if it's just the same as him dating the mother of one of the dc that come along to training sessions, I don't see that there's an issue. But if he's some sort of key-worker for your DS, that's a different issue.

As you both know, of course.

Your posts are making me go all mushy

Look, this is your First Love, innit? Your first step into the lovely, scary, fascinating world of Dating, with your new self. Like a teenager, then ... step gently. Go slow. If he's as nice as you think he is, he'll step slowly with you.

Given your - umm, enthusiasm, it'd be a good idea to ask him to work with you on this. You don't need to compromise either your son's welfare or your emotional fragility (not to mention his professional integrity). And ... while I hate to sound like your aunty: IF HE WON'T WAIT HE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!

It's true, you know

To OldLadyKnowsNothing - his status is that of 'friend/mentor' who takes him out of the home situation for a few hours a week, my eldest DS can talk or not as he chooses; it's his call. He is not a key worker, he's kind of like a mentor. You are right, I should trust my judgement. Mind you, it hasn't proved that effective so far, look who I married!!!!!!!

To ItsGraceAgain - sorry that I make you go all mushy, I don't mean to! Maybe this is my FirstLove. Who knows? What you say is right on track. I have compromised enough in my life. Do I don't need to anymore And yes, if he can't be bothered to wait, he's not right for me and my beautiful babies.

Your judgement may have been off when you married, but see how much better it's become? He really does sound like a lovely bloke, and since you both know you have to take it slow, I reckon you'll do just fine. You seem very sensible, open, honest, and grounded; stay that way.

And, once more, the very best of luck. You deserve it.

AAAAAHHHHHHH, I knew it, I knew it!!!

He definitely seems to appreciate the gem he's found in you. I am so thrilled for you!

Take it as slowly or as fast as you deem fit. But never forget to enjoy every bit of it . All the luck in the world!