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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So would you threaten another woman for 'insulting' your DP/DH?

71 replies

SolidGoldBrass · 23/02/2010 22:23

Not shagging him, mind. Nor coming on to him, but allegedly insulting him. Particularly if you'd never met the woman in question...
Am dealing with mad people in meltdown right now and it's all very peculiar.

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ItsGraceAgain · 24/02/2010 00:13

See what you mean about not blocking him. If you set all his emails to go directly to a certain folder, you'll have copies should you need them as evidence (hopefully you won't!) Not sure what you could do about FB, other than not check it for a while - though I'd imagine they store blocked messages. Jasper's post about the police was encouraging; glad they take such things seriously these days!

Sorry you're having to deal with this crap, SGB. Hope he loses interest soon ...

Monty100 · 24/02/2010 00:16

Give the police a nod and then try and ignore them.

Re-read your thread as if someone else has written it.

Monty100 · 24/02/2010 00:20

This can't be easy for you and it sounds very unpleasant. Sorry you are going through it. They sound like wasters.

(Pressed backspace before I finished last post).

thumbwitch · 24/02/2010 00:22

completely barking thing to do - perhaps the GF is also a nutter?

Tell the police, definitely. I assume you aren't replying to any of their rubbish - keep ignoring it.

Sorry for you that you have to put up with this shit - it's very unpleasant.

SolidGoldBrass · 24/02/2010 00:24

I don't think it's going to get any worse ie I really doubt he's going to escalate to physical attack (and a: I could take him with one punch and b: it's the GF who'se threatening to attack and she seems to be thinking it's a game of some description, like literally challening me to a duel, so ignoring her might make her go away...)
As he now seems to be making wild disproportionate threats to everyone who has taken my side in an internet debate, with a bit of luck one of them will get him sectioned.
I don't want to go to the police. I really don't. It would be kind of... wussy? Given that I have always supported people's right to disagree on internet forums, including calling other people names ( mind you, I have never thought it was ethical to start hounding people across the net or indeed to send them lots of aggressive emails...)...

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Monty100 · 24/02/2010 00:30

Thumbwitch, I thought that too, that the gf is prob a nutter and could be orchestrating the debacle.

SGB, ignore ignore ignore. If you can tell the people they are messaging, tell them to ignore too.

They really might go away soon.

SolidGoldBrass · 24/02/2010 00:39

Monty: No, it's definitely him who's in charge - I have never met the GF, have never had anything to do with her online - he on the other hand has been slagging me off for years. Luckily the other people getting threatened are mostly reacting with a bit of a WTF? and not distressed.

Am going to bed now. Have got no work done tonight flapping about over this crap .

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thumbwitch · 24/02/2010 00:44

SGB - it isn't "wussy" to tell the police. I was harassed at work once by a nutter, who started sending letters to my house and who had a death list (which I topped) - people at work seemed to think it was all a grand joke but the nutter had my address, I lived on my own and no one else would know if he meant it until I had suffered for it - he had the MO all worked out as well! The police took it VERY seriously.

Challenges involving threats of physical violence are police-worthy, especially when nutters are involved.

Monty100 · 24/02/2010 00:47

Have a good sleep. Best medicine sometimes. Hope you're feeling better about all this tomorrow.

NN.

People care about you on here.

Sleep tight.

Aviendha · 24/02/2010 12:27

I would print them all out and give a copy to the community police officer for their records just incase it gets worse, then I would tell them that I had informed the police of their harrasment and to leave me alone.

Goodadvice1980 · 24/02/2010 12:53

I would defo report this and keep any further messages just in case.

You can use the privacy settings on facebook to block certain people from messaging you etc or block certain email addresses. Just lock your account security down for a while.

And, for the love of God, don't threaten anyone or even get dragged into a slagging match - it is SO CHAVVY!

SolidGoldBrass · 24/02/2010 14:05

GA: Very true. I am opting for complete non-engagement at the moment, not responding to any of the messages. The GF is a little, erm, rough looking.
There haven't been any more developments since yesterday evening, so with any luck he has either
Forgotten about me
Sent something even worse to someone else who did call the police on him
Fretted himself into a stroke and died...

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ACretinoidPsychoanal · 24/02/2010 14:10

Oh tell her to fuck off and be done with it.

kittyonthebeam · 24/02/2010 15:48

Wow, a real charmer you're dealing with SGB. Ignore but keep the messages. i would try and block him, you have enough evidence to go to the police if necessary. i don't think that's being a wuss. his gf sounds a right old headcase. hope he leaves you well alone. do they live near you? If they do I'd definitely involve the police.

SolidGoldBrass · 26/02/2010 18:48

Update: BLOODY man. My friend has now involved the police on her own behalf as he has been threatening her and telling her to pass on threats to me.
Oh this is just fucking great

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SolidGoldBrass · 26/02/2010 22:17

Bumping out of sheer self-pity . This is horrible and I keep thinking I'm going mad as well trying to figure out if I did the horrible things he says I did (I'm sure I didn't).

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mrsboogie · 26/02/2010 23:59

SGB. He sounds mental. Don't give him the power to make you doubt yourself.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/02/2010 00:11

I keep thinking, if I could prove that I didn't do it - but TBH he would just invent something else. He is mad and this is probably going to end with him being sectioned (again, apparently)...

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ravenAK · 27/02/2010 00:31

I had one of these a few years ago, SGB - he befriended me, we became good mates. He came across as a bit needy & inept, but seemed like a nice chap who just struggled a bit to make friends on his own...

He got it together with a friend of mine, which I thought was great for them both (both shy, had previous crap relationships).

THEN he started obsessively pursuing another (married) friend - someone both his gf & I knew well. She initially rather encouraged it - wobbly marriage, was flattered - then realised she was being an idiot, told him to get lost & ultimately, when he persisted, told his gf what he was up to.

The gf dumped him, & months of keyboard warrior hell broke loose - he found a wide assortment of ways to annoy & distress his ex-gf, the woman he'd been chasing, & me for introducing him to them both in the first place.

Lots of setting up of webpages to slag all three of us off - photographs of nights out with inappropriate/offensive captions as to what he claimed to have got up to with one or all three of us later - threats to contact partners or employers with similar tales - veiled 'watch your back walking home these dark nights' type threats...

I know where you're coming from about it seeming 'wussy' to go to the police (with our pet loon, the other two women eventually did feel they had to & I supported that & made a witness statement).

However, there's a line being crossed here - arguing with someone online is not the same as threatening to bray them one in RL.

It's escalating, too, if he's threatening your friend. I think you now need to talk to the police even if only to support her - this was the situation I ended up in, that although I wasn't honestly intimidated by the loon, my friends genuinely were.

mrsboogie · 27/02/2010 00:44

It's harassment. It's illegal. There's nothing wussy about reporting it. And yes, if you proved you hadn't done whatever-it-is he would only come back with something else.

Bring the weight of the law to bear on him. He could probably do with being sectioned for his own good if he is getting this bad...

SolidGoldBrass · 27/02/2010 10:08

My mate is seeing the police Monday morning, I am emailing her copies of what he's been sending me - though tbh hyper-efficient nutter has been cc-ing his email threats all over the shop (ie as I don't respond, he emails friends of mine saying 'Tell [SGB] that fat cowardly sack of shit that... rant rant rant' and then copies the message to me..). This morning's little treat when I logged on was 'if yo uwere a man I'd have pulped your face years ago. your baby won't have a mother when you die of cancer.'

I'm really not being a wuss here, am I?

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 27/02/2010 10:23

No you're not being a wuss SGB. This sounds truly horrible. Anyone, however resilient and grounded, would feel traumatised by this.

Anniegetyourgun · 27/02/2010 10:28

No of course you're not being a wuss, SGB - although I'm tempted to say you're being a little bit wussy about your fear of appearing to be one, if that makes sense. A strange man is making weird, horrible threats to you and people who are connected to you, some of whom quite reasonably find it disturbing. It has to be stopped. If it wasn't a problem there wouldn't be a law against it. I also think that when they start making threats that even mention the children, that's when it's crossed the final line up with which I would not put, to quote the classics.

Unfortunately the rough GF is likely to blame you if he gets sectioned. But then, even if you didn't have anything to do with it, she'd still blame you, because you have been set up as the fount of all evil; so you might as well do what's right.

Anniegetyourgun · 27/02/2010 10:31

Meant to add, he's even got you beginning to wonder if you really did what he claims, after having been sure from the first that you didn't. He is making you, a strong, intelligent, independent adult, rethink reality to fit in with his convictions. Stop this before you start writing hate mail to yourself...!

SolidGoldBrass · 27/02/2010 11:59

AnnieGYG: yes, last night I was saying to my friend that we thought he was loopy enough to have actually forgotten I have a DS - evidently not .
Raven: I wondered for a minute if it was the same bloke, but you would not describe my nutter as needy, inept and nice. Before going mad he was arrogant, argumentative but amusing company and very clever.
I keep thinking now about when he wasn't an arse, contrasting the vile insults with when he used to pay me compliments and make me laugh... ugh. WIsh DS dad would show up so I can actually go out and do some work instead of alternately pacing and checking the laptop...

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