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Original poster

How would you react if your DH came home and said this?

76 replies

Enchilada81 · 23/02/2010 14:34

Yesterday DH came home from work and said "have you got much tidying up done today?" and glanced around the house.

He's on at me constantly about the house. I'm not houseproud and never have been. He knew this when we got together but i do keep it respectable and every now and again I'll have a mass do and blitz everything.

But when he comes home and says stuff like this it makes me feel like he's checking up/judging/keeping an eye on me.

I feel like I have to live up to his standards all the time.

How would you have reacted? honestly?

OP posts:
gonnabehappy · 23/02/2010 16:11

I have at time been a SAHM and at others have worked from home. I do not ever apologize for not doing things around the house (not my job) but on the other hand do think him for doing stuff(suggesting he has saved me a job)!

Hmmm not easy - I honestly do think fathers should help with housework though - how about telling him you are going to take a day off....just to play with the kids as you don't often get time for that...and so would he do all the houseworky stuff on Saturday?

Might make a point?

nannynobnobs · 23/02/2010 16:14

my DH will not moan at me directly but will get all huffy about 'living in a messy house' every so often. Reminding him that we have two children and an amount of mess (not dirt) is NORMAL does not deter him. Somehow his eyes will glide over the stepped- out- of snakeskin like pile of his trainers/socks/boxers/jeans on the bathroom floor and come to rest on the open book, the pile of hairclips, the mug on the edge of the bath.
When he threw the roll of wrapping paper out of the bedroom window a week after Christmas because it was 'in the way' I stood in the garden with the front door open and screamed that he was a "fucking cleaning Nazi".

He does it a lot less now... he has his moments but I refuse to tolerate it. Take a stand, you are not being lazy, he is being a dick(tator)

bibbitybobbityhat · 23/02/2010 16:18

I would say "Why are you asking?".

allaboutme · 23/02/2010 17:44

Reads to me that OP is SAHM with all kids at school and DH works full time (think she said KIDS get home at 3.30, not her DH)
If I was in that position myself I would make sure I got ALL the housework done between 9.30am and 3.30pm! There cant be THAT much surely! Even with a pretty grubby house you could get it looking pretty smart in half that time and still have plenty of time to yourself before the kids get home from school.

BridesheadRegardless · 23/02/2010 17:45

Even if you are a SAHM and housework is part of your 'job' it is not reasonable for a partner to come home and start questioning you on things you may not have done.

It would like being in the blinking army and awaiting inspection!

Most peoples bosses, in professions, do not check and nit pick on how exactly you have spent all your time every day and what tasks you have acheived every day, they make an assumption of your professionalism and expect the overall job to be carried out well with you making good decisions about how you spend your time to achieve this.

and your husband is not your boss, even if your job is to bring up the children and run the house. Just because a man goes out to work I don't think he should be allowed to set expectations about how you spend your time at home. Unless you are asking for an account of how he spent all his time at work and whether he was ufficitently productive in your eyes today. I suspect you don't, you expect him to go to work do his job and earn some money-the minutae you leave to him.

SAHM should be given the same courtesy.

It should not be necessary to account to your Dh for your productiveness each day imo, unless you are actually failing in your 'job'.

themildmanneredjanitor · 23/02/2010 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allaboutme · 23/02/2010 18:01

Of course SAHM shouldnt do nothing except housework and chores, BUT if a SAHM has plenty of free time each day plus some on top as well to get all the housework done, then she should do it all AND THEN have the rest of the time to herself.
I'd be pretty p'd off if DH was at home with no responsibilities 6 hours every week day while I was working and I came home to a dirty bathroom!

Hullygully · 23/02/2010 18:08

What if you were a SAHbanana?

SoupDragon · 23/02/2010 18:52

You seem to be missing the fact that the OP is doing the housework but her H only sees things that haven't been done. The work that is done would appear to be invisible to him.

BridesheadRegardless · 23/02/2010 18:55

if the bathroom was really filthy. always filthy and there was no sign of any inclinatiom to ever clean it, then it may be necessary to comment on and discuss this, but checking on chores on a daily basis and commenting on lack of sufficient effort is just not on.

I wouldn't want a boss like that and I certainly wouldn't want a Dh like that.

CathyBurns · 23/02/2010 18:58

fuck him

just ignore him

Alouiseg · 23/02/2010 19:03

I would be tempted to ask if he's got that million pound bonus yet?

Quattrocento · 23/02/2010 19:07

My standards of cleanliness and tidiness are (marginally) higher than DH's - so the situation wouldn't arise.

But I wouldn't be prepared to support or subsidise someone financially to stay at home to find they didn't keep the house nice and clean. I'd feel entitled to the odd pointed comment. Wouldn't you?

Jux · 23/02/2010 19:25

Well, I wouldn't, quattrocento. If I were 'keeping' dh (and I almost am!) I would assume that he had done stuff in the day including looking after our child/ren.

If I were employing him do housework I would check on what he had done and then pay him.

wubblybubbly · 23/02/2010 19:46

I'm a SAHM, DS goes to nursery 2 1/2 hours a day and I do not think it is my job to clean up after my DH!

I do clean up when I feel like it, which is most of the time because I don't like a mess. DH once mentioned the state of the house, but only once

The way I look at it, if he lived on his own, he'd still have all the bills to pay as well as doing his own washing, ironing, cooking etc., so if he doesn't like it my way....tough.

Quattrocento · 23/02/2010 19:49

My children, in common with the OPs, are at school. Which would hypothetically give him from around 8am to 5pm to clean the bathroom...

MaisietheMorningsideCat · 23/02/2010 19:56

Perhaps you should ask him to write you a nightly list of everything that he wants done around the house the next day.

If he starts moaning that you haven't done something then you can point out that it wasn't on the list - and I guarantee you he'll get bored of writing out a list after about 4 days.

SoupDragon · 23/02/2010 19:59

" I'd feel entitled to the odd pointed comment. Wouldn't you?"

er, no actually. Especially not if things are being done and I've not aknowledged that fact.

Also, as a SAHM, your working day doesn't finish at a set time, nor do you get weekends off. At least I don't.

It's now nearly 8 pm and whilst technically I'm on MN, I'm actually on my phone in the kitchen supervising homework and taking a break from emptying and reloading the dishwasher having just listed some stuff on Freecycle as part of a clear out. My life isn't 9-5, weekdays only, thus I take time out during the day instead.

KatieScarlett2833 · 23/02/2010 20:01

I would say, "No, have you?" and walk away.

SoupDragon · 23/02/2010 20:08

BTW I'm not trying to make out my day is harder or longer, just that the time is organised differently.

MomBombadil · 23/02/2010 20:14

Tell him your life story is not Cinderella in reverse. Then tell him to Fuck Off.

HTH.

bibbitybobbityhat · 23/02/2010 20:17

Here's the thing.

Tidying, housework and cleaning are really horribly boring. And it never ends. It is impossible, even for Anthea Farking Redburn, to finish the job.

Its very very hard indeed to motivate yourself to do it all the time.

Especially when the other adult who is supposed to be your partner and on your side only notices what you haven't done.

Stop washing, shopping and cooking for him OP. See how long it takes him to notice.

dollius · 23/02/2010 20:24

It comes down to a lack of basic respect. This is not the way that one adult should speak to another, let alone his/her spouse.

The housework may be your "work", but DH is not your boss.

Plus it sounds as if you are more than pulling your weight.

"If he is keeping a roof over your head" etc. Well, technically, I keep the roof over our heads because I earn twice what DH does, but I don't expect him to do more housework/childcare than me. We split it in half because at the end of the day we are both human beings who deserve the same amount of time off.

LeQueen · 23/02/2010 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PandaEis · 23/02/2010 20:53

i had a very similar problem with my DH until recently

he worked full time, i worked part time. he therefore expected me to do ALL of the housework and the caring for DD etc while he went to work and came home. i went up to full time at the beginning of january and DH was made redundant and the situation stayed exactly the same i was working full time and doing ALL the H/W etc and he did nothing at all i tried to talk to him about it but every time i tried he became all prickly and offended like i had literally said 'you dont work its your fault so you must work for ME!' i had asked for some help around the house at this point.

after a few weeks of this i ended up basically telling him how it would be from now on!
i dont expect him to do all of the H/W or all the childcare duties etc but i DO expect him to pull his weight and not to moan about it if i forget to wash the breakfast dishes or take the clothes out of the machine and hang them up i have my plate pretty full and i am juggling alot of balls and he needs to take the slack from me as i will not tolerate being treated like a maid he has sharpened his act up significantly since and i have felt alot less stressed since we cleared the air

it is worth sitting your DH down and basically telling him how his treatment of you makes you feel. you are his WIFE not his employee and if he doesnt like the current arrangement then he needs to suggest something else or shut up