Loads of very personal info about to be disclosed so obviously name changed.
We've been married for 2.5 years, together for 9 years, planning TTC DC1 later this year.
I come from a very dysfunctional family and have suffered from depression and low self-esteem most of my life. He had an idyllic childhood (I have a lot of trust and respect for his parents - they truly have a perfect marriage).
I know it sounds corny and unrealistic but I've always seen DH as my knight in shinning armour. He pretty much saved me from a life of constant despair, treats me like a princess, has been there for me during the lowest periods in my life, makes me feel special in so many ways on a daily basis. He is in many ways all that I could ever wish for in a man (kind, funny, intelligent, hard working, supportive).
Not everything is perfect of course. We're from different countries and I do have a tendency to misinterpret him and he sometimes finds it difficult to explain his feelings. So we do have very heated arguments every now and then but once we calm down and talk, we learn, move on and generally have a great time together.
Oh gosh, I'm trying not to make this too long!
18 months into our relationship he left to work abroad. This was always his plan and even though I encouraged him to follow his dream I never really expected him to. I always hoped he he would love me enough not to want to go. I was heartbroken but we agreed to 'stay together' but if either one met someone else we would tell the other person and end our relationship.
We kept in touch and I went to visit him a couple of times. After about 6-8 months he told me he had met someone else and had been with her before I visited him. At the time he didn't think it was cheating...! Of course I was devastated, again. Specially when he admitted he had been with 3 different women in total during that time.
After working abroad for 12 months he decided he wanted to settle down and he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. I agreed to give it another try but I expected some serious commitment. We had a difficult long distance relationship for a year (he went back to his home country to save some money so we could move in together). We spoke on the phone pretty much every day and saw each other every 2 months. I pushed him away a lot during this year but we stayed together by focusing on how good things had been in the first 18 months of our relationship.
After a year we felt financially ready to move in together. I wanted to get married before we moved in but agreed that it would be wise to actually try to live together first. I agreed as long as living together would not be a long-term option. We got engaged after 6 months and married 2.5 years after that (we had to save some more!).
We started arguing A LOT when we moved in together and after 4 months of this went to Relate. He stopped going when the therapist kept on asking him about his childhood. I think he felt bad about possibly criticising his parents/family and I can understand why because they are lovely (although it's not normal that no one in his family has any disagreements).
I kept going on my own as I had A LOT of issues from my childhood/teenage years. I'm still going now. We managed to work through my feeling abandoned by him and having unrealistic expectations of a 'perfect' life.
I guess when you grow up in the middle of chaos you survive by believing that when you grow up, you'll be able to take control and be happy. I now know how unrealistic this is but still struggle. I either expect things to be horrible or perfect...
After about a year of marriage I found out that he had visited prostitutes about a month into our relationship during a lads trip abroad. He said he didn't think our relationship was serious at the time and if he knew how serious it was going to be he would not have done it. He feels embarrassed about it now and really regrets it. And so do I, as I consider paying for sex to be the same as rape since it's taking advantage of vulnerable women.
So we worked through a lot of issues and I'm very happy with our relationship. I have been out of work for 3 months now with depression and anxiety and after I managed to explain what I needed from him (support and gentle does it) he's been incredible. After some very low days (seen GP and had anti-depressants increased and anti-anxiety tablets) I've only just started seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.
I've now finally starting to feel like we have a bright and happy future in front of us.
Saturday night I found messages on his Facebook. He wrote to this girl thanking her for a great time, how he didn't regret it, etc. This happened 2 years ago, 6 months after our wedding!!!
He says it didn't mean anything, she came onto to him and they kissed. It was her leaving the country do. He says he doesn't know why he did it, he really regrets it, and it's shit timing. He says it's not my fault I didn't do anything wrong and I don't deserve it.
He had a A LOT of partners before we got together. He doesn't know how many confused. I was a virgin when we met! He used to be a party animal but I'm more of a stay at home girl (social anxiety doesn't help). Ha calmed down a lot even when we first started dating.
Our sex life had taken a nose dive since he went back to his country and I wonder if he felt the need to prove he still had it.
I'm not the jealous type and am not prepared to live my life constantly checking his pockets or smelling his shirt collars. In fact we often joked about neither of us being the overly jealous type. His friends are always telling him how lucky he is, but now I'm not surprised they do sad.
But how much is too much? I find it very difficult to understand women who stay with men who disrespect them (specially by cheating). And now I find myself in this situation... He's my dream man in every other way. There's no one else I would want to spend my life with and I feel very lucky to have him in my life as I don't think there are many men like him out there.
But is he going to keep on breaking my heart? Am I expecting to much from him? Too little?
I called his parents when I found out about this girl on Saturday as I needed advice and I knew I would just cave in and forgive him eventually if I didn't do something drastic. I needed some advice and to somehow explain to him how much he hurt me.
They told me to try to be calm (I was feeling like there wasn't any point in my life anymore) and told him how stupid he's been and told him to look after me and respect me.
He has been doing this. I had a funny turn last night (not enough food/fluids, anaemia, increased medication, too many anti-anxiety tablets and some weed) fainted and he had to call an ambulance because I didn't come round for 30-40 seconds. He's been really caring over all this and his coming with me to see my GP today (I refused to go to hospital).
Oh gawd thank you if you read all of this. It has helped me to think about it if nothing else. Although I keep on having the same questions running through my head over and over again.
I just don't know what to do... I can't live without him but it feels like he can live without me, or without considering my feelings. But should I be complaining when he's so perfect in every other way I can imagine . Am I stupid to think he's not going to do it again? I'm so confused