Please help me through this - living apart in the same house as H

[ChairmumMiaow]

Long story here, but things have been rough between H and I for a while. I thought it was normal post-kids stuff and that we'd work it out. We both had bad and good days but I thought we were still having good days.

Things got worse, on and off, in the last 6 months, but despite that, I got pregnant (I really thought things would get better, and that they were on the mend at the time). I feel like a right fool for thinking that.

H and I are both in therapy at the moment (although mine is online for the moment, I know I have to find a face to face one because its not going so well for me) and since then he has completely closed off. I have been trying to spend quality time together, arranging childcare, trying to snuggle up on the sofa and generally doing the things you do to try to fix a marriage. He reacted by sometimes cuddling back up and pretending everything was right (he has admitted that sometimes he felt like it and thought we'd work things out) and at others, completely blocking me out.

Its been driving me mad and I've pushed him and he finally admitted at the weekend that he just doesn't feel any love for me any more. I know that lots of my feelings for him have gone, but deep down I felt like there was still enough there to sort it out. I'm glad it has finally come out, but it is hard to deal with.

We've agreed on separate bedrooms, but him staying in the house - for lots of reasons. Neither of us want to upset DS at the moment (DH spent some time working away before Xmas and DS reacted really badly to this), and we know I will need help with the new baby come june. Aside from all this, we both feel that there is a chance that things will change. We're both certainly hoping for it. He's been ignoring issues with his family his whole life, and I think having his own kids has changed him and forced him to face up to things. He says he feels empty at the moment, but very guilty about what he has done and is doing but he can't help how he feels.

I know I've never been the easiest wife, and things have changed since we had DS, but I think I'm still basically the same person I have always been, so it is hard to see where everything went quite so wrong (maybe I'm kidding myself)

Everyone thinks we will make it but I don't know any more.

What I need though, is to get through the next year. The baby and the counselling are both going to change things and I figure we'll know one way or the other about things then, and I'll find it easier with the children.

We've made an agreement about what is going to happen in the meantime (which means no other people for a start) and my plan is to try to sort my life and my routine out so I feel more able to cope on my own if he finally goes. I'm just so used to us being a team - we've been together since I was 18 and our whole lives have developed with us relying on each other for what we're not so good at.

So can you help me get started? Today I have got up and dressed and put some makeup on (which I never do) and feel a bit better.

I still feel sick inside and am not eating well, which I think is what is making me feel weak and shivery. I need to make myself eat - for myself, and the baby, and to keep up with my toddler. So far today I have had a home made smoothie.

So any practical things (if you've managed to get through this essay)? Anything I can do to make myself feel that I can do this on my own in the long run? I need to bolster my confidence somehow!

This morning I get downstairs to find H has made me a cup of tea. Its stupid but its probably the only nice thing that he has done without prompting for months. (How awful that I hadn't really noticed)

Its such a tiny thing but it is screwing with my head. I know it can't really mean anything, but its odd that he's done it now that I've asked him to move out. And he promised to look for a place yesterday and hasn't yet.

Painful question to ask but do you think he has got someone else?

I have asked him, but seriously I can't see where he would get the time, unless he has been sneaking off while at work - which is highly unlikely as I am still involved with our business and I see plenty of evidence of him getting work done.

In a way it would be easier if he did, because then there would be a reason for him withdrawing from me, but I really don't think so.

Can you really imagine loosing him?

Its not the future I want, but yes I can imagine it, and being ok in the long run. The man I love just isn't around at the moment and I keep hoping he'll make an appearance, but the hope is tearing me apart. I feel like he's in there somewhere, but I can't make him find that person again.

I do want to make things work, but I don't want to push him into anything to realise later that we were just putting off the inevitable. I feel like staying in the same house is not giving either of us any space. Its also not showing either of us the realities of life without each other. It would be different if he was acknowledging his feelings but saying that was not how he wanted it to be, but he can't or won't commit to even the smallest effort to stay together.

Mmmm! I see what you mean. I was just wondering if you really don't want to lose him then it might be worth telling him you still love him and that you want to make it work.

I guess if he turns around and says no then I guess there is some finallity to it and you can try and move on.

I think there needs to be some hard talking becuase what is killing you is the not knowing part. If he is not willing to work this out then yes he needs to move out and soon.

The healing process cannot begin for you until he does.

Oh he knows I still love him and want to make things work, but I have told him I can't deal with him being here, and not being here IYSWIM.

He says he doesn't love me right now and that he thinks our issues will be too much to get over, but as he is going through his own counselling too he doesn't want to make any final decisions in case its the wrong thing. It looks increasingly unlikely though. He acts like he doesn't even like me at all.

His hesitation to sort out moving out is very frustrating though, as part of me wants to hope it means he's realising what he's going to lose - but I think he's more worried about the money and not living with DS any more.

Thats an awful situation for you though. I think it would kill me TBH.

Can you get some family support? your parents etc.. I know this is a generalisation but often counselling can do more harm than good. I know people who have been the worse for it and often shut out everybody because they have been taught to do it to protect themselves.

Alos he has a child on the way and there ought to be some responsibility for that taken into account here plus the one you have already got.

I think he needs a bloody good slap and told to get a spine, pull himself together and learn to stand up for his responsibilities.

All this pussyfooting around. Kick his butt!

I would love to give him a kick, but it is complicated

His counselling is really needed. He really can't communicate on a personal or emotional level - for whatever reasons, has denied he's had an awful childhood for years and has chosen now to admit it and get some help. He needs it to be a good father as DS and the next DC grow up whether or not we work out. I don't think he's ever given his own feelings much priority, so has descended into his own little selfish world (with room for DS) to deal with this all. He's making up for years and years of self neglect (and I think I'm even guilty of giving up trying to get him to communicate) with this, and although I can understand it, its happened at a bloody stupid time. Its like he's blocked all thoughts of me out to be able to deal with everything else. Admittedly I can be hard work, but I really needed some support too.

Financially he will do whatever we need so long as he can afford to live, and he has never shirked his responsibilities with DS. However, it is never going to be the same with this baby as it won't have the chance for the same relationship. Perhaps I'm being selfish not wanting him to stay, but I'm thinking of DS as well as myself, and while he is here I am not going to be able to move on, even temporarily.

As for me, I do have friends for support but I have so many issues rooted in the problems with my family (barely spoken to most of them in 10 years, and have been better for it) that I could never turn to them for anything. I have been called all sorts of things over the years because I refuse to reconcile with my manipulative, destructive (and bi-polar) mother. I need my own counselling to work this out.

There is blame and fault on both sides, and to deny that would not help me. However I think he has to take ultimate responsibility for the current situation as he was the only one that knew his feelings - I knew something was wrong but I never knew how bad

He's been looking at places now. Part of me didn't think he'd do it, (at least not without major nagging)

We're now talking arrangements and it feels so final. I don't think he'll come back once he's gone.

I'd had such a good day and the moment he started talking to me on facebook my stomach sank and I went shaky and weak. I was feeling so strong earlier, and now I'm feeling so pathetic

hi there, just stumbled upon this message through google. I am currently in a similair situation (although not pregnant), and wondered what happened to you guys. Did your husband eventually leave and did you get back together? My hubby hasn't moved out yet and everything on your thread could have been written by me, and I wonder if there is light at the end of the tunnel or if he left and never came back?

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