Please help me through this - living apart in the same house as H

[ChairmumMiaow]

Long story here, but things have been rough between H and I for a while. I thought it was normal post-kids stuff and that we'd work it out. We both had bad and good days but I thought we were still having good days.

Things got worse, on and off, in the last 6 months, but despite that, I got pregnant (I really thought things would get better, and that they were on the mend at the time). I feel like a right fool for thinking that.

H and I are both in therapy at the moment (although mine is online for the moment, I know I have to find a face to face one because its not going so well for me) and since then he has completely closed off. I have been trying to spend quality time together, arranging childcare, trying to snuggle up on the sofa and generally doing the things you do to try to fix a marriage. He reacted by sometimes cuddling back up and pretending everything was right (he has admitted that sometimes he felt like it and thought we'd work things out) and at others, completely blocking me out.

Its been driving me mad and I've pushed him and he finally admitted at the weekend that he just doesn't feel any love for me any more. I know that lots of my feelings for him have gone, but deep down I felt like there was still enough there to sort it out. I'm glad it has finally come out, but it is hard to deal with.

We've agreed on separate bedrooms, but him staying in the house - for lots of reasons. Neither of us want to upset DS at the moment (DH spent some time working away before Xmas and DS reacted really badly to this), and we know I will need help with the new baby come june. Aside from all this, we both feel that there is a chance that things will change. We're both certainly hoping for it. He's been ignoring issues with his family his whole life, and I think having his own kids has changed him and forced him to face up to things. He says he feels empty at the moment, but very guilty about what he has done and is doing but he can't help how he feels.

I know I've never been the easiest wife, and things have changed since we had DS, but I think I'm still basically the same person I have always been, so it is hard to see where everything went quite so wrong (maybe I'm kidding myself)

Everyone thinks we will make it but I don't know any more.

What I need though, is to get through the next year. The baby and the counselling are both going to change things and I figure we'll know one way or the other about things then, and I'll find it easier with the children.

We've made an agreement about what is going to happen in the meantime (which means no other people for a start) and my plan is to try to sort my life and my routine out so I feel more able to cope on my own if he finally goes. I'm just so used to us being a team - we've been together since I was 18 and our whole lives have developed with us relying on each other for what we're not so good at.

So can you help me get started? Today I have got up and dressed and put some makeup on (which I never do) and feel a bit better.

I still feel sick inside and am not eating well, which I think is what is making me feel weak and shivery. I need to make myself eat - for myself, and the baby, and to keep up with my toddler. So far today I have had a home made smoothie.

So any practical things (if you've managed to get through this essay)? Anything I can do to make myself feel that I can do this on my own in the long run? I need to bolster my confidence somehow!

i missed a comma after 'even if he left, me and dd could get on with things' oops

I think you need to make it something of a priority to seek out new friends/extra sources of support (for both of you, in fact).
WHile I'm not familiar with your backstory, the impression I am getting from this thread is that you and H got together while both very young and a bit damagd by your respective families, so you have clung together in a possibly unhealthy, isolated dependency ever since and never really had the chance to grow up as people.
It's great that you are keeping things as civil and amicable as you can, but you need to stop trying to think of ways to make him love you again: nothing is more damaging to your self esteem than trying to make someone carry on loving you.

SGB - In my good moments, I am trying to do that. I do actually have a small network of people separate to him - child related, but good all the same, and I am slowly getting closer to at least one of them through this, and I think we're building some trust (something I find hard).

Today I took the step of going to the GP. I had such a bad time yesterday afternoon/last night after H mentioned the possibility of moving away to get another job. I flipped out at the thought of him abandoning his son like that and had a really bad time. Woke up this morning still feeling crap and realising that if I was going to stop these mood swings, I had to go now, before I started thinking I could deal with it again. I haven't swung all the way back up to 'high' but I am feeling a bit more even now. Hopefully meds will kick in sooner rather than later, but just knowing that someone else knows I am struggling is helping.

With regards to making him love me, I know I can't, but I don't want to withdraw from him so much that he forgets what was good about us in his own journey to sort himself out. I don't want to have withdrawn from him so much, to save myself pain, that I haven't been there for him at all during what is a hard time for its all.

We're both doing things that we have talked about before. H is going to a local hockey club tonight, that he has been talking about for ages. (I went as far as pricing up hockey sticks for him at one point, but I think he had to take the plunge for himself) and is looking at changing job to a more positive environment for him. I realise I have not been as supportive of him having his own time as I should have, as I have been focussed on myself too much (and my own struggles to cope).

I always thought that we had grown up together - to a certain extent we had changed together, slowly,but I think things have changed too much, too quickly in the last few years for that to keep working, and the cracks have appeared all too quickly.

Have to go and get DS from nursery now.

Got a whole day with DS today - H at a conference and not back. Have decided not to take him out in the pushchair (will walk and get the bus) so he won't nap and will go to bed early. Think it will save me some stress.

So far we lay in bed watching cbeebies for a while, and have both had a good breakfast at least. I'm managing to engage with DS although cbeebies is definitely getting overused right now

Trying to take each day as it comes, hoping that each day or week will make things a little easier.

Hi just wanted to offer some support.
I am not in the same situation but I am having the same feelings as you at the moment.
My H and I Split last year after he ended things. it then transpired that he was seeing someone else, anyway long story and is on here somewhere, but I then became pregnant after stupidly leting him come and go from my life, i'm due in May and am happy about having DD now.
The problem I have is that I don't trust him anymore and he has a lot of issues that he must deal with if we are ever going to be happy together. the feelings I have are the same as you, some days I feel so depressed I just want to sleep, other days I feel strong and just say I don't need him around. I also am loving to him sometimes and other times I barely look at him, I did warn him that I will shut down emotionally eventually after all he has done.
Being pregnant though I don't know if it is my hormones or really my own feelings. so for that reason I will not make any big decisions until the baby is here. and to be honest I need support from him right now and he does do that.
I know its different for you in that you feel out of control as he is calling the shots, this is a horrible feeeling as you can't control anything he feels for you.
it may well be a mid life crisis. someone once said on here, 'you were born wihout him and you will die without him' so therefore you can live without someone in yout life.they were refering to ex partners.
Wishing you the best of luck, things will get sorted one way or another and you will find happiness again.

Thanks. every bit of understanding helps now.

We're not behaving like a couple any more, so there is no closeness, which really hurts (but I don't know if it would be easier having some closeness knowing what I do about his feelings) but we are still doing some stuff as a family. It is so hard because I can still smile and laugh with them a lot of the time and I wonder if I'm trying to kid myself, or just doing the best thing for DS.

I'm really seeing as each day passes that I have been depressed for a long time, but in a slow dragging sense rather than in a "the world is going to end" sense. I just hate that I have left it so long to see it, and worry that I have lost my H over it. I can only really focus on making myself better now, but it would be so much easier if I could talk to him about it.

Thanks. every bit of understanding helps now.

We're not behaving like a couple any more, so there is no closeness, which really hurts (but I don't know if it would be easier having some closeness knowing what I do about his feelings) but we are still doing some stuff as a family. It is so hard because I can still smile and laugh with them a lot of the time and I wonder if I'm trying to kid myself, or just doing the best thing for DS.

I'm really seeing as each day passes that I have been depressed for a long time, but in a slow dragging sense rather than in a "the world is going to end" sense. I just hate that I have left it so long to see it, and worry that I have lost my H over it. I can only really focus on making myself better now, but it would be so much easier if I could talk to him about it.

Sorry for my long post ... Have only read your first post as I didn't want to be swayed by other people's comments. I was in exactly the same shoes as you 8 years ago (seems ages now). I posted under the name Jacquikd and my first ever thread on here was when I was 6 months pregnant with my third child (called, if I recall correctly "should I stay or should I go?"). Brief history, I had had an affair, got found out, made a go of the marriage, had another baby with my husband (all 3 are his). Thought things would work out fine, little did I know. Only after falling pregnant about 18 months later did he tell me that he felt we tried for another baby too soon (my other two were 8 and 4 at the time) and he didn't know if he wanted to stay with me. My third was born in October, on New Years Eve he told me he was leaving me. Great start to the new year (another thread "Happy New Year ". He then changed his mind (think by this time he had met the girl that he is still with, they both agreed to leave their partner/spouse, she didn't follow through so he changed his mind). On 13 Feb (it sticks in my mind, day after my son's birthday and day before Valentine's Day when I had a nice surprise lined up for him), he then decided to tell me that it is finally over. He said he will always love me but no longer likes me (would rather be liked than loved).

He did not move out of the family home until September (after I had come back off holiday with my other 2 children - left the youngest at home - needed a break and my friends' children were the same ages as my older two). While on holiday, I found out he had spent the bank holiday with his 'friend'. That didn't bother me - by now we had an arrangement that he had one night out at the weekend and I had the other night. Some nights he didn't come home but that was his choice. What did it for me was finding out he had spent time with his friend but with MY baby (as I thought of her). I was livid as I was missing her so much (my choice, I know) but the day before I was due to fly home I told him that he had broke my heart by leaving me (although I had the affair I thought, in my naivety, that he would forgive me!) and he had totally screwed with my mind - living in the same house (he slept in the loft extension) but not being together. Towards the end, if I walked into the dining room, he would walk out and go into the other room).

I remember keeping up the 'happy family' front but by May of that year I had to tell someone so I told my mum and my aunt (my dad had died 2 years before). They were devastated as they had no idea of what was going on behind my closed front door.

Now 8 years on, he sees the children every weekend (although they are now 17, 13 and 8 and sometimes that 17 year old does not want to go). He sometimesh has them for both nights at the weekend (normally only one night and the next day) and takes them on holiday.

I still miss what "could have been" but I have learnt to move on. I always thought we would be together forever but it wasn't meant to be (all my fault). I hate it that I broke the family home and am still paying the price, but now we get on very well, communicate more than ever, there is no animosity.

The only next thing I have to do is finally get divorced from him. Because it has been so long we can do this ourselves through the courts without involving solicitors.

My friends ask why I am still not divorced - to be honest, I don't know why - just never felt ready for it but now I finally am.

Sorry for my long post and my rant - will go back and read thread - I have probably veered totally off track which is why I don't post very often although been a member for about 9 years.

bumble - thanks for posting. I can see where you are coming from with the similarities but it feels different to me as although we've both been unpleasant at times, it is so hard because I don't think either of us have done enough to warrant losing the love. Perhaps I'm blinkered though.

DS was asleep by 6.30. I desperately need more sleep but typically although I've fallen asleep fine the last few night, when I have the chance to get extra sleep my head is filled with things I want to say and this baby is having a party inside me so I just can't drop off

must try to relax

Oh god :-(

managed to get to sleep tonight with just a bit of stirring through the night, then DS came in at 3 and wouldn't settle for ages. I was ok but now I'm feeling sick (on top of pregnancy heartburn) so I can't even lay down to try to sleep.

H has been cold and distant. It's tearing me into little pieces but I'm scared of trying to change anythig right now.

It has only been a week and where I was managing to kid myself that we were trying before that, now I'm having trouble preyendig that H hasn't given up entirely. The man I love seems to have gone into hiding, and the only time I recognise this one is when he is playig with his son :-(

Been trying to talk to him but he can't even stand to be in the same room as me.

I have been up in the night throwing up. I'm a mess and I'm so scared I'm going to mess up DS.

I've suggested he find himself a flat. Maybe it will be less painful if we just make a clean break of it. This isn't helping me to move on at all.

But oh, the fear of having a toddler and a baby alone, of nobody coming home to me at night

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this miaow

it will take time but you will start to feel better, you will be strong enough to care for your babies and make a life for yourself, even tho it feels daunting and hopeless now.

A clean break is probably the best thing, that would allow you to come to terms with everything and start to move forward.

I don't know where you are but if you're close by I'm happy to come be a shoulder or help in anyway I can and I know there are dozens of wonderful mnetters who will say the same.

You're in my thoughts x

During my good times I can beleive that but I haven't felt 'up' in days. Only been on my anti depressants a few days though. I don't know if the loss of apetite and sickness (was throwing up at 5am) is a side effect or just me being all churned up.

I'm scared that all my motivation to change myself will disappear now but I have to remind myself that my children (born and otherwise) are more important than any man could be. I just don't know how I'll stick to it when I'm on my own. I do get out with DS and have some friends, but what social life we had before went by the wayside with DS as it was always together.

I'm just really struggling because the issues he says he doesn't think he will get over are things that have always been a part of me. I am starting so see that most of them are linked to the depression I have spent my life denying, but he doesn't beleive I will ever change, and that lack of faith hurts a lot.

I'm not very good at opening up to people in person unfortunatley but I do appreciate the thoughts. I'm in bromsgrove, south of Birmingham.

ChairmumMiaow - it's all crap isn't it

I think you would be much better off if he moved out, as hard as that would be, having him there but not there is harder.

Him moving out would not stop you getting back together if you both decided it's what you want, but living in the same house like this could well drive you further apart.

It's crap for DS, but I am sure it would be worse before long, for him if you carry on like this. He will get used to it.

You will be strong for your DC's & yourself... & we'll be here to help you be strong x

thankyou. I'm looking at practical things like replacing what he will need to take and dealing with shared stuff. I've taken down the wedding photos as they were just too painful. Still can't eat but I'll try and force down a smoothie in a minute just so I don't pass out.

Tomorrow I have to :

• phone tax credits to tell them I'm living alone (can I do this before he's moved out?)
• sort out council tax discount / benefit (anyone know who i have to contact for this?)
• get a new pin number for my current account card for my own bank account

Anyone think of anything else?

Chairmum, you won't be on your own. Firstly he will not abandon you completely and he will still want to spend lots of time with DS and number 2. Secondly, I am just round the corner and although I'm no good whilst I am working I can be useful 3 or 4 days a week.

You will need to give a tax credits a date he is moving out so might be better to leave it.

Go to the hub to sort out council tax discount and benefit (the woman I saw there was lovely even though I cried when I was talking to her) but you will need an address of where he's moving and a date.

I know I'm not really on my own, but you of all people know that its not the same, and its gonna take some getting used to

I am feeling a bit of relief at the moment, but i suspect I'll be down again soon enough, if my current mood swings are anything to go by.

I'm digging in for the long run, have pruned my facebook friends of people who will get fed up of me being miserable and the support is coming in now. Thank god I have friends now, that I didn't have not all that long ago.

This is a bit farcical. I know I emailed him to ask him to find somewhere else but he hasn't acknowledged it at all. (and I did suggest he read his email).

I've told him if he wants time away from DS he needs to go out but he's sitting on the sofa reading his book.

I'll have to let him know I need to know new address etc for claiming stuff.

And now he's emailed back saying I was just pushing him too hard.

But I've said I can't do this, I can't watch him being my husband but some stranger, and I still want him to go.

Then I'll know that if he comes back it is because he wants to, not because its easier not to rock the boat, and if he doesn't, I will have had more time to get used to being on my own and taking responsibility for my own feelings and wellbeing.

Still can't eat properly (3 biscuits and a little bit of dinner today) but at least I am getting things down me. Being so tired and not eating properly is making me cold all the time too

I am going to go to aquafit tomorrow though, if it kills me. I want to be what I can be, (and what I have managed to be in the past at times) and sod him. He doesn't believe I will ever change, and while I can't do it to spite him, I can do it for myself. After all, I need to be in better shape to deal with a baby and toddler come june.

And he's agreed to start looking for somewhere else.

Perhaps I can get some stability back in my life soon.

I understand what you mean about not wanting to be alone but just remember, it's better than the hell you are living now, having him there but not there...

I hope he finds somewhere soon - if it were me I'd be helping him!

Good on you for deciding to go to Aquafit, it's good to be making plans for yourself.

You need to eat for the baby - even if you don't feel like it. Buy some soft fresh (r frozen) fruit for your smoothies and take some vitamins if you can't manage too much food.

Just to let you know, you can claim extra tax credits if you are keeping separate 'households' without him moving out. Give them the date when this happened. Council tax will need to be informed with his new address. Good Luck.

Thanks all

I don't think there's much point trying to claim as separate households as there's nothing separate except our bedrooms at the moment. I'm still cooking and shopping for everyone (and H is still cleaning up) as it seems pointless not to.

I don't think I'm going to manage aquafit this week Still not eating (managed to force down a smoothie) and I feel decidedly dizzy after walking the whole mile (slowly) into town today.

DS was up at 3.45 last night and didn't go back to sleep for nearly 2 hours (His nightime cloth nappy was soaked through cos H didn't put enough padding in, so I had to change his clothes and nappy, my sheet and my pjs where everything had touched So of course he was wide awake and wanted to go downstairs and play. Resorted to feeding him but that didn't work H slept through or ignored all of this and when DS woke up again at ten to 7 and started whinging I told him to go and find his Daddy. Tried to go back to sleep but failed

This morning I am in the office, ('our' business) supposedly to work but I will be collecting info and stuff I need for benefits etc, and taking myself off the books as a director, as I have said I would

Whoops. Bit of a rant. Never mind.

If only lots of support would make this all go away. I'm getting it. People texting to see if I'm ok and making an effort to spend time with me who is currently a miserable moo.

I'd like it to be 6 months from now, except then I would have missed the birth of my child and 6 months with my beautiful DS.

I'm sunk between self pity and anger today. So angry that H doesn't want to try, and so upset he doesn't think I'm worth it