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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you are the one in your family who has the get up and go while being married to someone who has none, I need some sympathy!

30 replies

WillOWasp · 21/02/2010 16:41

aaarrghhh

Have namechanged for this

I do love my dh but have realised that I am the only one who ever organises anything that either gets us out of the house or actually does anything that needs to be done.

The last time we had leave together, we didn't go on holiday because we needed to sort out the house (there are still boxes we haven't unpacked) but I got a cold and was a bit rundown so wasn't in my usual 'let's do this' attitude and I have just realised that at the end of the week, we had achieved nothing, gone nowhere and not done anything that needed doing before we went back to work.

Dh thinks this is marvellous but of course, what happens is that I end up trying to organise everything while I'm working which ends up with me getting stressed.

So I decided I would have a break and not organise anything only to get to now (a few months down the line) and find out that nothing has been done because of course, dh won't do anything off his own back arghhhh!

I'm just a bit tired of it. If I didn't suggest outings, we would never leave the house. I have told dh I want him to start taking more a role in this and he says yes but then does nothing!

I'm not asking for solutions, think I just need a cup of tea!

OP posts:
lisbey · 21/02/2010 17:00

Are you a control freak though? I only ask because my DH is exactly the same, but I also know that I make it very difficult to get it "right" if he does try to do one of "my" jobs. By which I mean organising anything or doing anything he hasn't specifically been asked (told ) to do.

Very frustrating though. I have suggested a trip I'd like to make for my 40th birthday this year and DH is apparently very keen to take me. I know it won't happen unless I organise it though.

Mamii · 21/02/2010 18:24

You totally have my sympathy - moan away!

I am also in the same boat - although I think that possibly, my situation my be more exteme and it's driving me crazy too....

Mamii · 21/02/2010 18:25

extreme even.

Original poster
WillOWasp · 21/02/2010 18:31

no, I'm no control freak at all. In fact I think my standards are quite low!

I feel better for the sympathy already .

I had taken some meat out to defrost that hadn't fully defrosted so I just told dh we should probably get a pizza and he is just sat there, obviously waiting for the pizza fairy to deliver arrghh!

OP posts:
Lolbilly · 21/02/2010 18:33

I think me and almost all of my closest female friends would sympathise as our men are exactly the same!! Drives me mad with sorting out holidays...I put in months of leg work and he just gets to turn up and enjoy it all!! Grrr!!

Original poster
WillOWasp · 21/02/2010 18:35

the most frustrating thing is that people have said 'oh just stop doing things and see what happens' and I do periodically and nothing happens lol

I am also quite lazy but feel at least one of us should have get up and go. I like going for walks or to national trust houses. I would probably be less extreme if dh did something iyswim. With other boyfriends, I haven't felt this need if that makes sense!

Last year, in school holidays, dh had a week's leave without me and they barely left the house!

OP posts:
giveitago · 21/02/2010 18:40

Oh with you girlfriend. My dh does bloody zero - but actually goes one step further - ie blames me if nothing gets done.

Draining.

onadietcokebreak · 21/02/2010 18:41

Its sooooo draining. Please feel free to moan. I know how you feel. Its one of the things that annoys me most about DP and we dont even live together!

Original poster
WillOWasp · 21/02/2010 18:44

omg you are so right about holidays! I don't think we've ever had a holiday I haven't organised lol!

being blamed for not doing things must be even more draining, I have huge sympathies for you

OP posts:
Mamii · 21/02/2010 18:44

My DH also critiques everything I do - but doesn't lift a finger.

I've also had the advice of just stop doing it! What a mess we'd be in then!

belgo · 21/02/2010 18:45

Sometimes I think it's better just to accept the way he is, as long as he has enough positive points to keep things balanced. It's very hard to change people.

What are his positive points? Can you concentrate on those?

Mamii · 21/02/2010 18:47

I research organise and pay for all our holidays - When we went to St Lucia he had a lovely time when we were there, but when we got home and people asked him if he'd had a good time he told them it was boring!! Chalming

Original poster
WillOWasp · 21/02/2010 18:47

oh yes, believe it or not, he does have major positive points. He's very good with the dcs and a lovely man.

I agree, I always try and focus on the positive

I just felt like a little moan.

But I'm sitting here staring at all the unpacked boxes and I know exactly who will be the one who starts the unpacking process!

OP posts:
Mamii · 21/02/2010 18:48
Original poster
WillOWasp · 21/02/2010 18:48

oh I think I'd be giving him a very big kick under the table then Mamii, or perhaps organising a nice holiday in St Lucia for yourself!

OP posts:
belgo · 21/02/2010 18:49

oh that boring comment would REALLY annoy me!

Bumperlicious · 21/02/2010 18:53

'But I thought you liked organising things'...

I have a similar issue, though DH isn't too bad round the house, but I am definitely the organiser. The thing is it doesn't bother him to do nothing, but it bothers me. Look on the upside, does it make your DH very laid back? Can you imagine living with someone else like you? This is what I console myself with

Mamii · 21/02/2010 18:58

I did contemplate taking my sister instead for the next one

I used to make excuses for him, but I now realise he's completely selfish. I guess if he was lazy laid back with just one aspect of our lives together then that would be annoying but acceptable. But, he's bone idlein every single way....

and then has the nerve to criticise how I'm doing things..... arrggghhhh

Have you ladies confronted your other halves about their laziness laid back approach?

Original poster
WillOWasp · 21/02/2010 19:04

poor you Mamii

like bumper, dh is actually quite good in other areas. He does his fair share in the home (of housework/tidying/cooking) but he just would never leave the house for anything other than work if it was left up to him and doesn't organise anything as I guess he either doesn't see the point or just can't be bothered or is lazy. I have spoken to dh about it but he just doesn't really seem to get 'family events' and he never wants to Do Anything if that makes sense.

Mamii, I think it sounds like your dh is taking the piss a bit too much .

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 21/02/2010 19:11

Hah! At least yours (a) go out to work (b) agree to go on these holidays you break your backs organising.

Bumperlicious · 21/02/2010 19:16

The number of arguments we have had about Doing Stuff at the weekends... My biggest issue at the moment is that he is at home with DD (2.5) 3 days a week but doesn't do anything with her. Well, he plays with her and takes her to the park, but I take her to see friends, or to groups or the museum (they have a play area). He doesn't see the need to socialise but for DD's sake I wish he would.

However, Mamii, your DH sounds very unreasonable. No advice though. DH would never criticise me for doing nothing.

OP could you agree some ground rules e.g. one weekend you do nothing, just chill, one weekend you organise something and one weekend he does?

Also suggest a housework rota. DH and I have one or neither of us would do anything! Pre agreed so there are no arguments about fairness.

Also, positive reinforcement if he does organise anything, or tell him how much it would mean to you for him just to organise something so you didn't have to.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/02/2010 19:19

"Well, he plays with her and takes her to the park"

Again, hah!

overmydeadbody · 21/02/2010 19:19

Oh Gos I went out with a man who had no motivation to do anything, it drove me nuts and the relationship didn't last long, but he was a miserable old git with it too.

How long have you ladies been with these men?

I only ask because if you have already both got into the routine of you doing all the organising, how cn you expect them to suddenly find the initiativ to do it themselves?

Start as you mean to go on, that's what I say.

And if you've always known they where like this, just accept that as part of who they are and take on The role of cheif orgganiser while leaving some other 'role' for them that works on their strengths.

Of course it doesn't stop it being bloody frustrating sometimes! So moan away

frogetyfrog · 21/02/2010 19:22

Oh you all have my smpathies too. My dh says I am a total control freak, but I think I am just normal. He either likes to be left to do things totally his way with no discussion or consultation until after the event, or he does nothing at all. Very very wearing. For example when we bought a house, I had to research, find, organise etc etc. He did have a look but that was about it. Now he has the cheek to say he doesnt like where it is located!! He doesnt blame me as he knows what he is like, but still wont put the effort in to even every day decisions. I think they are onto too good a thing. He does loads round the house etc and is great with the kids though. But I tell him what to do!

giveitago · 21/02/2010 19:25

Bumper so your dp doesn't do anything with but does take her to dthe park. My dh hasn't taken our lo to the park since 2008 - no kidding - he's been out three times for kiddie things over the last year - all orgnaised by me.

OMG - where would I start to tackle my dh on stuff? Apart from the odd meal and the odd bit of dusting he does zero - ie kiddie stuff, family stuff, admin, investments etc.His view is that he works so it's my job but until birth of ds - I had a better job than him and still did everything.