Looks like it is over

[ChairmumMiaow]

I posted a few months ago when H sent me an email outlining exactly what he hated about ne. We've had our ups and downs since, and although there have been good times, we've both been going to therapy separately, and since then things have got worse.

Tonight, after weeks of knowing that he really didn't want to spend time with me but then watching him climb into
bed next to me and cuddle me, I had it out with him. I wanted to know whether he still felt any love for me, whether there was anything to work for. He said he didn't know, and finally that no, he didn't think he did love me. He doesn't miss me and can't think of anything he likes about me any more.

Obviously I'm upset but I could really see it comig, to the extent that I have been planning separate bedrooms in my head, thinking about practical issues to try to distract myself from the emotional hell. Tonight I asked him to sleep in te spare room.

I feel so sick now. He's in there, probably relieved and asleep. I feel like a mug for still loving him. A complete idiot. He was my first and only love. We have been togethere since I was 18 and now I am going to be alone. He feels guilty for participating in ferrying me pregnant (this will be DC2, in June) but I don't think he feels anything else for me. At least nothing nice.

I have no real family. Some friends, and my brother's ex-wife and her family, but my own are awful. I feel like I've lost everything.

I am so scared for the future - not that he will leave me homeless or peniless - he wouldn't do that to his children, but scared of the rest of my life alone, because if he doesn't want me, who the he'll else is going to.

Oh fuck. My life has just gone down the shitter and I'm so scared I will mess my kids up by smothering them because they are all I have. Fuck fuck fuck

Don't worry about who will want you. Someone will, but concentrate on allowing yourself to grieve for the relationship. Sorry this has turned out badly, and I have no advice really, but I can sympathise.

So sorry

But at least things are out in the open which must be a relief all around?

You will amaze yourself with your strength.

Hope you at least sent DH an email back pointing out what you hated about him too....

I have read this and walked away then come back and I haven't anything to say to help you. You are going to feel sick/a failure/ stupid for loving him/ heartbroken/ angry/ panicked/ scared for the future...

And I don't think there is anything you can actually do about it - it's going to be part of the process. But you do have a future, not the one you imagined so you have to grieve that one. But it won't hurt so much one day.

Take it one day at a time... Don't think about what scares you for now... just concentrate on you and the children.

And if there are any people ( not necessary close mates but people you have high regard for) - then don't be afraid to ask for help. Good people love to help out with no strings.

Ilivemydog- I didn't. I was mature and tried to be fair about it, accepted some stuff that was true and was vehement about some stuff that wa unnacceptable.I feel like he has betrayed me by waiting till it was too late to sort things out.

Funnily enough he's been so distant lately that I can bear the idea of being without him or any man, I'm just scared of being lonely. Xmases, birthdays. What about when he has the children!

I'm so bad at admitting when things aren't right and my H is the only person I have been able to open upto foe years. I don't know how to ask for help either. When he sent me that email I just went into hibernation and wouldn't see anyone :-(

Based on others I have known, you will take time to feek better, but you WILL eventually. Don't think about the future now - concentrate on getting a good solicitor and find out what you are entitled to. Make sure that you are secure financially. The future will happen whatever.

An email was mean btw.

He's not going to screw me over financially. I know that much.

We're not even properly separating - he's just moving into the other room so he stops sending me mixed signals, and we're not going to do 'family time' as it just makes us all miserable. Its just the way he seemed to really consider when I asked him if he still felt anything for me, and he really didn't think so. That made me feel that whatever happens with his counselling it won't make him love me again.

I just want to be able to lie down, go to sleep and forget about it all. But I feel so sick that I can't even do the lying down bit.

I pushed him into admitting he didn't love me, but there was no inkling at all of any feeling left. He smirked at me when I asked him to get out of my bed.

I hope I'm keeping him awake with my typing.

What I meant is that it's a two way process. Not tit for tat, but not just a one way flow.

Am not really sure how it came about -- why did he send you an email about the things he hated about you? How did his opinion about you become so influential? What do you feel about him, or rather someone who says they don't feel anything for you? what about the things you don't like about him? Is he willing to listen?

You deserve to be loved. Maybe this relationship has run its course and has been like a comfort blanket, but now that you've been upfront and honest, you can move forward, either with your husband or without.

I agree with the other posters who say take it one day at at time. Of course, right now when you're in the middle of it it feels like there's no hope. And of course, if you've only ever been with one person since you're 18 - it's freaking terrifying and natural to think that this is it. but, you don't know what's going to happen in the future.

Right now, you're in a better place. You know where you stand with him. It must have been messing with your mind terribly having him say what he hates about you, and then cuddling up to you in bed. I think this shows that he's confused about how he feels as well. Personally, if I didn't care for someone any more, I couldn't do that.

For the counselling, don't think of it in terms of it making him fall in love with you again - you don't know what's going on in his head. You don't know what's going to happen. Trying to guess or hope may not be helpful.

One day at a time, just one day at a time.

its just such a big thing for me. He was the point at which my life turned around, having been a pretty screwed up and very unhappy teenager. His opinions meant so much because his good opinion helped me to not care so much about the rest of the world, particularly my family. I don't feel like he fixed me, but that he gave me the confidence to fix myself, and I gave him stuff too.

One day at a time, and tomorrow I am going to organise some space. Separate rooms and some sort of routine for childcare so everyone gets some time to themselves and with DS. My feeling is if we can try to stop worrying about each other, (or at least for me to have a bit of distance so his problems aren't constantly in my face) then perhaps we can deal with our own stuff, and see how we stand as a couple later on.

I'm scared he'll go elsewhere for sex though, as he threatened it before, because apparently our sex life was boring (not entirely untrue but not justification for cheating).

Oh Chairmum

It sounds like he was good for you in the past, but definitely not now. Saying you're going elsewhere for sex because you're bored is really harsh and insensitive. Just focus on your DCs, and how good it will be to be out of a very toxic situation.

Him saying that was devastating to me, but he really really meant it and I think he only agreed that it was wrong because I pushed and said that if he really meant it, we were over then and there (I cannot tolerate cheating - having suffered a cheating mother I am not doing that to my kids)

Oh god its horrible. I slept about 3 hours, waking up about every hour to go to the toilet (I think I have stress IBS) and now he's awake.

He's taken DS downstairs with him but it hurts so much. He still sounds like the man that loved me. He still loves our DS, but I don't know what I did to make him stop loving me. I know in my head it isn't just me, but I feel so angry that he waited till the love was gone to try to do something about it.

I know its better for me that I know how he feels, but its so hard to finally hear it and I feel so weak that I still want him. He's not upset at all, even though I have started chucking his things out of 'our' room. I want a reaction from him, anything that shows he still cares some tiny bit but I know I can't push it. I know I just have to back off and give him his space.

I am so churned up I don't think I will ever be able to eat again, but that can't be good for the baby. I'm drinking but I feel too sick for anything else.

Oh I'm so scared that DS will pick up on this. He doesn't need a sad mummy.

And I know I'm being whiny and self indulgent, but this has got to come out somewhere because I know if it comes out to H it will make him worse. Knowing you have hurt someone isn't going to make you love them again, is it!

I can't really offer anything practical or wise, but I wanted to say that I've long enjoyed your posts and I am very sorry to hear of your horrible situation. You are a strong women - what's for you won't go bye you.

*woman

Thankyou. I don't feel very strong today though.

I can hear H telling DS they're going to take the dog out so I'll have a bath while they're out then finish seperating our stuff from the bedroom. Then I think I will make him take me out to buy a TV for my room so I can escape, and will hide in my room for the rest of the day.

Tomorrow I will have to get up and be strong and normal and be there for DS but I don't see why I should have to for today. Surely everyone gets a day to deal with the death of their marriage?

So sorry this is happening to your life.

Yes you do deserve a day, a week, a month or as long as you want to grieve, make sure you take it too my love.

Do whatever you need to to make yourself feel better, be very kind and gentle to yourself - it is a type of bereavement and there are so many emotions you will go through (been going through it myself for the last 6-7 weeks). What helped me was creating a project to occupy my time and focus my mind - I know you have a littlie so less free time than me but maybe there will be something you've always wanted to do that you now can do to use up the time you would have spent with him.

I found a very useful checklist of ways to behave - the site it's on is one about rebuilding marriage after infidelity but the ways to handle yourself still apply I think.

here it is

Is there no way he can move out? It must be torture having to see and hear him the whole time.

Thinking of you x

Thankyou thankyou. That's a good list.

I know it will be hard but I don't want him to move out yet. If the situations stays unbearable then I will have to rethink but in the meantime he needs to be around DS and he needs more time in his therapy to work his own stuff out. There is some chance he will sort himself out and remember why we fell in love but I not going to torture myself by holding out for it. I also feel like I will need him here when the baby comes. He may be no use to me emotionally but in practical terms he is a big help.

I think I need some time to prove to myself that I can cope without him. Our lives are so intertwined - we have really grown up together and I think that unravelling it all slowly and seein what we are left with is the way to go.

I'm lying in the bath now, with the heater on, typing badly on my phone, but feeling more relaxed now he is out of the house for a while (he took DS and the dog for a walk)

ChairmumMiaow I am so sorry you are going through this

But in answer to yur question, yes, you are allowed a day of wallowing, in fact I would say it is just what the doctor ordered! get yourself a tv and some chocolate and spend sometime on your own, in your own space just 'being',

Also, if you don't mind me saying, doing things for a reaction in an angry way doesn't usually work, it only serves to make the person you are upset with feel justified in their actions. I think the best way to get any kind of reaction is to be calm, happy and behave as though you have accepted the situation and are getting on with your life. And if you don't feel it then fake it!. So, when you are ready, get dressed in nice clothes, put on your makeup, do your hair, put a smile on your face and go out somewhere, leaving HIM wondering what's going on!!

You take good care of yourself x

So sorry for you ChairmumMiaow, what an awful situation for you to be in especially with a baby on the way. I can't believe your H would behave so awfully to his pregnant wife.

I agree with Timeforme, be as calm as you possibly can, spend the day making your bedroom a haven for you, somewhere you can escape to. Try to act as normally as possible around your ds and dh, it will reassure your ds that everything is OK, and you won't be giving H the satisfaction of seeing you are upset. Save your emotions until you are alone, at least you still have your dignity.

It's awful for you to be in such a stressful situation while you are pregnant, but try to concentrate on yourself and you dc. Make sure that H does his fair share with the new baby, so you can have time for yourself and ds.

Take it a day at a time, try to eat a little and be kind to yourself

I'm so sorry you're going through this. If I knew anyone in RL, no matter how remotely, I would try to help. Without strings. I'm sure many others would be exactly the same.

The timing's awful, as I know you need him around, but I do feel the best thing you can do now is get him out. I know it doesn't feel it, you want to cling on to the very last embers of light in your marriage, but really, he isn't giving you any hopeful signs. Anyone who treats you with this level of contempt while you're carrying their child is not worth having.

I really wish I'd done this with my ex, rather than hoping he might change his mind (when really I didn't want that deep down, he had behaved so horribly)

I feel the only way you could possibly bring him to his senses now is to give him a very deep, sharp shock so he realises what he stands to lose. If he's going anyway, all you're doing is prolonging a very painful process by allowing this to continue.

And, I'm really sorry to mention this, but could there be anyone else involved here?

I'm not ready to give up entirely just yet, but I'm trying to start to detach myself from him.

I don't think there's anyone else involved. Unless he has been skipping work, which is highly unlikely, I can't see where he has the time. When he said he wanted to go elsewhere for sex he said he didn't know anyone who would be interested. Hardly flattering but honest at least.

And we're carrying on today as if everything is fine, except for the fact that we're moving furniture around so we can have separate rooms.

Looking forward to it all being done so I can relax for a while. At the moment I just feel in limbo.

Well I have no aerial so I can't watch Lark rise in bed tonight, but I do have a TV on the wall (with DVD player), evita playing on it, a room to myself, some crackers and a diet caffeine free coke.

No more sitting around downstairs in the evenings feeling comfortable. And tonight I am going to figure out a rota so I get a day at the weekend and a couple of evenings in the week to myself. I am going to start going to aquafit.

At least today has proved that we can spend time together as DS's parents, even when things are so raw for me. We might have some rough times but DS will be ok.