I posted a few months ago when H sent me an email outlining exactly what he hated about ne. We've had our ups and downs since, and although there have been good times, we've both been going to therapy separately, and since then things have got worse.
Tonight, after weeks of knowing that he really didn't want to spend time with me but then watching him climb into
bed next to me and cuddle me, I had it out with him. I wanted to know whether he still felt any love for me, whether there was anything to work for. He said he didn't know, and finally that no, he didn't think he did love me. He doesn't miss me and can't think of anything he likes about me any more.
Obviously I'm upset but I could really see it comig, to the extent that I have been planning separate bedrooms in my head, thinking about practical issues to try to distract myself from the emotional hell. Tonight I asked him to sleep in te spare room.
I feel so sick now. He's in there, probably relieved and asleep. I feel like a mug for still loving him. A complete idiot. He was my first and only love. We have been togethere since I was 18 and now I am going to be alone. He feels guilty for participating in ferrying me pregnant (this will be DC2, in June) but I don't think he feels anything else for me. At least nothing nice.
I have no real family. Some friends, and my brother's ex-wife and her family, but my own are awful. I feel like I've lost everything.
I am so scared for the future - not that he will leave me homeless or peniless - he wouldn't do that to his children, but scared of the rest of my life alone, because if he doesn't want me, who the he'll else is going to.
Oh fuck. My life has just gone down the shitter and I'm so scared I will mess my kids up by smothering them because they are all I have. Fuck fuck fuck