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Original poster

How much support/time did you get from your parents as you were growing up?

41 replies

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 20/02/2010 22:09

I spend alot of time with ds, I advise him on all sorts (bullying/social skills etc), make sure he has all he needs and it made me think of whether my parents did this for me. They didn't. My mum showed me how to wash/iron but that was it, there was no guidance, I was just left to it. My dad didn't talk alot (he had an alcohol problem), they never asked how my day was or even if I was OK, they were never up when I went to school so they didn't nag if I had no breakfast (which happened every day). I just don't know if this is normal or if I'm an OTT mum IYSWIM.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 20/02/2010 22:10

no guidance here either....when i ook back i wnder how i turned out normal!

HennyRettaBadaBada · 20/02/2010 22:15

I had my mum's time one hundred percent of the time. Not as in her breathing down my neck, but as in she was always there (cooking, ironing, whatever) for those moments when I needed her. We had our best conversations on dog walks and in the car on the way back from school. I remember her once saying that the thing about mothers was that they are always on your side. I knew - still know - this was true of her.

My dad was at work a lot, but if when I needed him, he was always there. I think my sisters and I benefited hugely from this, and I hope I'm doing the same for my DCs.

HennyRettaBadaBada · 20/02/2010 22:15

if when?

Must read before posting...

2rebecca · 20/02/2010 22:22

Mine were fine. Supportive if I needed them but not wanting to know stuff I didn't wish to tell them and not controlling. I try and be the same with my kids. If I ask them how school was and they say "fine" I don't push it. I hate talking about my day at work if I'm not in the mood.
The kids are now old enough to sort out their own breakfast. They usually eat it, but as I often don't I can't insist they do and they usually just make up a sandwich for break time when they are hungry, and then have school lunch.
I mainly advise my kids if they ask for advice or if we're discussing stuff. They're often keener to discuss stuff if in the car and no eye contact.

JeMeSouviens · 20/02/2010 22:23

Nothing from either. My mother was of the opinion children should be seen (and look pretty) and not be heard. I could never ask for anything (the answer I knew would be NO), or chat to her about advice as she'd either give duff or not be bothered at all. Sad really. I feel like I am the world's most boring person and have no personality as I wasn't allowed to develop my own.

My dad (step), just let her get on with it.

Tortington · 20/02/2010 22:24

mother was aloon who locked herself in her bedroom. so erm. no

bibbitybobbityhat · 20/02/2010 22:31

It feels like none.

My father left when I was 10 and we saw him once a week for Sunday afternoons but after a short while he remarried and had 3 more children.

My mother fell to pieces, my older brother was nearly 6 years older than me so left home soon afterwards for University, leaving me at home alone with depressed alcoholic mother. I spent my teenage years propping her up rather than the other way round.

I've had no support or help from my parents and am self sufficient and possibly a little bit hard as a result.

chubbasmum · 20/02/2010 22:34

my mum tried the best she could if it wasnt for her i dont think i would have been so independent and self sufficient unfortunately we dont see it when we are young you take it for granted, she basically taught me that you move the mountain for your kids and at the same time dont spoil them.

chubbasmum · 20/02/2010 22:38

i was also going to say thanks to my mum i am able to cope as a single mum my dad thats another story affairs galore

moanyhole · 20/02/2010 22:42

custardo my mom did this too. or she turned music up really high.she actively told us never to come to her with our worries, to sort them out ourselves. she locked herself in her bedroom for days, told us we were useless, constantly threatened to leave us. we werent allowed sit down, always had to look busy. No friends allowed to the house. Dad just fed it instead of dealing with it.there must have been good times but i dont remember. so no- no support/time.

Original poster
BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 20/02/2010 22:59
Sad
OP posts:
JaneS · 20/02/2010 23:15

My parents tried their best, I think, but they weren't much good with emotional talks because they are so odd themselves. They don't have adult friends so I got a very strange idea of friendship when I was growing up! But they did try to take them time. They were of that cast of character that thinks you can substitute one kind of emotional contact for another, so they wouldn't talk about anything emotional, but they would spend ages playing fun games with us, and they would spend ages having 'educational' discussions - they just shy away from talking about feelings and so on.

I think it's really lovely (and important) that you take time to talk about things properly. Not OTT at all.

ItsGraceAgain · 20/02/2010 23:22

No, Belle, I don't think you're OTT.

Despite my parents' many & serious faults, they were big on communication. We had to make conversation at the evening meal, there was lots of chatting & debating going on as well as the raging & crying

Mu Mum was a strange mixture. On the one hand, she was fantastic at listening (or seeming to) and truly superb at guiding us to learn things for ourselves. On the other, she delivered streams of dogma - which I assume she thought was important advice, but left me with problems I'm still unravelling!

So - I don't think you can converse too much with your children (though blocking them out is a life-saving knack!!) but I do think you can be too definite with your advice. Stuff goes into kids' heads as if God had spoken; it's a bugger to get the stuff out again! If you can provide information & ideas, teaching them to THINK - that's a precious gift.

SerenityNowakaBleh · 20/02/2010 23:23

I've been thinking about this a lot actually recently.

In some ways, my MD was around a LOT, and was very involved in some aspectsof my life, but not necessarily in the most positive of ways. For e.g. she was very willing to butt in and tell me who was a suitable person to be friends with, and who wasn't, what I should believe etc., but then didn't notice at ALL when my marks in maths dropped by two grades (from As to Cs), that I was miserable at school and being bullied. to this day, she doesn't believe that I was bullied, but that it was just the way some children are.

You may notice no mention of my DF - he was working in another country, so only saw him every couple of weeks. I would barely speak to him (still the same now, but it's getting better).

ItsGraceAgain · 20/02/2010 23:32

Serenity, mine didn't notice problems either - I had anorexia for 2 years (the school noticed) but Mum kept congratulating me on being nice & slim! (note to parents: if you never see your child eating, it's possible they aren't eating ...)

Original poster
BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 20/02/2010 23:35

I think it's positive to learn from the mistakes of your parents. I still don't eat breakfast most of the time, he naggs me and sometimes refuses to eat his until I eat, he means well but it's weird when your child does this for you when your parents never did, they were normally still asleep in bed. They didn't notice how miserable I was at school either, I was really bored and picked on for not having 'cool' clothes (mine were mostly hand me downs or from the market). I remember my mum giving me £5 to buy a pair of shoes for myself once, the only ones I could get with this were really nasty ones, I was so embarassed.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/02/2010 23:36

very little

they spent all their time on their own fucked-up relationship (and still do...40 years later )

Original poster
BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 20/02/2010 23:37

I didn't eat alot Grace, no breakfast, just a sandwich for lunch then supper when I got home, this was normally chips and something. My mum told me I had fat legs once, I was 7 stone

OP posts:
DecorHate · 20/02/2010 23:44

Feck all from my parents too. I wonder now if my
mother had undiagnosed depression or PMT a lot of the time. I can distinctly remember feeling from a very early age that I couldn't confide in my parents if I had a problem. I do wonder if there was a particular incident that triggered that.

I find living in a different country to them now makes it all a lot easier....

SerenityNowakaBleh · 20/02/2010 23:46

Yip. They didn't notice that I was pretty much depressed for most/all of my teens, and only really got out of it when I managed to get counselling at uni. what brought this up again recently for me was I was having a terrible time (still am, lots of difficult relationship problems with DP which we're sorting through) and I called her to tell her something, and hopefully some sympathy and instead all I got was "why are you so miserable all the time? You're so sad. You were sad at school [when I was being bullied] you were sad when we emigrated [I was 17, moved away from friends and family into the middle of a British winter] and now you're sad [as relationship with DP, most important person in my life, is on the rocks]". FFS. And this from the woman who is constantly moaning about everything and told me when I was about 8 that she didn't want to get old; could I hire a steamroller when she turns 60 and run her over.

Rant over

I think it is important to spend time with your DC, not necessarily hovering around all the time, but doing things with them, taking an interest in stuff they like, but most importantly, letting them know that you are always there for them. I know that my parents aren't. I know for certain that if I screwed up I could not go to them for help as I'd get a lot of grief, and it's very difficult.

Original poster
BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 20/02/2010 23:55

My mum used to slap me across the face when I was watching the TV/walking because I looked sad She once slapped me because I was afraid to go down a moving escalator. Oh, the things I don't do to my child.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/02/2010 00:08

my dad hated to spend time with me because (and I quote) "I cramped his style.."

nice

Original poster
BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 21/02/2010 00:13
Shock
OP posts:
hairymelons · 21/02/2010 00:14

Jesus
I was going to have a moan but actually my parents were nice people just too busy with 6 kids to pay individual attention.
People do fucked up things to children. You look at your own and just can't imagine why.

BlackLetterDay · 21/02/2010 00:26

My parents weren't perfect, my dad could be a bit of a bully. He was grumpy a lot of the time and smacked me too hard. I remember him pinning my sisters to the wall and shouting in their faces a couple of times (I have no idea what this was about). My Mum was basically loving and as I got older we did talk a lot. I did feel that my Mum was always on my side, which I was gratefull for.

She wasn't perfect mind, as none of us are, but I believe she loved me and had my best interests at heart. She was always up before me and provided guidance when I asked for it, although embarassing things were not on the agenda(I couldn't tell her that I had started my periods and used toilet roll etc)

I never felt close to my Dad (he died when I was 15. and my parents had split up). He said some horrible self-esteem deflating things to me, which I carry to this day, my Mum never exactly built me up either tbh.