Difficult day tomorrow - need some support and perspective...

[takingadeepbreath]

Have namechanged for this but have posted about aspects of this in the past. Basically it's my half sister's wedding tommorrow and I feel I'm going to struggle with it a bit because I feel it's going to spell out in black and white the differences between us. I've been in counselling recently to deal with how I was brought up (mother left when I was about 5, was brought up by dad and stepmum who were - and still are - quite toxic towards me because, I believe, I remind them of my mother who they hate.)

Won't go into it all as we'll be here all day, but basically, I got married last year and there's a big contrast with how things are panning out. Firstly, when DH and I got engaged we didn't get a single engagement card from any of the family. When I was trying to arrange the wedding my dad and SM would not discuss it with me at all, until I booked the venue, at which point they realised it was happening either way and got very controlling about the guest list (wanting to know if my mother was going) to the point where my SM actually phoned the venue and demanded to know who was staying there. Because I did invite my mother they barely spoke to me on the day, refused to take part in the ceremony or to do a reading and when my dad did make a speech it was really pointedly aimed at my mother and all about what a massive sacrifice it is to bring up children, with not really anything nice said about me in it. He then didn't speak to me the rest of the day, actually turned his back on me at one point and walked out without saying goodbye.

I think tomorrow will be really difficult for me because basically, my half sister's parents have never got divorced and they have nothing to punish her for. I think the speech bit in particular will be tough to sit through - that and the fact people will be asking why I'm not a bridesmaid. It's already started; she's got about four, several of her friends and our cousin (who we've all been told is "like a sister to us") and another cousin is an usher. We're not on great terms after an incident last year, but she's had the bridesmaids picked out for well over a year, I know because she was talking about it in front of me, she just never intended to ask me. Which is fair enough, she can do what she likes, I dont' particulalrly want to be one anyway, I just didn't realise our relationship was so distant that she would involve everyone else and not me. If I'd chosen my cousin and not her for a bridesmaid my parents would have played hell.

Anyway, I don't want to sound all self pitying but I haven't had a counselling session for a long time and am aware that this is stressing me out. I dont' want it to, am trying to maintain a dignified, philosophical take on it, but it's difficult when your face is going to be rubbed in the fact that your father thinks you're not worth shit and his other daughter is wonderful. Sorry to ramble on.

It sounds horrible and toxic but well done for (hopefully) going tomorrow.

Who is going to be there with you?

This will sound shallow but can you make yourself look physically fantastic (even though you might be hurting inside)? Get your hair done, new dress, pretend to feel confident etc etc

If you are taking a partner and children then make a big fuss of them and try not to take it to heart that they are fussing over the other daughter and not you.

Family is frustrating and can be hurtful and I am not sure what you can do about it to make it any better before tomorrow.

Why are things soooo bad between your Dad and your real Mum?

Thank you Collision. I'm planning on glamming up massively and am going with DH and our two DSs who are going to look edible. I'm just worried I'll end up getting pissed and crying, or ranting at someone, or something, it just seems so unfair - she's such a spoilt, materialistic, selfish person who treats people like crap, and yet she gets all the glory all the time, whereas I think I'm reasonably nice and I get treated like shit by them all. Although not entirely like shit - they do nice things like offer to pay for me to have my make up done, which makes it more complicated for me to feel like crap, IYSWIM?

I don't entirely know the ins and outs of what went on with my dad and my real mum. My Dad won't really talk about it much, apart from to say she was evil and abused us, which is interesting since he stood back and let us be treated like crap and actually beat me up himself on one occasion. My mother said he had an affair and left for my SM and that he was violent and selfish and left her alone with two very young babies which is why she left. And seeing how he treats me I can only imagine how he would treat someone he openly hated. I don't think I'll ever know the truth unfortunately, but I do know that my mother does genuinely care about me and my kids, and my dad and SM aren't that bothered - in fact they would have struggled to pick DS2 out of a line up in his first year of life.

I also feel a bit bad that my sister is getting married and I'm more focussed on the aggro than I am on being happy for her. Which doesn't make me very nice either, does it? Of course I want her to be happy, I 'd like everyone to be happy, but it's all leaving a bit of a bad taste...

I´m sitting here wondering why you are going tbh.

Go to the wedding and hold your head high.

Your father is the one who will look a prick, blatantly favouring one child over another. Additionally, your half sister will look a bit mean picking everyone apart from you to be bridesmaids.

Think of the wedding as a free meal and concentrate on your own DH and DCs, the rest of your extended family sound like toxic wankers.

Me too, diddl. I wish we weren't. There will be some people there it will be nice to see, but otherwise am not looking forward to it. I would have got loads of stick for not going though, and no doubt I'd have been bad mouthed all over the place. Or they'd probably say I was in a strop about not being a bridesmaid or aomehting like that. I suppose I shouldn't much care, should I? But it irks me to think of them slagging me off and having no recourse.

Thanks noktok. Somehow everyone seems to think the sun shines out of my parents (they are all about the public perception mind you) and even though they took my sister on holiday once and left my brother and I at home, no one has ever seemed to question it. Which made it seem so normal that I never really questioned it much, until recently.

In fact, that's one of the really annoying things about it, what they do to me is all so invisible. No one really saw him ignore me at my wedding, apart from at the end when I said to the people stood with me - "watch this, my father is actually about to walk out without saying goodbye to me." (When I later mentioned this to my SM she said "oh, so you set him up?" ??!! ) Only people who really know the situation spotted the subtext with the speech, others just thought it was a bit sombre. They only ever really let loose behind closed doors, in public they're seen to be doing this, that and the other to help us out. And we're just ungrateful, I guess.

You dont have to go and you dont have to care if they slag you off. In fact they should have better things to talk about but if they chose to talk about you thats up to them.

It sounds like unneccessary torture.

I think I recognise your situation, are you using a new name?

It may be that you are better off and happier with out them?

Rhuidean - yup, have namechanged for this one but you've probably seen my past posts. Am having a paranoia in case one of my relatives is a MNer (I have my suspicions one of them is!)

I can't really get out of it at this late stage I don't think, it's all paid for. I think would def be better off without them - we virtually never see them anymore anyway, and it's made me realise that I have no connection with my sister at all, it's weird. I've spent my whole life being told what a close family we are, and it's only recently I've reassessed, and you know what, we're not...It's been a wake up. But I really don't think we can bail on tomorrow at this stage now, unless someone breaks a limb or something...

Well... it sounds like tomorrow, then, can be regarded as a sort of farewell performance. You are going to this wedding because you have said you will go, but after that you owe them nothing ever again, and will decline any future invitations. Don't tell them, of course - nothing so dramatic - just go there in your own family unit of people who do love you, and think of yourself as already apart from them, like rather distant relatives who have been invited out of duty but who don't really have anything in common with the other guests. Drink no more alcohol than necessary to do the requisite toasts (you need to be sober and dignified), be polite to everyone, and wish your half-sister all the happiness that anyone ought to wish a bride. She can't help that she was brought up badly, and maybe she'll learn something one day through having her own family.

Then walk away with a smile, knowing yourself, which they do not, that it is the last time you will ever see any of them again. Funerals don't count.

Hi OP. I'm not surprised you are stressed.

TBH my reaction was the same as diddl's...why are you even going to the wedding? I hope that doesn't sound harsh but really it sounds like you are putting yourself through a form of torture.

However, I understand what families can be like, I have one and that it all looks very simple to an outsider. Much more difficult to deal with when you are involved with it all and have all that family history. And that you don't want to back out at this late stage.

You talk about the fallout but if you think about it, does it actually matter what they think of you and what they say?

I'm actually releived to hear that you don't all think am being OTT. I'm so conditioned into thinking that what they do is ok, and really, on the surface of it as far as anyone else can see, what do I have to be hacked off about? Not being asked to be a bridesmaid? (I do hope, like noktok said, that she looks like a cow for choosing everyone else bar me.) No one else, bar my closest friends and my DH really know what went on at our wedding. Although yes, it doesn't really matter. I'm liking Annie's scenario - only problem is they live round the corner. I am working on emigrating to the other side of the world - literally.

If your the person I think you are then I am so sad to hear you are going threw all this again. I am sure you have discussed seperating your self from them before? Can you imagine they will suddenly realise that they have made a huge mistake? I suspect that unless you and your DH decide to do something about them you will be posting again about a similar problem. DN's christening perhaps in a years time? Dont let them keep doing this to you! Take control and decline all future invitations.

Emigrating sounds great

Also you cant be a bridesmaid, your not a maid but a married mother No one will question it.

I am really liking Annie's advice. Good luck.

Oh pooh.

Thank you Rhuidean. Do you know, you are so right, Just come off the phone with my SM and am really seething. She said they've had a big situation with my brother, who lives on teh other side of the world. He wasn't able to come back, we thought, but apparently he's just lined up the time and the visa and has been let down by his boss so couldn't come back and he was on the phone all upset. I pointed out to her that he couldn't even be arsed to send a fucking text message to decline our invitation, he didn't respond and obviously didn't come. And this is my full, not half brother.

I definitely am not putting myself through this again.

have you any rescue remedy? if you have it might help

apart from that, my only suggestion is to avoid alcohol (other than toasts) and to smile lots and hold your head up high

can you work any faster on the emigration plan? sounds like a good one

Rescue remedy - I do - good point! I have it all over the place but never think to take it at times when I need it most. Tempted to fucking emigrate tonight to be honest. Or just not go. Fuck 'em. It's not like they'd care, apart from the fact it would raise questions and cost them the price of the meals etc.

I'd agree with bumpy that if you do go it would be best to avoid alcohol. I don't know about you, but it has a tendency to make me a little more open and honest about my feelings!

You have every right to go or not go to the wedding. If you do go, why not focus on talking to the people you are looking forward to seeing and treat it like the wedding of some distant relative.

I feel terrible for you as this sounds like a truly horrid situation. It also sounds like you are continually punished somehow for the way your mum behaved all those years ago. The worst kind of abuse is the subtle, passive abuse that people don't see. It can make you feel very isolated and victimised.

You are the core of a beautful family - won't it be wonderful to show everyone what you have and what you have become in spite of your difficult family situation?

I wish you all the very best.
x

what a horrible situation, i really feel for you.
speaking from experience you probably have a heightened sense of that nasty unspoken hostility, i know i do and haven't had to put up with half of what you have.
it also sounds like you've reached a point where you see through it, and see their attitude for what it is.
please only go if you can keep your cool, i say that as if i was in your shoes i might not have the strength! and if you're not sure you can do it, be kind to yourself and stay at home (or go out, either way make it enjoyable for you)
to hell with them and whatever they might say about you; it sounds as if they are too concerned with their image to publicly slag you into the ground, but you may get a mouthful from them later.
and good luck with the emigration plans, sounds like just what you need

To be perfectly honest you gain nothing from them being your relatives so if I were you I just wouldn't go.

Okay they kick up a stink afterwards and ask why you didn't turn up then tell them "Because I couldn't bear to here about how wonderful x is when you treat me like a piece of shit" then hang up and hope you never ever have to speak to them again.

When I read your posts it made me think of a situation a encountered when I went with my mum to her fathers funeral a couple of years ago.

My grandfather left my grandmother with 3 children in the 40's for another woman, he then had 4 children with his new wife and my mother was treated very badly by the step mother on the few occasions she went to stay.

The eldest son from the second family made a eulogy about my grandfather - what a great family man etc he was, what a great dad, how he'd always been there for them. It was laughable and it was like we were sitting in the wrong funeral. My mum held her head up high and maintained her dignity through out (I struggled because I was so angry for her). She hadn't met all of the step brothers and sisters and most of the 'new' grandchildren didnt have a clue we existed. I think the only thing my mum did was quietly and gently counter the myth that my grandmother was some kind of bitter psycho who had refused my grandfather access to their children. That wasnt true and my granny tried to keep their relationship going.
It was a very weird and emotional experience and my mum was very glad I was with her, we then spoke about it at length. Maybe your DH could act as your pillar (on hand to ensure that you were supported) - oh and dont get to pissed

They took your sister on holiday and left you and your brother at home?

Will your brother be there? If you get on can you see it as a chance to catch up with him?

I like Annie's advice.

Also, I hope that you resume your counselling to help you see that moving away from these damaging people would surely be the best thing. Emigrating great but if not, just the other side of the country could be good eh?

What a huge shame that your brother isn't supportive to you. Sounds like he is still desperate for their approval.

I am sure it is hard for anyone to read this thread to see why you would want anything at all to do with these people. You get absolutely nothing from them that is good or healthy.

I hope you can go to the wedding and cope and be dignified and like Annie said, think of it quietly as a farewell do.

saintly - we weren't home alone or anything, but yeah, they took her and got my gran in to look after us for a few days. Nice hey? They still talk about what a lovely time they had, even now.

Am on the brandy now! The more I hear about them all moving mountains to get my brother over the more fucking angry I get. They were visiting him a week before our wedding and they couldn't get him to move his fucking fingers to the phone. I texted them in the end to ask if he was coming (6 days before) and got a text back saying "X not coming. Weather is too hot, food is great" I kid you not. I outright said this earlier but none of them give a shit.