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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband left...feel like i am dying

53 replies

pineapplecube · 19/02/2010 12:44

Went last weekend. Says it is final, never coming back. Doesnot love me and because I said I feel like I will never trust him again because of things in past he has to go..Why did I say it....am in agony it is all my fault...shaking and crying

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 19/02/2010 12:45

well of course its not your fault,its his,he chose to go. not stay and work it out,or face up to it

do you have dc?

tummytime · 19/02/2010 12:46

You poor thing. Couldn't not answer but don't have anything useful to say except . Is there anyone in RL who could come and be with you?

Original poster
pineapplecube · 19/02/2010 12:49

My sister is on her way.

I have two older kids in teens and 3 year old...all his. Have been married 20 years.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 19/02/2010 12:50

Sounds like he's taken the easy option, he can't be bothered to work on rebuilding your trust?

GypsyMoth · 19/02/2010 12:54

where is he staying now?

Original poster
pineapplecube · 19/02/2010 13:02

He did it once before 6 years ago. That time he left for someone else but that fizzled out after 5 months...she was just catylist as we wernt getting on. We were apart about a year then gradually got back together hence the 3 year old. I always wanted to do counselling after but he didnt really want to.

While we were apart I found out about other affairs that had happened during our first 14 years of marriage I never had a clue at the time and this is why I have issues with trust.

When he came back I was very guarded but as time has gone on I have let the guard come down and got closer. This is when it has begun to hurt. Hope that makes sense. I have told him all of this.

He drinks too much I think which is another issue, likes to spend time in the pub...after work...hated it thought he should come hometo see son first.

He is saying he know now that he can never love me again, that we have too much history and he can't deal with the lack of trust.

I told him I feel as if he has done 'something@ since he came back to me and I would find out if he had.
I don't really know why I feel it,just do.

I have ruined everything and he is now saying he could get son for half the week....soooo upset

OP posts:
Original poster
pineapplecube · 19/02/2010 13:07

He is at his dads. Says he has been mean/not always come home etc as he does not love me anymore. I said he should have told me his feelings before.
When I said to him you never really reassuredme enough he said that it is obviously because he never loved me when he left 1st time or when he came back, came back for son etc.

I really thought he was over the moon to back.

OP posts:
TheButterflyEffect · 19/02/2010 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GypsyMoth · 19/02/2010 13:14

Is he going to pay maintenence? Maybe that's why he's saying he wants ds half the week.

I think he's done you a favour really. Keep him at arms length.

totallydifferentypeofperson · 19/02/2010 13:15

You have not ruined everything. I think, probably and sadly, he is telling you the truth when he says he does not love you. As hard as that is to hear, you are better to know it than to continue to be deceived about it.

Him saying that he can't deal with your lack of trust is contemptible on his part, imho. He left because of how he feels, not because of how you feel. Why would you not have difficulty trusting him after what you have learned about what he did? All he really means, I would guess, is that there is no longer enough for him in his relationship with you to motivate him to do what he would need to do to enable you to trust him again.

I'm very sorry that his has happened but I do think that you can make it turn out for the best.

Malificence · 19/02/2010 13:16

It's honestly not your fault, he is the one who ruined your marriage with his infidelities, he is the one who caused your understandable lack of trust.
It's easier for him to blame you rather than be a man and face up to his failings.

He doesn't deserve your trust ( or your love and understanding) - men like this seem to always threaten to "take" their children but in reality he probably can't be bothered , if he's a big drinker I imagine that would be a barrier to him getting joint custody in any case.
You deserve a happy life, which you won't get while this man is in your life.

Intergalactic · 19/02/2010 13:21

This is absolutely not your fault and I think you'll come to feel that you're better off without him. He's the one who's ruined the relationship by cheating on you many times. Do you really want to be with someone who has so little respect for you? You deserve better.

Also I agree that he probably doesn't really want to take your son for half the week, given the time he spends with him at the moment. He's just saying it to hurt you.

MaggieMaeve · 19/02/2010 13:21

Be glad you said it to him. One day you'll be glad that you had the dignity to tell him you didn't trust him, rather than just pretend.

As a PP said, if he doesn't deserve your trust then it's very cheeky of him to blame you for your not trusting him! as though it were a character flaw of yours. Obviously it's his prerogative to leave, but you won't always feel as sad about it as you do now. If the marriage is over it's because of him. You can't command trust.

OrmRenewed · 19/02/2010 13:22

oh pineapple. It isn't your fault! So sorry

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 19/02/2010 13:23

You poor love. When you are in less shock, you might see what other readers might deduce from your posts:

This is not your fault.
You said you didn't trust him because your gut feeling is that he has got someone else on the go at the moment. Given his history, this is a perfectly reasonable statement to make. Someone who was "over the moon" to have been given a second chance would have taken you in his arms and reassured you that nothing is happening with anyone else at the moment. He didn't - he walked, saying that he didn't love you and blaming you for a lack of trust. My guess is you were right - he does have some other love interest at the moment. He won't want to admit that, so is deflecting the blame on to you for what is a perfectly reasonable lack of trust.

Why on earth would you trust him?

Instead of reassuring you and committing to your marriage and new child, he has whiled away his time at the pub.

This is not about you, it is about him.

Hard as this is, your best coping mechanism now is to take him at his word and tell him that you have accepted your marriage is over. Get that legal advice and refuse to collude with his version of the truth.

You have coped before without him, you will again.

You will meet someone in the future who is not like him - and that will make you realise that this isn't about you at all.

Original poster
pineapplecube · 19/02/2010 13:33

Thankyou for all replying.

OP posts:
Original poster
pineapplecube · 19/02/2010 14:32

Says to me you have to move on you have no choice...so hard. He said no amount of tears will make me love you again

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 19/02/2010 14:54

How disgusting. That implies you were crying on purpose in order to make him feel bad - completely invalidating your own real distress. Not loving someone is no excuse to totally ignore their feelings.

Despite how he reeled you back in after the last betrayal (and why would he have bothered to do that, even have another baby, if he didn't have any feelings for you at the time? Who is exploiting whom here?), he is clearly Not A Nice Man, and really you're better off without him in your life. Get a solicitor and get tough. You are the primary carer and you will need a good whack of maintenance to keep your wee babe in a decent style for the next 15 years.

Shodan · 19/02/2010 14:57

So sorry for you, pineapple.

But there is no way on earth that this is your fault.

He is persistently unfaithful.

He drinks too much.

He tries to destroy you emotionally by telling you he doesn't love you anymore.

He has systematically undermined your marriage for years.

You, however, have forgiven him. Taken him back. Put up with his drinking.

You are amazing.

You deserve way, way better than this.

Work on being glad he's gone. One day, it will be the truth.

MarineIguana · 19/02/2010 15:01

How painful and awful for you. I agree with others - if it is over, you do have to go through it, as grim as it is - but he is hardly helping with his hurtful comments, and yes, he is the one who has damaged your marriage and caused you not to trust him. He's a coward and a poor husband and doesn't deserve you - however it's hard to see it that way now.

You need someone you can cry on and who can support you and not be snarky about you being upset - and also support on here will help. Many others have been through this and come out stronger, and you will too. Hope your sister will be a great help to you.

Original poster
pineapplecube · 20/02/2010 10:52

He just came for his clothes and to pick up little ds. I didnt see him dd answered door. I am feeling physically ill.

OP posts:
MarineIguana · 20/02/2010 10:54

Oh you poor thing. Can you make a plan for today, get out and about, a treat for your older DC or something? It might help.

InmaculadaConcepcion · 20/02/2010 11:15

I can only echo what the others have said - it really ISN'T your fault, pineapple, please stop thinking it is. Sounds like you've been the one doing the forgiving and he hasn't been worthy of it. Trust? Of course you have trust issues, he has demonstrated more than once that he is not worthy of your trust. To then blame this for not making the relationship work is at best disingenuous, at worst an outrageous twisting of the truth.

Don't let him stamp you down, pineapple, you are worth more. Try and be strong for the sake of your DCs and yourself, hard though it is. It WILL get easier.

norksinmywaistband · 20/02/2010 11:22

I remember that feeling

My H left a year ago this weekend and I have been through the awful feelings you are having right now.

I will echo what others have said, and repeat the very true advice given to me over the last year.

You are worth more than this
You will survive
You will become a stronger person because of this
You will look back in a year( as I have) and realise that how ever wretched you feel right now those feelings will pass.
He has made you feel like this - get angry , it helps
Use your friends on here they are of invaluable support.

If I were you today I would take DD out for lunch, try not to think too much and keep posting.

You will come through this although I know at the moment that is hard to believe

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 20/02/2010 14:26

So if you hadn't told him that you didn't trust him, he would have stayed? Bullshit. He was looking for an excuse love, and that was a convenient one. The cowardly shit. Who's fault is it you don't trust him? His! Did you really want to carry on living with a lying, cheating shit?

This is not your fault, you did not cause it, and in time you will be grateful to him for setting you free.

Sorry you feel so shit.