husband left...feel like i am dying

[pineapplecube]

Went last weekend. Says it is final, never coming back. Doesnot love me and because I said I feel like I will never trust him again because of things in past he has to go..Why did I say it....am in agony it is all my fault...shaking and crying

Hi Pineapplecube - I think that in many relationships one partner takes no responsibility and the other is over responsible. In this relationship you are over responsible. He has behaved appallingly but instead of feeling angry with him you are trying to work out how to make things work. You are doing that because that's what responsible people do when their relationship runs into trouble.

BUT, and here's the difficult part for you, just because he says stuff does NOT mean it's true. Look at how he acts rather than what he says. Does it match? From what you've said, his actions suggest someone who is NOT committed to you on any level.

It is extremely painful to have to face the fact that the person you love is not the person you thought he was. If he had been truly honest from the start, a responsible person like you would have run a mile!).

It does hurt, it will hurt, it will get better over time.

I told him I feel as if he has done 'something@ since he came back to me and I would find out if he had.
I don't really know why I feel it,just do.

I am really sorry, but your are right - he has done something, he knows he has and is now trying to blame you

he really really isn't being fair with you

pineapplecube - sorry you are going through this.

As others have said, there will come a time when you can see that you are better off out of this relationship - hold onto that thought, even though right now you will probably really struggle with that idea.

Again, as others have said, get onto the custody/legal side of this straight away - putting it off will not make him come back and will not make him love you, it will just put you on the back foot.

Try your best not to cry in front of him or ask him to come back. He has made his mind up, don't give him the ego boost he is getting when he sees 'poor you, all distraught over big him...' (wanker).

I don't know what you have told the teenagers in the past or what you have told them now, but IMHO I think you are much better off being honest with them, without giving them too much detail. Don't treat them like small children and try to shield them as it really only stores up problems for them in relationships later on.

I'm sorry that this probably isn't what you want to hear - but sadly it's what you need to hear

Be strong & keep posting x

It is eight weeks since he left. I have seen him only once briefly. I have now had an email saying we need a clean break and that he wants a divorce, saying we both need this in order to move on. I am shocked at how soon he is considering divorce. I have been really quite strong and now after this email feel like the day he left me.

He is telling me we have to sell the house as he cant afford two mortgages when he gets his own and is asking me what settlement i want. He has debts and i know he wants the equity to clear them. I dont want to move i cant think straight.

How do i stop loving him as soon as possible. Wish i could fastforward to the future so i am over it. The pain is too much to bear. Worst of all i have heard that he is saying he has drastically cut down on his drinking now. Why couldnt he do that when he was with us as this was one of my issues. He said before he went to pub to avoid coming home to me as didnt love me.

Can anyone help me i am devestated

Pineapple, I haven't been through this myself and I know others with more knowledge and experience than me will be along soon, but I think you really need to seek legal advice regarding your entitlement to stay in the home etc. I think you are entitle to remain until your youngest reaches a certain age, but not sure. Please check this before you agree to his demands. There are things you are entitled to and I don't think his ability to pay for two mortgages is actually the most important thing here.
for you.

you need to get a decent solicitor! Try going via the citizens advice, they usually have some who are experienced in this sort of thing.

I am so sorry you are going through this, but it WILL get better in time.

I dont think he can force you to sell the house, he has a responsibility to you and your children to house you. Get tough for the children, make sure you can prove his income etc and make sure you get what you deserve.

sorry if that sounds like I am a hard nosed bitch, but am just angry on your behalf.

of course you feel awful but it's really not your fault so don't add that to the mix. He is just making excuses to rationalise his leaving. Come on, take a step back. How can it be reasonable to blame your not being able to trust him - after discovering a string of affairs- for his not feeling able to continue the relationship?

Cynical translation: oops now I won't be able to fool you any more so I have to leave (and probably start fooling someone else instead).

That's probably not literally true but what he has said is a really nasty cowardly weaselly way of making you feel guilty although it's his bad behaviour that is the problem.

Don't worry. And remember people come out with exactly the same line when they did all sorts of WORSE things, like serious violence, and how would you see it if someone told you the same story but it was about beatings not affairs?

having read a bit more now - don't fall for his manipulation, get that solicitor and don't agree to anything. Also remember all alcoholics have ups and downs in their drinking, and they are all excellent at hiding the true extent of it as well. Chances are that the people who told you he has been drinking less DON'T really know how much he has been drinking or how it affects him. Even one or two drinks could be enough to affect someone's behaviour enough for them to be unpleasant to be partnered with, but mates won't really see that aspect of it. They also probably are trying to give you good news in a misguided attempt to cheer you up (or even get you together). So just think "shows how naive they are". If he's not completely dry, he's still a drinker.

Well he is involved with another woman. He has sworn to my kids that he got her number off her two weeks after we split but nothing happened before then. However says he did talk to her in the pub when still with me.

However he was sat blatently in 'our' pub with all 'our' friends a month after going and when my ds went round his dad's(where my h is staying) 7 weeks after him leaving she was there.

Today my dd text him saying he has made a fool of me again right on doorstep etc and he said he knows for a fact he has done nothing wrong as it was after he went. When she said she doesnot believe him he said to her "do not judge me and if you want to fall out with me fine"

She was in tears. We were both in shock! He is acting so utterly vile.

Pineapplecube

As everyone said at the time, him walking out on you had nothing to do with you saying you didn't trust him and everything to do with the fact that he just wanted out.

He didn't want to make it right with you, he didn't want to earn back your trust, he didn't want to 'man up' and take responsibility for his actions.

He has not made a fool of you (sweet of your DD to put him straight though x), HE has made a fool of himself.

He is acting utterly vile, especially in regard to his children. There is no excuse for that. ... if you want to fall out with me fine.... what sort of Father says that to a child after walking out on the family and parading around with some tart?? Wanker.

Have you got your solicitor in action yet???

2 weeks after he left he was already hooking up with someone else??!!??
He sounds out of touch with reality TBH. He's not even ashamed that he's already with another woman. I mean this is not normal behavour.Normal behaviour would be devastation that his marriage is over and sadness that he couldn't make it work despite the fact he has a little son, and despite the fact you were gracious enough to take him back after he behaved unforgivably.

Oh well, he's off your hands now. After you survive the next few months (which will be hard) you will come out the other end and wonder why the hell you put up him. Honestly, just read back your posts. His behaviour is vile. He's not worth it.

Thanks for your replies, you really are helping me.

How awful this is pineapple
He is behaving utterly despicably, it's almost like he's lost his mind. After what's happened over the last couple of months, I hope you are reassured that none of this was your fault. Not only has he treated you very badly, I'm also at the way he is treating his dcs. The man is an utter shit.
Has he been helping with the dcs during this time?
You sound so strong, like you're doing very well. Keep going, you'll come out of this better off.
Have you instructed a good solicitor? Make sure you get what you and dcs deserve.

Hi Pineapplecube..

sorry to hear your h is being such a twat! You MUST get yourself some decent legal advice and DO NOT let him force you out of the family home. He has chosen to abandon his marriage and his family, if in doing so he can't afford a 2nd mortgage that's his tough shit, his FIRST priority should be to his children, regardless of what is happening with you two.

Stay strong, lean on your REAL friends (who btw will not be the ones in the pub with your H and the OW!) and post here, there are lots of people around to support you, you WILL get through this and you are not alone.

My older ds has seen him and he shows no remorse for behaviour towards dd. one thing to come out of this i am so angry now rather than upset.

you have a 3 yr old child , get yourself a very good lawyer and i am sure you will not be forced to sell your childs home. make sure you get maintenence as well... i think you can get it for kids in higher education too , so dont let him convince you that stops when they turn 16.
hes a c*nt, hope he catches crabs.

He sounds like a terrible man, unfaithful, a drunk, vile.

Get a lawyer straight away.

Well done for surviving the last 8 weeks. You have been really strong and you can continue to be strong.

Of course you feel devastated, this email has knocked you off your feet but you need to get up again and take back some control. He is calling all the shots here by making decisions and telling you what will happen next..

I think you need to organise some legal advice as soon as possible... Monday? Ask lots of questions, tell them everything thats worrying you, they will give you facts to help.

Have a think about what you want in the future, you may not need to move house, you dont know the exact details of his financial situation just what he tells you.

You will recover from this, it feels unbearable but the pain you are in now means that you are dealing with this and not burying it. Get as much support as you can from friends and other family.

Pineapple So sorry, but it's as we suspected isn't it? This story about nothing happening till after he left is complete bollocks isn't it? She was why he left. It's the same old script time and time again - women permanently bewildered about why their men "need space" - when there is always an OW in the wings.

It's good you have got angry. This will help you, believe me. Now take him to the cleaners.

My husband left me the other week-very upsetting. Married 19 years.I pay the mortgage. We plan to divorce and I'm increasing the mortgage by £20,000 to give him enough for a deposit and it's going to cost me another £77 a month, that's all and that includes a £5000 fee for getting out of our current payment, so it's really being increased by £25,000

So don't necessarily believe him when he says he can't afford it, a financial advisor at an estate agents will sort that for him.

I saw a solicitor last week and your husband can't force you out of the house if you have custody of the kids, until they have all completed full time education at the age of 18 or 21 even.

I'm at the stage now of really wanting him back desperately, even though he's cheated, can't believe I'm suddenly feeling this. The turmoil is awful, haven't been in work since he left and just been signed off sick for 2 weeks. He was all about needing space as well, with another woman waiting there for him.

Feel for you and hope you get something sorted.

SK

Oh sorry, he'll have the mortgage on the other house as well. We've got another house and I pay the mortgage on that as well, but appreciate it's an expensive palava.

Can't this other woman contribute to another mortgage or maybe they're not getting a place together?

Next time I'm going for a sugar daddy, sick of paying for everything.

SK

Having a hard time coping with feelings of rejection and jealousy today.

She is a business woman with 1 dc, very independent, fantastic job, flashy car, own house. He will love this as he has got loads of debt and he is in real financial trouble.

Feeling low today

Really feeling for you, I am in the same position. DH left me for his mistress - the "love of his life" on 2nd Jan, even knowing she didn't really want him (as soon as he told her he'd left me she told him to sling his hook!). He then started shagging his sister's best friend three weeks later.

I received a nasty letter from his solicitor yesterday accusing me of derogatory and defamatory comments on Facebook (told my friends what he had called me - a worthless piece of shit - he has NO access to my Facebook a/c due to my privacy settings, so is obviously searching me and my DD out on there), plus emails to 'friends and associates'; the emails are to people who continually email me at the old email address (he can't be bothered to let everyone know his new email addy) so I tell them he's no longer living here, left me for his first mistress and now parading around with mistress no. 2).

I hate that man so much - and sadly so does my daughter. She's 17. We had our first mediation session Thurdsay and my 17yo DD surprised me with an open letter she'd written to him telling him exactly what she thinks of him. He has no contact other than a pitiful text asking how she is each week. She refuses to answer, so he's resorting to these sorts of tactics now. Really helps to endear himself to his daughter,

I was in a really, really bad way this morning because of this, but I am blessed with wonderful friends who are there for me when I need them and talk me out of doing all sorts of silly things.

I can't answer how you get over loving someone for 22 years - I simply don't know an easy answer, but time IS helping, if only in little ways.

He will not beat me. (one day I'm going to say that and mean it )

Keep yourself busy - it's a huge help.

Big hug to you, the pain is just so awful, isn't it.

Well ...update.

H had ds2 today and he took him to ow's house!!! said it was daddy's friend. My ds told me this(he is just 4)otherwise i would not have known.

Oh dear, how are you doing?

I'm going through similar and am up and down each day,so feel for you. My ex dh's OW has a child as well, but he hasn't introduced dd to this OW as yet.

See your H drinks too much, mine does as well. I will never get involved with a heavy drinker again. Too unpredictable and selfish.

What's happening about your finances, ie, the house?

SK