when do I own up that I lied about my age?

[sparkybint]

I've been emailing a really interesting guy I met online for a while and love the way he writes and what he says about himself and his life. He's going to call me tonight and if it goes well, I have no doubt that we'll arrange to meet.

But being 52 I lied about my age on my dating profile - I said that I'm 49, reason being that loads of men my age tend to do a search for anyone up to 50 so I don't get a look in. I look a good 10 years younger than I am and my photos are all recent and un-photoshopped and in fact get loads of interest from much much younger guys which is flattering, although I'm not interested.

I'm not looking for the one and just want a friendship first but if I like someone I do feel I'll have to own up about my age. The thing is, when do I do it? What do I say (I thought the under 50 thing would be the best)
and if it's a deal breaker for him accept that he probably wouldn't have been right?

ps Auntie Fucker, Attila, Grace etc who have given me such wonderful advice, I feel my relationship radar might be working better now and am better equipped to notice them good old red flags!

Having lurked on your other threads Sparky I'm interested to see whether AF,Grace etc have any conflicting views on the likelihood of your relationship radar having improved so swiftly...

Anyway - with regard to the primary question I'd say sooner rather than later (assuming there is no reason why the subject should come up resulting in you having to actually lie to him in person) and suggest immediately following the first date. You're (hopefully) not too emotionally involved at that stage so if he is shallow enough to cacer about 3 years it should not hurt you too much and you have given him the opportunity to assess your "young at heartedness" rather than actual physical age which is surely more important.

grrr "cacer" = care ?????

He's 50, so only 2 years younger than me!

< reserves judgement on the relationhip radar of ol' Sparky >

I agree with mmmwine, tell him on your first meeting.

Get it out of the way right at the beginning so there is no understanding. Along the lines of "well, this is why I did it, but I am actually 52 so hope that won't be a problem, I just wanted to be totally honest at this stage..."

if he is a decent bloke, he might be a bit initially but he should understand the problems of meeting people on line (in the way that you can automatically wipe out a whole bunch of people that would have been great for you, purely by being ageist)

now, lovey, go and gen up on the "how to spot men are bastards" thread, read all your old ones again, pick out the red flags you should have spotted previously, and above all...take it sloooooowly

The longer you leave it, the harder it will be to tell him: it will become the elephant in the room (for you). So, when you first meet him be upfront & tell him. Not immediately obviously - no, "oh hi, yes I'm Sparky. Great to meet you. Oh, actually I lied & I'm 52 not 49". More, after a couple of drinks, let him know then. You never know, he could've lied too and may well be older than you!

Have a nice date.

Asap

after you see how the chat goes tonight and if it goes well, say, oh so casually, at the end of the conversation that you have to be honest and tell him the truth. Tell him what you told us about looking 10 years younger and say something jokey about your profile photo being very recent.

That way you don't waste time going on a date if he is going to be peculiar about it.

oh and rule number one for calibrating your relationship radar - Listen to the Inner Voice.

...not the one that says "oh it doesn't matter that he just spend 2 hours bitching about all womankind- he's obviosly had such bad luck with women, poor thing" no, listen to the other one.. the one that says "hmmm...so he lives with his aged mother, is thrice divorced and seems just a leetle bit bitter..hmm... let's leg it out the bathroom window now!"

sparky

As the other posters have said I would be truthful with him about your age on your first meeting. You need to tell him asap as he could wonder what else you've been economical with the truth about.

Your inner voice is the one you need to be listening to here. As to whether your relationship radar is actually back on track, well time will tell here but I do have a feeling that it is still off kilter.

Auntie, yes you're right to reserve judgement on my radar but have been following the "how to spot if a man's a bastard thread" and will try very hard to listen to my inner voice MrsB!

And will own up asap and even might do it on the phone if it feels right.

good luck sparks x

Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhh - Sparkybint . Here we go. Why not just be honest with him from the offing if you are expecting someone to be honest with you?

Ah, mmmwine, that's a really nice thing to say and has rather made my day a little bit cheerier (heavily pregnant, screeching toddler and yet another throat infection). Hope you're having a better time of it now.

hi sparky great to hear that you've bounced back from the episode with that awful bastard
agree with everything said so far and feel that it would prob.be best if you tell him before you meet up
hopefully he'll understand your reasons for fibbing but be prepared for him to be put off as he may think that you have other things to hide

Have learnt my lesson, will never fib again, it's just not worth it. Don't think I can tell him on the phone though, want to meet him (hopefully) and tell him face to face.

And thanks ASBM, bouncing back is my speciality although t'would be nice to just stay in the same place a while.

I disagree.

You shouldn't have lied, but it is not as if you've claimed to be substantially younger than you are. If you had claimed to be 40 (for example), then I think you would need to say upfront.

But, for a couple of years - I wouldn't say anything until the second or third date......if it gets that far. Explain it like you have here. If you like each other, it shouldn't matter. But, stress that it is not 'typical' for you to fib.

well I normally tell the truth but now really, age ... does it matter? is he going to ask you to whip out a birth certificate? I am thinking about knocking a few years off myself actually, I told my evening class I was 35 and no one turned a hair - polite, obv - now every time I go there I feel a little bit more frisky
I'd worry more about the radar than the age thing personally

Have you thought that he could have lied too?
It is quite possible he is 55.

Good luck.

Agree with positive - loads of people knock a few years off on dating sites. Can't see that it matters, the main thing that matters on a dating site I think is if a guy is looking for a woman who is still likely to be able to have kids. Once we get to late forties, 49 vs 53 means nothing in life terms and it's understandable that people often only search up to age 50. I bet most 49ers on sites are actually a couple of years older! Just drop it in if age comes up in the conversation and don't make a big deal out of it.

oi, euro, OP is 52, not 53

nobody says this is a big deal, but, she should be honest at some point and sooner rather than later

Just come clean ...its easier the earlier you do it

I just can't be arsed to lie about my age

I wouldn't mention it until he does. Don't lie, be honest if he asks you.

I'd just be like "Yes, I went there for my 50th birthday. What, the site says 49? Really? How Odd. "