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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

when do I own up that I lied about my age?

45 replies

sparkybint · 19/02/2010 11:58

I've been emailing a really interesting guy I met online for a while and love the way he writes and what he says about himself and his life. He's going to call me tonight and if it goes well, I have no doubt that we'll arrange to meet.

But being 52 I lied about my age on my dating profile - I said that I'm 49, reason being that loads of men my age tend to do a search for anyone up to 50 so I don't get a look in. I look a good 10 years younger than I am and my photos are all recent and un-photoshopped and in fact get loads of interest from much much younger guys which is flattering, although I'm not interested.

I'm not looking for the one and just want a friendship first but if I like someone I do feel I'll have to own up about my age. The thing is, when do I do it? What do I say (I thought the under 50 thing would be the best)
and if it's a deal breaker for him accept that he probably wouldn't have been right?

ps Auntie Fucker, Attila, Grace etc who have given me such wonderful advice, I feel my relationship radar might be working better now and am better equipped to notice them good old red flags!

OP posts:

ninah · 19/02/2010 21:29

the interesting thing about having a false age, even if it's so staggeringly obvious that no one would believe you the persona kind of sticks (I'm thinking about some actresses here btw, not myself in person - ones who were somewhat older than me and now appear to be ever so slightly younger)
it seems harmlessly cosmetic to me and really quite enjoyable

SpeedyGonzalez · 19/02/2010 21:31

I agree that you should come clean in a light-hearted (even cheeky?) way on the first date. But before I read your thread I thought you were going to confess to a HUGE disparity between your actual and claimed age. 3 years is nothing, pah!

Good luck!

sailorsgal · 19/02/2010 22:01

I lied when I met dh. I told him I was 37 but really I was 40. He was 5 years younger. I told him at the end of our first date. It didn't bother him at all.

He was smitten already.

However a policeman I met on a dating website said it was a major flaw in my personality, and what else was I lying about.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 19/02/2010 22:06

have you arranged to meet him yet?

hellymelly · 19/02/2010 22:10

Oh lordy its only three years,tell him if it gets serious,he won't care a jot,its not like you are 52 pretending to be 38

MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 19/02/2010 22:41

Yeah, just reiterating what other people have said. It's only a wee little lie of three years difference. It's not like you're pretending to be twenty years younger than you are.

I reckon if he's a decent sort, you'll have a chuckle about it together.

ninah · 19/02/2010 23:05

so.....?

Original poster

sparkybint · 20/02/2010 10:35

Good morning! We didn't get to speak last night because I had people here but had a very comfortable and warm conversation for over an hour this morning, we seem to have a great deal in common. We're meeting up for a walk with his dogs in the park (where there'll be loads of people) next week.

After reading all your comments, I'm now in two minds what to do, but I have a feeling that if I really feel there's something at the end of the date, it might just have to come out. I'm a hopeless liar and find it hard to hide anything. But glad 3 years is not thought of as a big difference.

As for my relationship radar, well yes, it obviously won't be functioning properly for a good while (if ever!) and I'm going to view this as a sort of test as to whether I've learnt anything.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/02/2010 11:09

no, 3 years is not a big difference

but it will be built up as one, if you don't get it out of the way sooner rather than later

aseriouslyblondemoment · 20/02/2010 11:24

agree with AF that it needs to be said asap if you do feel that you want to have a relationship with this man

Original poster

sparkybint · 20/02/2010 11:55

Yes, I think you're both right and even though it's a small difference, it will get bigger. I know if man lied to me and didn't own up for ages, I'd think him lacking. So I should do as I would be done by.

OP posts:

aseriouslyblondemoment · 20/02/2010 12:38

i would def.but tbh i'm wondering quite how you're going to put this across
i'm not trying to worry you sparky but regardless of it being only a small fib it might well change just how this man perceives you
altho different circs a man i got chatting to online once hid allsorts of stuff(not sordid lol)which came out over the course of a few weeks
the most shocking part of it for me(and yes i'm expecting to be flamed here)was when he eventually rang me and he sounded really pissed and i think i mentioned how unimpressed i was by this
it turned out that he'd been alot more seriously injured than he'd told me(in a RTA)and that it affected his speech
he obv.felt that by that stage i wouldn't mind but yes i bloody well did
i felt shocked,angry and duped and also a real bitch as i chose to have nothing more to do with him
ok this was an extreme scenario but i think you can understand where i'm coming from with this

Ivykaty44 · 22/02/2010 21:42

I dated a guy who took 3 years off his age for the same reason as you - I didn't find out for ages and although I saw his pass port and we had the odd concvo I didn't realise unitl I witnessed his will. I thought it was really funny and did tease him...

I would just tell this guy exactly why you have knocked three years off your age.

I meet a man once who found that his mother was born in 1893 not 1902 - he and his father had never ever known, until this man started looking after her death for her birth certificate...!!

Original poster

sparkybint · 22/02/2010 23:58

Thanks Ivy. I in fact told him earlier today, in advance of our date on Thursday, as
I just wouldn't have been able to relax knowing that if I liked him, I'd have to come clean by the end of the date.

He was totally fine about it and said he understood and that I looked amazing and he wasn't bothered. But I think from now on, no more fibbing.

OP posts:

ItsGraceAgain · 23/02/2010 00:28

well done, Sparky

gtamom · 23/02/2010 05:45

Just tell him, it is unlikely it will make any difference. Maybe add it into your profile, with the reason you told us, it makes total sense.
I am a couple years older than my dp.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 23/02/2010 10:10

bet that's a weight off sparky!
now go and have a good time and of course come back and let us all know how it went!

sincitylover · 23/02/2010 10:35

I don't fib just don't talk about it lol

But appreciate that on a dating site you usually put real age

Original poster

sparkybint · 23/02/2010 13:10

Hi girls, yes it is a weight off ASBM! Thinking here we go again but looking forward to it, we're taking his dogs for a walk in the local park. I do like a man who
loves his pets...He's a partner in a business that designs interiors for businesses and is good with his hands (apparently!) and is making me something out of a piece of wood. Isn't that sweet?

OP posts:

aseriouslyblondemoment · 23/02/2010 22:09

sparky i'm so pleased to hear that
and i didn't mean my previous post to sound as awful as it did but i did get alarm bells tbh as i was putting myself in OM shoes
do hope that you enjoy thurs and i'll be expecting a full update if not on here then over on 'fit thread'
he does sound rather lovely btw oh and normal

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