Serious Advice Wanted for a newbe

[noodlesnoods]

Hi all

This is my first post on the board but been lurking for a while now.

I'm 27 with 2 children DD 5 DS 8, partner and work full time in a career that is v. important to me.

Knowing where to start is difficult, but here goes. I have been with my partner for 9 years now and the only really serious relationship I have had. Things haven't been right between us for a while. Issues such as, my career is v. important to me and I have worked hard to get where I am, although never neglected my children or him. He wants more children, although I was sterlised about 2 years ago. This was totally my decision, I really really don't want any more children 110%. He really wants to get married and this scares the hell out of me, mainly because of all the other issues we have and I don't see it as a fix all. He asked me to get his name tattoo'd on me and I refused. We don't have the same interests, mainly talk about the children. I want to start to get my life back after having children since I was young, I want to see my friends a couple of nights a week, do the girly stuff have a giggle and come home to him. He has always done the boy things and only recently (past year) started to grow up and stay in on a night. He doesn't see it like this, he says i'm selfish and don't think of him. Which i suppose is true but i've spent 8 years putting me last to everything else and and now I think we have come to a make or break situation.

Having said, all that I do love him, although perhaps not in love with him. Does that sound strange ?? He really isn't a bad person.

We had an argument over the things I have detailed above at the weekend and he said it wasn't working, but I asked him not to go. It hasn't really gotten any better, it just seems to hang in the air unsaid. I intend to talk to him tonight with the children not around.

So can anyone offer some wise words?

Yep, need to talk and talk lots about what you both want and how you give eachother what you want without compromising relationship. Big ask I know but can work. Couples need time together and time apart. Often hard with kids but some sort of plan needs to be put into action.

Sounds like he is trying to pen you in and control you a lil bit. Sounds insecure and resentful too. This has to be worked at, the thing to ask yourself is do you really love him still and is it worth working at. If yes then both need to stick to the rules that are agreed.

do you still love him noodle?

if you do then take ladyscratt's advice and try to come at it from the angle of how to get BOTH of your needs met.

Also, is there any chance of some child-free time for both of you to be together? Can you get away for a weekend somewhere cool and fun so both of you can be young again for a while?

Thanks for your replies. Think it was nice just to set it down on paper .

Do I still love him?? Yes I do but don't know if that is real love or normal routine now I suppose.

We have been in the position before, when I was sterlised but choose to ignore the problem and carry on, and as predicted it has reared its ugly head again.

We have been away together but it ends up in silence and both of us wanting to come home. He doesn't want to talk about my work or friends cause its gossiping and then I'm stubborn and won't talk about his work. I work in a HR role and he works in a manual role, so really worlds apart.

I think I already know the answer writing this, though whether the inevitable happens now or later I don't know really.

The thing is I don't think I can imgaine life without him. But he makes me feel bad for wanting a life, and I haven't even done anything to feel bad about??

Crazy aren't i ?

Thanks again x

This can be saved, he probably feels resentful because you have a life and your job is important to you ie a child would pin you down again. It is easy to get caught up in a career and feel like thats all you want.

This is not wrong however but you really need to think about what is important to you, You can have both a job and a realtionship but don't let your job rule your life either.

Most problems in a relationship in this case are unresolved issues between you both, causing resentment and arguments. I would swear it is insecurity and feeling inferior on his part, men like to think that they are King Kong in the family

If it is worth saving you need to have a serious chat and he needs to understand your needs but you need to understand his too.

In this case, I would suggest some space for you both and see how life is without the other one for a while. Puts things into perspective.

There is no reason why this cannot be sorted out one way or another.

Thanks for the excellent advice.

I have been upset all day , and you have given me some perspective.

I really do want to give things ago but not at the cost of carrying on as we are. I am therefore going to talk to him tonight for some space.

I think it would do us a world of good for both of us to stop taking each other for granted. Hopefully make us realise that we actually do love each other.

Thanks Again

being sterilised when your partner wants more children is a really big deal and you were v v v young to be sterilised. lots of docs would refuse to refer you at 25 for a sterilisation

if you have been together 9 years and hvae an 8 year old, you've never really had time just to be a couple, you were already thinking and being a family very early on and ata young age

the fact is, you have probably grwon apart, you are only 27 , and you have decades ahead odf you and both of you deserve to be with someone who they can be happy with

you can't have more DCs , your partner wants more

he wants to get married, oyu don't

you could get couples counselling and individual counselling but this sounds more like you have grown apart and there is no sin in splitting up if you are miserable together and feel there is no future and wants such radically different things

Thank you lulumama x

The doctor gave me the option of being sterilized 'cause I had a girl and a boy, already made a v. hard decision to have an termination. I had also tried the pill injection, implant and coil though they gave me migraine which put me in bed frequently for days at a time. Which we all suffered.

I made the choice as I don't want any more children, due to the quality of life I feel I want to be able to provide for the children.

My partner was still able to have his life. He often went out drinking with friends, come and went as he pleased and generally lived the single life, but had a stable home. It was never really an issue for me. Not only that but I quite liked being with the kids and the mum thing. He never really did the children thing whilst they were small and now he wants to settle down. Were as i'm the opporsite, I never went out apart to work didn't see my friend unless i took the DC with me. If say i'm off to my friends he says. "what you going there for?". It feels like I'm lying and having to explain myself, but I'm really not.

Tried to broach the subject last night, but he shrugged his shoulders. I suggested we went away together without the kids but he said "we would only fuck it up so why bother". Though if we don't touch on this subject is really is quite a nice life if I carry on as he wants me too.

I know I moan, but he has always provided for us, and really is lovely. I think some hard decisions are to be made. I don't think I even know how to broach the subject???

A long moan I know... sorry x

You know, you can love someone and still not have a relationship that's working. Your partner is the dad of your children and you've spent 9 years with him, hopefully he will always be a big part of your life, but that doesn't mean you have to stick with him the relationship has cooled off to a stalemate.

What freaks me out, and nobody seems to have noticed, is this: "He asked me to get his name tattoo'd on me"... How old you said he was? This only would creep me out big time.

I know, i've told him i'm not. But he wants me to get it on the top of my bum, he says no one else will ever see it so why not?

I have to admit, I have a huge tattoo on my back, designed by me but no names just flowers and butterflies. So he thinks this means I should get his name ? ? ?

It really is a big thing for him x I told him that i feel like he is trying to "brand" me and instantly regretted it, because it really upset him and said "thats good that it brand you eh?"

Oh he is 29 on sunday x

Really sounds like a control thing to me. It is his way of pinning you down. Wanting the other baby, getting at you because of your job (something else that takes your attention away from him) Tattoo (ie your mine) its all control and insecurity. Yet he seems to not want to be arsed in sorting this out.

It may well be that you find that you are much happier on your own. I reckon space is a really good idea as it will give him a jolt up the arse, that this cannot carry on. It is not fair on you or him in this current situation. You are too young to be stuck in a rut like this too.

If you are in a position to leave or ask him to leave then follow it through and take the time you need. He needs to understand why this is happening.

Hmm. I would feel exactly like you about the tattooed name thing. I could understand him suggesting it as a romantic idea, but given you explained how you felt to him, he's being a bit of a dick imo. Why should it matter to him what you put on your body?

This man wants you to be a 'woman' ie less than quite human, his possession who is there to raise the children and look after him. It;s all right for him to have an independent life when he wants, because he;s a person, not a domestic appliance.
This probably isn't fixable. You are a person, not a floorscrubbing babymaking machine, and if he isn't going to accept that then you need to negotiate an amicable separation.
TBH this often happens when people marry and have DC quite young, cracks show when a young girl starts realising that actually there is more to life than keeping a man happy at the expense of her own sense of self.

When I read, you comments it doesn't sound like the same person. So i re read my orignal post to see if I had correctly stated my position and yes I have.

Scarey I haven't really thought of it like that before.

I know I need to have a conversation with him, but how to get it started without hurting him ?

It sounds like there are various different things going on at the same time: you are at different stages in your life now in terms of what you what. And also, as he senses you becoming restless and pulling away, he gets insecure and tried to get you to commit, i.e marrying him/having a tattoo of his name. It's like he's desperately trying to hold on to you and keep your relationship going, but like he's flogging a dead horse.

Basically, what I'm saying is his actions could be interpreted as controlling or as a bit desperate and insecure. It doesn't really matter which it is if you are going to split up. However, if you decide to stay together you'll have to be alert for controlling or sexist behaviour from him, and that would be a drag to put it mildly.

It almost seems like you know what you need to do, but don't know how to tell him? I hope your talk goes well... x

Will be a shock to the system for him and hopefully you will get results. I think at the mo you have stated that you are not happy and he is sitting there going "yeah yeah" "whatever".

ending a relationship or having a big make or break conversation is going to be hurtful

agree the tattoo thing is almost like branding

he sounds like he has had his fun and is now ready to be an adult, so sod your feeling and your needs and wants.. that makes a relationship totally unworkable in my opinion

there has to be some semblance of equality and mutual respect

you are an adult, you can see your friends without permission

it should not be am issue in a mature relationship

I have told him how unhappy I am, but normally turns into a fight. I've told him I feel really old when I'm only 27 and want a little bit more freedom without the questions or guilt trips.

He has said that he has spoken to a friend who has told him it is "mental abuse" but he said "so I'm a drain on you am I, make you feel old then do I". I can't get him to understand why I feel like I do. I've told him I don't want to get married have the tattoo etc etc but in one ear and out the other. He told me i'm selfish and i never think about what he wants, and like I've already admitted I can be selfish and a little blunt at times.

When I want to go out with my friends, we can plan weeks in advance, getting excited about clothes etc but only tell him a couple of days before cause I would rather get grief for a couple of days than the full length of time. Its not 'cause he might have plans and then i expect him to have the kids, 'cause I also arrange for a babysitter when i'm away on business or going out.

I really hate upsetting him, but its also affected our sex life. I feel like, have you finished? Oh right, thanks for that and its awkward.

The more I say the worse it sounds right. But he really is a lovely guy as long as I stay in.

Sorry for another long moan. x

I have told him how unhappy I am, but normally turns into a fight. I've told him I feel really old when I'm only 27 and want a little bit more freedom without the questions or guilt trips.

He has said that he has spoken to a friend who has told him it is "mental abuse" but he said "so I'm a drain on you am I, make you feel old then do I". I can't get him to understand why I feel like I do. I've told him I don't want to get married have the tattoo etc etc but in one ear and out the other. He told me i'm selfish and i never think about what he wants, and like I've already admitted I can be selfish and a little blunt at times.

When I want to go out with my friends, we can plan weeks in advance, getting excited about clothes etc but only tell him a couple of days before cause I would rather get grief for a couple of days than the full length of time. Its not 'cause he might have plans and then i expect him to have the kids, 'cause I also arrange for a babysitter when i'm away on business or going out.

I really hate upsetting him, but its also affected our sex life. I feel like, have you finished? Oh right, thanks for that and its awkward.

The more I say the worse it sounds right. But he really is a lovely guy as long as I stay in.

Sorry for another long moan. x

"he really is a lovely guy as long as I stay in"

is about control...

so, what are his good points? write them down - for yourself. you dont have to share.

he wants more children you said in the op - but you cannot rely on him to babysit the ones you already have?

unbelieveable.

Its not that he can't look after the children, in the past when hes been going out i've never expected him to do so. I've always made arrangements for them so i can go out. Think thats an issue for me, I want him to be able to go out. I feel guilty asking him to have the kids while i'm out. x

Everyone's lovely when they are entirely getting their own way. Even 2 year olds.

He's frightened of you leaving him. That's why he wants a tattoo on your arse, so that if you take you're pants off in front of another bloke they can see you're labled. That's why he wants you to have a baby - people with babies can't just wander off out at night to enjoy themselves (unless they are him) because they're too tired. That's why he moans at you about your job, you 'should' be contented with what little he feels like giving you, and not have any sense of independence because then you 'might leave him'.

And you feeling guilty for leaving a man to look after his own children is rather telling - it shouldn't be a chore, and although you want him to be able to go out, why SHOULD he always have the option of going out? He's a parent too. Why have you shielded him from the consequences of his actions? This is why he wants another baby - he knows damn well it will make you dependent on him without changing his life one jot.

i confess i used to arange babysitters when i wanted to go out because my exP was completely unreliable, eg would agree to be in but would turn up so late i would miss start of film i ahd arranged to see...or would call me so much asking for help where is this where is that that it wasnt worth my while. (one of many reasons he is ex)

just curious - do you think if you did split he would be happy to have the children for a whole weekend at his place? plus couple evenings...would it be shared care arrangement? so you both got time off?

do you go out together / as a family?

Ooooo, haven't thought about anything further than the dreaded conversation !!! He really is going to be really upset. x I'm going to cry too, i cry at everything.

I know I'll go home and everything will be fine etc.. . but know when I push it again all hell will break loose. I really need to deal with this.

Thinking about it once he is settled then he prob. would have the children but not every weekend. He works so it prob. would be difficult for him to have them x

Yeah, we go out as a family and thats fine. When were alone without the kids.... conversation nada x

Its like we live in to seperate worlds and join with the kids. x