Serious Advice Wanted for a newbe

[noodlesnoods]

Hi all

This is my first post on the board but been lurking for a while now.

I'm 27 with 2 children DD 5 DS 8, partner and work full time in a career that is v. important to me.

Knowing where to start is difficult, but here goes. I have been with my partner for 9 years now and the only really serious relationship I have had. Things haven't been right between us for a while. Issues such as, my career is v. important to me and I have worked hard to get where I am, although never neglected my children or him. He wants more children, although I was sterlised about 2 years ago. This was totally my decision, I really really don't want any more children 110%. He really wants to get married and this scares the hell out of me, mainly because of all the other issues we have and I don't see it as a fix all. He asked me to get his name tattoo'd on me and I refused. We don't have the same interests, mainly talk about the children. I want to start to get my life back after having children since I was young, I want to see my friends a couple of nights a week, do the girly stuff have a giggle and come home to him. He has always done the boy things and only recently (past year) started to grow up and stay in on a night. He doesn't see it like this, he says i'm selfish and don't think of him. Which i suppose is true but i've spent 8 years putting me last to everything else and and now I think we have come to a make or break situation.

Having said, all that I do love him, although perhaps not in love with him. Does that sound strange ?? He really isn't a bad person.

We had an argument over the things I have detailed above at the weekend and he said it wasn't working, but I asked him not to go. It hasn't really gotten any better, it just seems to hang in the air unsaid. I intend to talk to him tonight with the children not around.

So can anyone offer some wise words?

Look, this man wants you at home washing his socks and cooking his dinner. For whatever reason, he doesn't think women are people. He will be 'lovely' so long as you accept that he is a fully autonomous human being and you're his domestic support system.

He is young enough to have this rubbish knocked out of him (Oh, and for all those who take life too seriously, no I DON'T mean the OP should beat him up) but it's not guaranteed to work. Remember, OP, you are entitled to a life outside the home, you are entitled to friends, you are not just there for his benefit, and if he can't accept that, bin him and don't look back (apart from making access arrangements obviously).

Reading back in this thread, noodles, I was struck by how he reacted (saying it's mental abuse) when you tried to explain how you felt to him.

It may be that he is looking at your relationship as a 'settled' thing: the two of you are a unit, together for better or worse, and in that context, he finds your words unacceptable. (Not that I think he's right, btw). If he's looking at it from this perspective, where he doesn't believe you'll ever really split up, he may react to some of your comments by thinking, 'but that's just who I am, part of the deal when you're with me'.

This is a bit of a problem. Obviously, when you are thinking about a relationship as permenant (sp?), you do accept someone with their faults. But what you are describing isn't on the level of 'love me and my bad habits'. You're describing a situation where you and your partner are quite different people with different needs, who don't really fit with each other any more.

Maybe you need to make it really clear to him that splitting up is, for you, a serious and pressing option? Then maybe he won't throw around terms like 'mental abuse', but will realize what you mean.

I went home last night and had a huge talk with him. at first he was angry at me saying I have thought this through and i've already made my mind up.

He then said sorry at got upset himself. I said to him he must have meant the things he said on Saturday about loving me but not being in love with me. And explained how I felt about being at diff. stages. I said I have spolit him rotten and never asked he do anything for me. I have always done everything from Kids clubs, joining a scouts committee so I could get my son in. Taking kids swimming and practicing piano. He has just sat back and accepted this. I told him that I understand from his point of view that all of a sudden I have changed, but I haven't really I have always just been like this.

He has agreed to hold back on his comments about friends, don't get mardy about me going out or seeing friends. He even said that he would buy me new shoes and a dress when i want to go out .

I'm away on business this weekend from tomorrow until Saturday night when I travel back. He wanted to go to football on saturday and then out with the lads, so i arranged for my mum to have the children mid morning until I get back. He tells me after this he isn't going out but going to work both days over the weekend! He has to go to work at 6.30am if he works weekend, so I'm sat here wondering what he thinks he is going to do with the children. I haven't mentioned anything 'cause wondering when he will realised that i'm not going to be there to have them I don't even think it has crossed his mind !!! Again I think this is because he has always done as he pleases.

I really want to give it a final go, at least he can see where we are going wrong then and hopefully change. But it will be on my terms, with me as a person and not a slave to the household. If I back down now, then i'm done for.

Oh... when he did mention the "mental abuse" i just told him emotional blackmail won't work and he has serious issues.

Well done you. Not fun to have to talk about but you got a lot talked through.

May I say, I am concerned that his response includes saying he'll buy you a dress and shoes? It's a bit like a treat/bribe - surely if you live together and have two children, you share financial stuff, so what he's actually saying is he'll allow you to have the dress/shoes.

I may be over-reacting, but that rang warning bells for me.

Yes, that suggests to me, too, that he's still thinking of you as a 'woman' and that if he buys you a new dolly you will stop whining and behave yourself.
Good luck with your progress but remember splitting up is nothing to be ashamed of when a partnership isn't working.

He said "i won't moan, i'll turn my phone off so i can't text ring you, i'll even buy you a new dress and shoes to go out in I can't be any fairer than that"

To be fair I think it shocked him, and he still looked a bit delicate this morning. He just looked like a small child and he wanted me to tell him everything would be ok x

I told him I don't know if everything would be ok, but we could work at it and see how it goes.

well you're his mum as far as he's concerned. you look after all his needs, look after the kids, he does as he pleases.

i'm glad you're changing the dynamic here because he needs a serious wake-up call. i'd suggest you DO start asking him to do more around the house and help more with the kids. they are HIS kids too, afterall. make him take them out on sunday afternoon so you can have a bit of time off.

sounds to me like you have been carrying this family for a long time, and now when you want a little back from him he wants to kick back. his nice cushy life is fading into the distance and he doesn't like it.

i'm not surprised he wants to tie you to him with an offer of marriage. i have to admit that tattooing his name on you sends shivers down my spine. he wants to own you, you realize? he's saying 'THAT'S MINE'. yuck yuck yuck

HE DOESN'T SEE YOU AS A PERSON, HE SEES YOU AS A SKIVVY TO SERVICE HIS NEEDS!

oh yes, and the buy you a dress and shoes for the party. just like you would do for a child.

'I can't be any fairer than that'?!

That's what my dear dear ex used to say, to imply that he was making a terrible, mature struggle. But you see, he is not the one to decide where the concessions end. You are not a child begging for a later curfew, you are his partner. He clearly knows he is not being 100% fair, or he wouldn't say this!

noodles, I think that now you have taken a step back and understood what he's trying (maybe subconciously) to do you have a great chance of making some changes here.

His words/promises sound positive but you can (and should) call him on every comment that he makes that indicate he still thinks he can call all the shots.

After a month or two you will probably be able to see if he really "gets" it.

Accept the offer of a new dress and shoes with grace, - but watch carefully for any increased sense of "entitlement" that this gives him. If you see this, give him back the dress and the shoes instantly.

Thanks everyone for your very sound advice.
With your comments i was able to explain exactly how i felt rather than just ranting at him. I think that is why he said I have thought it through, because I was very precise.

I will point out every time he makes a comment or I get a silly text or the guilty face. We have a long way to go I think, but I do love him. But he will only get this last chance 'cause i'm only 27 and to be fair to us both these next couple of months will be make or break. I will make sure that he does understand this.

Well give it shot, see what happens but I am dubious that leopards don't change their spots. As you say youre only 27, really though relationship wise, you need to think about the longterm.

Have you thought about where you want to be when you are 40? can you really see yourself with him for the rest of your life? do you really think he will change??

These are questions you need to ask yourself.

If you are going to do anything about your life it needs to be now sooner than later.

Your choice of course, but these are things I would be asking myself, however.

Good luck chick.

Nope can't see myself with him when I'm 40 at all. Thats scary, thought that.

Does anyone ever see themselves with the other halfs forever, if they do I have serious problems

Were going out on netural ground tonight to have another talk. When i'm with him I just want to make everything better for him, perhaps i am a little like his mum. x

Cheers x

I can see myself with my DH as even after 14 years I am completely in love.

Thats the problem here, you have one life, don't waste it. Ask yourslef those questions, is this what you really want??

yes, i can see myself with dh for the rest of my life. that's why i married him. it says a lot that you don't want to marry your dp. listen to your instincts.

Hi all

A week on and things still are a little delicate.

We had another conversation last night, about the tattoo and that he still thinks its a nice idea. About the getting married business and our long term future.

I've said that all i am thinking about is the current and not even looking into the future. I was to sort me out first because for the past 8 years I have put everyone else before me. Getting married in my head is like removing my idenity and having a label as DP wife and for the moment I just want to be me.

He still isn't convinced and just looked really hurt. I kept asking for his comments but he said "what do you want me to say, am I I still draining you?? You want to be you but your trying to kick me out the nest while your doing it"

I do sound selfish, but the final word was you either like it or leave.

I like writing things here as I seem to put things into perspective, its a little like therapy.

ME x

Still think if you have any doubt in your mind about what you want then it is not right.

I couldn't wait to marry my boy and I was so in love. Still am but calmed down a bit.

I know it is scary the thougth of going it alone and by god if it was me I would be crapping my pants but for my own self worth and longterm happiness I would make that break. He is not going to change, and I think you need to come to terms with that. I know I have said it before but can you really imagine being an old lady with him.

Will you always regret not making that break.

I would hate being in a relationship where I was not getting what I wanted out of it and personally life is too short to waste it that way.

Make the break if you really feel like this cannot go on.